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Original poster

if DD won't go to school.....

60 replies

BeeEm · 17/12/2007 14:13

tomorrow - what do i do with her all day?
i've decided - i'm not battling anymore - i'm too tired. but do i make her stay in bed? do i give her work to do? do i ban TV? any ideas?
also what do i tell school? 'DD won't be at school today cos she won't get out of bed and she hates you all'

OP posts:
dontwanttogetoutofbed · 17/12/2007 14:35

or, you could let them tell you what they want to do and go along with it (unless its outrageous), and they will learn early on to make good, strong, independent decisions

dontwanttogetoutofbed · 17/12/2007 14:37

sometimes tummy bugs and feeling ill are emotional or psychological more than they are physically. perhaps she needs to rest her emotions, feelings and thoughts not just her body. if you let her feel that you trust her to stay home and take the time needed to get better, she will be more well equipped to take care of herself in the future

cornsilk · 17/12/2007 14:37

It's not that uncommom BeeEm - try not to worry. Maybe being off school 'threw her' a bit and she'll be okay after the Xmas hols.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 17/12/2007 14:38

Just difference of opinion that DontWant. I just fon't personally feel that a two year old should be given the opportunity to makes decisions about whether they go to nursery that day or not. There are things like wasted fees, parents' plans for the day etc in the equation that a toddler can have no understanding of. Not to mention staffing levels of the nursery who are expecting a certain number on that day. It's not the same as being off sick.

dontwanttogetoutofbed · 17/12/2007 14:38

otherwise she can go to school, push away her feeling ill into the back of her mind until it doesn't bother her, and it will probably pop back up sometime

dontwanttogetoutofbed · 17/12/2007 14:39

it is the same as being sick. feeling weak emotionally is similar to fealing weak physically

CaptainVimes · 17/12/2007 14:39

was this it?

www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1197902259 &sr=8-1

have just read it - some excellent stuff in there.

What about handing a bit of control back to your DD, by saying that she has to go to school (you are legally obliged to send her) but what could she/you/her teachers do to make it easier or more enjoyable for her? Write them all down (including the strange ones) and then decide which to try.

It isn;t long till the end of term, so hopefully she'll have a good rest over Xmas and you'll all feel happier in the new year

cornsilk · 17/12/2007 14:40

Does she have any behavioural difficulties generally? Just picking up on you having to sign the risk assessment form.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 17/12/2007 14:41

BM, I have a 9 year old DD. Your situation sounds quite extreme and as if there is much more to it than not wanting to go to school. I can only imagine that in the same circumstances I might keep her off for the rest of the term, making it clear that she will return for the New Term and that during the time off, she and I would work together to try and make her feel better about everything that is bothering her.

Original poster
BeeEm · 17/12/2007 14:42

No out of the norm behaviour issues - just stroppy/strong willed. have tried the what would make it easier route. she just feels sick and doesn't want to go......

OP posts:
cornsilk · 17/12/2007 14:43

That wasn't the book that was recommended, tho' it's also a good book. The book was specifically for children who refuse to go to school and I think also school phobia. I think it was Lynette Scavo that recommended it.

milou2 · 17/12/2007 14:46

What about a referral to CAMHS? I say that as my DS2 went at age 9.5 (now nearly 10) and just being listened to by kind professionals was helpful for all of us.

Why not read up on home education, as an option, even if you don't want to take it?

I guess you really need someone strong on your side.

How did things turn out for you schoolwise? Only answer if you want to.

eeewahwoowah · 17/12/2007 14:47

Sorry BeeEm - don't know the background here- have you ruled out the possibility that she is being bullied?

Original poster
BeeEm · 17/12/2007 14:51

Am hoping paed referral will help - if only for her to understand we are taking it seriously - they may refer to CAMHS from there.
don't think theres any bullying going on - there was a fallout with another kid but seems to be sorted - school were good about that but i get the impression they have no idea how to deal with any more.

OP posts:
lilmissmummy · 17/12/2007 14:51

At the moment I am using a step-by-step idea that my mum recommended (she's a foster carer).

Basically the child says i dont wanna go to school... so you say ok well lets just get your uniform on and see how you feel... usually done followed by i dont wanna go to school... so you say well lets just have a walk down to the school as your dressed now and see how you feel... and you carry on like that until you are in the classroom,

with my 6 year old he then has to be bribed- stay until breaktime and "if you still want to come home then ask your teacher to call me and I will come and get you".

I always ask the teacher at the end of the day and he has never asked to go home.

with my 2 year old I sit on the floor and play with her and once she is happy and settled I leave and call the nursery when I get home- she hasnt missed me yet!

I always find though with both of mine that they hate the distruption of their routine and therefore Christmas makes school and nursery not what they're used to and I think a little scary.

IMHO I think that children need routines and going to school and nursery is preparing you for the real world- 9 times out of 10 dh doesnt wanna go to work but he still does and I think that is true with school.

Or maybe I am too strict???!!!

milou2 · 17/12/2007 14:51

I have just seen al the new messages. Maybe it is related to teh bug??? Some bugs go away in a day, some do linger.

Original poster
BeeEm · 17/12/2007 14:56

HAve to go and pick up now - brace myaself for the next 5 hours of i feel sick - you don't believe me - wail -

OP posts:
eeewahwoowah · 17/12/2007 14:57

Things to do at home whilst not at school ........ sounds like you are both having a rough time already so no point making her stay in bed or depriving of TV as that might cause a row and I think BeeEm you could probably both do without a row.

But possibly not ideal to just let her lounge in front of TV all day. Could you both do something together, bake, clean, sort out her room.

Tortington · 17/12/2007 14:59

if my 9 year old wouldnt go to schoola nd i had trouble with her behaviour so much so it was damaging both our healths then i would call social services and ask for help.

cory · 17/12/2007 16:33

I have been in this situation as my dd has chronic pain problems, which understandably made her reluctant to go to school or at times to face life at all. At the same time, she also said she did not really want home education and she was clearly thriving on the academic and social side of school- she just panicked when it was time to go and she started worrying about not coping with a whole day at school. I know all about dragging a screaming hysterical child out of the house and walking away from the school crying with exhaustion after she'd gone in. The accusations of "not believing me" were particularly painful to me, as the first doctor who saw her did in fact believe she was making it up and told us so- so some of that has stuck. Still, I believe I did right: some kids with her condition have ended up complete invalids, with no friends and little education; she too recognises that she has done better than them.
But I know how hard it is.

A couple of points strike me:

Home education may be fine if it is a positive choice you have made because you feel it is beneficial.

What is not beneficial is letting her give in to a momentary panic, this is not setting her up with the life skills she needs. If she stays at home, it must be because you judge that she is not fit to go. Never let her see that you are not strong enough to manage her, that will frighten her more than anything.

Get help if you need to. If it hasn't cleared up by next term, ask your GP for a referral. School phobia can be treated.

If this becomes a habit, the school will send the truancy officer around. Education is compulsory, to keep her at home you need to register her as home educated. If not, somebody from social or educational services will almost certainly come to see you- it probably looks good if you contact them first.

Recognise her fears and talk to her about them when she calms down. Let her know that many people feel like this when they've been ill. Explain to her that it is possible to learn to control these fears. Maybe teach some relaxation techniques.

Also explain to her what the law says, so she knows it isn't just you being mean.

KateF · 17/12/2007 16:49

Wanted to post earlier but had to go out. Glad you have had some sympathetic responses since then. My 6 year old dd2 has had school refusal problems for 2 years and I had reached the point of despair too. I was having to leave my other children in the school office to carry dd2 into school and it was taking 2 or 3 staff to physically keep her there. There were unresolved issues with bullying and learning difficulties and the whole situation was turning me into a wreck. I finally discovered that there is a Home-School Liaison Worker and now she has been seeing dd2 for nearly half a term the change is amazing and the reason is that dd2 trusts her to do something about problems which no-one ever did before. If your school has access to such a person (I think they work for the LEA) aske for your dd to be seen asap. Also remember it is not your fault. I tied myself in knots feeling guilty which was completely pointless!

sarah573 · 17/12/2007 21:19

Im afraid Im of the attitude that if they can walk (or even crawl will do ) then they go to school.

I'm frequently in this situation DS1. He's a very bright 9 year old in mainstream school, but has mega social/communication/behaviour problems caused by Aspergers syndrome. At least twice a week he wakes up and refuses to go to school/get out of bed/get dressed/have breakfast etc.

My attitude with DS is, fine stay home, but you will spend the day in your room, no TV/playstation/sweets etc, you will be bored and miserable. The little monkey knows I mean it, and always dashes out the door with about 2 seconds to spare, moaning about what a terrible life he has . He hasn't missed a days school this term.

Obviously its your call if you send your DD. If you let her stay off you need to make sure it is no fun for her, and not a reward, take away everything she enjoys doing. I remember standing behind a woman in Mcdonalds a couple of years ago with a boy of about 11 or 12. She was chatting to someone who asked why he wasn't at school, to which she replied 'He wouldn't go and they said the can't make him'. Well WTF was she doing taking him out to Macdonalds!!!!!!!!

Let us know how you get on.
xxxx

Original poster
BeeEm · 18/12/2007 09:33

So ...... DD is upstairs in her room. I called her at the normal time and at 5 minute intervals. i have explained that it is the law if she doesn't go to which she answered that she's too ill therefore not breaking the law!
I've been doing the house work - changed beds all that boring stuff. she appeared a while ago asking for breakfast but we had nothing nice so she's gone back to bed in a strop.
Have phoned school and told them -

what happens next - do i expect social services at my door? EWO? am more than a little worried about the next stage..

OP posts:
Blandmum · 18/12/2007 09:37

The rule in our house is, 'Too ill for school, too ill for anything else' They stay in bed, or if I am feeling kind, they are allowed to lie on the sofa with a book.

No TV , no playing, no going out with friends.

Once they are well enough to play, they go back to school...as long as not contagious etc.

Once staying home becomes more fun than going to school they will want to stay home. That is the way of kids, I think.

frogs · 18/12/2007 09:43

Bee -- I think you need a Policy on staying off school, so you can show her it's you and not her that makes the final decision on what constitutes ill.

My policy is that they get to stay off for vomiting or actual fever. Unlike mb I let mine watch telly if they're properly ill -- pump them full of calpol and put them on the sofa with a duvet and glass of lucozade and CBeebies.

Anyone staying off by special dispensation for reasons other than fever or vomiting gets no TV or special treats -- they can lie in bed with a book, so as not to make it too much fun.

I think the real problem here is not whether or not she actually attends school for the next three days, but the fact that you're letting her call the shots on whether or not she goes, which seems like a very slippery slope.