Moving settled 7 year old at year 3 to prestigious grammar school but without friends

[IndecisiveEmma]

What is everyone's opinion about children moving school age 7?
My daughter has the chance to go to the grammar school near us - one of the best In the country. She's fairly sensitive and doesn't like change and is v attached to a lot of her friends.
I know for a fact that none of her friends are going to this school.
Breaks my heart to think that we would be taking her away from her friends and a very nice little school that she could stay at til 11. She would have the chance to go to the other school then too, but far less likely as greater competition.
So - move at year 3 in September to a v good school, which may be more pressure, but sets her up til 18.
Or stick where she's at with friends in a gentle school with less pressure and chance it at 11 and hope her friends go to. Of course she may not get in.
Feels like such a big decision. Pros and cons both ways.
For context schools are NPS now and RGS as the potential.

Speaking from experience, do not move a child from a school where they are happy and you are happy to another school, just because you think the other school is better. We moved house for the ‘better’ school. It’s been a complete disaster and 2 years on we are moving the children again because they are being totally failed educationally by the ‘better’ school and still have no friends. You only know what a school is really like once you are in it.

Taking the place now guarantees her through to 18 with no concerns about her not getting a place.

Small warning that this is unlikely to be strictly true. It might be their official policy, but if DD is falling behind, you will probably find that they start to suggest that she moves elsewhere. I only mention it because you said that moving now would take the pressure of later by not having to sit 11+. In my experience, moving to selective will not take the pressure off borderline candidates.

I don't think this should stop you going for it, but worth being aware of.

I would move her. If the school starts in year 3 then everyone is new so it is easier to make friends.

Plus less stress at 11 with sitting the entrance exam which is likely to be harder.

I wouldn't normally advocate changing schools too often - I was always the new girl and ended up pulling my hair out. But this is one move and then stability until 18.

I came looking for some reassurance that it was an ok thing to do and some balanced opinions for both sides.

There is clearly some judgement on this page about the fact that the schools are private. That’s neither here nor there really amd my mistake for mentioning it.

Believe me this has devastated me. My husband is all for the new school and I wanted her to stay and see our the primary school til year 7. I feel a sense of loss about what she will miss at that school.

One friendship now shouldn’t determine the decision about her schooling opportunities til she’s 18. People seem fairly fatalistic when talking about how much this will impact her in the future. She will perhaps instead flourish.

I’m just trying to come to terms with it all in my head.

People seem fairly fatalistic when talking about how much this will impact her in the future. She will perhaps instead flourish.

It could of course go either way. Right now you have a happy settled child who is doing well and likes school. The new school doesn't sound like it's vastly different to the current school, so risking a happy engaged child for the sake of very little difference doesn't seem like a great idea.

I agree with PP you will get better responses by explaining what best means to you and how this new school will be better for your daughter other than she’s been offered a place now and you wanted her to go at 11.

My son has a very strong friendship with one child, he’s the only child he cares about seeing really, misses him in the 2 week holidays etc. He has other friends but I can see from his friendship with this child it is probably a life long friendship. For secondary they will likely be going to different schools as we want a religious one and they don’t. DS knows this and they have plans at 9 of how they will still see each other and be friends, where they can meet after school etc. I’ve not been happy with his primary school, he’s done well there but could have done better but I’ve refused to consider moving him because of this friendship and just support him more at home and give him extra opportunities after school. Plus he’s really happy there and I don’t think at this point he’d understand be happy elsewhere even though he makes friends very easily.

Oh the influential friends comment I know didn’t come from you OP but a PP said it and it’s just a horrific thing to say to wish your 7 year old will make more influential friends, they need kindness and fun. Again not directed at you OP but anyone who might think that.

OP I don't think anyone has mentioned the fee paying aspect of the schools, it is just that you have a happy settled child who is flourishing who is at a really key age. That is a lot to risk when you don't have to.
There are good and bad schools in both sectors, sounds like your daughter is at a lovely fee paying school, I just wonder if it is sensible to move her to another school which is only slightly better.

OP my children go to academically selective secondary schools in Australia (they are state schools, so equivalent to a grammar school). What I have discovered is that nothing gives middle class mothers the vapours faster than the mention of a selective school. Oh the horror and how could you subject your child to such pressure.

I moved my gentle, sensitive, shy DD to a school with a gifted class in year 3. She had to leave her friends behind and travel much further to get there. What she gained was so much more than what she lost. Being taught at a higher standard helped her to gain entry to a very prestigious selective secondary school where my little shy girl has absolutely blossomed into a confident young woman who regularly thanks us for putting her on this path because she is just so happy. Tonight she will go to a birthday party for one of the girls she hasn’t gone to school with since year 2, so those friendships haven’t been lost, just added to.

If I was you I would send her. I believe in teaching kids to seize opportunities when they come around, and never to make decisions based on fear. If you find that a more rigorous environment isn’t right for her you have plenty of time to find a different secondary school.

You have to do what’s best for your daughter
so from what you have said maybe keeping her where she is would be the best decision

You know your daughter best if you did move her would she settle in time ? or will she never settle in a new school ?

It’s certainly easier to convince a 7 year old all will be fine in a few months and she will
make friends etc etc than leaving it till she is 12-13 when no amount of talking from her mum and dad will convince her other wise

Depends on the child.
If she's very meek I'd leave her there, not move her. What does she say?
If she's very strong I'd move her.
You can't base such big decisions on just one friend. They themselves could move house and where would you be.

Do you intend to move her to this new school for definite. Just not sure what year?

I wanted to move Ds2, when school did something illegal and the ramifications were severe.
but I left him at his old school because he was extremely happy there. He is the kind of child who would be happy anywhere.

I very firmly believe that if you plan for her to go there in year7 anyway then you move her now.
I went to a similar school myself and my DD is at one currently. Starting at the beginning with all the other new year 3’s is the best possible opportunity for settling, finding friends and feeling like you belong.
I’m not quite sure what you think she will ‘miss out’ on? The new school will provide very similar opportunities (more if it’s any good)
Friendship can be kept up if your prepared to make the effort.

Grammar around here only start at year 7
Never realised some took younger children
I'd keep her where she is happy ..If she's grammar school 'material' she can go later.

I think you are seeing what you want to see here (a kind of confirmation bias.) As you said you came for confirmation you are doing the right thing - yet you haven't found that. So you are seeking out ways to discredit the posters, believing they just dont like private schools etc.

When really posters like appletart are in a similar position, and wouldn't move. Many posters will have experience of similar situations (and also both sectors but this isnt even a question about moving sectors) but between an already good private shool in which your child is happy and thriving and in one which you believe to be better (but not really qualified how). Is it status seeking? Looking at results? Other posters have said children at your current school have good outcomes at year 6 so there isn't really any down side to where they are now. Year 7 is a normal transition so many will transition then to your chosen school/others and you also know then what will suit your child best at that age.

Im curious what has sparked the interest in the other school now? Where you happy before this withbyour current provision?

I think you'd be advised very differently if your child was unhappy or there were difficulties with the school but for many people/teachers (I'm both) it would seem madness to move a happy thriving child from a good school.

I will repeat what I said earlier, and some other PPs have mentioned:

Be very sure that your place is guaranteed at Y7. If it is very academic, most schools are quite happy to manage out those seen as it coping, or likely to bring down standards before getting to Y7.

You will then be stuck with no Y7 place, having to do your own 11+ prep and moving schools again. What is Plan B?

You still haven’t said in what ways this new school is actually better than the old one. Or what you mean by “best”. I think you’re avoiding the question because it is better in terms of exam results and you think people will judge you to move your child’s school in pursuit of higher exam results when she’s already happy. You keep mentioning opportunities and “growth” etc but if you meant extra curricular clubs and drama and arts etc then I don’t know why you don’t just say that?

Also I have no idea why you’re moving her if it’s “devastating” to you.

This is one of the most bizarre threads I think I’ve ever read because I just don’t understand what it is that you’re trying to achieve. And you are doing this weird thing where you’re asking for opinions but avoiding questions and then getting funny with anyone who says maybe it’s not a great idea to move her.

It’s natural to want your children to go to a good school where they are happy and will flourish. It seems like you have that already. Quite how your daughters life will be measurably improved at the new school I don’t know. Your aspirations for her seem to be tied in with your ideas about success and “the best” and it’s all very odd. She will be happy, she’ll get some qualifications, I’m sure she’ll get a job... all from her current school.

There is clearly some judgement on this page about the fact that the schools are private. That’s neither here nor there really amd my mistake for mentioning it.

The answers were almost unanimously the same before you mentioned they were private. I think you wanted to be told it was fine but it's not the case that it will be fine, so pepper have said so. It's not judgement.

*people not pepper

Its clearly not devastating to her if she's so keen to do it. More of wanting to be able to say "I really didn't want to move her but shrug what can you do?" As if the choice was taking out of her hands or obvious to all. Which it isn't...

I think having a happy settled child is a precious thing and I would have to be really persuaded it was worth upending that. We’ve had friends move their dc at primary because the child is unhappy - they would give anything to be in your shoes. Am sure both schools are fine why is one so much better than the other if both private?

That said we not in a hot house area and the happiness of the young person comes over anything else.

From reading OP’s posts I gather she wants to move her now as she doesn’t feel she’ll get in at 11 but she will be able to continue at 11 if she goes now. A few of us in that case have raised the question of what if her child isn’t academic enough as time goes on, there are plenty of posts where parents are told the school isn’t right for the child as the child approaches the transition to year 7. Then what?

Also I am the only poster who has said anything about private, because I don’t actually agree with private education. It has not affected my opinion at all in your situation.

I don't think anyone is judging because the schools are private. The same principle would hold true if it were 2 state schools. The reasons for moving a child when you don't have to are because there are problems in the existing school that you don't see being resolved or that the new school provides such strong benefits that they outweigh the disruption of moving the child. I can't see either of these applying here.

Your child is already at a 4-11 school which will be set up to give pupils the support they need to move to the best school (for them) at age 11. I don't see the benefit of moving them now increases that possibility (actually it probably narrows it as you are unlikely to want to move her again at 11, even if another school might be better). What moving her now will do is remove some of the stress of taking selective exams at age 11, which isn't something that (quite surprisingly) you've even mentioned as that would be a genuine benefit.

So I think what you are saying is that you are tossing up the relative merits of two private schools. One goes through to year 6 and isn't pushy. The other is a new(?) selective through school.

I was in a slightly different position to you in that I was the only parent to move DD to the nearby selective for year 3 from a state infants. She is now yr9. I do not regret it at all.

She has remained friends with her little "gang" from Infant's school, and some of their new friends too, and has probably had far fewer friendship dramas at her current school because she has these other friendship groups at clubs and outside. She found it really useful during lockdown to chat away to people who'd done something different to her that day (though hopefully we won't have another of those for a while!).

DD is fairly introvert, but settled in quickly at the new school. It is worth looking at whether intakes increase at the key stages. If they double you should check what the school does to make new children and their parents feel welcome (so coffee mornings/groups/fundraisers for parents and team-building days and buddies for the children?).

The children still had to sit the entrance exam in year 6 (for which they had plenty of coaching from their teachers) and I think a couple of parents were asked to consider whether the school really would be a good fit for their child by year 5. To put it bluntly, reasonably bright/academic parents tend to have fairly bright kids (so look at your own backgrounds). It is probably grim to be in the bottom quartile of a selective school.

Try to find 3 or 4 things other than "it is the best school" that you think your daughter would like (does it have a lovely library, great kitchen new sports or music options) and highlight those. Are there subjects they offer that the current school doesn't?