Being forced to send child to private school against 1 parents wishes?

[Ginfilledcats]

Hi,

Not sure if this is the right board so please Mumsnet move it if so.

Short question is: can 1 parent be forced into sending, and paying half of private school for child against their wishes?

Detail: Basically parents are split (never married) co-parent 50/50 exactly including paying half each for nursery. Both parents work for NHS (one front line, one admin) both earn £30k and are both full time.

Child in question is currently 3 years old and attends a private nursery that is attached to a private primary school.

Parent A wants child to go to the private school her reasons are:

• wanting the best education for her child, education is very important to them
• they went to a very good boarding school and want the best for their child that money can buy
• child's older brother is at the school (paid for by older child's father)
• wrap around care included in the cost (£800 a month)
• school gets excellent results
• small classes

Parent B wants child to go to local state school because

• state school performs really well, Outstanding, at OFSTED
• wants the child to mix with all sorts of children from different backgrounds
• wants child to have local friends (private school is not in their local area)
• neither parent can actually afford said school (have asked grandparents to pay at least half, parent A's will, parent B's will not)
• parent B and all his family attended state schools and all done very well education and career wise
• there is no private high school anywhere near this area so wouldn't continue private into high school.

Parent A is adamant that child will go to this school (has already applied and paid deposit) and is demanding parent B pay half of fees plus uniform, like they are currently for nursery (which is £250 each per month). Parent B feels as they don't want them to go to this school, once school age they shouldn't have to pay anything else.

Parent B pays for food/clothes/toys etc at their home, plus half of nursery at present.

Can parent A force parent B to continue to pay (and pay more!) for the school when it's 50/50. And can parent A unilaterally decide what school the child goes to?

What should Parent B do? They cannot afford the pay the school fees on their wage, lives in an absolutely tiny 2 bed terrace (mortgaged and is cheaper than renting anywhere within the local area), owns cheap second half car not on finance.

Advice grateful appreciated.

I know state school kids who called private school kids rich bitches. All kids can be nasty.

As for the question. Yes, parent B can refuse. Just don’t sign the registration forms for the school. If need be, tell the bursar that they cannot afford it. School will probably then decline the place if both parents don’t agree and there is insufficient funds. Parent A would never get a court to agree to parent B paying this.

Is the other child funded by Parent C? If so, this has nothing to do with Parent B. Joint decisions by parents do have to be joint regarding education but forcing someone to pay £thousands on top of maintenance isn’t possible. So Parent A will either have to find from somewhere else or change their views. If they try and force Parent B by going down a legal route it’s unlikely they will win. Parent B needs a way bigger income to afford this down the years and it’s not an acceptable position to be forced to do this.

Make sure Parent B applies for a local state school - including ones they will get into from their primary address do not rely on parent A to apply. Can imagine what would happen if there is no state reception place, they will end up at private by default.

I suggest that parent B puts it on writing to parent A that they will not contribute to private school fees nor to school uniform beyond 50% of the equivalent of state school. Same with breakfast club/after school care and school extra curricular activities.

[quote thetell]@ItsLoisSangersFault all the outstanding primary schools I have seen look far from terrifying both from the inside or outside! They are incredible and inspiring places to learn packed to the rafters with lovely children dynamic senior leadership teams and very good teachers. Have you ever been in one?![/quote]
@thetell incredible, inspiring and dynamic leadership are exactly the words I would use to describe the state primary ive taught in for the last 10 years

I have a lot of friends who put their DC in private right from reception. These parents were also privately educated- they would just never consider state. Its just out of their frame of reference - its impossible for them to see the good, they just see the liveliness.

My eldest goes private and they never asked about their dad, I signed up, I pay.

So I suspect she can do it, but it would only last until they didn’t get paid!

I think parent Bs reasons against private are spurious, I actually signed mine up as the private is far more multicultural and varied in their pupils than the local Comp they would get bullied at by the pretty much all white pupils!

However the money is totally unrealistic, it’s about £12k a year as they go through school, forget uniform and everything else. And imho it’s the wrong way round to put them in private primary and state secondary (mine are in state primary).

Surely if the money isn’t there it just isn’t! And as for asking parent Bs parents that’s some cheeky fuckery.

If parent A wants this, and can find it between her parents contribution, and herself- then go for it. A private education is a privilege, not a right and parent B unless previously has agreed to it, does not need to consent to paying for this now.

@PPNC
A lot of schools ell ask about both parents and both have to sign the contract with the school. If you pay without anyone else contributing, that’s not the same as the op. Schools want their money from anyone with responsibilities for the child and usually both parents have responsibility. Parent B is being asked to contribute so should be a signatory to the contract. Certainly at our school both parents were required to agree where both parents were parenting the child. However fees are currently £12,000 a term so big money!

Sending a 3 year old to a boarding school is absolutely disgusting, the opposing parent could apply for a prohibited steps order if they disagree with going to the private school. Gosh poor child.

Sorry I thought the child was at boarding school, but my other advice still stands.

I have no problems with children going private BUT I think it is unfair on the child if the fees mean the child goes without in other areas.

Putting the pressure on a child of not having holidays, trips out, activities etc in order to pay for private school is a horrible thing to do and if parent B is contributing that would happen.

I also think that the money spent could buy so much outside school help, a tutor if needed, activities such as horse riding that are not cheap. A holiday that is in part educational such as a trip to Egypt or Machu Picchu.

Who is going to bear the brunt logistics of having two children at schools miles apart? That's got to be a major consideration surely?

B could warn the school they are not in agreement and can’t afford. I don’t they will be offered a place then.

agree B should tell the school themselves in case somehow there ends up being 2 signatures on the contract.

It's mad to think it's affordable though, private school is out of the reach of 95% of people (including me!) And it shouldn't be the default.

On the entry form for our school both parents have to sign to say they agree to pay the fees.
If they can't agree it's a no. Simples.

Thanks everyone! So much useful info (and opinions that I agree with)

Update from parent B is that they think they signed something but not sure what. They are going to write to the school and explain the situation has changed (financially and relationship wise).

Parent B is just simply not in a position to pay for the private primary school (no intention at the moment of children going to private high school as there just is not one anywhere near our area! We are also not a grammar area). Parent B broached this with parent A who has declared that any CMA they receive will be going to the school fees then, parent B is saddened that this money that is intended to be spent on clothing/feeding/household bills won't be spent on that at all.

The CMA parent B pays is around £200 as they have child 3-4 nights out of 7. So parent B has to have money for food/bedding/clothes etc at their house equal to the other. Parent B doesn't begrudge paying towards child despite being nearly 50/50 as they want child to be well looked after warm and clothed, but guesses it's up to parent A how they spend that money?

Yes it's nothing to do with Parent B what parent A spends maintenance on.

Definitely write to the school and ask for a copy of what they signed!!! It will be interesting to see if they can actually withdraw the offer. It may be that they have to give notice that they no longer consent to DC attending.

Parent A needs a reality check and shouldn’t be relying on grandparents to pay more than half the fees; that’s like saying you want to live in a mansion but can only afford a terrace so expect someone else to buy it for you 🙄 with parent B all the way

What jumps out of your OP is that parent A wants 'the best that money can buy' but does not have the money to buy the best! (Time to change career / sector / accelerate your career fast, parent A).

Of course A cannot force B into this.

B does need to think about what would happen if A and family could pay for the whole thing.

It seems to be one particular school, that the half brother attends, that is being considered. Is that necessarily the best school for this child? I thought the point of being able to afford private education was that it gave you the power to choose the school that best suits the child (within reason). This sounds like a choice based upon convenience for parent A, by parent A.

When a child goes to a school, you do tend to know the school. Therefore I would assume it’s ok for this child. However if there is not enough money for a child to attend the school, it’s almost impossible to force B to pay, given what they earn. Earning 3 or 4 times as much - different story.

Of course parent A wants convenience. Of course parent A wants the same education for DCs. But it’s not possible if the money isn’t there. I would suggest both DC go to a state school then no division at all.

I think you could argue that, if parent A went to boarding/private school and is only earning £30,000 per annum in an admin role, then a private education is not any superior. Especially as her ex, who is state educated, is making the same.

Let her rich dad foot the bill.

Might have been a boarding school for dyslexics. Not all boarding schools select on academic tests. Some of the most expensive deal with SEN.

@PresentingPercy

When a child goes to a school, you do tend to know the school. Therefore I would assume it’s ok for this child. However if there is not enough money for a child to attend the school, it’s almost impossible to force B to pay, given what they earn. Earning 3 or 4 times as much - different story.

Of course parent A wants convenience. Of course parent A wants the same education for DCs. But it’s not possible if the money isn’t there. I would suggest both DC go to a state school then no division at all.

It would never be possible to force a parent to pay school fees unless it was specified in the Final Consent Order of a divorce