Being forced to send child to private school against 1 parents wishes?

[Ginfilledcats]

Hi,

Not sure if this is the right board so please Mumsnet move it if so.

Short question is: can 1 parent be forced into sending, and paying half of private school for child against their wishes?

Detail: Basically parents are split (never married) co-parent 50/50 exactly including paying half each for nursery. Both parents work for NHS (one front line, one admin) both earn £30k and are both full time.

Child in question is currently 3 years old and attends a private nursery that is attached to a private primary school.

Parent A wants child to go to the private school her reasons are:

• wanting the best education for her child, education is very important to them
• they went to a very good boarding school and want the best for their child that money can buy
• child's older brother is at the school (paid for by older child's father)
• wrap around care included in the cost (£800 a month)
• school gets excellent results
• small classes

Parent B wants child to go to local state school because

• state school performs really well, Outstanding, at OFSTED
• wants the child to mix with all sorts of children from different backgrounds
• wants child to have local friends (private school is not in their local area)
• neither parent can actually afford said school (have asked grandparents to pay at least half, parent A's will, parent B's will not)
• parent B and all his family attended state schools and all done very well education and career wise
• there is no private high school anywhere near this area so wouldn't continue private into high school.

Parent A is adamant that child will go to this school (has already applied and paid deposit) and is demanding parent B pay half of fees plus uniform, like they are currently for nursery (which is £250 each per month). Parent B feels as they don't want them to go to this school, once school age they shouldn't have to pay anything else.

Parent B pays for food/clothes/toys etc at their home, plus half of nursery at present.

Can parent A force parent B to continue to pay (and pay more!) for the school when it's 50/50. And can parent A unilaterally decide what school the child goes to?

What should Parent B do? They cannot afford the pay the school fees on their wage, lives in an absolutely tiny 2 bed terrace (mortgaged and is cheaper than renting anywhere within the local area), owns cheap second half car not on finance.

Advice grateful appreciated.

Wrap around care has been a deciding factor for some by of my colleagues, for children whose parents both work FT, even though they were very against in principle.

When we applied to private schools for our DC, we both had to sign to say we would be liable for fees.
If I were the parent B, I would write to the school advising that I did not consent to the application and would not be liable for the fees.

Sorry , pressed post too soon.
Regarding the fees, our Pre-prep fees were very low in comparison with the Prep school, so £250 per month each for 12 months may not be a mistake. I think it was 1700 per term for reception to year 2, raising to 3500 in year 3. (It must have been some sort of sweetener) But youngest DC is 24.....

If parent a wants that school then they should foot the bill, though parent b should continue to pay 50% of wrap around childcare costs which can be towards the cost. No judge will order a parent on those wages to pay for private school

I'm neither parent actually, but related to) and in agreement with) parent B but was trying really hard initially to be even and unbiased as possible.

Ah! You did so well to be unbiased towards B that you swung a bit in A's favour to me Just reading some updates, I wanted to add first, that I don't think a general dislike for paying for an education is a valid excuse for not going ahead, because plenty of people do favour it, but second, I do really think having local friends is a valid reason, if the school is far from home, having local friends to play with at primary age is important. But I repeat my earlier point that forcing someone into financial hardship is unreasonable and unethical. A either needs to accept B can't pay and fund the full cost themselves, or agree to a fee-free education.

I do really think having local friends is a valid reason, if the school is far from home,

I agree. Otherwise parents will be constantly having to run the child round to friends houses. I don't think is fair of parent A to decide how parent B should spend her money, especially with these kind of figures, so my sympathy is with parent B.

The local friends argument is so weak. I went to a school 15 miles away and still had local friends - just join a local club like brownies! And chances are some of the children in the school will live near by. I had several local school friends and we all went on the school bus together.
Stick to reasons of cost alone - much stronger argument.

I can't see how B would be forced to pay the fees. If A cannot afford to pay the fees alone, and B refuses to contribute then surely the child will not be going to the private school.
B needs to apply for the state school place in the normal way, and make it clear to A that the place is available. They need to reiterate they cannot afford to, and will not be contributing to fees.
If A does decide they will cover all the fees then B will have to decide if they are prepared for the child to go on this basis. If they are not then a court would have to decide.

The local friends argument is so weak

I disagree. DD is an only child, and having local friends was very important for her. We live rurally and I didn't want to spend every weekend driving her to friends.

When DD was at Brownies all the girls just stuck with their friends from school. One girl went to school out of area and didn't make any Brownie friends.

Parent B cant be forced to pay. Parent A should fork out or shut up.

Absolutely no can’t be forced

* . Parent A is from London, went to boarding school them self and is only use to that world.*

Clearly used to another world if working for NHS £30k a year!

YABU to expect your parents to pay for your child to go to this school
Whonwill be paying for their uniforms, expensive trips, music lessons etc ?

What happens when your mum and dad can't afford to give you the money?

What happens when your older child realises they are paying? Is there an expectation that grandparents spend the same on him?

How are you going to get the younger child's father to pay?

Primary education is excellent as a rule, and sending them to an independent primary is a waste.

Money aside, I think that both parents need to get of their high horse over their state Vs private ideologies and think over what is best for the child.
Parent A can't force Parent B to make a financial commitment though. If they/their parents are willing to pay the whole fees and extras, that's different.

And as parent A went to boarding school and is "only" earning £30k....what a waste of money... It's not like it's guarantee to get a well paid job.

Is parent A, your sister?

Interesting. The OP works for the NHS...

Won’t the private school want both parents to be consenting to the DC continuing at the school?

This was a few years ago, so I may be misremembering, but our older DC went to a private nursery attached to a private primary school.
IIRC, when we filled in all the paperwork for the admissions, the school required signatures from anyone with parental responsibility. They wouldn’t have accepted DC if only one of me / DH had signed.
Not sure why exactly, I don’t have the paperwork anymore, but presumably it’s to do with being able to pursue both parents for fees if that ever became an issue.

Although having said that, the private school operated under a presumption that DC in their private school nursery would continue into the private school Reception class unless parents gave written notice that they were removing the DC - this was also made clear in the paperwork we were given when DC started at the nursery.

So it’s possible that the private school may assume that Parent B is willing to continue contributing to school fees throughout primary school unless Parent B writes to them to say otherwise.

Also bear in mind that private school fees tend to increase as the child gets older.

@Enidblyton1

The local friends argument is so weak. I went to a school 15 miles away and still had local friends - just join a local club like brownies! And chances are some of the children in the school will live near by. I had several local school friends and we all went on the school bus together. Stick to reasons of cost alone - much stronger argument.

That's a good point about making local friends through clubs and actually through playing out too (do kids still do that?) I'll mention that!

@Chewingle

Interesting. The OP works for the NHS...

I do work for NHS, as do both parents in the scenario (neither of which are me)! I'm still on mat leave with my baby currently.

I agree with a pp though, I'm not totally opposed to private education, but teacher friends suggest paying for private primary (and not high school) isn't worth it (though obviously if the school went 4-16 that might be different)

@MatildaStoker

Won’t the private school want both parents to be consenting to the DC continuing at the school?

This was a few years ago, so I may be misremembering, but our older DC went to a private nursery attached to a private primary school.
IIRC, when we filled in all the paperwork for the admissions, the school required signatures from anyone with parental responsibility. They wouldn’t have accepted DC if only one of me / DH had signed.
Not sure why exactly, I don’t have the paperwork anymore, but presumably it’s to do with being able to pursue both parents for fees if that ever became an issue.

Although having said that, the private school operated under a presumption that DC in their private school nursery would continue into the private school Reception class unless parents gave written notice that they were removing the DC - this was also made clear in the paperwork we were given when DC started at the nursery.

So it’s possible that the private school may assume that Parent B is willing to continue contributing to school fees throughout primary school unless Parent B writes to them to say otherwise.

Also bear in mind that private school fees tend to increase as the child gets older.

Ah that's good to know too! Thank you!

I applied for Dd to go to private secondary, neither her dad or I could afford it but she is academically bright so we were hoping for a bursary. She got in but didn't get a bursary so can't go.

On the forms I was filling in, as Dds dad and I were not together I only had to give my financial details and I would be the only 1 liable for fee contribution had she received part of a bursary. However if parents were together at the start of the child's schooling then they were both expected to pay for school fees for the duration.

@00100001

And as parent A went to boarding school and is "only" earning £30k....what a waste of money... It's not like it's guarantee to get a well paid job.

Lol mmm the irony of that isn't lost on me either. I went to state school and did the same job as parent A a few years ago.

Not that earning £30k is anything to be looked down on, nor is going to a private school. Each to their own.

The issue here is the disagreement and the inability for either party to afford it. Parent A thinks Parent B should work over time/use credit cards and get their parents to contribute to "give child the best opportunity". And is guilting them about not wanting the best for child.

Now, if child was struggling at a big mainstream school, or was academic, or needed support that school wasn't providing, or there were bullying issues, I think parent B would be onboard and move child and do whatever they could to support. But parent B (and their parents) think starting off in that environment might be unnecessary.

I also agree with the pp who said both parents have chips on their shoulder about state v private, that's very true. And both very stubborn, one very snobby and one very "reverse snobby" if you get what I mean (as in one looks down on poor folk" and the other thinks little of "rich people")

Neither come off brilliantly I admit

Private school fees around here are more like £15k a year.

Some people in my area do private y3-y6 if in a grammar area to be better prepared for that. Otherwise I don't really see the need for it if you won't be private at secondary/

In the nicest possible way parent A needs to grow up. Parent B sounds much more sensible. Also the local friend thing is SO important at primary age.