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Original poster

Divorced parents in TWO parents evenign appointments... has the world gone mad?

75 replies

HUNXXXX · 19/10/2007 09:22

chatting to teacher
at one priary school she owrked in out of a class of 30 she had 53 parents evenign appointments, where adults coudl not sit itn eh same room to discuss the welfare of their kid.

OP posts:
nutcracker · 19/10/2007 09:51

No not as far as I know, although they did both accuse each other of that. Basically they just didn't get on.

They had a trial seperation when I was about 8 and my dad moved out for 6mths and then they gave it another go . Then when I was about 11/12 it kicked off properly and they filed for divorce. My mum automatically assumed she'd have the kids, but then I decided I wanted to live with my dad and so he went for custody of all of us and eventually a few days before the custody hearing my mum gave up after getting a letter from my solicitor stating that if custody was awarded to her I would seek further advice and return to my dad anyway.

Was all very sad and stressful at the time.

Gobbledispook · 19/10/2007 09:51

I'd like to think if it was dh and I we'd be grown up enough to go together. Hmmmm.

Original poster
HUNXXXX · 19/10/2007 09:52

poor niutty

OP posts:
Original poster
HUNXXXX · 19/10/2007 09:52

if we divorced ID go cos dh woudl forget

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Gobbledispook · 19/10/2007 09:53

Ha ha, well yes, that's probably how it would work here. Dh would never go if I didn't tell him the time and date and remind him to leave work early!!

Original poster
HUNXXXX · 19/10/2007 09:54

mien says he si comign then somehting comes up then he isnt comign
t hen he lurches aroudn the corner..

its that organised
but tbh we did lal three in 20 mins.

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pirategirl · 19/10/2007 09:55

when ex dh left, i hoped it would be 'all for the love of our child', this 'joint' being we had together.

Sometimes splitting up brings out the worst in people. my ex and I went separately, he doesn't want to be in the same room as me. he left me tho not the other way round.

I would def go with him, however hard, and sad that would also make me feel, yet he won't.

FioFio · 19/10/2007 09:56

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Caroline1852 · 19/10/2007 09:56

nutcracker - horrible for you. It is the ultimate let-down isn't it; the two people who should love you best using you as a pawn?

FioFio · 19/10/2007 09:58

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clutteredup · 19/10/2007 10:00

shouldn't they make 2 appointments then for the parents who can't attend together due to childcare and work realted difficulties. I have friends whose dh/dps can't come as they are away on business etc. should every parent have the right to have an alternative appointment not just the acrimoniously separated ones.
I used to work in a private school and each report for each subject for each child had to be handwritten error free. where parents were separated we had to handwrite 2 sets, no photocopies were allowed!!

orangehead · 19/10/2007 10:01

poor teacher.
What does that teach the children if grown ups cant even act civil. My x isnt bothered with the kids so isnt a problem but I would allow him to come if he wanted despite everthing he done

FioFio · 19/10/2007 10:03

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Surfermum · 19/10/2007 10:36

I think the difference, clutteredup, is that for dh this was the only way of knowing how dsd was getting on.

If I attend dd's parents' evening alone as dh is working I can pass on to him what was said. I wouldn't expect him to have his own appointment in that case.

clutteredup · 19/10/2007 10:52

I see your point surfermum

hatwoman · 19/10/2007 11:00

surfermum - imho it's the school that are at fault and are pandering to this woman. it's not up to her to refuse - it shouldn;t be seen as her appointment. it's an alloted time at which the school make themselves available to discuss the progress of the child. it's more like an invitation - the parents of the child - both parents - can choses to turn up or not. I admit that there could be a communication issue but in theory it really isn;t up to this woman .

Lizzylou · 19/10/2007 11:11

My parents divorced when I was 10 and they used to go to different parents evenings for myself and my brother. High school held parents evenings over 2 nights anyway and we used to have to attend with our parents, so I used to have to go twice, which I found embarrassing to say the least. Luckily I was a bit of a swot so it wasn't 2 nights of b%ll$ckings!

My parents have only now sat in the same room and I was really spooked when they had a conversation, it was wierd after all these years of running between them at graduation/weddings etc. But I am putting my foot down now and only holding one birthday tea for DS's etc, so they have to bloody grow up.

Original poster
HUNXXXX · 19/10/2007 11:15

dhs grandparesnt(!) divoced in the late 50s

by our wedding in 1996 it was STIll a delicates subject
i said oh fgs htey have been divorced longer than they wer emarried

then latterly before grandad died MIl reckoned itd be eaier to gett hem to get bakc together again
btu they never did!

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Lizzylou · 19/10/2007 11:20

My Grandparents divorced when my Dad was in his teens, they only just now speak to other civilly (only if my Dad's stepmom isn't there), my Wedding pictures were a blast, I had about 5 different sets of Brides family ones.

Surfermum · 19/10/2007 11:53

I tend to agree hatwoman, but if dh hadn't had his own appointment he wouldn't have gone for the sake of not having another confrontation with his x, not having another argument and not putting the school in the position of having it going on on their premises. And dh honestly used to do nothing to provoke her. I can remember one time when all he said was "good morning" and she turned to her friend and went "see? see what he's like, he's just trying to wind me up".

I have to say though, things are so much better now. For years I used to worry ahead to dsd's wedding and think "well I'm just not going to be there" . His x refused to speak to me or refer to me by my name for about 8 years. But we turned a corner this year, dh started to go in for a cuppa and a chat when he dropped off dsd and a couple of weeks ago I was invited in too. And I'm about to GIVE her my car as I'm getting another. That's huge considering how bad things were, and I am so, so pleased. And so is dsd (except she can no longer play us all off against each other!). I feel really for those whose parents never got there.

LittleBellaLugosi · 19/10/2007 12:07

I disagree that schools shouldn't "pander" to people in this position. On the one hand it is absurd that 2 grown adults can't behave as such, but there are real circumstances where it is simply not justified to insist that a separated couple sit in the same room.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and as most DV is not reported to the police, it would be highly improper to force someone who has been raped/ beaten up or been through terrible psychological abuse, to sit in the same room as someone who makes her feel physically sick with fear and who uses all contact with her to re-inforce her fear. You just can't have that.

RibenaBerry · 19/10/2007 12:16

I disagree with separate appointments. In a lot of classes, agreeing to this can almost double the number of appointments people want. At the school my BF works at the rule is "you come together, or you choose who comes".

I am sure that they would make exceptions if they were made aware of domestic violence or something but the fact is that most situations are NOT like that and it is simply not viable to let people have extra appointments just in case there is a problem. To be honest, if there is an issue like domestic violence between separated parents, the school have often been notified anyway because of issues like who is allowed to collect the children from school.

persephonesnape · 19/10/2007 12:16

I spose that by having two appointments the teacher doesn't have to witness any sniping/oneupmanship - but i agree it shouldn't be the case unless theres extremely extenuating circumstances. I have no problem at all in sitting in the same room as my ex, but it's generally an elaborate 'brave face' for the benefit of my children, personally i think the guys an idiot, but then that only came to light after I'd been through three pregnabncies... .

I would absolutely NOT countenace having to sit in the same room as my ex and his new partner to discuss our child. There is a limit to my levels of co operation.

LittleBellaLugosi · 19/10/2007 12:18

RB, most DV is unreported.

So there is no record of it.

Casual violence in the home is so normal, it doesn't usually lead to the court cases, injunctions etc. It therefore is not on record. And many women wouldn't make the school aware of it because they don't want to be labelled. Or they assume they wouldn't be believed.

TellusMater · 19/10/2007 12:21

I have had to give appointments for parents at opposite ends of the evening so the parents don't have to be in the hall together. It extended my evening a wee bit but I figured it must be so miserable for the poor child involved (she always looked so embarrased when she asked) there was no way I was going to make any comment on it. And two parents at loggerheads (as they clearly were) would probably not be best placed to listen to what I had to say if they were sat together. They made little jibes about each other as it was.