Tough first year in prep what shall I do

[goldenthread]

This is long please bear with me,

Dc has been at this school since year 2 and has now entered year 3.
Unfortunately when lockdown happened we didn't do enough work and a lot of parents hired tutors (they've told me this) and their dc are now well ahead of where they would have been I'd only at school.
We are now being told dc is behind in their year. I am not sure if they're behind the average for their age or only in their school. I think it's the school. It's really upset me. I feel like I've completely let down my dc but I was working etc in lockdown and found it difficult to get on with everything.

Anyway I'm wondering if to change dc school due to the following:
The day runs 8:15-4:15 minimum. Dc is falling asleep in the car but we then have homework which takes them 30 minutes but can take longer & also accelerated reading books of which they're quite long books now and dc is expected to get through as many as possible a week.

Another thing that has got to me is that if dc does not remember to take their homework folder or book home the teacher will not help them remember and they fall further behind.

This week despite asking dc to bring their hw folder home they haven't all week, I emailed the teacher and the teacher said if they don't take it home themselves they don't get marked. Dc has just turned 7 is a summer baby and it seems a bit mean, dc now has whole weeks hw to do at weekend for a test that's on Monday when the other dc would have had the information all week.
So if they fail the test they will just be marked down as 'below average' it seems as this has happened before and dc 'failed' the test.
Or maybe I'm being precious? I don't know.

Dc is looking tired and stressed, bags under their eyes and constantly snapping. They look like someone who's in a tough job and needs a holiday!

Me and dh work (from home) extremely hard ourselves to afford school and don't want to do the wrong thing. We are happy to invest in a school that helps our dc but it appears after speaking to the school they are now preparing us as parents for a dc to sit and sail along in the bottom sets etc with low expectations and I'm worried that it will all be for nothing, I don't believe dc is not capable of doing better so this is also a concern.

We didn't have any problems in last school or at home, dc seems to learn well enough if at home. I really think my dc is not coping with their schedule.

On the other hand, dc says they really like school and doesn't want to leave.
I think the school itself is good and I don't have a problem with the school itself but a combination of parents hiring tutors over summer etc has brought the standard up too high for my dc (teacher said this is one of the highest achieving years she's seen so far so dc has a lot of catching up to do but never know if that's rubbish I suppose)

There are no state schools where we are and I'm not sure how dc will cope moving from here to a large class state or to be perfectly honest even another prep. They were isolated a lot in lockdown and they are desperate to stay with other dc and I think when they say 'don't let me leave school' they mean don't take me away from other dc again.

The only other thing I can think to do is hire tutors or extra help to catch them up outside of school and also help take the pressure off of me and dh who work and seem to be failing keeping up with everything. The school schedule is taking over our lives I'm in awe of anyone with more than one dc !

If anyone thinks they can offer some advice please help. I am feeling pretty low about it all today.
Thanks

I would talk to the school again and explain your position. You expected the work provided by school during the lockdown to be sufficient but obviously other parents didn't so and hired tutors. Ask the school how you can work together. Ask them to rind the child to bring their book home that they are only 7 etc. Ask if they are below for the highly tutored class or nationally.

Moving school is your last resort so you need to investigate with the school first.

It's surprising your child is rally asleep in the car on the way home from school? We also have summer born yr 3 who has a 45 min bus journey so we leave home at 7.20 and he gets back at 5.10. what time do they go to bed? Are they sleeping ok? Are they doing too much in the evenings and weekends?

OP this made me feel sad. Your DC is only 7 years old!

Personally I would ask for a meeting with the school. I would explain that you have heard that DC is falling behind, and you want to work with the school to come up with a plan to help them catch up. Say that want to know what you should do to help, and also that you want to hear about the support the school will be offering. Try not to be defensive or dwell on what happened last term - focus on the future and how to improve things from this point. If you don't feel that you get a good enough response from the teacher, escalate to the deputy head.

I definitely would not be hiring extra tutors for a 7 year old who is already looking tired.

Apologies for all the typos...

My children went to an independent school from nursery until eldest was in year 7. She was always treated like she wasn't bright and made to feel dumb. We switched to state system and she has flourished. She had excellent grades at GCSE and has been predicted top grades at A level. She is applying for medical school. I am utterly convinced she wouldn't have done as well in the previous school. My son is year 11 and also thriving as is youngest in year 6.
Independent schools aren't the best for all children in my opinion.

Thank you for the replies.
Our journey is 45 minutes and yes they sleep in the car. Maybe I should look into if there's a reason they're asleep so quickly that I should look into too then. They are doing a lot of sport vs none in our family over summer so I put it down to that initially. We are trying to keep up with outside interests but this term will be the last I think in order to focus on school alone.

Thanks for the pointers as to what I should say to school.
Re the tutors it was more to hire 'fun' ones to do their hw with them and help them catch up vs me dreading doing it each evening in the middle of trying to do my own work and sort dinner etc.

I think I do need to speak to the school first though.
I am sad too, the only good thing is that dc says they are happy at school. Without that I'd probably just move.

Agree with Willowsmummy. I have two girls, both been in independent schools. My eldest really struggled academically (not socially) at an all girls private school. It really knocked her confidence. My youngest however thrived as more academically able. Eldest now at an all girls grammar school and it suits her far better. I would seriously consider exploring alternative options.

I do agree that the perception of "average" or "behind" can be skewed in prep schools, particularly where other parents use tutors etc. Do they do Cats and/or Pips as this can level the results as based on potential and age? However a y3 should not be so exhausted as to fall asleep. Is he physically ok?

Can you give him a prompt to pick up his hw folder, build it into a routine for him like putting on coat. I'd be surprised if noone prompts them on leaving to do so (is there a ta?). Why did you not follow work during lockdown? This gap should be able to be overcome and he may not be alone. Is he struggling with the level expected, organisation, concentration, following instructions and so on, teacher should be able to identify what applies, or not. Would you also consider a tuition group like Explore to help reinforce the basics and build confidence?

Would dropping down a year be a workable option? If he’s a summer baby, high achieving cohort and tutors (! don’t get me started) then maybe he would be happier working with a different group. Many preps do this. We moved DS2 from state to a prep in Feb this year, he was Y5...apparently they have even allowed a child in his class to redo y5 because lockdown meant he didn’t do enough work for 11+! That’s extreme but I know of this and other schools that allow summer babies in particular to join the year below their ‘official’ one and I think with boys in particular it can be best.

Prep schools are a very different environment to state primaries. They have homework every day and they are expected to do it. I'm wondering where on earth you live though that there are no state schools nearby and the prep is a 45-min drive. You must live in the middle of a national park or something!

Work with the school. Communicate with his form teacher. Get her email and ask her to please remind your DC to take their homework folder home each day. You should also check their bag when they come out of school and make sure the homework is there before you set off on that long 45-min home. You're paying for this school and if your DC is falling behind then it will take an effort on both parts (you and the school) to help them to catch up and not fall any further behind.

I don't think a just 7yo falling asleep in the car after a busy day at school and lots of sport is that unusual.

Please don't give up all the outside activities OP! Life isn't all about academic achievement.

The kids are shattered as this is their first full on term back.

He probably falls asleep because he is shattered, the car is warm and it’s a long journey back.

My dd2 has just gone in to Y3 Prep from a very ‘relaxed’ independent so has only just managed to do homework and try to organise her self.

Has he just had his exams ( can’t remember what they are called) but ours have just done some kind of exam to see where they are at.

We’ve just had an online parents meeting when the teacher said she got ten marks over the national average. I asked her where she was ranked in the class and she said she was in the middle. She would be expected to achieve another ten points before she’d be accepted in to the local grammar ( in the top ten in the country)

Many of her class are already receiving tutoring.

I had a honest and frank conversation with her teacher and I said that we wouldnt be looking at tutoring as if dd couldn’t get in grammar of her own steam then that wasn’t the right place for her. The teacher was in absolute agreement and said she’d seen many a child with burn out and confusion as the tutor was teaching different methods.

If I was you I’d ask for a meeting to see what was best based solely on your sons welfare. If they said they didn’t think he was up to it or was behind I’d whip him out as those teachers had already given up on him - which is awful.

I was totally shit in academics but excelled in sports. The school system wasn’t for me. Start looking for a school that will enrich his life and you will see his work flourish.

Oh OP please give them a childhood not an outstanding education. They are little for such a short time, they have time to be tired and stressed as an adult. People succeed in life when they haven’t been to a top prep - I know the marketing is skewed to make you worry otherwise but they really do. Find a relaxed indie or a lovely local school and just let to us child be a child. There are many many happy successful people in this country that had very average educations.

Thanks for the replies I really appreciate them.
Yes there is one state school here (we are rural) but it is not a good one and what I meant was I'd rather move to live near a better one as we can do that, I would first have to move areas in order to go to a state school though but I would be willing to if this was the answer.

I am also concerned that dc who is quite soft won't cope after only ever being in a class of 15-20 vs 30+ dc. They can't even cope in the local playground as the dc are more rough. This is a little embarrassing tbh as they are sooo soft it's not that I don't wish they could assert themselves but they just don't.

No they did have tests at the start of term and it picked up that dc is below average. This didn't surprise me as we didn't do enough over lockdown. Tbh my job was under threat so I dedicated myself to that over my dc which obviously isn't great and dh had longer hours due to them reorganising whole company due to Covid.

We would then end up trying to get all school work done in the evening and it just didn't happen well, my dc was definitely left alone for too long, we have no outside help. I am guilty of not doing enough myself and wish I'd hired tutors during lockdown when I realised I was not going to do it myself, I only really spoke to the other mums when we all went back to school and they told me they had hired tutors.

Dc did have assessments (externally assessed) in previous school that said they were above average so I really feel like I've let my dc down now.

I would look for a more supportive school closer to home. There is no evidence that being pushed to be 'ahead' at 7 years old results in better educational outcomes. If anything it causes stress, delays the development of executive functions and, in the end probably damages a child's long-term progress. And a school teacher that cannot cope with differentiating for ability and age, who refuses to support the child with basic organisational things like taking work home and doesn't see it as their job to work with you for your child is, in my view, failing in their role. 30 minutes homework a night after a long school school day is ridiculous too. Some daily reading, weekly spellings and fortnightly times tables is all that is needed.

I think in trying to do the best for your ds you have got lost along the way. You wfm and yet your ds has a long day where he falls asleep on the journey and too much pressure of school work.
A primary school doesn’t have to be excellent if there is support at home.
Take your ds out send him to the local state school and work part time or not at all and spend the time yourself supporting him. Your child needs you more than an expensive primary education.

I, too, would look for a more supportive school closer to home. This current one doesn't seem like the right fit for you and your DS.

OP, please stop beating yourself up about what you should have done over lockdown. You did the right thing to focus on your job when it was looking precarious. One term isn’t a disaster at this age, and your DC should be able to catch up with the right support.

I think the school is at fault over lock down not you- surely they should have been providing online live lessons if they are fee paying? There are lots of fee paying parents on here who say they could get on with their job as they were getting a full timetable of online lessons in return for slightly reduced fees. I feel for you it was such a tough time for everyone but in the long term 3 months of lost learning will not impact the rest of your child’s life. Find a happy school and they will soon toughen up a bit. I went from the most ridiculously sheltered girls private school (high walls, little mixing, 50 years behind rest of world) to a very large senior school and I soon toughened up. They have to learn about the real world at some point, in my opinion the earlier the better!

To my mind this doesn't sound like the right school for your child. He may well do better elsewhere.

I do think you need to make an appointment to discuss his progress and their expectations though.

Where was he educated until y2 and why did he move?

DC in Y3 here also at prep school.

Day is 8:15-4:30 and he is tired at the end of the day. Speaking to DP with older DC they say the DC seemed less tired after half term as they are more in the swing of things.

I have moved bedtime forward to 7pm and that has helped a lot, but my DC has no homework and 15 minutes journey home.

Re being behind, speak to the teacher. If it is not working for your DS they will have to adapt to his needs. Refusing to remind him to bring folder home is an own goal as it will impact his learning. Similarly, what are the school doing to reduce the impact of lockdown- if your DS needs catch up sessions they should organise this. Why should you pay twice?

You are driving 45 mins to this school and have no state schools closer?! It doesn’t sound like the right environment for your son, but it’s what he knows so that’s why he says he’s happy there I expect. Too much pressure for a seven year old. He might be a late starter. Do you read with him at home etc. There’s lots of stuff you can do with him yourself.

I'm a state primary teacher so probably biased but this sounds like a horrible environment for a young child that risks permanently damaging their self-esteem. I assume that this a school which is very academically pushy so you should probably either look into a gentler prep school or consider state for primary.

For what it is worth, I think there is a lot of fault with the school too. I teach year 2 and I was well aware that there was no way children of that age could access new home learning without the support of a parent. Many of our families were not able to provide that support due to working or having multiple children to look after or simply not feeling capable so we set home learning that was largely consolidation of what they had already learned. It is now our job as teachers to help them catch up. If your child's school did not provide a full online timetable and ensure all pupils had the means to access it, then it is their responsibility that he hasn't kept up, not yours.

State school might annoy you more. The really good ones are usually full. My DD is at a Good school but I think it's rubbish. The kids can be extremely disruptive, pretty brutal. All the attention goes to controlling the naughty ones, which is most of them. There's very little effort to stretch more able children. Resources are limited, classes are crammed and enormous.

I think he might be happier staying where he is, possibly repeating the year.

A 45 min drive to school is truly awful at this age, but the nap probably does him good. I would not invest in tutors. Just keep communicating with school and try not to put pressure on him.

As you are doing the school run, why don't you send DC back to class for their homework folder if they come out without it?