Tough first year in prep what shall I do

[goldenthread]

This is long please bear with me,

Dc has been at this school since year 2 and has now entered year 3.
Unfortunately when lockdown happened we didn't do enough work and a lot of parents hired tutors (they've told me this) and their dc are now well ahead of where they would have been I'd only at school.
We are now being told dc is behind in their year. I am not sure if they're behind the average for their age or only in their school. I think it's the school. It's really upset me. I feel like I've completely let down my dc but I was working etc in lockdown and found it difficult to get on with everything.

Anyway I'm wondering if to change dc school due to the following:
The day runs 8:15-4:15 minimum. Dc is falling asleep in the car but we then have homework which takes them 30 minutes but can take longer & also accelerated reading books of which they're quite long books now and dc is expected to get through as many as possible a week.

Another thing that has got to me is that if dc does not remember to take their homework folder or book home the teacher will not help them remember and they fall further behind.

This week despite asking dc to bring their hw folder home they haven't all week, I emailed the teacher and the teacher said if they don't take it home themselves they don't get marked. Dc has just turned 7 is a summer baby and it seems a bit mean, dc now has whole weeks hw to do at weekend for a test that's on Monday when the other dc would have had the information all week.
So if they fail the test they will just be marked down as 'below average' it seems as this has happened before and dc 'failed' the test.
Or maybe I'm being precious? I don't know.

Dc is looking tired and stressed, bags under their eyes and constantly snapping. They look like someone who's in a tough job and needs a holiday!

Me and dh work (from home) extremely hard ourselves to afford school and don't want to do the wrong thing. We are happy to invest in a school that helps our dc but it appears after speaking to the school they are now preparing us as parents for a dc to sit and sail along in the bottom sets etc with low expectations and I'm worried that it will all be for nothing, I don't believe dc is not capable of doing better so this is also a concern.

We didn't have any problems in last school or at home, dc seems to learn well enough if at home. I really think my dc is not coping with their schedule.

On the other hand, dc says they really like school and doesn't want to leave.
I think the school itself is good and I don't have a problem with the school itself but a combination of parents hiring tutors over summer etc has brought the standard up too high for my dc (teacher said this is one of the highest achieving years she's seen so far so dc has a lot of catching up to do but never know if that's rubbish I suppose)

There are no state schools where we are and I'm not sure how dc will cope moving from here to a large class state or to be perfectly honest even another prep. They were isolated a lot in lockdown and they are desperate to stay with other dc and I think when they say 'don't let me leave school' they mean don't take me away from other dc again.

The only other thing I can think to do is hire tutors or extra help to catch them up outside of school and also help take the pressure off of me and dh who work and seem to be failing keeping up with everything. The school schedule is taking over our lives I'm in awe of anyone with more than one dc !

If anyone thinks they can offer some advice please help. I am feeling pretty low about it all today.
Thanks

Can I ask are you driving 3 hours a day? Our children have the same length of journey but take a school bus. Otherwise I would struggle to fit my full-time job in!

Yes I do the morning drop off and I'll get home around 9 to start work and I do the afternoon one as my lunch.

I don't want to explain pick up as I'm not sure how unique what the school is doing but dc is not allowed back into school once they step out for drop off so by the time I know the folder is not there we have to wait until next morning.

I think having thought about everything, I am going to ask what the school are doing to bring my dc up to at least average as I think that they are capable and ask outright if they are hinting the school isn't suitable for our dc as I don't think I can justify a 3 hour commute there, the fees when our jobs have had massive wobbles
and on top of everything my dc not even getting the education I thought they would get here.

Thanks for the help. It's good to think about everything. I. don't know what is normal I went to a heavily academic school but things were clearly a lot easier wayyyyyy back when I was at school

This

Dc is looking tired and stressed, bags under their eyes and constantly snapping. They look like someone who's in a tough job and needs a holiday!

Plus

the shitty teacher attitude

= I wouldn’t waste my money sending my DC here, sounds like an unnurturing unfriendly place to be

Slightly different here but we moved our year 1 day dreamer from a pushy prep to a more gentle one just before lockdown. She is a little below academically as we wfh all over lock down and she spent a lot of time in her pants watching Netflix, but school have been brilliant! She has said a few times that she misses her friends from her old school but this school is so much better suited to her and who she is as person. I'd have a think about whether the ethos of the school suits your child. Pushy parents, tutors and homework every day wouldn't suit me!

I teach 30 Y3s and have a post it note list of things I need to remind the kids to do/what I need to tell individual parents at home time. They’re so young still and yes, personal responsibility is important, but not at the cost of progress it well-being. The teacher is being deliberately awkward.

You did nothing wrong by prioritising your job over lockdown, it’s what millions of parents have had to do. It sounds like your child is at the mercy of a relationship between tutors and parents that pushes the children so far academically, that simply going to school isn’t enough. The school are exacerbating the issue by refusing to help your child keep up to these very high standards.
It sounds like a treadmill that’s unlikely to slow down...

Well, someone has got to be in the bottom set. It doesn’t mean you write them off academically, especially at a private school. One of my DC went to a state primary, then an independent secondary school, where she was in the bottom sets throughout. She moved to a state comprehensive for A levels and is now at a top five university.

@helterskelter3 I think you're right. I would not expect a teacher to allow a dc to leave their homework at school all week to the dc detriment, knowing they have a test on Monday and would have to sit it unprepared.
I don't believe this is the right approach at this age. Older yes, but the dc have also moved to a different building for prep, a completely different set up since Covid and my dc is not finding it easy so I find it a shame a prompt can't happen at least after a day or so of forgetting the folder.

I'm thinking that perhaps this is more of an uphill struggle than it's all worth. The school get results but perhaps if it's so heavy going and my dc isn't keeping up then I'll have to accept it's not the place for them, I really don't want to go through moving schools again but I think it's better to sort it all out now.

Dc2 is yr 3 at a prep but it doesn't sound as full on as yours. In terms of homework he does learning spellings, sometimes writing on the weekend and / maths sheet. Certainly not something every night.
I would speak to the school re how they can help him and remind him of stuff. If this doesn't work then look for a less pushy school.

This sounds utterly shit and not representative of our experience. Year 4 and get homework three times a week. Very supportive and if homework doesn't get done they have the opportunity to do it the next day. I'm sorry but this school sounds pushy and awful. Look around, you don't have to accept this for your kids. Follow your gut instinct is my advice.

Is it a traditional 3-13 prep where they start at the 'prep' in Y3 and things are very different from pre-prep? My (August born) DS struggled with the first few weeks of Y3 because he moved onto having specialist teaching the majority of the time so he had to organise himself to have the right things with him in the right classrooms, and make sure he got changed into the right games kit at the right breaks and turned up for the right sitting of lunch each day, all without much prompting. He was exhausted by it at first, but was in the swing of it by Christmas and then actually much preferred it to pre-prep.

Can you leave DC in school to do prep? Then it would be on the school to make sure it was done? Mine is not supposed to bring anything home (although a little spills over).

And finally, do they have flexi and has your DC shown any interest? We live a 5 minute walk from the school gates but by Y4 DS was begging to sleep over with his friends. We caved in Y5 and let him do once a week and he absolutely bloody loved it. When he found out it was full boarding or nothing this term (coz covid) he asked to full board! (we said no obviously.) Flexi may be a solution to ease the school run drain in a few years time.

Sorry, I've rambled. I was just really trying to say there could be lots of reasons to stick it out, depending on the set up of the school.

This sounds really horrible, I’m not sure why you’re paying for this vile school to ruin your child’s mental health. He’s be better off in your local state primary, however crappy, and saving your money for enrichment outside of school.

You are paying for a private education.... Why on earth should you have to pay for a tutor as well! No.... Just no...

I agree with PP school need to sort this. It seems like horrible environment, teacher is not helpful, this could really damage your child in the long run.

Honestly...I'd be clear with school that they need to sort this... With your help.
But I'd start looking at other options.. Be it state or private... I know you say that they are quite soft... But you can't keep them in a bubble for rest of life they will need to toughen up... Easier now than later...

A good local state can be supplemented by tutors and good sports/activities in the evenings/weekend..

teach 30 Y3s and have a post it note list of things I need to remind the kids to do/what I need to tell individual parents at home time. They’re so young still and yes, personal responsibility is important, but not at the cost of progress it well-being. The teacher is being deliberately awkward.

This!

7 year olds should not be treated like this, there’s absolutely no need for it! Your child needs a little bit of a nudge to remember his folder and the teacher isn’t willing to do it- how unprofessional is that, it’s draconian.

As others have said, find another school nearer home. If that means you have to live then do it.

OP you need to give yourself a break and you have definitely not let your DC down. This year has been really tough and we’ve just done what we can to stop everything thing turning to shit.

He has still got many many years left in education - he is really just at the start of the journey.

Have a chat with the school and look for a way forward

@reefedsail yes very trad prep. Actually your post has given me a little hope. The stamina is most definitely not there yet this term.
They used to be able stay for prep but not this term. It's not available due to Covid measures (except for older years). And yes I've applied for flexi but alas they have said no flexi until earliest January if that. Again, Covid measures. What a joy the driving has been as a result sigh. I do understand though.

Thanks @Harrysblondie the wine is out, I am going to get all of this sorted whatever happens.
This has all been very useful.

Your child is only Yr3, there is still alot of catch up time to be made. Did the prep provide any online lessons, feedback end of last term to indicate your child was missing her cohort expectations? And also, is it the school expected level or national standards. Have they proof like SAS levels? This has been an extreme year. Most preps have bend over backwards to care for their students. You should not require a tutor for Prep school, yr 2/3. State school more likely.

I suspect the school is grooming their students to average up, and push out their perceived lower achieving students. Trust your instincts and seek a better pastoral caring school. Your current one sounds purposely difficult.

Thanks. If the school wants us out I'd rather know so I can deal with it. I am ok with my dc not being 'top' but not ok to pay the fees if they are going to be left at the bottom with no support. I may as well do state and tutors or a less academic prep that might lead to a more positive outcome.

I am listing everything on here to ask the school as well as my own concerns.
I think they have internal assessments now and external ones later.

What kind of childhood are you giving your child? Put him in the local school near you so he isn’t exhausted. Honestly 45 minutes in a car and there is no decent local school. I live in a rural area and just don’t buy that at all.

I don't know anything about prep schools OP, but I do know that if I were driving three hours a day to and from my child's school iy would be an absolute thief of joy for me.

That's three hours of your day. That's beyond belief frankly. You say you are rural but I cannot believe there is no primary schooll within, say, a 10-minute drive. Think of that! You would free up two hours + a day to do - well, whatever. Maybe help your child with HW. read a book. Take up crochet. Do a fitness class. wow just think. You are important here too.

Also surely if the local primary were not good (and tbh it doesn't sound to me as tho the fee-paying prep is so wonderful) you would have plenty of money to pay for a tutor if needed, or lovely extra curricular activities? And time for those activities too. Give yourself a break and rethink is my advice.

I would be wary of prep schools where lots of the children have tutors. It can be a highly pressured environment where normal, bright students feel like they're failing. It can also mean the schools results while impressive on paper are actually just a result of work done at home.

Some 'academic' prep schools will also try to push out students who are 'only' average or not above average enough to elevate their results. A friend's child was at a pushy prep and constantly given the impression the school 'may not be the right enviornment' or 'might not be able to cater for his needs'. She was basically given the impression her son was quite far behind and required lots of support. Eventually she got an Ed psych report done. Her son came out within the top half of average across the board. She found a less pressured school and he's happy and thriving. Not saying this is necessarily the case for you of course. Just something to consider.