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Education

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Original poster

Real dilemma. Ds has told me he doesn't want to go to a grammar school...

56 replies

Blossomhill · 08/09/2007 11:48

Just gone into year 5 and we are having him tutored. He asked if his friend's will be going. I had to answer honestly and say probably not (obviously ds is a 50/50 atm too, who knows?). He got quite upset and said he wanted to go where his friends are going. What do I do?

OP posts:

hanaflower · 08/09/2007 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HonoriaGlossop · 08/09/2007 16:04

I agree that this should be a parental decision. It's not their responsibility; they don't and can't yet know the full facts or implications. It's an utter shame to allow them to settle for less, if YOU feel that the grammar would be best for them.

LittleBella · 08/09/2007 16:07

Choice of school has got to be a parental decision imo, a child of 11 simply isn't equipped with the maturity to understand the long term implications.

If he gets in to grammar, he'll make new friends there.

LittleBella · 08/09/2007 16:08

Oops, have practically posted exactly what HonoriaGlossop just said, sorry

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 08/09/2007 16:12

I am laughing at the breivty of my answer and that of Wicked Water Witch.

ursaferrugineusa · 08/09/2007 16:16

But it is entirely his choice whether he does his best in the exam - if he really doesn't want to go there's not a lot you can do.

Eddas · 08/09/2007 16:25

Have only read op, but I didn't want to go to Grammar. My 2 best friends weren't going but other friends were. My mum and dad didn't give me a choice. I had to go BUT it was best. I hated them for a while but now(at 28) i'm glad they made me go because I did better at school than I would have without going. IMO your ds will be better off.

But he could fail the 11+ on purpose. Is he that sort of child? Can you delay the conversation until you know IF he has passed? You can chose where you want him to go and what goes on the forms?

Carmenere · 08/09/2007 16:33

I'm in the same neighbourhood as you BH and I think you should do your damnedest to get him to go to the grammar. I so wish that dss had gone there as I think that John Fisher, where he did go cruises on an undeserved reputation and it seems to be the best of the state/religious schools in the area.
I think the JF really let dss down actually.

wheresmysuntan · 08/09/2007 16:38

Whilst I sympathise with the op I am also somewhat amazed at how many of you are lucky enough to still have the 'grammar' option when the majority of us have to make do with a far from satisfactory comprehensive system.

Eddas · 08/09/2007 16:42

just read the rest of the posts.

About being tutor and struggling. Well i had friends at Grammar that were borderline to get in (no 11+, we just got recommended/not recommended to go at 13). Their parents puched for them to go. They did absolutely fine. I think some children perform as well as they need to. My brother being prime example. Based on his performance in class his teacher said she wasn't sure IF he should take the 11+. Our parents really wanted him to as my sis and I had both been to Grammar schools. He did the test(and did a few practise bits at home with mum, the books you can buy) and he passed with flying colours. He got nearly fulll marks in both maths and english, smartarse

What i'm trying to say is that some children do bare minimum with things they don't enjoy. My brother passed his GCSE with normal grades(B&C's) got 2 B's and C for A lvels(I think) and this year narrowly missed a first with his degree(literally a couple of % off) so it just shows that even though his year 6 teacher wasn't sure he was that capable he does well at things he loves. He is now going on to do a Masters degree. I am a very proud big sis

and if you haven't gathered I am very pro Grammar even though I didn't want to go

LittleBella · 08/09/2007 16:47

wheresmysuntan believe me I don't feel lucky

I feel sick with worry whenever I think about it, that if my DS is one of the 80% of children in this area who doesn't get into the grammar, the only other alternatives are

a) the local sink school (not an option)
b) home education (oh shit) or
c) we move house. (probably the most likely option and probably miles away, because I'm already in the cheapest part of the south east, so there's nowhere left to go in the surrounding 300 miles that I can afford.)

evenhope · 08/09/2007 17:09

My DD was adamant she didn't want to go to grammar and we were equally adamant she was going. It wasn't until we took her to see the school and she spoke to the Head that she changed her mind. It can be something really stupid like (in her case) being told she would have to wear a skirt and not be allowed to play football (both untrue) that had put her off.

maddiemostmerry · 08/09/2007 17:19

Bh are you taking hin to look at the schools inthe next few weeks. IME you will probably find a school that is him be it selective or not.

We did not send our eldest to the school where most of his friends went to atthe time he was a bit sad but his only reason for wanting to attend the school was that his friends went there. We looked at the school again last year for ds2 and ds1 said he could now see why we didn't feel it was right for him. Ds1 made loads of new friends and still sees a lot of his old mates, remember at secondary age children become a lot more able to run their social life, use public transport etc.

Ds2 attends the local grammar, we only have one in our borough, I think you know where I am. He really wanted to go there. Only one other child from his school got in but one week in and he is making new friends already.

Ds3 & 4 may be different schools again but I know we will have a gut feeling about which school is right for them.

Have a look around together and then have a chat about what you are all looking for in a school that will be right for ds. What really struck us about the comp that ds1 attends was the respect shown between staff and children.

Good luck

sillysausages · 08/09/2007 17:24

bh - when i had this dilemma with ds some one one mumsnet said - you would not let your child choose what they eat, whne to go to bed etc... but for such an important decision as their education many parents let their dcs choose and like another poster said at 10 they lack the maturity and the knowledge that you have. Your ds should be involved in the decsion but at the end of the day i think you need to make the choice. Having visited many of the schools in this area their were only a couple i would not have been happy for ds to attend

Original poster

Blossomhill · 08/09/2007 17:26

ss ~ sorry I am getting forgetful in my old age
Do you live in my borough? I know someone did?

OP posts:

sillysausages · 08/09/2007 17:28

bh yes

MarcellusLadinium · 08/09/2007 17:33

As parents we tend to be better at seeing long term (note I said tend). DD1 wanted to go to the local comp with her friends. I knew that the girls school we'd seen would be better for her. She goes to the girls school (just started Y8) and is having a ball as well as getting an education and the grades she's capable of.

That's why we're the parents!

Christie · 08/09/2007 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Blossomhill · 08/09/2007 18:01

ss ~ my worst nightmare would be c b tbh. Although lots of people rave about it.
marcellus & Christie ~ very true. Infact Christie have been told to go for grammar for dd who has AS! She has a scientist brain I believe

OP posts:

RTKangaMummy · 08/09/2007 19:04

DS has just started year 8

He went to a school where he was completely alone BUT so were lots of the other boys BUT with boys from all different primary schools -

The children from his primary were spread out between 7 other schools

Some have stayed friends with the primary friends and others have dropped the primary friends for new ones. {WHICH has been upsetting for those that have been dumped for new friends} One boy decided he wanted nothing to do with any children from his primary school straight away, and dumped them all !!!!!!!

So IMHO and IME I would send him to the school YOU want but persuade him it is his choice iyswim

You know best.

I agree though don't tell him about the friends until after the 11+

sandyballs · 08/09/2007 19:20

I agree that it shouldn't really be his decision. At the end of the day you know what is best for him and his future.

Not quite the same i know, but I went to a secondary school that no-one from my primary school attended (C of E primary to Catholic covent), I remember being in tears on and off for weeks about it, absolutely hated the idea and hated my parents for making me do it. But I soon settled in and made friends, many of whom I am still in touch with today (aged 39!), and with the benefit of hindsight, probably got a slightly better education than the local comp at the time.

Hallgerda · 08/09/2007 19:32

I'm afraid you'll have to win the argument on this one. If your son has it in him to pass the exam, he'll be perfectly capable of working out he doesn't have to. DS1 sat next to someone at one of the tests who really didn't want to go to the school in question and clearly didn't try that hard on the day; it does happen.

Following your friends is a really bad reason for choosing a particular school - friends can grow apart over time. My DS1 knew nobody to start off with, and settled in fine. I'd concentrate your arguments on positive reasons to prefer the grammar school - is there a subject or sporting activity that your son particularly likes that could be turned to your advantage?

Hallgerda · 08/09/2007 19:33

Picking up on RTKM's point, you can't entirely suppress information about what his friends are doing. Children talk to each other.

RTKangaMummy · 08/09/2007 20:28

yes I wasn't thinking logically was I

But deffo agree with HG emphaise the positive about the one you want him to go to

WendyWeber · 08/09/2007 22:06

But if the school they want to go to is renowned for what they think they want to do (eg sport) at 11, you could come unstuck.

DS2 was dead keen on football at 10, and the school all his mates were going to has much better sport than the grammar school. At 14 he has now given up football except for fun (facing up to the fact that he's not as good as he'd have liked to be ) so if he'd insisted on going there - to the extent of deliberately failing the grammar exam, which as others have pointed out is easy for a bright kid - he would have been left with nothing much.

Try to talk to them about the other things that are important to their futures if you can

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