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Original poster

I'm NOT being unreasonable...am I?

34 replies

motherinferior · 14/09/2004 09:25

DD1 will be rising five this time next year. So we need to apply for schools by next March. And mindful of all the other parents who've been fully acquainted with all their local schools for about two years now, I've done a bit of research, we've visited three for a whistle-stop tour, and I want to see the heads of the two schools we've not met. Also we need to check out one or two others (especially the one our childminder picks up from).

DP thinks I'm being completely unreasonable for wanting to meet the heads (or someone equally senior). He feels that the quick whizz-round - one in the company of a school administrator, one with pupils - should be enough, and 'what would I want to ask anyway'. He's also utterly unsympathetic to my point that I'm not impressed with the school which is very reluctant to make an appointment (background - this is our most local school, not bad despite dreadful reputation - it's getting much much better); well, personally the statement that 'most parents are quite happy to look round and take a prospectus' rings slight alarm bells for me.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to become obsessed with this, but I do want a slightly better idea of the school which will shape the Inferiorettes' experience of education in general, dammit. And I don't just want to send them down the road if I'm not happy with the school down the road.

AND I can't find the wonderful thread Issymum posted about what I should ask the effing heads when I have eventually hooked up with them...

OP posts:
nikcola · 14/09/2004 09:36

no i dont think your being unreasnable mi , for what its worth i would o the same xxxxxx

LIZS · 14/09/2004 09:38

Does DP have to go too ? I visited two of our local infant schools, long before the usual prospective parents' visiting time because we were leaving the country, and on both occasions I had an appointment and was shown around by the Head. I felt that it was important to have some insight into their viewpoint on curriculum, discipline, parental input etc as they are ultimately responsible for what happens there. There is always the risk they will have left by the time your child starts though, so things could change.

Angeliz · 14/09/2004 09:43

well, i rang a few before i decided and i got one response where the secretary seemed incredulous(sp?) that i'd even asked to be sent a prospectus! That did put me off!
As for the head, what about a comprimise where you visit and get a feel for the place and chat to teachers, then if it's promising and you are interested, THEN have a chat with the head??

Gingerbear · 14/09/2004 09:44

MI, this website might help with what questions you should ask.
Good Schools Guide

misdee · 14/09/2004 09:45

we looked round 3 locals schools last week. each time we met the headteacher. the 1 was very enthusatic about his school and made us feel welcome. The 2nd one couldnt be bothered tbh, she was acting like we were taking too much of her time up and seemed very offish. The 3rd one made us feel very welcome, gave us a thorough tour of the school (infants and juniors) explained everything, gave us a brief history of the school etc etc.

I had questions regarding the school menu (dd1 has allergies), 1st school said we can have the option of hot meals or packed lunch on a daily basis if menu wasnt suitable for dd1. 2nd school said i could supervise her at lunchtime but all i wanted was a list of ingrediants (fair enough me supervising her, but if i dont now whats in it then how can it help?). 3rd school said they would take a picture and list her allergies in the kitchen so the cooks would know who she is and what isnt allowed. I could also go in with her at 1st as well.

DH came with me on each of these visits and we both felt the same about each school. we put 1st as a maybe, 2nd as a no, and we actually both loved the 3rd.

carla · 14/09/2004 09:51

MI, in dd's school it's the head that shows prospective parents round. And no, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

biketastic · 14/09/2004 09:54

I get worried thinking about this. I agree with you, you need to do whatever maks you feel comfortable when you send the little ones to school.
I find it strange that up till school time you are in total control of who looks after your kids. You pick a childminder or nursery, and if you are anything like me you visit every single one in the area before going back a few times before making the decision.
Then school; you have very little choice who teaches them once they are there, you have no idea who the teachers are and what they say to the kids.
It is the least you can do to make sure that you feel comfortable with the school. It is so important to the children that they feel safe and happy.
So, yes MI, you should go and meet the heads and look round the schools as much as it takes. If dh doesn't feel the need, well go without him, if he's like my dh he'll get over it!

Original poster
motherinferior · 14/09/2004 10:01

Oh thank you. To clarify: I'm going on my own to meet the heads, always was. It's just his whole attitude I find tedious, as I suspect it's indicative of many years to come.

I wasimpressed by the head who spared the time to show us round her school, I have to say.

OP posts:
secur · 14/09/2004 10:02

Message withdrawn

Blu · 14/09/2004 10:02

Hmmm, two points of view; 1. the school near us which has the best reputation and is the most competetive to get in, organises groups of parents to look round, and it is the head who leads those tours - but you do have to go within their schedule of times. 2. other schools arrange tours by the secretary or other staff, and i can see that for the children being educated in the school, the head and staff would get no teaching or school work done at all if they met every one of the hundred plus children who go on the waiting list every year individually.

I think the approach of school no 1. is part and parcel of why they are good.

secur · 14/09/2004 10:03

Message withdrawn

sis · 14/09/2004 10:29

I wish I had been as organised as you are, MI. I think it is fine to want to talk to the head before you decide whether your child should go to a particular school as he/she has a critical role in the school's approach to almost everything.

Do what you feel comfortable with, try and explain to your dp why you want to do it and if he still doesn't understand, I guess, it is a case having to accept that he has a very different perspective of the issue (but know that the court of mumsnet has decreed you to be in the right!).

roisin · 14/09/2004 10:42

I do agree with you to an extent ... I do firmly believe THE most important thing about a primary school is the Headteacher, especially if it's a larger school with a non-teaching Head. So if at all possible I would want to meet the Head personally.

When we were moving to the area and moving ds1 into school year which was already bulging at the seams in the town, the Head of a massively oversubscribed school with a waiting list was very happy to show us around, and show off her school. (Some schools were reluctant to find anyone to show us round!)

However, we are in a deprived area where parents rarely exercise choice, and so requests for individual tours are rare, especially as they do open days and group tours.

Issymum · 14/09/2004 11:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Original poster
motherinferior · 14/09/2004 11:05

I totally take your point, Roisin. I think the most local school, particularly in its grim years, took children mainly from families who were not, for whatever reason, in a position to feel up to parental choice.

But I am. And I really want my kids to be happy at school!

OP posts:
MeanBean · 14/09/2004 11:06

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. A headmistress is a really important figure in a school, and a teacher I know is convinced that a head teacher is the difference between a good and a bad school, irrespective of any other variables.

I agree that any school which will treat your child and family as individuals will make time to see you properly, not just give a one size fits all tour.

serenequeen · 14/09/2004 11:15

you are absolutely right in this, and your dp is wrong. and you're right about the inability to make the appointment being a bad sign, imo. when we've been to see local schools the ones with the best reputations/ofsteds/league table positions (ok, ok, i know those aren't everything) are also the ones which are most accessible to parents. i wouldn't send my child to a school without having met the head - the are the source of leadership and vision for the school as a whole.

berries · 14/09/2004 11:30

I agree with sq, I think the attitude of the head filters down throughout the school and so it is important to meet him/her. Our head will always show round any prospective parents and then sit for a chat with them. Reception has an intake of 60 & is always full so that's a lot of parents but he seems to make most parents feel he would love to have their children there(definately helps if you think you are wanted, & as I said, the school is oversubscribed so he doesn't need to do it) Top tip, try going this term as it's a lot easier to get an appointment.

Original poster
motherinferior · 14/09/2004 12:10

Well, I've just arranged to meet with two heads and have a phone chat with the one I've already met before.

School nearest us doesn't like you to visit till next term, FFS.

OP posts:
Sari · 14/09/2004 12:22

We were shown round our nearest school by the head and he probably spent about an hour with us. But our second nearest school (different borough) wouldn't even let us visit until we had been given a place there, ie they expected us to apply to a school that we had never even seen. If we were given a place we would then be able to go to an open day along with everyone else. On paper that school is meant to be the better of the two as well.

Ds1 is starting at the first of the two in January.

WideWebWitch · 14/09/2004 19:36

Hi MI, no time but will come back later but NO, you're NOT being unreasonable.

Twiglett · 14/09/2004 19:39

message withdrawn

firestorm · 14/09/2004 20:01

youre not being unreasonable at all. i certainly wouldnt send my child to a school where i hadnt met or felt comfortable with the head.
my dh is like yours unfortunately, he was utterly useless when it came to picking a school. got to do it all again soon too as we hope to be moving areas. i dread it to be honest.

Jimjams · 14/09/2004 20:02

I think its very important. The school we ended up sending ds1 to was the one where I was put straight through to the Head the first time I rang (without requesting it- so I was doubly impressed). I did meet the Head of my local school (and SENCO) but that took quite while to orgnanise.

stupidgirl · 14/09/2004 20:54

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable, it is a hugely important decision after all.