I'm NOT being unreasonable...am I?

[motherinferior]

DD1 will be rising five this time next year. So we need to apply for schools by next March. And mindful of all the other parents who've been fully acquainted with all their local schools for about two years now, I've done a bit of research, we've visited three for a whistle-stop tour, and I want to see the heads of the two schools we've not met. Also we need to check out one or two others (especially the one our childminder picks up from).

DP thinks I'm being completely unreasonable for wanting to meet the heads (or someone equally senior). He feels that the quick whizz-round - one in the company of a school administrator, one with pupils - should be enough, and 'what would I want to ask anyway'. He's also utterly unsympathetic to my point that I'm not impressed with the school which is very reluctant to make an appointment (background - this is our most local school, not bad despite dreadful reputation - it's getting much much better); well, personally the statement that 'most parents are quite happy to look round and take a prospectus' rings slight alarm bells for me.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to become obsessed with this, but I do want a slightly better idea of the school which will shape the Inferiorettes' experience of education in general, dammit. And I don't just want to send them down the road if I'm not happy with the school down the road.

AND I can't find the wonderful thread Issymum posted about what I should ask the effing heads when I have eventually hooked up with them...

I agree that you should be able to see the head if that is what you want to do. IME the leadership style of the head is a key factor in shaping the character of the school.

But if the school is a large one - say 100 children joining each year, then it would be more difficult for the head to fix individual appointments for all when asked. Perhaps this is a particularly busy time, being at the start of the school year. If you are given an appointment a few weeks in advance that would be understandable, I think.

Also, if a head teacher was avaiblable immediately on request, and then spent a couple of hours showing me round, I'd begin to wonder why they weren't more busy.

My son has attended three primary schools and each time I saw the head. I would have felt very uneasy if I hadn't had this contact. So I totally see where you are coming from motherinferior.

Thanks again. Interestingly, I bumped into a neighbour today who said the head at our most local school completely blanked her when she went to look round. I accept DP's point that maybe she's busy actually improving and working on the school but I am still unimpressed with the attitude of 'she can't possibly meet with you, not this term anyway' (and Tigermoth, I got that response when I actually visited the school last term too). I live and work round the corner and am perfectly prepared to fit in with the school's plans.

Of course, by the law of sod, we'll end up with that as our only option and I'll have talked myself into a deeply anti-school frame of mind and will influence my children and they'll be skiving off smoking cigarette stubs picked off the pavement and piercing their bellybuttons with safetypins by the time they're 13

Message withdrawn

MI I think its absolutely vital to meet the head; and I would go so far as to say that if you don't like the head, don't send your child to the school.

A bit late to this but absolutely agree meeting the head is a must. Maybe not 1-1 visits if they cannot manage these, but at very least, small tours with a chance to Q & A afterwards.
Round where we live, interestingly, the really high-flying state primaries were the ones that told us to take a hike (so oversubscribed they don't need to be polite, presumably).
One of the reasons why we sent ds to the independent school where he has ended up was that the previous and the current head are approachable, dynamic women who welcome parental input and expect to show parents round one to one. OK, so they're lucky to have the resources to do this, but it made a VERY big difference to me and I can really see where you're coming from, MI. I'm a bit surprised at your dp

MI of course you're being reasonable - at the end of the day there's a choice to be made and you need the input that you (as an individual choice-maker) need to make it. Some people might need other sorts of input - like league tables, or size of playground, or whether French is taught, or how long in general members of staff stay, I dunno; but if the input you need is a feel for who the driving personalities are, and how they work (including how approachable/available they are), then that is completely reasonable (let alone a thoroughly relevant bit of info).

We partly chose ds & dd's school cos when we met the head she said to me "you work THERE! Oh poor you my son did his training there and then left as soon as he could". I guess we sort of liked her faintly eccentric tactlessness - gave the impression we would always hear the real story about the kids. But it would not have suited everyone!

Just had a possibly slightly intrusive further thought which may or may not be off the point: is the tediousness of the attitude because it's all being put on your shoulders, with him not only being let off the hard work of choosing, but also allowing himself the lovely easy role of being dismissive of your efforts?

If you took the tack of asking him what his criteria (for choosing a school) would be, would you get an interesting answer?

The last school I worked at was really good - high quality of staffing and motivated pupils. The Head was an unbelievably busy man - never complained much but was first in and last out every day. In a bid to cope with time management problems (not disorganised just too much work) he stopped seeing prospective parents and pupils, leaving it up to the school bursar unless there were obvious issues such as a pupil who had been expelled from previous school.
If you really want to see them, perhaps wait a few weeks until the term has really settled down and they should have a little bit more time to spare. If you have until March, maybe even wait until after Christmas or ask the secretary when would be more appropriate time for an interview.
ps - maybe your DP is just unwilling to go through an interview with a school head - you would be amazed at how many adults are reluctant, feel threatened or are very nervous about doing this. Perhaps his brush off on the topic is to cover up his reluctance and not wanting to admit his real reasons.
hth (not trying to suggest you are unreasonable - just that the school might have genuine reasons for not wanting to see you and nothing to do with quality of staff) - I would want to see them as well!

sorry, I didn't come back to this last night MI but feel sure you will have been able to prove to DP that you're entirely reasonable I chose the school ds is at solely on the basis of an inspiring head who I really believed was improving the school etc etc. He left and I really did have to re-evaluate but the new head seems ok, if not quite as dynamic. The head makes all the difference, absolutely you should meet them, even if not one to one, you need to get an idea of what they're about and whether you think you respect them and their ideas.