Move to private school 45 mins away from family or state school next to family?

[GGxoxo]

DH and I are planning to move house asap and don't want to delay it much longer. We envision ourselves in the next house for 20+ years, and our top two priorities are good schools and being close to family (both of our families live nearby each other). Our first baby is due soon, and we hope for at least one more in the future. We are considering the following options:

1. An area 45 minutes away from both of our families which has a brilliant private school for ages 2-11, and amazing private schools for senior school. These private schools appear to be the best in the region, and we are fortunate that we will be able to afford it. There are also a number of grammar schools in this area however they are catchment based. Being 45 minutes away from family means family support will be limited, my parents will not be able to assist with the school run meaning our children will be in breakfast and after school clubs daily from 2 onwards, and that they will see our children not as often as if we lived closer to them.

1. Purchase a house close to my family to have the family support raising our children and assisting with the school run, and have our children go to the local state primary school (currently rated good, which I know means very little). There are no private schools in this area for primary/junior, however there is one for senior which our children could go to but, it's academic performance is often outperformed by a local grammar and it is not as highly sought after as the schools 45 minutes away. My concern with this option is that my nephew is currently at the local state primary school and he is not being pushed, and is in fact helping teach the other children as he is so advanced. I know this could also happen at the private school 45 minutes away, but I worry that going this route I would always wonder 'what if I sent them to the private, would they have excelled more'? Whereas if if send them to the private and they don't excel, I would feel content knowing I did my best.

Having never had children before, do I choose what I perceive to be better education over family support or vice versa?

marianovelli I am presuming if they are then no longer charities they will be able to run themselves like businesses - and will no longer have to give bursaries which we are in receipt of. Hopefully they will honour ours whatever happens.

I do hope if Labour do this they will also address things such as the 614 shortfall in secondary places that already exists in my borough - if a load of kids end up leaving the private schools (which they will, because despite what Corbyn seems to think, a lot of parents simply won't be able to afford the fees anymore) that shortfall is only going to get bigger.

I presume as he's actually magic, the 20% VAt will magically mean state schools will become havens of great behaviour, with hundreds more teachers and brilliant facilities.

You use the word 'excel' a lot. What do you mean by this? Get good exam results? There's more to growing up and childhood than academic achievement, and I think being closer to family contributes to this. Family are way more important to children than what kind of school they go to.

Family are way more important to children than what kind of school they go to

if by that you mean proximity to family, rather than coming from a supportive, educated family, then I don't agree at all and can only assume you have very young children.

When your dcs are 11 the kind of school they go to is hugely hugely important. Having granny around is far less influential.

Yes but Fazackerley these kids aren't even BORN yet.

Can you not stay in the area and send them to the private school anyway? 45 mins journey is a pain but manageable.

We live rurally so although one child’s state school is about 15 mins away they go on the school bus which means a journey of at least 40 mins as it has to go through all the villages.

Second child is at a private school, and the same applies. In fact what you will find at a private school is that as there is no catchment limitation there will be lots of people travelling from quite a distance. Made play dates etc a pain, but everyone was used to it.

nothing wrong with thinking about all this in advance. We didn't and we are now potentially up shit creek, secondaries-wise.

Yeah my dsis didnt think abiut it either, in fact i remeber her getting very shirty when i mentioned it. It became a real pribelm and she's had to end up moving miles and miles away

Stay local. Although we don't have support, DD will be going to a local state school and then travelling to a private high school when she's 11 - there is a bus that runs from our house and takes around 45 minutes, it's not the unusual for private school pupils.

Fazakerley But there's a world of difference between thinking about secondary school and thinking about secondary school before a potential child is even born ...
If OP moves next door to the best secondary school in the country, there is no saying it will still be that way in 11 years time.

I would go for family support. It’s far too early to consider what school will benefit your child best yet. That’s not to say I’d move to a place where the schools were known to be dire, but it doesn’t sound like either set of circumstances would lead to that being the case. You just don’t know how your child is going to develop and whilst I hope your children turn out like your nephew most kids aren’t that advanced and are average, or in the case of children like my youngest son, have developmental issues where you have to revise your expectations altogether about what will constitute a “good” education for them.

I think it's nice to have family support in the early days but I would also want the best schools possible for my children.

You might also want to check how much regular help your family might be willing to offer. Morning school drop offs for a number of years seem to be a lot to ask for...

If your worried about your children being in clubs before and after school all the time, then you could consider a nanny to allow your children to spend more time at home doing their own things. If both of you have demanding careers, you will probably need a nanny anyway as little children do catch bug very often and miss nursery/pre-school.

And of course you don't even need to be a qualified teacher to teach in the private sector. Stick with the LA maintained and not academy as you don't have to be a qualified teacher to teach their either

OP I've name changed because there are a lot of personal details to follow! But this struck a chord with me. You sound exactly the sort of person I was when I was expecting my first - a planner at heart. 7 years on here is a list of things I could never have known of predicted:

*that my son wouldn't be academic at all - my husband and I are both academics, both with higher degrees but
*DS would be behind in every stage of development before starting school
And then
*that in reception he would catchup to his peers in a giant leap! Settling into a comfortable position in exactly the middle of the classroom - average in every way and enjoy school so much
*that as his reception year came to an end we would, for unavoidable external reasons be forced to move 100miles away
*that the new area would be a fully grammar school area (not a good thing if you have an academically average child). Leading me to worry about the quality of local comprehensives when my child was only 5 years old (they are all ofsted poor)
*that not only would DS take the move to new school in his stride he would continue to improve academically, rising above average slowly and steadily - heading into 'could attend a grammar' levels
*that a financial windfall would mean private schooling is within our grasp - and that this would happen after the worries about grammars and after DSs steady academic rise!
*that our second child would be born with significant additional needs and won't be attending mainstream schools, state or otherwise.

That's just a list of what happened to us, just as an example of why worrying about these things now is futile. Find a home you love that works for now and the next few years.

BTW our life is great! Many of the things above turned out to be Very Good Things - just unexpected...

I think you can't plan this until your child is at least 3/4 years old. You will learn so much from others with kids once you become a parent that your views may totally change. You may not enjoy the experience. You may choose to only have one child. You may decide to have three and no longer afford fees. You may decide that you want your child to go to school with all their local friends. You haven't actually visited the schools I assume. You may visit and hate the prep schools. You may love the state schools.
You may decide that you really want to go part time and pick up your child at 3.30pm every day. Your child may cry every day at being put into breakfast and afterschool when all their friends aren't.
Stay local and think about it again in a few years.

I also have a friend who suffered really bad PND and soon realised that family on her doorstep trumped everything else. We have no family any where us but due to our local state school, have a massive network of extended 'school family'. Kids are forever round friends houses, all go to local clubs, car share, help each other out etc. Worth everything to me

Late to this but I would make plans around DH and me and try to forget the idea of family support just now.

Work out what you could do if you had no family close by - school hours and accessibility to breakfast/after school/holiday clubs. Where do you both work? What flexibility do you have for unexpected days off due to illness?

Family may help out however many people think that they will get support but it doesn't always work that way. If family are 45 minutes away they may still be able to help with school holidays or sickness. I would aim to be as self-reliant as possible.

Thanks all for your comments.

NeverKnewINeverKnew your comment stood out to me the most. I am such a planner at heart, I plan far too much as I am such a perfectionist. My feeling is that I accept the things out of my control such as if my children are not academic etc. What I can’t accept is poor choices made by me regarding things in my control. So I feel that ultimately I will be determining the quality of the education my children receive, based on where we choose to buy our next house. That being said, I accept that the standards of these schools may well drop in the future, but again this is out of my control.

Because we are looking to move very soon, and don’t intend to move again until retirement age, I just don’t want to regret my decision. So ultimately I can only do what I feel is best, and then whatever the outcome I hope I won’t have any regrets as I did the best I could!

Because we are looking to move very soon, and don’t intend to move again until retirement age

I know very few people who stay in the same property from before DC to when they leave home simply down to the fact that most cannot afford their "forever" home at that point in their life.

What happens when you get an opportunity to progress either of your careers significantly which involved relocation? Would you seriously limit yourself geographically and turn down a promotion/payrise/job abroad?

Save your money for the secondary stage if you feel you need it when the time comes. Family support IF you stay in the area is invaluable for the early years. There is nothing wrong with state primary or indeed state secondaries - there is too much hype about private education from preschool upwards. Schools can change with the departure/entrance of an inspirational head - as simple as that.
Yes, resources are spread thinly and it certainly shows at the secondary stage imo so I would save your funds for that.

I’d move near parents AND choose private school, best of both worlds surely?

Oh yeah, regarding parental support, among the other things that I didn't predict happing were that my lovely mum would need suddenly to provide so much care for my grandmother, leaving her unable to help with childcare despite wanting to (luckily we didn't need it) and then, a few years down the line her vision would suddenly deteriorate so she would be unable to drive, even when she could help us out. It sucks for planners like us but you just can't control the variables - is that private school best for your child? Until your child is here and AT LEAST 3 years old, preferably 4 years - no one could say.

But you can't make the best decision for you DCs education until you know what needs your DCs have. As said before, what is the 'best' school on paper (be that results, or whatever else you are measuring it on) may not be the 'best' for your individual child. You cannot make these decisions now.

Do what is best for your current situation, and accept that you may have to change things in the future. Children aren't predictable. it is not possible to plan that far ahead. It is often not possible to plan to the end of the week!

We bought our forever home when I was pregnant and we intend to stay here until old age so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to think things though. We looked at ofsted reports for primary and nurseries before moving but hadn’t fully researched secondaries. I don’t think it would have changed our mind but there are some unexpected things we’ve already found out.

1. our outstanding primary and nursery were both downgraded to good just after we moved. We’re still very happy with the nursery and everyone still loves the school so no-one seems that bothered by the re-grading. In both cases, the things that were flagged weren’t that important. However, it shows that things can change.

2. state secondaries could be a problem because of shrinking catchments. If we had a child that age now, we’d probably get a school that has a poor reputation. That’s fine as we can hopefully pay for private secondary. However, if we had a boy, there would be less choice at our budget and the only private option would be a super selective academic school with no guarantees of entrance.

We have very little flex re nursery pick-ups and family close-by to help in an emergency would have been amazing. However, that only works if that family is retired, works school hours or is happy to take time off. If you don’t have that then 45 minutes won’t make a difference.

We are just trying to get our head around how hard school will be compared to nursery and I’m panicking about logistics. If we could afford it, private primary would be easier for us as you’re effectively getting nursery hours with good wrap-around care. If we could afford it, I’d have no doubt about going for one of our local prep schools. We can’t afford it but I wish we could.

I’ve chosen to travel a similar distance for independent primary school. It’s a headache and will involve my younger child being in nursery more so they can avoid travelling so far every day... however, it’s a superb school and, in my opinion, my children will have a significantly better standard of education. He’s worth the commitment for us. We found thinking, “What do I want my child’s achievement (personal and academic) to look like in 10 treats?” really helpful in deciding what our priorities are.