Private School Newbie - am I doing the right thing?

[Booklover18]

Just after some reassurance I suppose. We have decided to send our youngest to private school, he starts Reception in September. I am concerned after reading lots of threads on here that we have taken on more than we realise. We are not rich, by a LONG way, but can manage the fees by saving constantly and cutting back. When he starts I will have two terms saved, and the plan is that we are always two terms in advance. So by Christmas I will have saved the last term's fees for Reception, then in January I start saving for Yr 1. And So On. I suppose my question is - how do others manage? Is everyone I meet going to be rich and we will be the poor relations? Is it true that they will always be asking for extra's? And is it common that the fees go up every year?
I know we've taken on a lot, and we are hoping that things will get easier, but no one else I know sends their kids private and I am embarrassed to ask too many questions at school in case it's obvious that we can only just afford it. Thanks for any insight.

At our school

In terms of everyone else’s opinion, this will require a second skin and quite possibly a few revaluations.
You are likely to make lots of new friends, and your old friends will be happy for you and your son. You will
soon see the wheat from the chaff so to speak. Those that are persistently rude or negative are not really your friends. Use it as a helpful gauge.
Ultimately you have school cliques everywhere so this shouldn’t worry you.
I found some truly amazing inspirational friends during my dc school lives. Be genuine and open hearted and you won’t go far wrong.
Work towards the uplift you hope for in your finances and enjoy!

Thankyou everyone! I’ve done secondhand uniform already up to now - the lady in the uniform shop has been most helpful and said that most who rush in and buy new from day one are the first to be back for secondhand the following year!! I really appreciate all your comments, as I am moving into a new circle of society I was just concerned whether it would be noticed and I don’t want my son to be singled out in anyway. As I say every spare penny will be going towards this educational journey, but from your comments it reassures me that it’s worth it and as long as he’s happy and enjoys school that all that matters to us 👍 I have been reassured there are others like me who have obviously pushed the limits to get their children the best start, and just hope I’m not the only one in September!! Thanks!!

We do it by budgeting to the nth degree. We’ve a year of fees saved up, plus make monthly deposits for the following year Ito a specific rindfenced account. We only take vacation if we can wangle something affordable. We also only buy second hand uniform unless simply now possible.

It can be done.

We have a mix of parents - as someone else said, some are nice, some are...not. We’ve got kids funded by grandparents, one child with three adult combining funds to pay, etc. A merry mix.

@Booklover18 where in the country are you and are those fees standard for your area? £9K per year would be extremely cheap for most of SE England, if it's much cheaper than anywhere else, particularly if class sizes are small, then do your homework into the financial stability of the school.

Laptopdisaster, you must be closer to London than me. 9k is standard in my part of the south east.

Though agree with your point about checking the financial stability of the school

Haven't read through all the replies so not sure if this has already been mentioned but at our DC school 20% of the places are kids on scholarships. So not everyone is super rich.

laptopdisaster - I am in the West midlands - 9k is for yr 1/2 then it goes up to 13k for yr 3 upwards - although that’s this years fees so I know this will increase in time. It is more expensive than others in the county, but the only one local to us and has a good reputation so we are happy with the choice. It is only a primary school, the secondary feeder is more expensive and we know already that unless we have a lottery win or a scholarship we can’t manage that! I had seen on here some threads that implied there are a lot more costs involved once you were in the system, and it got me worried as we are pushing every boundary to even manage fees so I wanted some reassurance that I was doing the right thing really! We are prepared for sacrifices, but all the cars in the car park are big new 4x4 or the like and we are not and I am worried about the social aspect, being seen as the obvious poor relation as it were!

Oh and there are two reception classes, one has 14 in class and other has 15 in class - they are capped at 20 max.

My DS just did 2 years at private prep school after doing the rest in a state primary.

Our car was definitely amongst the worst in the car park, but I didn't care! There were other 'normal' cars somewhere in there too, but yes the majority were much newer cars. But having said that, our car is usually the worst of any of our friends anyway as we always buy cheap used cars and don't do that monthly car finance thing (never have). So it wasn't as if all the cars at the prep school were super duper expensive ones.

Most of the other parents seemed fairly down to earth, middle class people with good jobs types, I didn't encounter any proper posh folk. There's one couple who look a bit like celebrities and have a ferrari but they are the exception not the rule.

I've met some lovely mums and most of them are down to earth, all just wanting to give their kids best chance at 11+ grammar entry.

I agree with other posters saying make sure they prepare them for 11+ exams - we foolishly chose a school that didn't do this and then my DS had too much homework from the school combined with the extra tutoring we were doing. If we'd have picked another school where 11+ prep was included at school I think he'd have stood a better chance.

I went to a private secondary school but a state primary. I think this is the better way to do it to be honest. What are you going to go if all his pals are going to the private secondary? My folks couldn't have afforded to do both either.

Spoons and forks - thanks I will check about the 11+, although looking at where the yr 6’s went this year about half went up to the linked secondary private (and about half of those were on scholarships) then the other half seemed to be grammar and a couple went to state. So I think the school is used to some going to grammar and I would hope prepare the kids for that. But I’ll check as I was sort of taking it for granted!
Ginger1982 - unfortunately we don’t have much choice at the present time as we can’t afford secondary private. The local schools are very poor so it was more about trying to give him the best start/foundation. There is a natural break going up to secondary where kids make new friends anyway so we are not concerned about that side of things at the moment 😀

I know a few parents in your position. Most of them found good state primaries and then went private for secondary. I'm thinking of one in particular who got a large bursary. She struggles I am afraid, other pupils are very wealthy and there's no way the family can keep up. I don't think they regret her being there but it causes a lot of heartache and year 8 was particularly difficult for her.

Yeah definitely check - loads of the kids at DSs prep leave at end of year 6 (the school goes up to year 8), loads go to the grammar, but still they don't offer the preparation for the 11+ exam.

Whereas another private school I found out about afterwards offers the tuition for the 11+ papers within school time.

Our main issue wasn't the money on extra tutoring, it was the fact that our DS had too much homework and he was worried about being told off at the prep school for not doing their work, so he wouldn't do the 11+ work.

And now he didn't pass the 11+ after being kind of spoiled at private school (small class sizes) I'm feeling VERY VERY arrghghghgg about him going back into the state system this September (considering staying private which will cost me a fortune).

I think once you've seen what private offers it's difficult to go back into state, so prepare in advance for that!

Yes I would second that re starting at private and going into state/grammercat secondary. It’s really hard to have had that lovely experience and then not so much. Also in every one of our cohort of reception starters everyone who said they would do grammar ended up staying in the private sector.
I think the most important thing is to be yourself and be ok with who you are I had a couple of friends who left after pre prep because they couldn’t deal with the disparity of what they had compared with the child’s friends it can be hard to see conspicuous wealth day in day out in my experience. Now my son is public school it’s almost much easier because I’m less involved and there are a lot of Asian children whose wealth is of the charts plus you don’t see how they live day to day as they are at school

Wonderful decision OP and I applaud you for the sacrifices you're making to send your DS to private school. Just to echo what others have said, you absolutely won't be the "poor parents" at the school, you will find many parents making sacrifices to send their DC to private school - no holidays etc., and a surprising number of pupils will have their fees paid for by their grandparents. I went to private school right through to secondary and my best friends grandparents were paying for her schooling as mum and dad struggled. I came from a single-parent household and my mum sometimes struggled to stump up the money but she always found a way.

Also most things will be included in the fees. Extras will be music tuition/lessons or optional school trips abroad like skiing. But these will be at discounted rates. As an example DSS went to Italy on a food tour with school and it cost £600 for 4 days which I thought was quite reasonable.

I wonder if later down the line and you're struggling whether you could apply for a bursary?

Also, is this a private school in London? (I'm just being nosey! We will be sending DD and 'bump' to private school in London).

Thankyou for your kind words emoji - I’m hoping lots will be included, and what extras I can’t afford just won’t be done, simple as that! It’s not London, by the way, that really would be out of reach for me! 😂😂

The website should make it clear whether lunches, swimming, curriculum trips, books, extended day care etc are included or not.

Wise words Parsley1234, you are right, just be myself and happy with who we are - thank you that’s what I intend to do - hopefully all will go well and my son will have a positive happy experience 😀

Make sure you make use of the second hand clothing, there is far less of a stigma using this than their seems to be in state schools. Also no-one bats an eyelid if you buy your child a blazer that is so huge they grow into it for a couple of years, then get a couple more years of squeezing into it. I teach one year 7 boy, about to go into year 8, who is shoehorning himself into his blazer than was bought for the start of year 3! If he shoots up in the summer it will work no more, it’s tiny!

Lots of people struggle with fees, I have friends who go in and beg for delayed payment about once a year, you'd never think that from looking at them iyswim

As to people being defensive: I made sure I never said anything negative about the local state school, I also did not defend my choice or wax lyrical about the facilities and sport.

The less you explain and defend, the better!.

By the way, our kids went from private to state at the end of y6

The transition was not difficult, partly because we live in an unusual area where the state schools (comps) are better than the private options (obv. This is up for debate! As it is everywhere) and there is lots of movement between the sectors.

PiL offered to pay for secondary private, but we liked the State options better.

You can make that decision further down the line, keep your options open

We moved out of our immediate social circle and sent our DDs to Private schools, one from the age of 7 and the other from the age of 11. These decisions were based on the quality of our local primary which was on the slide. DD1 had the best teachers but they left and the Head was useless. I didn’t want to wait around for the big problems looming on the horizon for DD2. We paid out of earned income. We eventually had two at boarding school, so it wasn’t cheap. Boarding suited DD1 more then the local grammar. DD2 wasn’t going to get to the grammar!

If people cannot respect you for your choices and drop you, they are not real friends. They subscribe to a class system where no one gets above their station in life. My MIL said I was uppity and above my station. My Dad and uncles and aunts had a Private education so I felt I could make decisions that suited my children.

However, at our prep and senior school I wasn’t aware of anyone scraping the fees together at the time. No old bangers either. The slightly older cars were driven by the nannies. If it’s a very expensive school it tends to put off those that scrape the fees together.

However, at the senior school, I discovered later, some parents had owed money for years whilst still getting new cars and apparently having good jobs. I have to say the wealthiest had drivers, new Range Rovers and certainly were rather snooty in some cases. The guy with the new Rolls Royce was friendly though. I came to the conclusion that many people are tribal and know each other through work and connections, eg they shoot together or play polo together. So they are not going to be your best buddies, probably. The secret is to keep your powder dry about money and see who is friendly and wants friendship. Sometimes parents all know each other and don’t want anyone else. Others are friendly, especially at prep, and it’s easier to make friends because you will have a pta and some people will be seeking friends for their children. The upper class (and those that think they are) don’t, by and large, because they already have their own set and they are tight knit. They will control what friends their children make should you come across them. Your kid wouldn’t play with Harry and Charlottes of this world for example. Play is highly orchestrated by some parents.

However at a fairly straightforward prep, parents are straightforward too. Yes, some will have money, but others won’t. The ones in it for the long haul will have funds (probably) to enable this to happen, but others will see the grammar as the prize. The big problem comes if you don’t get the grammar.

Having less money isn’t a problem, provided you can manage the fees - there are all sorts and all levels of finance. Lots of people only manage because they have help from parents, for example.

Crucial that you have chosen a school that only goes to year 6 or is to year 8 that it prepares for 11+, preferably feeding grammars if your local grammars rest in September as most independents test in Jan, although that isn’t a deal breaker. Comments up thread about independents not preparing for 11+ grammars are not correct - it depends where you are. For instance in much of Kent the primary independent sector is much larger than the secondary because Of the move to grammar, and the secondary market is focussed on the less academic end. If you have chosen a through school ie through to 18 you need to move by year 2, year 3 latest as they will have a deliberately non-aligned curriculum.
Please don’t buy any more uniform until you have found about second hand. I would be astonished if they don’t have a second hand sale and you should aim to get most of the uniform there. My boys have always worn mostly secondhand and I can perfectly well afford to buy new, but why would I. When I helped run the second hand at our pre-prep new parents’ orientation day we tended to laughingly judge the new intake by their enthusiasm - the cohorts who distained second hand were rare and always the least likeminded and academically focussed!