Primary school (reception) dilemma

[SolWave]

My bright but anxious son is moving from his primary school into a top private school after a difficult year one. The year was made difficult by his class and headteacher who were unable to offer support since at School his performance was excellent. I eventually organised private therapy outside of school but within school hours which I thought had been authorised, until 6 weeks into therapy (me having updated school every week) I was informed it was unauthorised and had to stop. His reception teacher had been brilliant.

My daughter is due to start in September with the same brilliant reception teacher. I have therefore no concerns about reception year. But I have lost faith entirely in the leadership team (some other parents moving their children elsewhere further up the school too). There is another local school, smaller and a weaker reception teacher, but overall has a more caring ethos.

Do I send her to the brilliant reception teacher with the worry that ks1 might be difficult (we can’t afford to move her into private until at least year 3) or send her to the more caring school with weaker reception teacher? Class sizes are 27 at bigger school; 13 at smaller school.

My daughter is more straightforward than my son (I have a younger son too to consider in due course). But she will be exhausted next term and I will need to keep her off some days. She’s a summer born so not strictly a problem in reception.

Her best friend is going to the smaller school although I don’t know her parents; I have lots of friends at the bigger school. I am leaning towards the brilliant reception teacher at the bigger school but worried about year one at that school.

I am sure @LadyPeacock we do project some anxiety onto our children. Anxiety runs in the family. But how much is nature and how much is nurture? It is a vicious circle in that if DS is anxious, we do worry, and he becomes more anxious if we show weakness. But I would certainly never allow a day off school for a mild grumble etc. It has to be a full blown genuine meltdown (fortunately rare these days). There doesn’t seem much scope in the system for children who hold it together for the school day and collapse (in a big way) out of school. DS has improved so much but in reception we struggled to cope with his behaviour at home.

Mayb the whole family needs counselling in that case? This doesn’t sound normal to me.

You believe that up to 5, as school isn't compulsory, it is fine to pick and choose when they go. I just wonder whether this has set your son up with the impression that if he can demonstrate to you that he isn't coping with school, you will let him off? Perhaps make school totally non-negotiable for six months and see if it makes any difference?

I am a specialist teacher for children with very high functioning autism. Super bright children in many cases. The majority of them don't sleep, but their parents have them in school by hook or by crook. It's not the best solution for them if you pick and choose when they attend. You are working towards a long term outcome of them being able to hold down full time employment- even if they are anxious/ haven't slept etc. See it as an opportunity to begin to learn coping strategies for anxiety and lack of sleep.

I fully get the 'hold it together at school, meltdown at home' scenario, but I think you need to work with the school to let off some of the steam during the day rather than make school essentially optional based on behaviour. That way problems lie.

Thank you @LadyPeacock that is really helpful and I was trying to work with school. His assessment identified mild sensory difficulties but School was unable to help at all because he appeared to cope so well in school. (We sent in the full report.) As parents we didn’t know what to do, particularly with our first child and first experience of school, and having someone as knowledgeable as yourself would have really benefitted us all. As I mentioned we had sought some counselling and he was identified as highly sensitive and that was very helpful input.

We didn’t have the report until autumn of year one so in reception we were just doing what we thought best, even if - from lack of knowledge on our part - was incorrect. He has not had any time off since Easter.