Primary school (reception) dilemma

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My bright but anxious son is moving from his primary school into a top private school after a difficult year one. The year was made difficult by his class and headteacher who were unable to offer support since at School his performance was excellent. I eventually organised private therapy outside of school but within school hours which I thought had been authorised, until 6 weeks into therapy (me having updated school every week) I was informed it was unauthorised and had to stop. His reception teacher had been brilliant.

My daughter is due to start in September with the same brilliant reception teacher. I have therefore no concerns about reception year. But I have lost faith entirely in the leadership team (some other parents moving their children elsewhere further up the school too). There is another local school, smaller and a weaker reception teacher, but overall has a more caring ethos.

Do I send her to the brilliant reception teacher with the worry that ks1 might be difficult (we can’t afford to move her into private until at least year 3) or send her to the more caring school with weaker reception teacher? Class sizes are 27 at bigger school; 13 at smaller school.

My daughter is more straightforward than my son (I have a younger son too to consider in due course). But she will be exhausted next term and I will need to keep her off some days. She’s a summer born so not strictly a problem in reception.

Her best friend is going to the smaller school although I don’t know her parents; I have lots of friends at the bigger school. I am leaning towards the brilliant reception teacher at the bigger school but worried about year one at that school.

For the poster with summer born twins. Ds would have been much better with a twin. He often wished for a twin so he wasn’t on his own. Every child is different. He had a new brother at home following at traumatic early birth (pre eclampsia and hellp) 4 weeks before term started and he had a cancer scare and surely the previous term. By the end of reception he was fairly settled but for year one they combined classes and he struggled sitting through all the phonics he already knew (and because he was already above average in maths wasn’t given help when he was stuck)

He doesn't even need to be in school until 5.

The child with the attendance issue has already had a 'terrible' year 1, so must by now be at least only six weeks off his sixth birthday, if not already 6. Well past the point at which it is the parents' responsibility to ensure that their child is receiving a full time education, in school or otherwise, as the law says. The OP has opted to request that the child is educated in school, rather than instigating home ed - but has thwarted the school's effort to provide said full time education by regularly keeping him away from school.

In countries where the children don't start formal education until later than here, I think they tend to do lots of activity based socialising stuff, don't they? Not lying around 'feeling tired' for hours on end.

That's a very good point, if he is 5 the op has a legal responsibility to send him to school.

He has attended school full time in year one apart from the missed sessions for his therapy appointments. Please rtft.

(The therapy appointments initially authorised by the school then unauthorised without informing us until we hit the low attendance mark.)

www.edgarpsychological.com/blog/missing-school-to-attend-therapy

(An article I found this morning.)

My concern isn’t really about flexi in reception. It is about a school’s attitude to mental health and communication with parents.

On what basis is the Reception teacher weaker? Surely Reception is largely about learning through play - it's not like they get definitive results to point to. Plus every class will be different.

Personally I'd take it a year at a time, teachers move, and whereas a teacher might not click altogether with one child they may do with another. They are only human!

"However, between the time demands of school, extracurricular activities, and family commitments it can seem impossible to find time to attend therapy"

And yet the article seemed to imply out of all those that school was the best thing to miss. I would have thought that a child who was anxious would prefer to keep to a routine.

Taking it year by year though would be the stronger reception teacher (masses of experience, music coordinator, she taught ds and was fantastic) but School with a weaker attitude to mental health etc. Than caused us problems in year one. The weaker reception teacher is newly qualified. Trained in New Zealand. She’s not very confident at the moment but has a small class and will probably grow in confidence.

I agree School is not ideal to miss but appointments are few and far between. After a long day at school my ideal is to get children home to rest not drive half an hour to therapy. Given ds was learnin little at school I didn’t see missing a couple of hours as a problem and I always asked for work to be sent home (which we did if received)

Summer borns can delay and enter in reception on delayed entry now.

I think school has been bad about communication re therapy but I don't think from your op you have given the school much respect. Did school request ds did part time in reception or you just tell them? Legally they don't have to be in age 4 however once you join a school you are obliged to follow their policies.

I would probably send dd to a different school as too many bridges have been burnt on both sides.

We were not allowed part time in reception and we simply did as we saw fit given the state ds would get himself in so I think it’s unfair to say we lacked respect. I worked very closely with the reception teacher that year and built a strong relationship. I have spoken to another parent today who is moving her oldest and says the headteacher might well be on her way out soon due to complaints so clearly it’s not just our experience. It’s a troubled school so we will stay clear.

(As in we varied the day he was off given a regular day was not allowed. Most weeks he had a day off but I tried to only allow one day per week.) unlike many in his class, no holidays or days off for other reasons in reception.

It's fine to move schools, you seem to have trust in the one your son attended and that is enough reason to leave.

But honestly I think you are going to start at the "caring" smaller school picking holes in the "weaker" reception teacher. Plus do be clear at this point the funding for undersubscribed schools will be having an impact. My children go to a lovely but undersubscribed school and lack of funds makes life bloody hard on the teachers and staff.-- it's where PTA's really show their worth having to raise for glue sticks and blackboards.--

That should have said lost trust!

Thank you @notonthestairs for your balanced response. In reception what I would really like for her is some friendships and to learn what is on the curriculum. We can teach her outside of school too. The little School has a recently funded heating system for their swim pool so doesn’t seem too poorly off. Although inside the school a bit shabby.

Perhaps in hindsight we should have applied to delay ds’ reception year (although I’m not sure whether that was possible when we applied for schools). Academically he was very ready which was why I was keen to go ahead. It seems sad that for bright kids there is little support if they are holding it together at school and collapsing at home. Children struggling with the curriculum have received a lot of attention from the class teacher and TA but those who are average or above have often been left to work alone, even if that has meant not making much progress in class.

Send her to the smaller school as you are clearly unhappy with other school.

Also choosing a school on the basis of the reception teacher is not wise as teachers can move, etc. At all schools the quality of the teachers vary and dc response to teachers varies too. Your dd may love the weaker reception teacher and do brilliantly with the small class size.

We’ve applied to the smaller school for the reasons you mention @QGMum

You say that your GP was disinterested. To clarify - did the GP refer your son for therapy or is it something you did yourself as you felt it was what he needed? Not saying that’s wrong but if not GP referred then it might explain the attendance issue with your son’s school.

I also feel that you shouldn’t decide on what your daughter may or may not be able to cope with until she’s actually there. Some children are beyond exhausted and need a nap still but at our school, the one or two that do head to the nursery quiet room for an hour and then return to the classroom. It’s also preferable to get guidance from the school and how they handle over-tiredness. Some schools are actually very flexible on letting children leave at lunchtime one or two days a week. Most schools would prefer this than the parent to take one or two days off as they choose.

Hi @Zodlebud. DS was fine at school so School wouldn’t refer him. GP would only refer if problems at School. The larger school won’t allow a regular afternoon off even under CSA. I looked into that. I do feel given experience at a lovely nursery that DD will be extremely tired and there are repercussions at home. she doesn’t suffer from anxiety, but severe constipation when over tired/stressed (probably due to antibiotics at birth for neonatal meningitis; at times has received treatment). But we will start full time and see how she copes. We have applied for the smaller school. As I’ve mentioned there are a lot of families moving children from the larger school. It’s unusual for that to be the case (I’m told by families who have had children there for a long time).

Do you think you are very anxious about your children's wellbeing?

It is really unusual to keep a Reception child off a day or more a week- it's just not a decision many families at all make. In fact a number of your posts make you sound unusually worried about your children.

Do you think your children having been poorly may be giving you a coloured impression of how robust they are?

I also wonder if you are unconsciously giving them the message that if they seem tired/ grumpy school won't be necessary? My August born, bright but anxious DS would cheerfully take a day a week off if it was an option, and he would pull whatever circus tricks he thought would work. When he found out he could take himself to Matron at his Prep I was getting at least weekly phone calls to say he was on his deathbed for a while- until I told him I wouldn't be picking him up and if he was poorly he could just stay in sick bay.

I wonder if you would benefit from some counselling about the occasions when your children have been ill?

Hi @LadyPeacock I know many families who keep their children off in reception and chose their school based on that being a possibility. A private school here only has them in two afternoons per week. So perhaps in other parts of the country/cities it is variable. I disagree therefore that it’s really unusual. DS was waking regularly at 4am because he couldn’t switch his brain off in the early morning. Naturally he was exhausted by 7am and there were only so many days that he could continue at that level of exhaustion. Perhaps some parents would send the child in regardless but given he was under CSA and I was at home at the time, it seemed kinder and sensible to give him a rest day every now and again in reception. It made life better for the whole family. Several of my friends have delayed their summer borns so like I said, perhaps attitudes vary in different parts of the country? I also know a family whose summer born is repeating reception because they don’t feel he’s ready for year one yet. It sounds like your August born is a fairly robust child (DS2 is August and he is clearly much more chilled and robust than DS1, so a lot of it is personality). I live in a part of the country where education is taken very seriously so im sure that has an affect too!

We’ve had counselling to work through the traumatic births...

OK.. definitely not you then.