Opinions needed, should I send dd to private school

[amy1008]

I'm new here and English is not my first language. Apologise first if i said something wrong.

My dd will start reception in 2019. Our local school is a bit of a nightmare (behaviour issues, bully, well below national average results, etc), so I definitely don't want to send dd in. There is a much better school about 1.5 miles away. But it's very small and heavily oversubscribed, even children live in the catchment area can't all get in.

House price in the catchment area is very high, there is no way for us to afford a house with decent size there. We considered renting a place near school and renting our own home out, but not sure whether council would allow it. And it can't guarantee a place.

So, it comes to the question should I send her to private school. There are a few good private school nearby. School fee is about the same as current nursery fee, manageable but both dh and I need to work hard. Personally I don't think private education at primary stage is necessary but it's better than going into a bad school. The only thing I'm worrying is that if all the other students come from wealthy families, would it be difficult for dd to fit in?

Any advice? thanks

Moving into catchment for a school is risky in case the catchment shrinks and renting short term close to a school is a tactic the LEA has got wise to now
We would have sent our children to Private Primary School if there wasn’t a good State option but luckily they both got into an excellent State Primary so it wasn’t necessary
Dd does go to a Private Secondary School and DS will go as well in 2 years as there isn’t a good State option.
So it does depend on the individual schools you are choosing from rather than a straight Private vs State.
As for being wealthy again this will depend on the school. We are in Yorkshire and school fees are lower than some areas so there are very few very rich families at our school. Mostly business people or teachers really with a few Solicitors and Doctors, quite a few with only 1 child which is something you might want to talk about.
Being flash is actually looked down in most cases and although obviously most families are higher earners ( relatively- not bankers or Russian Oligarchs) they aren’t super rich and we haven’t seen any snobbery at all

Sorry I mean 1 child is something you might want to THINK about

An important issue with private education is that fees go up as they get older and also fees are rising higher than wages on the whole. So you need to take future affordability into account....

Thanks for the replies. DD is highly likely to be our only child (long story, but not because of school fees). DH is expecting pay raise in couple of years, if not, then grandparents could help a bit. So affordability is not my main concern at the moment.

If other students have SAH mums or dads who regularly attend coffee mornings, work for PTA and organise play dates, while DH and I both need to work full-time, will it be difficult for DD to make friends? Or am I just overthinking? We are in Oxfordshire, I guess there would be lots of doctor families.

I went to private school throughout my education and the vast majority of families who had kids at my school had two working parents. Some very wealthy, stereotypical ‘family money’ types, but mostly just hard-working parents with decent salaries. There were also loads of partial and full bursary places offered at my school so there were kids from lots of different areas and backgrounds and everyone rubbed along as well as kids do anywhere.

Obviously there were cliques and misfits, as there are in every school, but it wasn’t their backgrounds and family circumstances that dictated where they did or didn’t fit in. Maybe I was just lucky with my schools, but I do think there are some pretty ugly and largely untrue perceptions that persist about private schools and their students.

My two DS are both at private because we relocated mid-year and the only state place on offer was a failing school. We didn't intend it as a permanent move, only while older one (younger was still pre-school) was on waiting lists for catchment schools. But, the facilities, the class sizes etc made us decide to permanently tighten our belts, and keep going. (Yes, I know not everyone can do this, blah, blah, blah, before I am jumped on).

I have had to carry on working full time in a job which I hate to make it affordable. There is a notable switch between the number of one working parent families in my older one's year and the number in the younger. Most in the younger year have both parents working to make it affordable. Both kids have plenty of friends. I just can't go to all the coffee mornings etc. That doesn't bother me and working is a perfect excuse not to get involved in PTA.

In the situation you describe, I would. Our DC went to a state primary and it was OK - not great, but many of the things that mattered to us at that stage (art, music, theatre, outdoor life) were strong. Paying over the odds ofr a catchment area house is high risk. If the catchment shrinks, the premium on the house drops. You're better off investing the money in education.

DC now go to private school. The vast ajoirty of their friends just come from ordinary middle class families where one parent has got to the top of their profession and the other parent has a normal job (teachers, editors, solicitors etc) Some are hugely wealthy, some are one parent families, some live in small flats, some live in mansions. The pupils gravitate towards others with shared interests (sport, music, debating etc) rather than income levels.

majority not ajoirty

You might actually find fewer SAHP at Private schools to pay the fees

Look at all of the school online. Send for a prospectus from the ones you're interested in, then book a time to go and look around a few.

You'll soon get to know which one feels like a good match for your DD

Watching this thread with interest.

We're concerned our DD won't pass the 11+ and the non-grammar options in our area are very poor. We think if we cut back we could manage it financially.

Only children with two working parents are well-represented in private schools in my experience. Have a look, think about how you would make it work, consider what the options further down the line are. We are in Oxfordshire and once we first looked at the independents didn't look back.

Though having said that we kind of took a deep breath and jumped in feet first with our eldest, just crossed our fingers we'd be able to make it work! Have ended up boarding for senior which has proven more affordable with bursaries... (was not remotely on our agenda at your daughter's age!)

Look at all schools, don't rely on others opinions.
Expect fees to rise by 5% a year on top of increases as your DD gets older. Private schools have longer holidays and associated holiday clubs are often expensive.
All schools have bullying it is how it is dealt with that matters.
Too small a school in either sector could close. Private ones pretty much overnight (state will have a transition period).

Do find out what extras are included and which you have to pay for.

Have you visited your nearest school? Serious behaviour issues and bullying are very rare in reception and year 1.
In your shoes I might just sent her there and keep her on the waiting list for the other school.

I work in an all through private - don't teach reception but visited a lot because I considered if for my DD. It was lovely but really they weren't doing anything my dd hadn't done at her school- she does outdoor learning (forest school) on site, phonics, maths, lots of play, singing with a specialist teacher etc. Yes her class has 30 but she loves it- lots of dc to play.

I would put money on your local school not being as bad as its reputation.

Thank you all very much for the lovely messages. They are very helpful. I'm definitely going to have a look at all the schools. Hope I can find a suitable one for DD.

Can you afford it all the way through? You need to budget for a 5% per year increase which will essentially mean the fees double by the time she leaves school, plus they usually go up at certain points e.g. moving from infant to junior/junior to senior.

Where in Oxfordshire are you OP? I'm in North Oxfordshire and there are very few 'poor' primaries around here... perhaps I could advise?

Have a look at the schools and then you can decide whether it'll work for your DC. Before visiting have a think about the questions you might want to ask and the things that you'd like to see so that you can compare them (and also compare with the local state school).

I would definitely try to visit on a 'normal' school day rather than on an open day which is inevitably a sales pitch. I got a lot out of looking round the school whilst it was at work - the atmosphere and the behaviour in the classrooms, seeing the headteacher interact with children as he passed them in the corridors and, although it sounds odd, a sense of calm that I thought would suit my child. I went back for the open day that then allowed me to speak to the teachers.

And yes, lots of families with two working parents. There are some seriously wealthy families but most aren't. No idea if it's intentional but we seem to have fewer invitations to assemblies, coffee mornings and events during the day than some of my friends do - perhaps it's recognised that a lot of people have to work full-time to afford the fees.

How do you know your local school is a nightmare? Unless it's from parents who actually have children there, please discount any gossip you may have heard. And definitely visit the school yourself and make your own mind up.

I paid fees and loads of us were full time working mothers and fathers - very much the norm and I am very glad I always worked full time. No problems with children making friends. Definitely worth paying fees at primary level.

DD's (private) primary was split about half and half between one SAHP and two working parents. The SAHPs were definitely closer and this did have an effect on play dates and friendships in the first few years. After that the kids started driving whom they had play dates with.

That said, the families with SAHPs weren't necessarily the wealthier ones.

Another observation was that the kids who were picked up by nannies tended to have more play dates together in the first few years.

My feeling is that it's better to pay at primary school rather than at any other stage, money permitting. Give me a child until he is seven and all that. Independent primaries are very good at music and sports in a way that can never be replicated in the state sector. The academics too tend to be better because of smaller class sizes.

But these things don't make a whole heap of difference IME. Ultimately the biggest deciding factor in a child's educational/social outcome is the parents. With the right parents any child will be fine :)

Don't financially deprive yourself. It's not just the fees, it's the never-ending school trips, the music lessons, the uniform. It's all expensive.

I was privately educated. I haven't gone down the route of private schools. I think if I did I'd have high expectations of my children. I have old school friends who have low paid jobs and I know it sounds ridiculous but I think if my child was short on cash as a grown up I'd regret it. I wouldn't be able to help with a deposit for a house as I'd spent so much on education.

Money would be so tight to manage school fees. Currently I only work 2 days, and DH full time. I'd need to switch to full-time for private education. I think the children benefit from having me around, and are happy in their state schools. I'd personally try the local state primary first. You could always switch later on.

We do lots of clubs and out of school activities with our children. I might start a private tutor for our daughter from year 4. We can afford all this as we are not paying school fees.

Private schools can dazzle with the facilities and speech days etc. But in my experience bullying is still rife, and there are lots of poor teachers.

If you can pay then it is wrong not to. The welfare state only works if only people who actually need it use it.