Just come back from meeting with ds1's head and teacher, need to splurge about it

[Greensleeves]

It was a really long meeting, I think I wittered a bit too much. It was very gruelling and I had to go into detail about things I am just not used to talking to strangers about, I probably came across as a nervous wreck (I am one!)

The head was very helpful and very interested in everything, he made notes and asked us a lot of questions. He thinks we need family therapy to help ds1 (and me) get over the debacle with my mother last year. He is going to talk to the HV/Family Support team [horrified emoticon] about getting it arranged, and possibly some Child Guidance input as well (can anyone tell me more about this? I feel rather out of my depth.)

He also thinks the ground needs to be laid for ds1 starting school in September, he is going to email the G&T coordinator and let him know about ds1's unusual abilities (the head says ds1 is already exceeding the targets for end of reception). He didn't seem all that interested in ds1's actual reading/writing/maths at this stage, he was firmly in favour of the nursery just continuing to work on social skills and behaviour (good!!) and told usus to try not to worry about September, just concentrate on the issues in hand now.

He also said he thinks ds1's emotional development is delayed in that the temper tantrums/bad behaviour/testing etc ds1 is doing is more typical of a 2yo and the reason we are finding it so difficult is because we are getting toddler behaviour/anger in a much older and cognitively advanced child.

He asked us lots of questions about ds1's interests and the questions he asks us, and his obsessions, and his fears, and the triggers for his bad behaviour. We all seemed to be drawing the same conclusions about the root of his behaviour being anxiety, and that the horror with my mother was a big issue for ds1. Also that we need an "ultimate sanction" (naughty stair etc) and to be more authoritative, because a child going through this developmental stage (although he is going through it late) needs the security of rock-hard boundaries. He also said that some of the things ds1 is thinking about, like what happens when we die, and where in the body the mind is located, and what happens in the middle of a black hole, were probably very frightening for a child who despite his intelligence is still very very little emotionally.

So family therapy, child guidance, an email to the G&T person and a review in a couple of weeks to see how we are getting on with some of the behaviour strategies he suggested (things like stopping talking until he makes eye contact, reflecting questions back at him to get an idea of which level he needs an answer at, etc)

If anyone has actually got to the end of this post, well done

If anyone has any ideas or can shed further light on what any of this means, I'd be grateful.

Greeny, believe me, I know how awful it is when you think something isn't right, and when someone speaks authoratitively and kindly it is tempting to cling to that and think they must be right, but you know, I absolutely agree with gess that there is something about everything you have said about your lovely, lovely ds that makes me think that before you go down this road, you should press for a proper assessment of your son to look at the whole Aspergers thing.
Anxiety is a BIG part of Aspergers. My ds is currently thrown into a total panic by having to make the smallest decision. Not only do I have to choose what flavour ice cream we buy from the ice cream stand, but I must order it so quietly that he can't know about it until it is a fait accompli - he literally clamps his hands to his ears and runs away in panic so he won't hear me. He also develops terrible fears about utterly benign things (ie the Mr Man videos!)
My ds is also very bright - could read fluently before starting schools, loves nothing more than discussing simile and metaphor and the differences between them. He is happiest really asking me to give him hard words to spell in his head, or asking me to give him an example of a simile and a metaphor to describe cold, or talking about minus numbers or the structure of the brain. He's five, btw. Sometimes I feel quite literally as if I am under interrogation - we joke that all that is missing is the uniform and the bright light. Sometimes it is enchanting and amazing and I burst with pride, sometimes it is frustrating and exhausting. He is also emotionally immature while streets ahead academically. His interests are different to his classmates' interests. ie he wants to know exactly how computers work and can use a computer very expertly, but has no interest in computer games or football or spiderman.
What worries me particularly is the advice to stop talking unless your child gives you eye contact. If - IF - he does have Aspergers that is really a huge, unfair demand on him. Asking a child with Aspergers gives you eye contact all the time is like asking a person in chronic pain to smile all the time. Sometimes they can, sometimes they can't. And sometimes the effort of keeping eye contact means they can't do anything else at the same time.
I am NOT saying that your son has Aspergers. I've never met him, though he sounds fantastic. But there is a lot about what you post that reminds me of my ds and I think that he needs a proper assessment to either rule it in or out before you get bogged down in all the rest of it.
Please, please contact me if you want. Lxx

Aloha, I think your ds and mine sound uncannily similar. I will contact you.

Email me and I'll give you my number if you like, or we could just email. I really feel for you, but please don't despair. He's still your gorgeous boy! And most of all, don't blame yourself.

Sleep tight and please do contact me.

L

just wanted to pass on my support, really, greensleeves. your DS sounds a lot like mine and we, too, are trying to figure out what's going on in that little head of his!

wishing you all the best of luck in the upcoming meetings/sessions.

Another decantation of all my internal crap, hope no-one minds

I have been thinking about all this and all the advice I have been given on here. I feel much clearer in my head about how to proceed, and much 'lighter' IYKWIM - the horrible dragging clawing feeling in my stomach is starting to lift a bit and I can sort of see a future for us all without all this crap in it. The more I think about the family therapy idea the more I think I am being thrown a lifeline. Even at the meeting yesterday, talking to the immensely helpful, humanitarian, child-centred, dedicated head of ds1's nursery, I think there was a little bit of a hurt insecure child crying out "I didn't get this kind of understanding and nurturing, I just got a load of crap". If I am going to be the parent I desperately want to be for ds1 (and ds2!), I have got to keep driving and pushing until I get out of this bloody long horrible tunnel of grief and old feelings.

DS1 had the mother of all tantrums tonight, really violent, hitting, kicking, screaming, destructive etc. I managed to stay completely calm, explain the consequences of his behaviour to him, get him to acknowledge the choices he made that led to the tantrum, then reassure and support him afterwards. He went to bed happy and calm. Now if I could just manage to do that every day....

I was given a copy of the nursery school's behaviour management policy this morning and was really impressed with it. I've never known such wonderful empathic teachers. What comes across in the whole policy is something which I have always believed in - that a small child has a very strong sense of personal dignity, and that their dependency/fragility doesn't entitle us as adults to degrade and humiliate them. An ethos which to my parents is worse than witchcraft and Communism all rolled up together

Wow- well done indeed on your calm during ds's storm. I think family therapy could be great with the right person as therapist. (ASD or no.)

Greensleeves,

I would certainly not stop the eye contact in order to get DS to talk; sounds like a completely disasterous strategy to my untrained eyes. I think the whole family therapy issue is a red herring, sounds to me as well that they have really no idea what to do with regards to your son so throw this so called suggestion at you.

If you son is anywhere on the ASD spectrum (and to my mind this still cannot be completely ruled out; his obsessions and anxiety make me think there is something there that needs to be properly looked at by someone who does know what they are talking about) none of these people you have seen are at all properly qualified to make any sort of assumption re your DS and giving you "help" from same.

I would urge you to go down the medical route before going anywhere near family therapy (or in particular CAMHS). Has your DS to date seen a developmental paediatrician/clinical pysch, your GP can refer you to such people quite easily.

What does you gut instinct tell you?. If your son is indeed somewhere on the ASD spectrum this will be hard to accept but he will still be your son no matter what.

I write the above because you have mentioned AS before.

You are his best - any only - advocate. No-one else will be better placed to fight his corner for him than you.

well done greeny i felt the same as my post ntatl blue lifted after ds1

it really is as if you can see a tiny bit of sun peeping aournd the clouds isnt it.

onwards an d upwards!