It was a really long meeting, I think I wittered a bit too much. It was very gruelling and I had to go into detail about things I am just not used to talking to strangers about, I probably came across as a nervous wreck (I am one!)
The head was very helpful and very interested in everything, he made notes and asked us a lot of questions. He thinks we need family therapy to help ds1 (and me) get over the debacle with my mother last year. He is going to talk to the HV/Family Support team [horrified emoticon] about getting it arranged, and possibly some Child Guidance input as well (can anyone tell me more about this? I feel rather out of my depth.)
He also thinks the ground needs to be laid for ds1 starting school in September, he is going to email the G&T coordinator and let him know about ds1's unusual abilities (the head says ds1 is already exceeding the targets for end of reception). He didn't seem all that interested in ds1's actual reading/writing/maths at this stage, he was firmly in favour of the nursery just continuing to work on social skills and behaviour (good!!) and told usus to try not to worry about September, just concentrate on the issues in hand now.
He also said he thinks ds1's emotional development is delayed in that the temper tantrums/bad behaviour/testing etc ds1 is doing is more typical of a 2yo and the reason we are finding it so difficult is because we are getting toddler behaviour/anger in a much older and cognitively advanced child.
He asked us lots of questions about ds1's interests and the questions he asks us, and his obsessions, and his fears, and the triggers for his bad behaviour. We all seemed to be drawing the same conclusions about the root of his behaviour being anxiety, and that the horror with my mother was a big issue for ds1. Also that we need an "ultimate sanction" (naughty stair etc) and to be more authoritative, because a child going through this developmental stage (although he is going through it late) needs the security of rock-hard boundaries. He also said that some of the things ds1 is thinking about, like what happens when we die, and where in the body the mind is located, and what happens in the middle of a black hole, were probably very frightening for a child who despite his intelligence is still very very little emotionally.
So family therapy, child guidance, an email to the G&T person and a review in a couple of weeks to see how we are getting on with some of the behaviour strategies he suggested (things like stopping talking until he makes eye contact, reflecting questions back at him to get an idea of which level he needs an answer at, etc)
If anyone has actually got to the end of this post, well done
If anyone has any ideas or can shed further light on what any of this means, I'd be grateful.