says she's a failure

[gillybeanz]

My dd says she's a failure.
they showed them their reports at school yesterday, apparently she hasn't done very well in anything.
I am worried for her future, as she just doesn't seem to do better despite her word that she tries harder all the time.
She says she can't be as good as everyone wants her to be.

I won't see the report until next week so can't comment on effort grades, this will probably tell us much more.
In the meantime what can I say, I'm trying to boost her confidence but it isn't working.

Also, she has a long holiday starting on 3rd July, how much work is suitable during the summer holidays. Should she timetable subjects or just do a bit of everything during her free time.
She needs a holiday and I don't want it to look like a punishment for not doing well at school
She is currently y8.

She seems to be in a cycle of believing she is rubbish, so not trying for fear of failure, not doing well, then back to believing she is rubbish.
She is dyslexic, off the scale gifted, but not academically.

Tia.

I can't believe how much pressure there is on kids these days that they even think about being a failure in Y8. When I was Y8, I didn't think twice about what I was doing at school.

Don't push stuff on her. Let her have a break. Encourage reading, museum trips, art galleries, art activities - but don't make her do homework.

You said she is gifted - what is she gifted in?

I think you need to see the report first. I have a year 8 child - in your position, I think I would play to her strengths.

If she is gifted in something, then really emphasise that. If it's something she can do, either as a career or a hobby throughout her life, then it may be that the academics won't matter so much.

Then concentrate on getting the basics in English and Maths up to speed, but in a relaxed way.

Maybe audio books of classic books, if she struggles with reading?

Your dd has a processing disability she is struggiling and i dont think summer homework would help here do as a pp said take her out show her things let her relax if her school sets summer homework Idont think she needs to do any more though, talk through her report card single out the positives first then go through her weaker points, does she have SEN support at school?

I think it would be worth ringing the school and asking for a conversation with them, at the very least to point out the message your DD has taken away from the report.

My brother is dyslexic and hated school, I'm only going from what I saw my mum do, but she read to him, even in secondary school, and got him audio books so he wouldn't be put off books. Then encouraged him in anything he loved and got him books about the subject and helped him read them.

I really think homework would be a punishment. She's still so young...

Sorry, meant to say I wouldn't remotely make it look like homework. Just listen to books, plays etc together.

One of my Dds loves audiobooks it really helped her reading and understanding

When you say she is gifted but not academic - what is she gifted at?

There are two strategies here.

1. You help her with school work and try to raise her grades at everything
2. You recognise that she'll never ace a number of subjects and let her focus on the stuff she's really good at.

I would say that probably in real life it's a mix that's needed - a C in English and Maths at GCSE opens doors that are otherwise shut, so maybe focus on those? But compensate by letting her also do a ton of the stuff she's really good at.

To be honest, in the long run in life, you only really have to be good at one thing!

She has comp Ed at school for an hour a week, 1 to 1 with the SENCO.
Her gift is Music, in some aspects she's on a par with undergrads at the local conservatoire.
School work is usually just below or bordering on average.
The problem is we won't get reports until the close of school, so will be unable to talk to SENCO about the results.
I just want her to reach her potential and have ideas for strategies for study as I am also dyslexic, and am PgCE qualified, but Post compulsory Ed. I'm not sure she'd listen to me though.

I know homework will seem like a punishment, but it seemed the best time for her to catch up, maybe get an insight into what's coming up. The core subjects are the main worry, especially Maths and English as everyone needs these for Further Ed.

Average is ok though she isn't failing in maths &English is she? The c grade is a new thing in England isn't it? Would she manage C in an exam if not what about tuition during the holidays or for new term?

OP, I echo big yellow. She is only in year 8 and some children don't hit their stride academically until much later. My dd1 has dyslexia and we have been lucky as she has super supportive academic mentoring staff (SEN). But this has not always been the case added to the fact she is at a very academic school that at times her self esteem has been poor. Things got a lot better with help of support staff and my own change of attitude, focus on her talents and drop out of the grades and comparison race. We aim to do well enough, what others get is no concern to us. My advice to you is to speak to the support staff/teachers, support your daughter and have fun in the sun. If she wants to do some work, let her but don't turn the holidays into an extension of school.

You sound like you're ideally positioned to help with the maths/English. Definitely second what others have said about Audiobooks/plays/video downloads helping with English. I bet there are good learning apps for maths, too. Sometimes it's just about finding someone whose approach fits with your DD's style.

And definitely bring on that music - she sounds amazingly talented! There are so many opportunities at county and national level now - all kinds of different groups, small and large, that give youngsters so much opportunity and that confidence with performance too! A good county youth orchestra and/or the National Youth Orchestra can be brilliant for giving youngsters confidence, though she's probably leading those already by the sounds of things!

You don't need to wait for reports, make an appointment to see SENCO staff and explain your worries. Any decent SENCO will already have a good idea of her strengths and weaknesses and can advise you.

MrsJayy

I don't think at present she would get a C, previously this year she was getting very low marks in core subjects.
Maths and English were typically under 20% when tested on the usual topics they were learning during the school year.
I think she could be average if she put the effort in, but she doesn't believe me.
So, when she says she is trying I do believe her, but feel she could try harder. But unless we can boost her confidence and self esteem I can't see it improving anytime soon.

She knows we don't expect A* or even B grades, and we have never been pushy academically or made her feel bad for not achieving high grades.

Trying
Ditto, to not making comparisons with others, and i jump on this straight away as there are some academically gifted dc at her school. The average for languages last year (Y7) was high 80's.

Can anyone help with percentages as a grade for new GCSE's at all.

ie. would 75% be an old B/ new 7?

Average or just below Average in an 'above' average academic environment is fine !

Gilly you have to accept that most 'gifted' musical children are also likely to be academically very able, especially in a school that takes children from across the breadth of the UK.

Its a bit like being the worst 'footballer' at Man Utd , you are still a good player just when comparing yourself with gifted people , you feel a failure.

If she was compared to non 'academically' able children at an non specialist school maybe she would be not so down on herself and compare favourably.

I agree. If she is in a high achieving environment, then she is going to be comparing herself to some pretty bright and motivated children.

I actually think you should speak to the school now, rather than waiting for the report.

I have emailed school, but haven't received reply yet.
We could go in and see SENCO during the holiday if I can fit in with work. ie have already booked annual leave.

She boards, which makes it harder as the only time we have any input to her work is during holidays.
I will delete the suggested timetabled subjects I have saved on my desktop and wait to see if she suggests anything.

we have spoken at great length about children who find it easy, get full marks without seeming to put much effort in, others who have to do extra work to achieve and others who struggle and unfortunately have to put in a lot of extra work

I do hear you OP. My daughter also excels in creative subjects music, art and DT, and I used these as a way to demonstrate how academic kids also struggle. When she pointed out that they can drop those subjects, I spoke to her about how it was an advantage to her as those who fail and keep trying develop resilience which bodes well for life. I am very lucky that my dd1 has a few outside school activities which she enjoys and excels in and her teachers are wonderfully supportive, full of praise and role models of non academic success! Their positive input has been very very helpful. I have to admit that during the low points and uphill struggles, I have sometimes wished that she didn't have dyslexia.

The plot thickens, have heard from School.

The SENCO has spoken to her academic teachers and due to the nature of the school they choose options for Y9 not for GCSE but a pathway for this year.
dd had believed she was good at languages and did quite well to begin with, but alas, not one of her good subjects.
She had opted to do both in y9 and had asked me to find a tutor for another.
She does need languages for her chosen career, but the appropriate teachers have been asked and she won't be worse off with her application for her chosen course without having studied 3 languages.

I think this is what has made her feel like a failure, she really wanted to take languages.

It just sounds like there is so much pressure on her. Why is she already choosing careers and courses?

Let her enjoy her holidays unless you want a miserable daughter.

How many languages is she studying at the moment? How may does she think she will need?

Just thinking that there may be other ways to crack this - maybe spend time over a future holiday on an exchange trip in one of the countries?

Not sure I can suggest anything really helpful but I think you're right about the languages hitting her confidence. Presumably, the reading and writing aspects are a struggle given her dyslexia. However, I'd go ahead with the language outside school if it's 1:1 tutoring and maybe focus on speaking and listening for now. Is it Italian? Get her listening to lots of songs in Italian! Then look at the words, take it from there. She's probably exhausted from the effort of dealing with dyslexia, learning the coping strategies and maintaining her very high music levels in a competitive environment - but as she's thriving with the music she will get there, I'm sure.
I also think audio books are a great idea!

Languages - is one German? German is quite easy at the start much more so than French as it's kind of pronounced as it is written. But then the grammar can get quite a bit more complex, three words for the which change when referring to the object rather than subject, and the word order.

Either a tutor (maybe from that country) to boost over the summer or a course like the Paul Noble ones could help.
Do also consider if this school really is the best place for her. Would a normal school/home education with Saturday music college work better?

Thank you Loose

I think she must be very disappointed, she sounds quite down, and of course I just want to see her and cuddle her.
Will see her Saturday and she finishes on Monday. Yes, the extra language would be Italian, school do German and French.

Thank you all for the suggestion of audio books, and I certainly won't push her to do anything. We have just spoken to her and although down, she's adamant she's going to continue with all 3 languages.
I'm not sure what to say to her, whether to tell her to be realistic or encourage her. She said she's spoken to her teachers and they will allow it but her SENCO said they think it's better for her to just do one.

BigYellowJumper

She has her career mapped out and study right up to PG level, believe me it all comes from her, and the pressure too.
We have 2 normal grown up dc, who weren't very ambitious at all, we are just as proud of their achievements as we are with dd, but she is entirely different and driven.

gillybeanz she is suffering from comparing herself with DCs who are gifted across music and academics. She needs to focus on what she needs and wants for her ambitions, what is right for her. That means using the resources at her school as a personalised education.
The music is taken care of but she needs time and energy to put the practice in. She needs English and maths GCSE so agree with others that maintaining the momentum for those during the holidays is sensible. Overloading academics on top of her core GCSE subjects so that she loses energy for her music may be detrimental to her. She probably is very good at picking up languages but not for written and reading due to the dyslexia. I would suggest that she focuses on one language for academic study for GCSE and uses her music and other resources to learn the other two mainly aurally as intensive language courses do. That will provide her what she wants for her career and conversing when she travels around. Conservatoire academic entry requirements are pretty minimal are n't they so she could do just music and one MFL A level and does not need high grades.

sendsummer

You are completely right, and have said exactly what school have told her.
It's the pronunciation, so speaking that needs to be good, and she practises this for hours with cd's and with her teacher.
I'm going to spend much of the holiday trying to get through to her that it isn't all so important.
We had planned to go to Italy next year, couldn't quite stretch to it this year, i agree about the immersion.

I also get the impression from talking to her that she believes she could have put more effort in, and that she gave up to easily, but we'll wait and see the report.
One of her strong points is sheer determination when she makes up her mind to do something, so maybe she'll knuckle down on her own accord.
Thank you all for the lovely comments and helping me see the way forward and how I can help to support her.
Very much appreciated