Help with boarding schools - how do I choose?

[PinkPaeonies]

Hello MN - longtime lurker here. But still clueless...

How would you choose a boarding school for a girl who is quite bright - but we don't actually know bright as she is lazy and can be uncooperative at times because she is immature. She is extremely sociable but at the same time lacks self esteem. I want her to be happy but at the same time she needs to be stretched and encouraged. I don't want her slipping under the radar. She excels at music - am told she "should be top" in maths and English but doesn't try hard enough and consequently lags behind. So far I've looked at Sherborne Girls, Uppingham, Oundle, Bryanston and Rugby. But I have no idea how to gauge the right school for her.

Grateful for any advice.

How old is she? She doesn't sound like a good candidate for boarding school tbh.

Why not Dawned?

(Genuine question!)

Because the op describes her as very sociable, low self esteem and not motivated to work. All perfectly normal attributes but she needs more parenting through her teenage years, not less.

IME some children who've low esteem and poor motivation benefit from the sort of "parenting" they receive at boarding schools. There is not one answer to the problem a lot depends on the existing relationship between the parent and child. For example children weighed down by the pressure of helicopter exceedingly pushy parents may find boarding suits them better (Im not saying this applies to the OP). Only children might enjoy the camaraderie of boarding, children unable to access their chosen sport at home but can at boarding school may find that this has a knock on effect on school work, or children of parents who work long hours and spend large amounts of time alone may also do well at boarding school. Its not black and white.

If you're visiting Uppingham and Oundle, go and see Oakham as well.

It's a mix of day, flexi and full boarding, but there is a decent boarding community that is there at weekends. Even if you decide the numbers don't quite add up for you, it's useful to see a coup,e of 'also tans' as a point of comparison. It's a very good all-rounders school.

It's not black and white happy, but from the snapshot the OP has given us, I don't think her DD would thrive.

"from the snapshot the OP has given us, I don't think her DD would thrive."
That's the point the OP has only given us a snapshot so I don't think anyone can comment with any kind of authority either way.

Try Cheltenham Ladies. My DD loved it when we were choosing. In house dining and full boarding. Plenty of trials for boarding and a really varied curriculum. We have chosen a London day school though as we felt 3 weeks at a time boarding was too much at 11. Had they offered weekly boarding, I think we'd have chosen it. The scholarship process for academia and music was very fierce though (as you might expect). Just to be clear though, most academic scholarships will only be progressed once all of the girls have sat the entrance papers and then they select at the top. You cannot just apply for one in the majority of schools - unlike music/art/sports etc. If you think you might qualify for a bursary, talk to them now. Don't put your daughter through a process for a school realistically she might not be able to attend.

Hi everyone - thank you for all your posts and comments - I now have a much clearer idea of what approach to take and what to look for when visiting these schools.

It's very difficult imho to convey in a few lines what our circumstances are and precisely what DD is all about. You would have to know her yourself. And then perhaps you might understand. As with any child. Or indeed with any person. But aside from equipping me with valuable tools with which to evaluate whichever schools I choose to visit - (for which thank you all) - this thread has amazingly served to crystallise in my own mind that I can trust my own judgement, which hitherto I had doubted. Bizarrely, all the questions and all the assumptions and all the comments (both positive and negative) that have been made here have resonated in one way or another so as to help me define much more clearly just who my little girl is and what type of school ethos might work best for her - and if we get it right I have no doubt she will thrive - so I am now more confident than ever that she and I will be able to sort out the right fit. That's an amazing result for me and I am genuinely thankful.

There were lots of comments on here which questioned our reasons for wanting boarding as opposed to day / private as opposed to local state / full as opposed to weekly. I really didn't want to divert the thread from my original request which was to help me understand how to make a good choice. We had already decided on the issues of Private. Boarding. And full. And our reasons for those choices are many and varied. But they are our own personal reasons and I really don't feel the need to share them and go down the road of having to justify them or open a debate as to the pros and cons, rights or wrongs. I hope you understand.

Thanks again for all the comments. Much appreciated.

PP xx

Good luck I hope you find the right school. Let us know how you get on.

Pink to add to all the comments here. IMO a major advantage for good boarding schools, particularly full boarding , is that teachers really get to know the DC from seeing them outside lessons and in a relaxed environment. This enhances the positive influence they can have. However house staff who seem very pleasant can sometimes be a bit lazy or not good with discipline so gently quiz pupils about how much they see their house mistress or house tutors to talk to properly and what happens when lights are out, principally do they get enough sleep.

Also whilst considering whether to go for a more academic big name such as CLC or Oundle, it would be useful to know if your DD is stimulated by competition or, should she not be near the top without too much effort whethee that might reinforce her lower self-esteem.

It sounds as though you need a school that has the right calibre of teaching and ensembles for her instrument (or voice) so again a consideration if going for a smaller school.
Marlborough, St Edwards, Rugby and Cheltenham College would all sound suitable from how you describe her. All will have some very bright pupils and lots of stimulation. CLC and Oundle perhaps more if she becomes a more competitive type.

The rudest children I ever met (in a professional capacity)came from Cheltenham College might just have been the ones I met but completely put me off the place, I also think and was very much given the impression by these rather unpleasant children that it's primarily weekly boarding as well.

Have you looked at Wellington and Bedales? Both suit slightly quirky, non conformists - in different ways.
If she's not performing at top of her game, are you sure she'd be offered a place? Some are very competitive. Might be good to look at some others like Godolphin, Salisbury and St Swithuns Winchester.

Crumbs - all I can say is that in any psychometric/intelligence testing that has been done thus far (the most recent being a few weeks ago) she has always been off the scale. I think her prep school is very understanding regarding the discrepancy between her "ability" and her (current) performance. I think the gist of what I am getting from school is that she needs sensitive (even psychological perhaps) handling at this point but that we should be looking at appropriate academic schools for the future. Tbh all I want is for her to a) be happy and b) have a reasonably strong chance of fulfilling her potential. We have about 2 years to decipher all of this and see what comes out in the wash.

PS I should add that her prep is very experienced - and I would just sit back and take their advice without question if it were not for my helicopter need to ensure that it's all for the best.

I should also add that I just don't like schools that empty at the weekends. The school that confuses me on this front is Bryanston. I hear so many conflicting reports. The website says that over 50% of weekends are "closed". Yet others say it's mainly weekly boarding. I know the tutor system is highly regarded as it is designed to prevent children slipping through the cracks - great on the one hand but then that equally raises alarm bells as to over-regulation? I don't think oppressive would would work with DD.

Send - you raise an interesting point about competition. I shall have to consider that. I believe that thus far DD appears to be inwardly competitive. But I am sure she is equally aware of what everyone else is up to. Whether she is stimulated by or afraid of that is not clear yet.

I agree with Happy that I'm** afraid I don't much like Cheltenham College. But St Edwards is an unknown quantity and I would like to look into that.

Why do you say Oundle is competitive compared to say, Rugby?

We discounted CLC as seemed a bit hothouse to me.

The way that weekly boarding works in some schools is that some weekends have activities that are compulsory. Ours were all the house competitions, sports day, house suppers - that type of thing. So the school didn't empty out every weekend but was flexible boarding. Parents seemed to like this because they could helicopter a bit!

bojorojo is right about compulsory weekends in. Regarding Bryanston I was told by a friend whose DC was at there that on non compulsory weekends the place was totally empty, many families were local and their DC's went home Friday night came back to school for compulsory lessons/activities on Saturday then didn't return till Monday. She lived in London and wanted full boarding so she removed her DC at the end of yr 11 as did two of his friends parents basically they weren't getting what they were paying for. I have to say this didn't cone as a surprise, I went to see it once and as we wanted full boarding I asked an HM how many were full boarders in his house, he was very cagey coming out with a comment like 'quite a lot" when I then said "ok how many in this house of 40 were in last weekend?" He reply was 4-5. That's not my idea of "quite a lot". I did tell my friend that it wasn't full boarding before she sent her DC there so want overly surprised when it went wrong.
Bedales again isn't full boarding, with good train links into London when I talked to the the kids most went home. Schools are very cagey about actual number of full boarders. IME anywhere offering a mixture of flexi weekly and full boarding will be very quiet and weekends. Be careful even so called full boarding schools are getting more flexible allowing children home for family events etc, DS2's school will tell you once you start allowing children out for every "family event" parents start requesting to take their children out all the time. It completely changes the atmosphere of a school.

I'd only touch schools a caring ethos and sound pastoral care. The academic side is secondary to this and will only fall on place if your child feels strong emotionally.

I would be looking for signs of kindness in the head/kids/staff.

Also look at staff turn over. Is it high? Why? Happy schools tend to have low staff turn over because staff feel settled.

Also get your child to do one whole taster day at schools you are interested in - that way she will quickly get a feel for her year group and how nice they are.

What does your child want? How old is she?

flumpy!

Don't fret. It really isn't possible to drag a kicking, screaming, protesting child to boarding school! (Any more than it's possible for day school parents to force a hefty teen into school if they decline to attend.)

It's a long process involving repeated opportunities for child and school to decide whether they're going to get along. Not saying mistakes are never made or minds changed - of course that happens - but no school would willingly take a reluctant child. They like pupils who actively want to be there.

Pink. Oundle is academically tougher to get into than Rugby and IMO takes more self belief to do well in.
CLC is a hothouse because that is what happens with a school full of high achieving girls. I think as with WA the teachers do try to counteract it (whilst still wanting good results of course ).
Fair enough about Cheltenham College. I don't know enough pupils there to judge overall rudeness and that would put me off completely if true. I have heard from other parents that the teaching profile has improved quite a lot in the last few years, they certainly do well at both ends of the academic spectrum from the examples I know about.

What did you think of Sherborne?