Anyone given up their childs place at a highly selective school at 4?

[AgonisingMum1]

We have just done this with my daughters 4+ place. The place we gave up was at a very academic, selective school. I'm hoping to hear from others who did this and were pleased with the outcome. Our reasons were mainly financial, though not entirely- we could have afforded the fees but we would have had less security in terms of savings and a lot less money month to month. We were also offered a place at a sought after state primary which is rated outstanding and has been, consistently, for years.
However, I am in turmoil about the decision. My husband was never behind the private school choice- was worried about the cost of it and didn't really agree with it on principle either. He agreed to it because we never expected to get the state school we were offered, and because he knew how much I wanted the private school. I worked for months with my daughter to get her in. We've agreed that we will sit her again at 7+ when out financial situation will be different. I know 7 plus is hard.

Please be kind. This has been an incredibly tough week and I'm hoping some of you can reassure me that we've done the right thing.

Yes, we did turn down a 4+ place at a highly selective school for dd1. She's at an outstanding state in Y4, and we're looking at selective secondaries. We'll tutor from some point in Y5, I think, as that's about the minimum that seems sensible here in SW London as her primary doesn't do any exams, NVR, CAT tests etc.

I think it was the right decision overall - she has much more time for the extra-curricular activities she loves because the school is so local and gives hardly any homework. So she does tons of dance, music etc. And it means a much shorter journey to school, local friends, easier in terms of family logistics.

But, she is one of 30 in a class and she doesn't have an academic peer in some subjects, and is in the top few for others. That would be OK if she was happy about it, but she isn't, and finds the pace slow and frustrating. It's been, at times, a bit isolating for her - thought it's hard to tell if that would have been better elsewhere. It wasn't an issue in YR, but was particularly bad in Y1, and has been patchy - it helped when the new, more stretching curriculum came in in Y3 as it was more of a step up from Y2.

NeoTrad, didn't mean to say that I thought it would be a good idea with a school that didn't teach basic skills. But in the OP's case the alternative to the private school is not sending her down the mine: it is an outstanding state school.

The reality is that a clever, supported child from a decent primary can gain access to any school at 7 or 11. If your child is genuinely clever plus has a home supporting her plus access to tutoring or home preparation for a decent period before entrance exams, she is well placed to get in.
Think of all the state ed kids who get into the top grammars like Tiffin which are harder to get into in terms of competition than the privates. They are clever and have been prepped by tutors or by parents. Being clever and prepared is the key not having been at Prep school.

You certainly do t doom your child by not going to Prep at 4. My DD started Prep at 7 and it was noticeable that those who started then were the high fliers. And at secondary the high fliers were often from state primaries. All had been tutored but the thing that determined their place in class was just how clever they were. All were bright girls. All had been tutored by parents putting in the hours or paid tutors. All came from decent or great schools - not all private. They all earned their places and did well. Those who did extraordinarily were more clever.
If you are worki g with a clever child and have the mindset to support at home and the ability to prep yourself or to pay someone else to do it, 7 or 11 entry will be okay. Yes you will have the stress of going g through it all but you won't have closed the door.

Thanks again everyone. Wombat- that's reassuring- my DD is clever and we'll definitely put in the time with her and tutor. Im more at peace with he decision to send her to the state school now than I was when I first posted as our lifestyle would have been heavily impacted by having to pay school fees. No holidays for a few yrs, less money all round. I know that schools like NLCS and Habs take a lot of state school kids, especially at 11.

Hi OP, not quite the same situation as you but like a PP I moved area to improve the state school selection options and got DS into an outstanding CofE primary. I personally abhor the idea of putting my DC through rigorous selection processes during primary years, so have actively opted for the local state option and never put my DC through the selection in the first place.

In the position you are In now, I would have taken exactly the same decision - the local school, if good quality which it seems it is, is a brilliant option, your child will make local friends (as will you) and walking to school etc are a huge benefit in my view.

I really think that agonising over this now the decision is made won't help, what is the point of this intrinsic post mortem? Throw yourself behind this choice, and help your DC settle at school and get involved in the school yourself to make his primary years as positive as humanly possible, while enjoying as much extra curricular enrichment as you please with the spare cash you've saved