What would you do in this situation?

[lucas1612]

Dh and I are going round in circles and I feel like we won't make the decision and the deadline is looming. Don't feel like there's many people I can talk to in RL without being judged. So looking for outside perspective I guess.

Ds who is 4 has been accepted into a private school after an informal assessment day. Df has offered to pay his fees. I have made a pro/cons list:

Pros

• think he's bright (as far as you can tell when 4) so we should run with this and provide best learning environment we can which would challenge him and tap into his ability .
• smaller class sizes, 1:4 care from TA/teacher
• more opportunities with sports, arts, languages, enrichment etc.
• others in class bright so generally push achievements up.
• ds very determined and strong willed, could be influenced very easily and fall into 'wrong crowd' at state school.
• amazing results
• secondary school sorted, no need to move house to get good school (if we needed to do that anyway)
• if bright could get bored at state school and loose thirst for learning.
• it's an amazing opportunity.
• will get into after school club straight away.
• might not get in later on if start at state.
• excellent inspection report, state only good.

Cons

• will it push him too much?
• he might not be academic, does it suit his personality?
• didn't love it when we looked around but loved the state school and confident would def be happy there.
• not as much sense of community, catchment big and potentially no play dates after school.
• will we/him fit in? Probably 'poorest' there.
• don't want him to grow up in middle class bubble with no variety of people and lifestyles.
• distance from home. Can't walk there like state school. Stressful pick up/drop off
• hols overlap with work hols
• didn't love it when looked around, not community feel state school had.
• possible extra costs involved?

On previous threads people have said they know which school dc would fit into or like best. We re not sure ds would love private or not but we think he d love the local state school.

Based on this, what decision would you make?

It really depends on the schools you have to choose from. Its interesting that you say one of the downsides is that you think he might fall in with the wrong crowd at the state school but yet its the school that your neighbours' children attend? What are their children like?

I can see your dilemma and I don't think (personally) you'll get an objective opinion on Mumsnet. No-one knows the 2 schools you are choosing between and on similar threads, you usually find a "private is always better" assumption. I think the fact that your sister's children attend is a big plus - if you're working, presumably you can share the juggling of drop offs and collections and this could be worth its weight in gold. However, I agree with lots of posters that your gut instinct is very important with a school. Personally I would take the money and the private / state out of the equation and ask yourself - which school did you prefer? Which will suit your son (and you as a family) best?

Thanks for the replies.
If we were in the position where the state schools at primary level were rubbish we wouldn't hesitate, part of the problem is we liked the local state school a lot. It's rated good at ofsted. Looking at the very poor local secondary schools did make me think we should go for it though.

By getting in with the wrong crowd I just meant if there is another silly child in the class who would prefer to mess around than work or is physical. I can see ds joining in. They're only little so I doubt it will be too much. The neighbours children from what I ve seen are normal, lovely children. Showing normal behaviour for there age but nothing major.

Spoke to my sons pre school worker today and she said ds is very bright and would be fine there and feels he would fit in very well. That helped put my concerns about how academic it is to rest.

Unfortunately wouldn't be able to share lifts with cousins. Well, they would be able to take ds as can fit x3 car seats in their car as they have 2dcs who will be at the school from sept. But I wouldn't be able to take x4 car seats in mine as would have to take dd too.

If you think the private school is definitely a better fit I would send him there. On the other hand I wouldn't assume that just because it's private and gets good results it's better.

I would check whether the kids there generally have tutors? Are children who are underperforming told "they're not a good fit" for the school and asked to move on. Do they have a SENCO (obviously might not be needed but it's important to have there if necessary - even if DS seems bright now).

Have you spoken to kids there and at the local state - are they friendly - keen to chat etc. While there'll be lovely and horrible kids at every school I do think some schools do a better job of creating an open, friendly environment than others.

Other things to be aware of are that at private school kids come from further afield so less of a community feel in terms of walking to school - cycling to each other's houses when older etc.

I also think you need to move away from the perception that there will only be children who mess around / are physical in a state school. That's rubbish. There are poorly behaved children in every school. We live in an area with state and private, with lots of sports clubs with children from both and I've been furious just watching the lack of respect / selfishness of some boys. They come from both types of school.

Name change- I don't think that. I work in education and have met 000's of children so I certainly don't think that about state school children. I just meant I can see him being easily influenced by the not so good behaviour of others.

That's the problem. I am not sure which school would be the right fit for ds. He's 4, it's hard to tell what personality he's going to grow into.

One major issue I have with the private school, as I ve said before, is the lack of community. That's one of the main reason why we loved the state school. I think I had in my mind walking to school with dcs, lots of play dates after school, possibly impromptu coffee meet ups after drop off and being involved in the school a lot. Seeing local mums around the local area at toddler groups etc. That's definitely what I visualised when thinking of where ds would go to school. But dh says that's more about me than ds. Maybe I need to get over that though. But I do feel by sending ds to the private school I would potentially missing out on all that.

But ds pre school worker said there are two others going to this private school from his pre school who live 5/10 mins drive from us so guess there may well be people from our local area at the school. It's an affluent area so I wouldn't be surprised.

By fall into the wrong crowd I don't mean the state school is full of feral children I just mean ds is very easily influenced so if there were some disruptive children in the class he could easily fall into that group and go along with it. It seems much less likely there would disruptive children in the private school. That's what you said OP, I was just saying there are likely to be children who may be disruptive or children your DS would be (negatively) influenced by in the state and private sector.

I agree that your gut instinct about the local school is important. You know your own child and whether he would fit in there - you have positive recommendations from local parents. He can always go for private for his secondary education.

Personally I would choose the state school, but I think that if you do that you will be forever looking at your sister's kids and watching out for signs of disruption and torturing yourself wondering if he would have done 'better' at private.

Choose the private school.

But don't use less monied people as part of his education by providing diversity, thank you very much.

Mixed grill- I wouldn't be using anyone! I just meant none of our friends are going private and I intend to stay friends with them and the dcs to have play dates so he wouldn't just be in a private school bubble.

I think I would make comparisons and forever be wondering if we d made the wrong choice of sending him to the state school if he's cousins excelled over him.

In an ideal world we would put him in for secondary but he might not get in. Plus, I don't like the idea of the pass/fail exam.

That's the problem. My gut said state and I preferred the atmosphere of the state but there's lots of things I prefer about the private so can't say which I preferred overall.

State because: you loved the school and It's less pick up/drop off stress.

We moved ours from an outstanding school to a good one. I've no regrets. The good school focuses more on the children as a whole instead of just the academic side. They also have programmes where they pull out both extremes of ability into small groups to support and encourage them and push them as needed.

Don't underestimate the negative impact of a stressful commute.

But don't use less monied people as part of his education by providing diversity, thank you very much.

I don't think that's what OP means - I do think ideally I'd like my child to mix with a cross section of society not because I want them to be exposed to the "lower classes" but all kinds of people - 95% of people couldn't afford private schools so it's not like you're just not exposed to poor people but average people too.

+1 for the comments about all through schools not always being the best concept. We picked a school for DD at 3 and a half that went through to 18, it suited her perfectly at the time. However at end of Y2 the brightest left for the best prep schools and Y3 was traumatic and we left the school as she no longer suited the school and we didn't agree with their suggestion to move her up a year. She is now in Y7 and at her third school. She may stay for sixth form, she may move, we keep an open mind. Even though we thought we might not have so many choices, it turns out there usually are plenty.

Holesin- couldn't have put it better myself. Exactly what I meant.

I am not too worried about him being in the same place from 4-18. He's going to be in school from 4 anyway. As long as he's happy. Obviously things change so if he became unhappy we would rethink.

Dh seems very into the private school now. He's done a total u turn. He says his gut says the private school but not sure I believe that as only a few days ago he was saying the state school. He was very anti private a few months ago. More likely he's been influenced by his family who are all saying we d be mad to turn it down. He's obviously bright so run with it.

We ve also got the problem of whether we admit df is paying the fees. One friend knows this and is totally none judgemental but a neighbour/friend obviously thinks we would be paying the fees. She declared 'from primary!' When we said we were considering it before ds went to the assessment day.

It is nobody's business but your own as to who pays the fees. You will probably find that lots of your DS's friends will begin the same position.

My DD is in first year of uni, but looking at her friendship group many bailed out of the 4-18 schools at 11 (usually, but not always, to go to another independent) and even more at sixth form stage as they seem to feel that they had "outgrown" the school, and needed a change. Plenty of time before your DS reaches that stage though!

Well, after talking to dsis and bil who have dn there already we are very much leaning towards accepting the offer.

They many of our reservations to rest.

Ds will love being at school with his cousins if we do go for it.

I think you are putting too much emphasis on the results of the state secondary. Your ds won't be going there for another 7 years.

If he is as bright as oyu say he is, he will get into the school at 7 or 11 or 13.

Personally I think being able to walk to school is a massive plus. Primary schools in the state sector are usually pretty decent and are less badly affected by the budget cuts. I think you are right to look at private post 11 but at the moment - I'd go for state. If you think you've made a mistake you can go for it again at 7+ entry. The three years' fees your FIL has saved can go towards uni fees later on. Or pay for extra-curricular activities that you think ds might miss out on eg membership fees for sports clubs or music lessons etc.

You don't know what might happen in the future, you might decide to move house or area. Go with your gut feel. And don't be taken in by facilities.