If you went to private school, and your DC do not...

[LittleRedChopper]

what are your reasons and feelings about this?

It is completely beyond our financial reach.
Makes me wonder what exactly did our (DP and my) parents pay for if we aren't among the top earners who can afford this.

90% of it down to money.

DH and his sister went to some of the most expensive schools in the country. HIs Dad was a very successful lawyer, although his mum was SAHM. They had two homes and both kids went to incredibly famous schools. We have friends who work in City law firms now who earn astronomical salaries by any normal standards, but could still only dream of living like DH's family in their 30s and early 40s.

I went to a much more moderate rural private school at secondary level, and I know it was a stretch for my parents. DH and I probably have similar disposable income proportionately to them, but we have two children and fees are proportionately much higher. For one child, if we cut right back, we could probably just about afford it.

DH also had a near full scholarship at secondary level, purely on academic results not family income, which is incredibly rare now.

We are saving to hopefully allow for some years at secondary private later on.

What is best for my child is not a politics-free zone. I think ds would be best suited in pure academic terms to a private school but a) we can't afford it and b) i think there is a negative effect in having private schools that affects ds in broader than academic terms.

Essentially a financial decision. We made the decision to move into a catchment of a good state school as we didn't feel confident that our funds would cover private without massive, massive belt tightening and remortgaging. I am one of four and two of us went private, two went state and our outcomes were not very different. Having said that, I happen to have one group of friends who have all gone private and I do feel guilty every time I see them that their dc's are getting 'something' that my two aren't/won't.

School fees were cheaper relative to earnings in "the old days" so there were more private schools and not all of them were great despite them being fee paying.
The return on investment for private education will vary from person to person but for me it would have to be that they achieved better grades than in a ststae school and I think that unlikely where we live.

I boarded at a veyr posh private school.
I don't send my kie because:

1. can't afford it. Dh and I work in charity sector so no money.
2. don't really believe in the social snobbery it produces, I wanted my kids to know all people at all levels of society.
3. 2 oldest got in to 2 excellent grammar schools. I am confident they are getting a good education, with positive self esteem too.

DP boarded from age 7 and was adamant that he wouldn't put his own children through boarding prep. He did enjoy the senior years and has remained great friends with the other boys he was with, and never ruled out boarding age 13 plus.

I was a day girl at prep at a time when the state primaries were not great. My father then decided to invest what was left of the finances in my brother's education and I joined an actually not bad comprehensive, but never settled there. Meanwhile the expensive boarding prep my poor little brother joined left him so bruised from the abuse that he suffered that he never recovered. I'm quite sure it was at the root of the drink problem which killed him.

The problem is academic anyway - we live in an area where every primary is either good or outstanding, and so is the state comprehensive (now an academy). We've chosen to spend the budget on the extras like sport and music that state schools tend to fall down on. The girls have a big circle of friends who mostly live near enough for the pain of being a parent taxi not to be too onerous.

I was in private for secondary and my DB who is younger from 8, as we moved to prep/secondary at the same time.

• I don't see the need as the state schools in this country are generally excellent and you can usually find one reasonably close by (maybe not if you live in London or somewhere else under more pressure).
• There are actually no private schools even vaguely near us for primary (there are some secondary schools within commuting distance but they are mainly boarding schools).
• I am not sure that either "small and friendly, emphasis on lovely behaviour" or "large and academic, emphasis on strict" would suit my DC1 who has just started Reception, and those are the private options a bit further from us.

Alpaca so sorry to hear about your brother.

I think private schools are terrible for society and actually quite immoral, hence would be a hideous hypocrite if I sent my own children to one!

I think there are a wide range of private schools, I've just been looking, DS is at a lovely pre-prep which suits him, as the outstanding state primary up the road was completely unsuitable for him. However DD is doing assessments in January for the 4+ and I've been shocked at people saying she should be taken out of nursery to be tutored. She is 4 FFS, she is bright, articulate and lovely and frankly if those hothouse schools don't want her, I don't care, I don't want them. My son's school isn't at all flashy but DH who went to a well known public school said it was very flashy back in the day, in the 80s but he loved the teaching.

We could afford it, but choose to prioritise work/life balance.

I hated my private school as it alienated me from local children ("too posh") but I didn't fit in with my peers at school either ("not posh enough"). I ended up with a very skewed view of the world.

DH is totally anti-private education (he didn't go) and I genuinely can't see that private education represents value for money.

I don't think its just a question of private schools being cheaper back in the day. It's also a case of what you do with the money. In the 80s you could spend all your money on a private school and then let your child loose on the world. Now that money could be used for your child to emerge from Uni debt-free and/or have a decent deposit for their own property.

Leaving politics aside, wouldn't have chosen private over our good state school for this reason. Nothing that school could have given her would have equalled the benefit of having your own property versus seeing most of your salary go on rent.

I do think that private schools used to be within reach of middle earners - I went to a very academic private school (usually in the top 10 in the country) and there were lots of pupils whose parents were teachers, nurses etc. I was chatting to a friend who's a GP who said there's no way she could send future DC to a private school unless she marries a very high earner (lives in London so property prices are crazy and she has very little left to play with each month and shares a flat with her sister) With DH earning just below the level for paying higher rate tax, we couldn't possibly afford to send our children to private school unless they had a substantial bursary.
I really enjoyed my secondary school and all the fab extra curricular stuff on offer, the high standard of music/ drama/ sport etc and wish I could offer my children the same but I think it's really only doable if you have two HRT payers working full time or one seriously high earner now.

I went private all the way through, DH went just at secondary. Ours were at private Prep and state secondary. The main reason is because it's a fabulous school and I simply can't see where my extra £20k per year per child would go which would make it worth the money. Most of the private secondaries around here are single sex and I'm a big fan of co-ed schools and would be very reluctant to go down that route too. We are extremely comfortable with our decisions. As we could afford private there's always the option to move them back if we think it will benefit them but at the moment there's no need to.

I can't afford it.

I didn't fit in anywhere as a child.

We lived on a rough council estate (my parents ran a business but all the money went to my education).

I was too poor for the children at my school who lived in HUGE houses, had all the latest gadgets and went to Disneyland regularly.

I was too 'posh' and an outcast on my council estate.

It was fucking horrible.

We couldn't afford it. If fees were comparable with when I went, we could, but we would both have to work full time. I desperately wanted a little more slack in my parent's schedules when I was a teenager so probably wouldn't even if the fees were 'affordable'. I also love how connected with the community my children feel. Every walking to school together and playing with friends on the walk home is so much nicer than everyone going off to a car or bus.

However, we live in an area with good state schools so maybe I'd think differently elsewhere.

dh went to a private secondary on a bursary

I grew up abroad so not really comparable- almost everyone went to state comprehensives

neither situation is exactly relevant to our dc

neither of them would have been in the running for a bursary, money did not allow and all their friends went to state school

basically, they are not dh and their lives are not his

he seems pretty relaxed about that

I was mainly privately educated but DH was not. I never fitted in, but mainly as I went to so many schools as my parents situation changed and we moved around.

As a consequence, what is far more important to me for my children is stability, rather than a private education. My DS is at a fantastic state SS, and is heavily involved in sport outside school, although there are many other sporting opportunities available at his school. DD is at state primary, and will go to state secondary, also has many music opps outside school (plays three instruments, in two bands). As far as I can see, it's a bit more work and effort extra curricular wise if they aren't in private, but that's nearly the only advantage I can see.

I also like that my DC will have been schooled with a wide variety of people, that they will then come into contact with in The Big Wide World. I remember going from boarding school to the local comp at 14 and being seriously terrified about being beaten up for being posh.

I was the only person in my quite large town who went to my school in the neighbouring City. It was very very lonely in the holidays which were also very long.
My brothers went to the local secondary and have done as well, if not better, than I have in their exams and careers.
Also it's out of the question - fees are much more expensive now, even allowing for inflation.

We were both privately educated and both loved our schools. However, I don't think the difference between a decent state school and a private school is worth the fees. I'd rather pay for extracurricular activities, go on fantastic holidays around the world, save up for university costs + deposit on the first property. Luckily, we are not particularly status conscious either so that helps. The only thing that would change my mind would be going from high to silly money income where the fees are barely noticeable- unlikely to happen.

Jojo, are you me? That's exactly my reasoning.

But I also have moral objections to selective schooling so wouldn't send my children to private schools even if I had silly money.

Lol Gubbins, I imagine it's probably what a lot of people think. 30 years ago, university was free, property cheap and school fees tax deductible (or something along those lines). These days, things are very different and people prioritise accordingly.

Might have been able to stretch to paying fees for one but not two.

However went to a private boarding school and still resent my parents not only sending me there but for making me stay for sixth form. I wa safr more suited to college.

Also as others have said the not fitting in with the local community during holidays

Interesting article on the subject:

www.spectator.co.uk/2016/10/sorry-shami-chakrabarti-but-those-school-fees-are-a-waste-of-money/

I went private, boarded etc like everyone in my entire family ever had done. But I married a grammar school boy, the first in his family to go to uni ever, now a teacher in the state sector. I was made redundant while on mat leave and never returned to my high flying career.... He's now ex DH but ideologically opposed to private schools and they are not within either of our financial reach. I'm lucky there's a great secondary up the road that ds1 started at in Sept - lucky as had I not bought my house many moons ago I'd never be able to afford to live in catchment for it. People round here actually choose between moving into the catchment or paying private school fees.... Ridiculous state of affairs. Makes a mockery of comprehensive education, when its based on house prices IMHO. I am happy with the school for DS but befuddled by the logistics of games kit and homework when my own experience was based in living at school! Love that DS lives at home but I was a very happy boarder so sometimes think my kids are missing out by not boarding!