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Original poster

Bullying advice ---bit long ---sorry

26 replies

Gill89 · 07/02/2007 18:36

Hi
I could really do with your advice as I don't know what to do next.

My DD had incidents of bullying around October time; I talked to the class taecher who dealt with it fairly well and it sort of stopped. I spoke to the mum of the main girl(will call her XXX ---she has been a friend of DD's since Reception) as i know her well enough and things improved. but didn't go back to normal ...minor incidents are the norm eg. they don't wait for DD but run away and hide (they are Y6 btw).
since Christmas things have gone down hill in a big way. XXX is manipulative and the other girls follow her lead and take her side.
i spoke to the classtaecher about it 2 weeks ago and she rang XXX's mum who said she would talk to XXX about it. the nastiness has stopped but XXX is completely blanking DD. e.g. DD says something to her and DD says XXX reacts as tho' no one has spoken at all. DD greets her if they pass, XXX has (according to DD) put on her "I am ignoring you face" and walked passed silently.

my friend's DD ( YYY) has mainly stuck by DD but doesn't have the confidence to stand up to XXX
this changed yesterday ...the taecher spoke to DD about a piece of work and told her the mark she got for it. when she went outside XXX and YYY wanted to know what the teacher wanted - DD told them then she says that XXX and YYY spent the rest of break time telling DD that it wasn't fair that she knew her mark before they knew theirs and asking why she knew it...on and on so much that DD went into school in tears, told the class taecher what had happened, she sent DD to the loo to dry her tears and spoke to XXX and YYY. she sent them both to apologise which YYY did but XXX did not.
i spoke to my friend later and she made it very clear that she was NOT plaesed that her DD (YYY) had got into trouble for doing nothing and was very upset about it. friend also said that the teacher was in the wrong for telling my DD her mark before she told the others ( but imo this is not my DD's fault) Friend said her DD had only asked my DD once about it and DD was wrong to go to the teacher. she kind of implied that maybe DD was lying about other things if she had lied about this. then we kind of agreed to disagree about it, altho' friend did say that she was becoming tired of listening to it all.
today both XXX and YYY have ignored/blanked DD other than when they were on their way into school - DD told them that her ad had told her that the temperature on his way home from work was -5; YYY apparently argued with DD saying that DH was wrong it was not -5 etc etc.
All very petty i know but it is upsetting DD beyond belief.

if you are still here THANK YOU for reading my witterings. the QUESTION is
-do i speak to the school again OR
-do i speak to XXX's mum as this was effective last time OR
-do I do nothing?

DD is slowly changing into a girl i don't recognise; thnak goodness she isn't bottling all of this up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gill89 · 07/02/2007 18:37

omg---that is very very long

SORRY but i need help

OP posts:
lurkylou · 07/02/2007 18:42

concentrate on improving DDs self confidence and ignore the others.

Original poster
Gill89 · 07/02/2007 18:45

LL - before all this started she was brimming with self-confidence and in the sole comapny of adults still is. but she no longer has any amongst children.

OP posts:
edam · 07/02/2007 18:54

Poor dd. If I were you, I'd look up the Kidscape website and get some info on how to handle this kind of behaviour. And yes, I would talk to the teacher about it again, and see if she has any bright ideas about boosting dd's confidence, tackling ZZZ and making sure everyone knows excluding other children is wrong.

Perigrine · 07/02/2007 18:58

How old is your DD?

Think that YYY mother is out of order for trying to blame your DD!

VioletBaudelaire · 07/02/2007 19:02

Agree with contacting Kidscape.
From your OP I would suggest that your DD needs some different friends.
Try making lots of social opportunities with other children eg: inviting them round for tea, suggesting your family goes to the cinema with other families etc.
I think once these other girls realise they have little hold over your DD, and that she has other friends, they will lose interest in teasing her and being mean.
I would recommend putting your concerns in writing to the school, and asking them to keep a close eye on the situation.
I hope your DD is soon feeling happier.

GhostOfMumsnet · 07/02/2007 19:02

I would speak to the school. If the main place for the bullying is at school you should let them know. If they dealt with it last time they will again. It's actually very hard for schools to completely get rid of it but if they are aware of individual problems they can keep an eye on things.

I wouldn't approach the parent again unless things start to happen outside of school.

Write everything down. Take a note of where and when things happen. Note down if there were any witnesses and what happened about the incident ie. was an adult told at school, what did they do about it. Take the facts then ignore it. It's just a record for the future and to help you remember incidents. If you phone the school about it writen down who you spoke to and what was said and what they said they would do.

Get your dd to talk to you about good things that happened at school each day and talk more about them than the bullying. Don't let her see that you are revolving around the bad stuff.

Does she have other friends she could invite round to the house?

Hope any of this has been helpful. Thinking of you dd.

GhostOfMumsnet · 07/02/2007 19:02

should've been

your dd!

VioletBaudelaire · 07/02/2007 19:03

Also, would your DD consider taking up a new hobby such as drama or martial arts. Great for building self confidence, and for meeting children from other backgrounds ie: not just her school mates.

Original poster
Gill89 · 07/02/2007 19:08

She is 10 and in year 6.
There aren't many girls in her year and they are in well-established friendship groups; as was DD until this. The other groups are very hard to break into.
Half term is coming up and I am going to try and arrange to meet up with other friends to help boost her confidence.
I really must write things down as I do tend to forget then get bogged down trying to remember iyswim. If I wrote it down I could then do as you advise and forget about it.
I will try and talk to the teacher tomorrow. I really need to do something to help her because atm neither of us is sleeping very well.

OP posts:
pianist · 07/02/2007 19:10

Oh God, I really sympathise. If possible, don't contact the school unless something else happens. I know it isn't fair to let XXX get away with it, but often with schools it pays NOT to make too big an issue of it. Obviously you need to stick up for your child, but you need to try not to make things worse (please don't think I'm taking their side).
Definitely advise keeping a diary of everything that happens.
Good luck.

Original poster
Gill89 · 07/02/2007 19:12

In isolation the incidents are so trivial but there are so many of them daily.
Should I write each one down?

OP posts:
pianist · 07/02/2007 19:13

Absolutely.

GhostOfMumsnet · 07/02/2007 19:14

Yes I would. It's your best record of events.

Original poster
Gill89 · 07/02/2007 19:15

Thnaks - I will start it from this week. As I can remember everything.

OP posts:
GhostOfMumsnet · 07/02/2007 19:18

At the very least writing it down will give you a release and some sort of control.

Please remember, and I'm not condoning anything, but at 10 girls can begin to get bitchy (because of hormones I think). It could get better when you least expect it.

I hate bullying and hope that you get all this sorted soon, for both your sakes!

pianist · 07/02/2007 19:19

ditto!

Bobalina · 07/02/2007 19:24

I was your dd, some 20years ago. The thing about making other friends outside of school is so important. It helped me a great deal. My mother didn't go into the school that much to speak to the teachers as she felt it would make things worse. With hindsight, she couldn't have been more wrong. I think her inactivity ate away at my self confidence even more. It was as if I felt I wasn't worth the trouble.

Keep on at the school. Show your daughter that you BOTH will not tolerate this. Make home a happy place and open the door to new friends. Good luck, all the very best.

Original poster
Gill89 · 07/02/2007 21:09

Thank you all so much.
I feel much better than I did when I started writing this.
I will keep you informed.

OP posts:
Freckle · 07/02/2007 21:43

Get your dd to write a bullying diary - when she gets home, not in school as things happen. Ask to see the school's anti-bullying policy - tends to make the school sit up and take notice.

Do contact Kidscape or just visit their website, which has loads of useful information.

Have you thought about inviting YYY round over half-term? You said she pretty much supported your dd until recently. Perhaps she just needs a nudge in the right direction again.

Original poster
Gill89 · 09/02/2007 11:17

Oh no - everyone is beginning to make me think that dd is either lying or being over-sensitive.

I talked to the classteacher who went along the over-sensitive route and 'there's not much more i can do'. I told her that I wasn't happy about this so the head is going to ring me today.

OP posts:
Tortington · 09/02/2007 11:26

i was your child also. i have uch sypathy i think that the massive effect of phycholical abuse by other children ( usually girls) in school is under rated

however

you cant force people to be her friend. if she goes home and tells her mum and her mum says " just ignore her completely - just keep away from her if your getting into trouble"

and the other kid does exactly that - then who is wrong?

i have no solution - but i dont think its the schools fault. if your child hasn't got a social circle its something you need to address as a mother.

Jimjams2 · 09/02/2007 11:31

Agree with custy. Encourage her to make other friends. Girls can be very cliquey and if I remember correctly from my own school days switch allegiances every 5 minutes anyway. Try to teach her to walk away and do something else find someone else to play with if they start being silly.

Out of school clubs are a good idea.

mumblechum · 09/02/2007 11:43

I have something vaguely similar with my ds who's in Y7 and still hasn't made any really good friends. We've now had 5 boys round either for tea or to cinema etc and return invites are v. thin on the ground, and my ds says although they're not nasty to him, they just don't seem interested in making strong friendships with him.

He still sees his primary school friends a lot (they're all at a different school, he's at the grammar), and other kids through sea cadets etc and those other kids are really a Godsend. Without non-school friends it would be very easy to feel rejected and hurt. Well, it does now, but nowhere near as bad as if the only friends available were classmates.

Remember also that she's half way through Y6 now so she'll be in a totally different social circle in September anyway.

I wouldn't keep pestering the school or the other parents about it if it's just a matter of them ignoring her. As others have said, you can't force kids to be friends with your daughter, and trying to will only push them away, imo.

Original poster
Gill89 · 09/02/2007 12:38

Thanks for the replies and I am glad I raed them before the Head rings.

She does do quite a few activities out of school; Guides, orchestra, swimming and tennis altho' the first 2 are with people from school.
She gets on very well with the girls at swimming but we don't see them at other times, maybe I could suggest something at half term.
I will look for other things to get involved with too.
DH keeps talking about how she will be in a differnt circle in september at seconadry svhool but I don't want to count on that as everyone from her current class will be going to the same secondary school and if DD has a problem (rather than the others) then it needs to be sorted out before Septmeber.

Cor, I thought that baby days and todder days were hard ...they were a breeze!

Thanks for your help, I appreciate it.

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