Bullying advice ---bit long ---sorry

[Gill89]

Hi
I could really do with your advice as I don't know what to do next.

My DD had incidents of bullying around October time; I talked to the class taecher who dealt with it fairly well and it sort of stopped. I spoke to the mum of the main girl(will call her XXX ---she has been a friend of DD's since Reception) as i know her well enough and things improved. but didn't go back to normal ...minor incidents are the norm eg. they don't wait for DD but run away and hide (they are Y6 btw).
since Christmas things have gone down hill in a big way. XXX is manipulative and the other girls follow her lead and take her side.
i spoke to the classtaecher about it 2 weeks ago and she rang XXX's mum who said she would talk to XXX about it. the nastiness has stopped but XXX is completely blanking DD. e.g. DD says something to her and DD says XXX reacts as tho' no one has spoken at all. DD greets her if they pass, XXX has (according to DD) put on her "I am ignoring you face" and walked passed silently.

my friend's DD ( YYY) has mainly stuck by DD but doesn't have the confidence to stand up to XXX
this changed yesterday ...the taecher spoke to DD about a piece of work and told her the mark she got for it. when she went outside XXX and YYY wanted to know what the teacher wanted - DD told them then she says that XXX and YYY spent the rest of break time telling DD that it wasn't fair that she knew her mark before they knew theirs and asking why she knew it...on and on so much that DD went into school in tears, told the class taecher what had happened, she sent DD to the loo to dry her tears and spoke to XXX and YYY. she sent them both to apologise which YYY did but XXX did not.
i spoke to my friend later and she made it very clear that she was NOT plaesed that her DD (YYY) had got into trouble for doing nothing and was very upset about it. friend also said that the teacher was in the wrong for telling my DD her mark before she told the others ( but imo this is not my DD's fault) Friend said her DD had only asked my DD once about it and DD was wrong to go to the teacher. she kind of implied that maybe DD was lying about other things if she had lied about this. then we kind of agreed to disagree about it, altho' friend did say that she was becoming tired of listening to it all.
today both XXX and YYY have ignored/blanked DD other than when they were on their way into school - DD told them that her ad had told her that the temperature on his way home from work was -5; YYY apparently argued with DD saying that DH was wrong it was not -5 etc etc.
All very petty i know but it is upsetting DD beyond belief.

if you are still here THANK YOU for reading my witterings. the QUESTION is
-do i speak to the school again OR
-do i speak to XXX's mum as this was effective last time OR
-do I do nothing?

DD is slowly changing into a girl i don't recognise; thnak goodness she isn't bottling all of this up.

I have been on both sides of this problem - and would recommend working with the school. I can see that it might be difficult if the class teacher is not on side but she ought to be - the pastoral welfare of the class is her responsibility.

The most important lesson I drew from my experiences was to avoid ascribing intent to other people ie do not allow comments such as "they are being mean" or "they are bullying". This merely serves to raise the temperature of the discussion. If you focus on the behaviour and how your daughter is feeling it is much easier for the school I think.

When I was in your position I took the line that dd1 was not happy and not enjoying school - I wanted to understand why not and as I wasn't there to see it I needed the teacher to help me. I acknowledged that dd1 might be oversensitive and see offence where none was intended but I could not help her overcome this on my own and needed the teacher's help. In my case the teacher understood exactly what was required and the girls concerned all agreed that no-one had meant to upset anyone and it was all a result of misunderstanding. I'm not completely sure that the girls were all that innocent but the problem is resolved and the teacher is aware that my dd is sensitive to these things and that this needs to be taken into account when dealing with what might to other people be minor things. The other girls also know that if they do cause upset, the "we didn't realise it would upset her" argument is not valid - and I think they are old enough to understand this - they are yr7. This was about a month ago and so far everyhting is fine but I wouldn't hesitate to contact the teacher if I felt it necessary again - it's her problem as much as dds or mine.

On the other side, I was really shocked when I was telephoned by school regarding dd3 and her behaviour. She was part of a group of girls and one of them had been increasingly left out of things or ignored. I think it had almost certainly started as a bit of fun but had got out of hand. The school had dealt with it and we reinforced the message at home - that the behaviour was unpleasant and unacceptable and there was no excuse and no discussion. She was a bit subdued for a few days, as were the others in the group, but within a week it was all over and they were friends again. This was last year and there's been no recurrence. They were in yr 2 at the time.

I hope you are able to resolve your situation as quickly as possible.

Good luck