Support Thread for Boarders no2

[gillybeanz]

couldn't find the other thread, so long since it was used.
Just thought I'd start a new one for us oldies and so newbies could join if they wished.

Well looks like it's back to the labelling again, just as therapeutic as last year but not nearly as much
Just started the long haul of washing, ironing and packing.
Not helped by dd who keeps taking things off the pile to wear now.
She is back on the 4th, quite early for boarders, I believe.
So hoping you had a good holiday and not too upset they are returning to school soon

So ... I was on the old boarders thread and wasn't really intending to repeat myself here.

But I just wanted to say how sorry I am that so many of you seem to be dealing with homesickness. It's almost ... perplexing.

I do know, personally, how acute homesickness feels - it's horrendous. But it's not something I ever suffered from at school - though I loved home and my family.

And, so far, touching wood and genuflecting in the direction of any vaguely interested gods, it's not something that has afflicted the current teen in the family. (Full boarder since halfway through Prep, now well established at senior school.)

I know sickness runs through a Prep like a dedicated running thing. It's not at all unusual for new children especially to throw up an entire summer holiday's worth of compressed excitement and anxiety over the first few days at a new school.

But major homesickness didn't seem to be a general issue. (I would know - my questioning and observation of boy and staff has been forensic.)

I'm perfectly sure everyone on this thread has ensured that their child is thoroughly prepared, has discussed every eventuality, ensured that they have plenty of sleepover/ staying with grandparents/ day school overnight trips before they start boarding. And yet ...

I can see that as boarding has become so much less ... familiar to most people it may be that today's boarders just haven't grown up with much understanding of it as - I don't know the right word. They haven't seen it modelled as easy and fun?

Are you all just less happy about the choice yourselves and communicating that to them?

Or is it just that my own family have been unnaturally and unwittingly hard-hearted over two or three generations?

That's good that in time he should settle encourage lots of clubs to keep his mind active etc.

Jayne yes it could be the same school!

Kingfisher cross fingers he will settle soon, it sounds like school have everything in hand.

Gruach interesting question- we have no doubts about the school whatsoever, and yet I suppose it is a big thing to send your 11 year old off for weeks at a time. And it's true that boarding is much less common nowadays- none of DS's (admittedly tiny) class have gone down the boarding route, and none of our friends have chosen boarding for their children. So although DH boarded, as did all his father's side of the family, our knowledge of boarding life is all at least 30 years old.

Grauch - we haven't boarded in our household before although DH private day. The majority of DS's friends have gone boarding many full and the rest a mix of weekly and flexi.

his isn't an issue of homesickness as far as I can tell - and I also forensically assess all answers, questions etc .... however he does get an excitable tummy - whether its getting up early to go on holiday or after a sleepover with friends so I should have expected it really.....

Thanks for all support from everyone else. he felt a bit iffy this morning but we pushed him through it and he perked up in the car and was raring to go by the time we got to school. He's in the rugby A team and DH is going to watch him this pm and then get him home afterwards

Starting boarding is a big exciting adventure and can cause quite an adrenaline rush, which can cause some people to feel nauseous I believe. I hope your DS will feel better as he settles down.

My DS has just started his fifth (and last) year as a boarder. I asked him the other day if he had ever felt homesick, and he said only once. It was during the first week of big school, and he had been very busy and over-excited about it all. Also, he had started boarding at 12, at a school he was familiar with, and moved up at 13. It can take a bit longer to adjust at 11.

Now he is in the top year, his job is looking after the newbs, and keeping an eye out for signs of unhappiness, but he said that they are all doing fine so far.

Can I ask for some reassurance please? We live overseas and have planned, along with her very positive input, to send DD12 to board for a while. She went off early September to a state boarding school and had a total nightmare, as did we: safeguarding issues, no pastoral care - a list of concerns a mile long. She was desperately unhappy and we were very concerned about her safety so pulled her out after a week. Since then she's had a day and night at a new school: we are waiting to hear if they will offer her a place. She had been upset at the new boarding house on the trial night but seemed to get over it.
When I spoke to her yesterday she was all happy - seemed pretty calm about the whole thing and said that she'd enjoyed it. But I wake up this morning (am many hours ahead of the U.K.) to yet more messages saying "I can't do it, you can't make me, I truly hate it etc etc". Which is obviously all worse when you see it written down.
I reckon that - we think the new school is fabulous and would have no concerns about her there, and so (assuming she gets a place), that we just need to get on with it. Or I am a totally heartless parent in doing this? Bringing her back her is a difficult option: her old school is full in Y7 as are virtually all other secondary schools here.
Help!

If I understand you correctly bubble, both the state boarding school and the new school are in the country you live in?

You may need to be more specific so that people familiar with your local schools can comment.

Hi Gruach - no, both schools are where 'home' is, so to speak and neither school is far from all my family, who are all endlessly supportive. Clearly boarding is a massive decision and not one we have taken lightly, but in DDs best interests and with her full support and enthusiasm.
I just am struggling with the sad messages and I suppose am just looking for reassurance that, all being well, it will all turn out well in the end!

Ah ok.

Yes, but. (And this is a boarding school support thread so I'm obviously not suggesting you need to justify your decision.) It doesn't actually sound as if she wants to board. Perhaps she liked the idea in theory but ...

You say there were safeguarding issues at the first school? That's pretty serious - were other parents alarmed? (Perhaps you weren't there long enough to find out?) Were you able to address all the issues raised and ensure they wouldn't arise at the newer school?

Why was she upset at/about the boarding house? You have (forgive me) suggested a picture of a somewhat ... indulged child not properly prepared for community life in a boarding school - but that may be a completely mistaken impression!

If she isn't going to like any boarding school then she can't board.

You need to talk to the houseparent and/or matron who are in charge of your daughter's care. This will give you a better idea of what is going on.

Full boarding can be very tough sometimes, even for the most resilient child, and it can take time to adapt to it. It would be wrong to force your DD to stick with it if she is very unhappy, however, just because the alternative is difficult.

Speak to the school, they will have seen it all before and are really the only ones who can advise you what to do for the best.

Hello can I join in this thread please?
My DD started boarding this term aged 14.. She couldn't wait to go and was desperate to go this school and got a scholarship. We weren't allowed to see her for 3 weeks. She came home this weekend and spent most of it sobbing and couldn't stop crying but didn't know why she is so upset as she as she loves her new school. This very unlike her.

I have no experience of boarding and am finding it just awful but really want DD to be happy. I tried to contact the House Mistress today to talk about it. I just needed reassurance that DD was OK. I have been told I can't talk to her until tomorrow. Feel really awful. Please can someone reassure me that this gets easier?

It will get better for almost everybody but it is miserable when you are n't sure whether she is happy. Could she not articulate why she was in tears this weekend?
After the first three weeks the new pupils are usually exhausted so that may have contributed. Also although she may like the school it probably does n't feel as though she can completely relax there yet so the tears during weekend home could well be due a release of tension. Excitement of the start at her school now has to develop to being comfortable and happy in her new routine and with her new friends; that can take some time.
You should be able to speak or email communication from somebody like one of the other house tutors or matron at her boarding house today. I would try again rather than worry until tomorrow.

Could she be incredibly tired?
There's one boy in ds's room who keeps the others awake until threeish most nights luckily Ds is ok on minimal sleep, always has been. I would be a mess on such little sleep and would be very emotional even if I were enjoying myself generally. Also just being tense, a lot to take in, can help contribute to tears in my experience.

Ds is doing ok. He's a bit spaced, possibly tiredness but he seems to be enjoying it. I drove him back after exeat and he announced halfway there that he had left his work on his desk at home even after constant reminders. We then arrived at the school to discover he couldn't remember the code to get in nor did he have his keything. Apparently he keeps the key attached to his tie and at first he thought his tie was in the pocket of the trousers he wore home, then suggested he had left it at home (so I rang dh) and then finally decided he had left it with jacket in the prep room. So we stood outside for ages until finally someone else showed up. They typed the code in and we legged it in after them. I then found the keything in his trouser pocket so we had it all the time and his tie was on his desk. I did feel better when I was told that the boy we had followed in used his code because he had lost his keything completely. I despair though, Ds may be academically very able but absolutely no common sense. Even if that common sense is just to tell him to look like he cares. I posted his work to him and it arrived in time. Part of me hope it wouldn't, consequences and all that.
Sorry am rambling...

That reminds me of the time DS returned to his house one time, and found all the newbs clustered outside because they had forgotten the code. Only one of them remembered it, and was offering to sell it to the others for £5 (grin)!

Mostly placemarking.

DS has gone from part boarding very close to home to full boarding 100 miles away. Lots of wobbles in first couple of weeks, then seemed to settle. Incredibly tired when he came home for Exeat last weekend, and a little bit wobbly immediately after he went back.

Does anyone have any good suggestions for small nonsense things that aren't chocolate to send in the post? My lovely SIL sent him a "care package" (she is American) of a tin of chocolate cake, so he is more than adequately supplied, but I would like him to be getting reasonably regular snail mail without accumulating too much junk.

I've been trying to think of similar ideas. Only managed to come up with books. He gets through a lot so cheap, second hand books that it won't be the end of the world if he loses.

Books are a good idea, and fairly cheap to post, too. Unfortunately mine is really not, despite everyone's best efforts, much of a read-for-pleasure person, except on holiday. At the moment he is collapsing into bed every night after a frantic round of sport, choir, orchestra, music lessons, scholars activities, house activities..... and the last thing on his mind is reading!

I have found some silly postcards which I will send him (in an envelope) which I think he might like to stick on his wall, and have ordered some prints of a few photos. Beyond that, I may be back to food!

We have hardly sent parcels and post but it is a lovely thing to do. Using Anazon obviously makes it simpler for books etc. My DCs priority would be food (compromise of including some healthy snacks) and some extra cash to go out or share a pizza. Also whatever preferred scheme to be able to download music (that would encourage this to be done legally ).

We used to send hobby related magazines - football, diving, sailing etc which went down well.

But tbh, once they have completed a term or so, they settle in and they really don't need anything any more.

Reading all with interest. DS1 in his first term miles away and seems fairly happy so far.

I seem to have fallen into a pattern of waiting until there is something he actually needs and then sending assorted nonsense along with it - if there is nothing that needs sending, then I will just send a silly postcard. Today's parcel contained replacement laundry net bags (cheap ebay ones turned out to be a false economy) accompanied by some photos, a tiny bar of super-dark chocolate and some of the goodies from the party bags for DD's party, which DS will miss.

I have just sent the first parcel. 3 pots of instant porridge, various sweets and chocolates and a picture from his sister. Seriously impressed that he has remembered to send Daddy a birthday card without any reminder.

I am finding the whole experience really hard.

How is everyone doing?

I just wanted to update and say my DD is very happy at her new school and really enjoying it. She comes home every weekend and we FaceTime most nights. I do find it hard but she really wanted to board. I am feeling rather down having read another very negative thread about boarding and wish I hadn't looked at it.