Help out there for a 7 yr old boy at a lovely school but hates it?

[Clarinet60]

The school is tiny (35 pupils in whole school) and perfect in everything it does, except for one thing. DS has been shouted at for getting sums wrong repeatedly when 'he learnt that last year and should know it'. The wrong thing to say to a boy like him; he has always hated institutions, was terrible at nursery, and now worries at night and sobs in the mornings. He has to be carried in sobbing, even in front of his friends.

I am wondering if there is a programme out there offering coping strategies for children in this situation, or counselling. Moving schools will make it worse, as it's the best school in the area. Home schooling is not an option at this stage, and I would be worried about him missing out on things and regretting it later in life.

(We have informed the teacher, who is also the head, and he seems to be taking things seriously, but DS was deteriorating before the shouting began.)

First he may not have been shouted at. Children make all kinds of things up. Sometimes it's best to believe the teacher not the child.

He may feel that he was told off (rightly or wrongly) but I suspect the problem is that he feels they were right and has had a bit of a crisis of confidence.

I'd say he needs extra tuition to make him confident in his sums. Either you can sit down with him and do some work each evening (create a little worksheet for him to do or you can buy booklets from Smiths) or another adult or, if you don't mind the expense, Kumon maths is really good for instilling the basics. Its boringly repetitive but I firmly believe my son's basic maths skills have benefited from it massively.

I have discussed it with the teacher, xenia. He doesn't hide the fact that he's a shouty person - he's the head and raises his voice all day, but in ds's case, he was frustrated because ds was failing in something fairly basic. He's a nice man - I really like him and there's no way to envisage a better school set up for ds - it's the institution that doesn't suit him. The incident with the sums just happens to have blown the head off a volcano that's been simmering for years.

He does need extra tuition - we are trying that - but hates the whole system now and has done for some time, even when things are going well.

batters, I'm not intersted in league tables. It's the best school because they have a family atmosphere and everything there is nice and the teachers are nice. Not true of the other schools in our area at all - I've researched them. As for learning support available at the school - ha! They are still valiantly battle with the LEA to get funding for ds2 for help with his brain tumour & medication induced inability to concentrate. So no, we have to do it ourselves or go private.

The help I am seeking is some kind of therapy that teaches you to try to come to terms with situations you hate but can't change, because I think this is going to be a life-long problem with him. As I said, it began in nursery. He's a very sensitive and articulate child and I know he's speaking from his heart. In contrast, ds2 loves school, loves being the life & soul and cries when it's the weekend or holidays and he can't go. It's a personality thing.

Batters, your point about how the school would ensure his confidence is restored is a good one, thanks. We left it that school and parents would keep each other informed of developments, and he wouldn't be shouted at again (unless he deserves it). (I think the feedback gave the head a bit of a caution, actually!) But it would be good to get a strategy in place with school. tbe, they have so much on their plate with ds2 and his seizures that I almost hate to burden them further, but I know it's to mutual advantage, so I will.

Thanks 3mum, kumon or booklets might be good.

Droile, rather feebly I haven't got any useful practical suggestions, but just wanted to send good wishes. As parent to over-sensitive 7 year old myself, I sympathise.

Thanks dinosaur.
Does yours have the same problems?

Fortunately, he's never encountered treatment like this at school, but I don't think he would handle it at all well!

I'm a bit puzzled that the school is lovely, the teachers are nice and there's a good family ethos but the head shouted at a sensitive 7 year old who got some sums wrong. And that there's only 35 children in the school, so presumably the classes are tiny, but you're having to consider extra tuition for your ds. Are you sure it's your son who should change or the school? If the Head admits that he's "shouty" it's him who should be getting training/counselling, not your son!

Point taken. There will be care taken not to raise voice unnecessarily with him in future so that is unlikely to happen again but the damage is done now and I want to know how to mend DS.

Classes are tiny, but they still haven't time to go over things again and again and again - which he needs. Because classes are tiny, they have low teacher allocation, so still no time.

Quite, batters. We have had to shelve ds1 issues because of ds2, so I'm anxious to make up the time with him.

I know it sounds mental - they get shouted at and put on the spot, but it's still a lovely school. You'd have to be there to see how lovely it is. I don't think they should put kids on the spot like that, but tbh, I thought all schools did a bit of that. The other schools in our area have unaddressed bullying issues and other problems, so there's no choice. In every other respect (you have to trust me on this!) it's great, and there probably isn't a school in existence that doesn't do something parents don't like.

God Droile, I've welled up reading this as I have a similar problem with ds2 (just turned 9) He hates school, and every day this week we have had tears and tantrums over returning. And like you, home ed not an option as we both have to work. And like you, not sure he'd be happy at any school.

Usually a lurker on here but occasionally post! My ds1 (11) is also very sensitive to being shouted at and the like. I have 2 others dd(13) and ds2(8) who are not in the least bit bothered if it happens to them.
Ds1 went through a phase of being very unhappy at school at a similair age to your ds. It affected homelife for us all so I went to the GP who told us to contact HV.
To cut a long story short we had an 8 week course with the HV where she basically gave ds strategies to cope whenever he felt under pressure.
It made such a difference - he seemed to come to terms with his difficulties and is much happier at home and in school.
I was cynical due to past experience with HVs but this one was superb. We both cried when the sessions finished as they had literally changed our ds' whole life view.

filthyminded vixen, I'm so touched that I've found someone in the same situation at last! (and with such a great name!)
What are we going to do, eh? Like you, I'm sure it's not a phase - I've been shelving it for years hoping it would go away.
He would be great home-edded - it would really suit him as he's always doing his own projects and research. Trouble is, I need to work p/t. Half and half would be great. But I'm not sure I know how to teach anyway.

Last night was really sad - he asked me why he was at the bottom with the people who don't know how to do things. I answered as best I could, but feel really lost with it all. He's bright, that's the saddest part.

Thanks dusty, that's just the sort of help we need. I'll contact our HV and see if she can sort something - luckily, she's lovely. Thanks.

Just to clarify about the school - the things it does well it gets them SO right that we tend to make allowances for the one bad thing. I'm not explaining myself very well........

Droile (I used to be fullmoonfiend but am enjoying this name for a change!)

Mine is dyslexic but it's not as simple as that being the 'reason'. He hated nursery (which had a 'shouty' teacher and lots of rules and regulations. He loved his preschool which was less formal, more learning through play. He dropped out of Beaver scouts because, although he's very socially able on a one-to-one basis, he cannot cope with large groups or shouty adults)
He has a mega-IQ (we discovered when he was tested for dyslexia) but is not academically 'able'.
Like you, if it were only possible for me to have him at home 2 days a week to home-ed him and let school have him the other 3...but we need to work for financial reasons. I had 5 years off work when they were little, but have to earn now.

No-one else I know seems to have this problem either.

I have just finished reading a book called The Highly Sensitive Child, (do a search on here as it has been mentioned a lot on) which was very enlightening and reassuring - in that my son certainly seemed to 'fit' that pattern.
However, it is an American book and her advice that teachers ought to be informed that being Highly Sensitive is as 'real' a problem as, say ADD, didn't feel comfortable to me. I can really imagine that going down like a lead balloon at school...(Guess I'm a little sensitive too.

So, no advice here but LOADS of empathy. And am happy for you to CAT me if you ever want to let off some steamm off board.

Oh dear Droile, I'm so sorry to hear this
You've had excellent advice and tips on here, I hope some of them help.
I can imagine a situation where a ranty, larger-than-life character presides successfully over a happy school, but it's clearly not a suitable approach for many more sensitive and younger children.
Does the Head fully understand the issues with regards to ds2's health and how this might additionally affect ds1?

Hi Marina, I owe you a letter!
That's a good point Batters. One of the great things about the school is how understanding they are about ds2's condition. They are so accommodating and sensitive about it - they bend over backwards for him, they really do. This head actually cried tears at one of our meetings about ds2, and that really touched me. One of their other main concerns was that ds1 wouldn't feel left out of things because of ds2.

One of the things about him is that he isn't a larger than life figure - he's a slight, gentle man. I think he feels he has to raise his voice sometimes to gain authority, and they can be a rowdy group, precisely because the atmosphere is so relaxed. So it's swings & roundabouts.

Doing this furtively at work.
Will be more expansive tonight