Help out there for a 7 yr old boy at a lovely school but hates it?

[Clarinet60]

The school is tiny (35 pupils in whole school) and perfect in everything it does, except for one thing. DS has been shouted at for getting sums wrong repeatedly when 'he learnt that last year and should know it'. The wrong thing to say to a boy like him; he has always hated institutions, was terrible at nursery, and now worries at night and sobs in the mornings. He has to be carried in sobbing, even in front of his friends.

I am wondering if there is a programme out there offering coping strategies for children in this situation, or counselling. Moving schools will make it worse, as it's the best school in the area. Home schooling is not an option at this stage, and I would be worried about him missing out on things and regretting it later in life.

(We have informed the teacher, who is also the head, and he seems to be taking things seriously, but DS was deteriorating before the shouting began.)

I wonder if it was the shouting, or really the realisation on ds's part that he couldn't do these sums and should be able to? Perhaps the problem is that of concentration, related to ds2's health. If so, a change of school would just be more stressful and could well be out of the frying pan ...

A head teacher running a school (no matter how small) and teaching a class is doing a very demanding job. He is clearly an emotional man - doesn't sound very British, is he a Latin type!? What does ds think of him generally, not counting the shouting incident?

Elasticwoman, he is as British as they come, but when you think about it, ds2 is 4 and the head knows that the end of the road may well come while he is still in his care, and that every month counts. He's just a human being, and very 'into' the kids and how they progress. You should see his face after concerts when one of them has given a good recital, coached by him. He's thrilled for them.

I think the realisation that the teacher now knew he couldn't do the sums was horrific for ds1 - he's known himself that he 'can't' yet do them for some time. That & the shouting combined, I think.

BTW, lots of our friends are teachers and all of them shout. (Primary as well as 2ndry). I'm a bit surprised that you're shocked, actually.

I think he was quite shocked, Batters.

ds doesn't like him much, elasticwoman.

Batters, the head may well have been trying to make things as normal as possible for ds despite his brother's situation that he hasn't, previously, made allowances. We come across that a lot in general - people trying hard to make everything seem normal - which is natural, it's hard for other people to know how to act.

Droile, does your ds learn a musical instrument? If not, and if he would like to, this could be enormously beneficial for him for several reasons:-

1. music hath charms to soothe the savage breast

2. every child benefits from a one-to-one relationship with a teacher

3. there is much evidence that learning music improves a child's maths and English skills, and ds might enjoy it more than Kumon maths.

Seven is a good age to start. There is a book by Rudolph Sabor called "How to Do Well in Music Exams" which has a long section on how to choose an instrument for your child in the first place, if you need help on that front.

Thanks elasticwoman. He does guitar and really enjoys it, but I'd forgotten that music can improve maths. That's a good thought.

Does he have one-to-one tuition on guitar?

Sorry to barge in, but just wondered if extra tuition for the maths may not be the right thing. Might make matters worse by reinforcing the fact it's not his strong point? What about maths in disguise, things like out shopping with you, or sorting weights of food packets, working out recipes for fewer or more people? Have heard mixed reports about Kumon, not sure it helps for situations like yours, he may end up feeling just the same as he does at school . Think music thing sounds good, perhaps it will build his confidence by reminding him how good he is at other things.

I think the music lessons idea is a good one, as long as you can find a teacher who is prepared to focus on the enjoyment and stimulation of learning music rather than pushing scales and exams too early.

As a musician I say exams should be optional but not scales.

As a musician, I would say that for a seven year old child who is already having probalems with pressure at school, scales should be entirely optional for at least the first couple of years. It is perfectly possible to teach a child music without rigid exercises at this age, and equally possible to kill any incipient love of music stone dead by using too formulaic an approach.

Horses for courses

Right, thanks.
The guitar tuition is one-to-four.
Ali5, maths in disguise does sound like a good idea. You may be right about extra tuition rubbing it in - I don't know what to think, really.

Well, one-to-one tuition on an instrument outside school is just a suggestion, and only you can decide if it's worth doing in addition or instead of the guitar, if at all.

Have been wondering whether to start piano outside school, but worry that it might be too much. From asking around, private tuition (maths) seems to get great results, so looking into that, and phoning HV tomorrow.

droile - I don't know what the answer is but we have similar with DS#1 who just turned 10. He was a slow starter but was getting there is yr 3 when he finally got some really good results and lots of praise. Yr 4 he had a teacher who was very results driven and could see nothing good about DS . Since then he has struggled with maths, with literacy...with everything. I do feel like despairing sometimes I really do. He'll be going to secondary school in 18months time and I just can't see it working at all.

We do encourage him to do outside activities - he is very physical and hates to be confined - and he is just beginning to get good results at karate. It seems so important for there to be something that he is really good at and gets praise for.

btw - your school sounds wonderful. I was very happy with ours until DS went into yr 4 and now I have some doubts. DD is happy there though.

OrmIrian.
Ours is v physical and hates being confined too. It's amazing how easily their confidence can be shattered, isn't it. I feel for you.

Have app with HV next week, and with friend who does holistic therapies. Feel a bit better that I'm starting to do something about it. Have also got good tutor's number too.

Sympathies, droile. Really hope all your efforts will be rewarded by ds starting to feel better about himself and school. It sounds like you are doing everything right to me. This sounds like the sort of issue the children and adolescent mental health service (camhs) in your area might be able to help with if you can't resolve it with tutors etc. Might be worth asking the health visitor if she can refer you.

Thanks scummy, I'll ask her.