Private school dilemma. WWYD?

[BellaOfTheBalls]

Please go easy on me; first time on this particular area of MN so apologies if I get this all wrong or if this has been done to death.

My DM & DSF have offered to pay the tuition for our two DC's (7y & 4y) to attend a local independent school. The offer has come out of the blue & while it is an incredible offer, has left me with some reservations. Their current school is lovely & we would not be considering moving them otherwise. It has a good Ofsted rating, class sizes below average and good ratio of staff:pupils. However, the area operates a first/middle/high school system, so DS1 would leave prior to the start of year 5. The local middle school is OK, but not brilliant and the high school, although improving, is poor. The system would mean them going from a school of 100 pupils to a school of 500+ at 9 years old which at present I have concerns about. Both DC's are summer born & therefore would only be just 9 at the point of moving up.

DH & I both work & are a middle income household but we are hand to mouth most months & certainly not in a position to pay for an independent/private school. The offer made was that my DM/DSF would pay tuition and we would pay for uniforms etc. These alone will be £500. The school has a strong emphasis on sport and music, neither of which DS1 shows any much aptitude for & DS2 has only been in reception for 5 weeks and therefore has not yet had much opportunity to show much aptitude for anything aside from trying my patience.

Am I right to be concerned that they will always be the poorest children in a rich school? Is this something that occurs? Will they be taunted mercilessly because we don't go skiing at Christmas? Also, on average how much additional costs outside of tuition fees and uniforms do we need to consider?

Thanks in advance.

Tricky. I can answer a few questions from a west London point if view. Uniforms: very often there is a second hand shop. Most of us buy new to begin with and renew in the second hand shop. It won't be £500 every year, and we all buy non logo items from M&S instead of the school supplier. The income of families vary from one extreme to the other, some make tremendous sacrifices to afford the fees, live in tiny rented flat, mum working as a childminder etc. it is not because it is private that it is guarantee to be a better school, read the reports and visit the school. And what about joining when your DCs are due to go to the middle school? Keep them in local primary until then do they make local friends etc?

I wouldn't. They go to a good school - part of the reason that's a good school is that caring, interested and engaged parents send their children there. They fit in nicely; I know people insist this is not the case and in London I see it's partly true, but just the same attending an independent school gives a false impression of wealth and can breed discontentment.

If there's a way to word it tactfully, I'd accept the money in a trust fund for their future - for university perhaps?

I forgot about additional costs: PE kits can be expensive as usually logo, school dinners, before and after school care, and the school trips, usually amazing but unaffordable for most of us :)

Uniform - there may well be a 2nd hand shop which will be amply stocked.
Also, once at school you are likely to find parents keen to give away old stuff.

At DD's secondary I did not need to buy one new item from year 8-11!

Music - it's a bit too soon to know if your seven year old has talent. Please don't write him off. And even with very average talent, these are two areas that bring so much enrichment to any person's life.

As for being the poorest, I doubt it. There will be folk in your position, folk robbing Peter to pay Paul, folk on bursaries.

However, most will be well off it's true. The vast majority will not care about your financial situation.

But yes check out additional costs.

Don't make any assumptions.

At DC's prep the fees included all meals and snacks, all before, lunch time and after school clubs.

School fees rise as they go through the years. Check out the fees for the current sixth formers and check that your Dm and Dsf can afford this plus whatever increases are made by the time your children get to sixth form.

Additional compulsory costs at our DC's school are school meals, PTA, school magazine, hymn books and extra PE costs for senior school pupils.

Wrap around care - breakfast and after-school care is extra, but these are run in a drop in basis, so no need to commit to say a term of breakfast club upfront. Most of the after school clubs are free but some cost a bit extra.

Individual music tuition is extra.

The school make a point of saying they don't charge for stationary, exam fees, books and writing materials, which implies that some private schools do charge for these things.

Re. uniform, there's a second hand uniform shop. We have to buy some things (mainly logoed) from the school, but some stuff (trousers / skirts, shirts) can be bought from the high street / supermarket.

Official school trips are extra too, and there's a steady stream of stuff organised by the PTA that parents / children are invited to attend at a cost. PTA stuff is all optional though.

Each varies as to what is included in main fees. Dc prep included meals, curriculum trips, after school care for younger siblings until elder's finish time, most clubs. Uniform was expensive new but much was generic so could be bought from chain stores with a thriving second hand sale once or twice a term. Blazers were less than a 1/3 of new price. Music lessons etc added up to 10% a term. Unless it is a very exclusive prep you are unlikely to be the worst off or feel as if your dc are losing out. Mind you over the 7 years we were at the school the profile of the parents did shift from middle class 2 income families to yummy sahm with white 4wd/mini/fiat iyswim.

"Am I right to be concerned that they will always be the poorest children in a rich school?"

No. Because once there, they'll look as 'rich' to outsiders as any of their classmates. Who might also have GP help, well-timed inheritance, employer contribution, or some other factor than being 'rich'. And being rich is not a synonym for being rude, sneery or nasty in other ways. You get all sorts in all income brackets.

Hi Bella

We have just moved our dd from state reception to begin private at year one. I posted regarding this back in the summer. Although the school she was in wasn't awful ....it wasn't great....large classes .... Many redundancies of support staff etc.

My main worry was that if she started and loved it ....I wanted to be sure we could financially handle the later years should she wish to stay. This is when it becomes very expensive.

I was reticent at first as we are not huge earners but I can honestly say, although it's early days I feel happy about our choice.

Regarding uniform it's very expensive but the nearly new shop at school is always busy and I've purchased some bargains.

Extra curricular is expensive dd does ballet within the school day. She also has her piano lesson at school. Again very expensive as they get older.

Is there another private school to choose from have you looked around a few?

I wouldn't be worried about other parents but as a PP said, I would want to know that they'll pay the whole way through - at £14k a term x 2 x 10 years ish (assuming they'll pay from year 1 for the 4yo) it's a lot of money.

£14k a year I meant

Concerns about being the poorest pupil etc are not something I'd worry about. You get all sorts in private schools - kids who have genuinely wealthy parents, kids whose GPs are paying the fees (very common that), kids on bursaries, kids whose parents are on a low/average income but make economies to afford the fees.

What would concern me, is if your parents really understand and can commit to the fees for the next 10+ years or so. Have they accounted for inflation? Private school fees tend to go up above the rate of inflation and average fees for day schools have quadrupled since 1990. It's an expensive business and a long term commitment. What if something were to happen to your parents? Would your inheritance cover the fees or would they set up some sort of trust for your DCs in this case? You all need to sit down and talk through the long term finances before you even think about taking up their offer.

I would carefully consider all of the additional costs - it's not just uniform. The school will charge for everything - music lessons, day trips, school camps, science tournaments etc etc etc.

In terms of being the poor children in a rich school, certainly at DD's school, which is considered prestigious (not a stealth boast, to give context), there are many children being funded by grandparents and many parents who are making sacrifices, including us. What I do find however is that you will see more of the very wealthy/confident ones - they will be the ones hosting the morning teas/running the PTA etc. As somebody working, you will be outside of the circle of these "power mums" who don't work, but you will also find that there are very many other mums who do work - lawyers, doctors etc who are great role models.

I have found that despite that some of the very rich families (one mum said she had to sell the yacht, the fees were so onerous!) the majority are just really nice people and the girls are really lovely.

Dd is in a very small setting but I must admit I have found parents really lovely. Far more down to earth than many of the ones I encountered at her state school if I'm honest.

Lots of older parents just like us so we don't feel ancient anymore

I am sure that we are certainly on a far lesser of a financial footing to some of the parents but I've certainly never felt that.

I will be working until I'm 80ish though

We have no financial assistance as as pp have said I would stress the importance of finding out their long term commitment as it will be colossal.

Obviously you may decide not to keep them there if they attend alternative state senior or grammar etc. We are more rural and not in the south. I believe schools in Home Counties and London etc work very differently, where it would be unusual to stay in one setting right through.

What a very generous offer. I would just have a really frank discussion with them.

If dc and you are happy within their current setting I'm really not sure what I would do.

Thank you all for comments; it is reassuring to know I am not the only one who would find this decision difficult.

I think we need to think more about it, and have this discussion prior to DH & I visiting the school. DH is very much sold on the idea, i am less so.

To give context, we are based in South West England, in an area with a number of independent prep/private schools & my DM/DSF are in circles where private education, boarding, live in au pairs etc are very much the norm.

For those that do privately educate & work; how do you manage the holidays?

how do you manage the holidays?

Most private schools run holiday clubs. You pay extra for this.

Hello.

My first post here.

I found this thread because I have a similar situation, just moved to the Yeovil area and ex wants to pay for independent schooling which I'm fine with.

Already looked at some.

But we both work, so asking the schools whether they have any provision. Not quite such a problem as ex's mum could have daughter, except she's not talking to him at the moment because of the break up! Although talks daily to me ... but awkward, didn't want that ??

Appreciate your position Op ....DP and all his family attended boarding school mostly prestigious ones.

I didn't. It's all very new for me.

Dd school runs school care for the first 2 weeks of their 8 week summer break. I think many prep schools have something organised for at least part on hols.

It is also a boarding school and offers very flexible boarding so as she gets older we may need to use this facility for the odd time we are both ex UK.

Have the school any open days coming up. Great to chat to pupils and staff etc.

DC's school has holiday clubs for primary age pupils. But you have to pay extra for these.

My concern would be your reliance on somebody else to foot the bill for the fees and how reliable that would be not whether your DC will be 'poorest' - which I doubt . Also who is choosing the school you or your parents ?

As someone who was a poorer kid at a private school I think you'd be daft to pass up the opportunity.

Manage school hols with holiday camps at school and mix of grandparents/annual leave same as any other working parents.

Music and sport opportunities will be fab - and you have no idea at this age if they would have an aptitude for it or not!

I'd hang fire and see if they'd pay for secondary school.