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Education

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Original poster

Private, state or grammar school?

70 replies

Vb20015 · 06/08/2015 13:06

I'm having real difficulties making a decision about our daughters future.. We live in an area where schools aren't that great. We have one primary school that is outstanding and secondary schools aren't good here.

We could stretch to a private school but this would mean we can only afford one child. I would really like to have another and I'm feeling like if I do, I may be depriving our daughter of the best chance in life. My husband is favourable of private school. We could aim for a grammar school but there is no guarantee of a place regardless of how good her grades are as these places are fiercely fought for and and that point I will be too old to have another baby.

I really need advice please

OP posts:

CityDweller · 06/08/2015 13:08

May not be helpful, but can you move somewhere with better state options?

BertrandRussell · 06/08/2015 13:13

what do you mean by "the schools aren't that great"?

How do you know what they are going to be like when your dd is old enough to go to them?

How can you possibly put private school ahead of a sibling? Imagine the conversations when she asks you why she's an only child!

Original poster

Vb20015 · 06/08/2015 13:14

that would mean uprooting and relocating. sell the house, finding a new one and new job for my husband. I don't mind doing it, it just all has to tie in

OP posts:

Original poster

Vb20015 · 06/08/2015 13:18

the academic attainment levels need improving in areas. the schools are over subscribed and the quality of learning is dependent on the provision.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vb20015 · 06/08/2015 13:23

bertrandrussel it's not about putting private ahead. I'm looking at our options. I don't think it should be assumed that having an only child is a negative thing. she may love being an only child and she may appreciate her prestigious education. or Not. but don't assume

OP posts:

motherinferior · 06/08/2015 13:33

I assume by 'state school' you mean comprehensives - grammars are state schools too...

FWIW my local comps have changed dramatically since my older daughter was in reception. One that was doing really badly is now absolutely excellent. Two others are coasting heavily on their reputations as 'good' but don't have much to substantiate that IMO. Oh, and the one my two attend is inexorably on the rise...so there is such a thing as despairing too early.

BertrandRussell · 06/08/2015 13:36

"the academic attainment levels need improving in areas. the schools are over subscribed and the quality of learning is dependent on the provision."

Sorry- no idea what that means.

And private and prestigious are not synonyms.

Vg20015 · 06/08/2015 13:38

motherinferior there are 200 state grammar schools, one of which is in my area and the rest are private. I know what you mean about how rapidly schools can change. it's a tough one I just want to prepare for the future best I can

CharlesRyder · 06/08/2015 13:41

Controversial as it may be I don't think it's the wrong thing to only have the number of children that you can afford to bring up in the way that you want to- even if that number is one.

We have one by choice and this is a huge factor in it. Not just being able to pay for independent schools but being able to fund him through university, pay for driving lessons for him, help him with the deposit on a house, contribute to his wedding etc. We just couldn't do it the way we want to for two.

However, we are both happy with one and don't feel that 'need' for another. I think it is a very different scenario for you as you do want another. Will you resent your DD if you pay for her education and she doesn't make the most of it (for example)? If I really wanted another I would have one and then do everything I could to support the local school- an academic child will do OK at any school with strong support at home.

Vg20015 · 06/08/2015 13:41

bertrandrussel your comments are argumentative please leave the thread. advice sought only

Heels99 · 06/08/2015 13:44

'Please leave the thread'

Lurkedforever1 · 06/08/2015 13:46

If you've got good primaries then I wouldn't worry about secondary yet. As already said schools can change a lot in a few years. And at reception age it's impossible to know what she's going to need at secondary, a school that's not good for one child can be great for a different child and vice versa.
I also wouldn't base an important decision like whether to have another child on what you've heard about local secondaries.

CarrieLouise25 · 06/08/2015 13:56

Hi OP, personally I think you should have another child, as you might regret not doing so

Private schools aren't the be all and end all, but if you can afford it, then you'd have to do it for both, not one.

If you're happy with one child (as lots of people are) then private. If you want 2 children, then you can try for grammar school. We had the same issue with DS, secondary schools are pretty bad around here. So we worked very hard getting him up to speed at home (his primary school was rubbish too!) and he passed and got in.

Not that we could afford private anyway

I also know a few adults that went private, and their siblings went to a comprehensive, and the comprehensive one's are doing better!

No school is perfect. All children are different. Grammar schools aren't perfect either, but it's the best place for our son, and we know he'll do well because he's happy.

Good luck with your decision x

Vg20015 · 06/08/2015 14:00

charlesryder my husbands views are pretty much the same as yours in terms of what we can provide for one versus 2 children. he worries about university fees and helping her with a deposit for a mortgage one day. and in the world we live in now he just simply can't see anyone setting themselves up in life without our help. my husband was privately educated, an only child and he now has an excellent and well paid career to show for it. he was never lonely as a child as he was a very competitive sports person in his free time. I have a sibling, we fought a lot as children and I had to scrimp and save my way through university which was tough. my husband feels that if mother nature is calling me to be pregnant again it's not a logical reason to have another. he also doesn't want to work until his late 70s and wants to have a comfortable retirement which we may struggle with putting two through university

Vg20015 · 06/08/2015 14:03

thanks carrielouise25

happygardening · 06/08/2015 16:38

OP have DS's currently at both one in state ed (well we're waiting for A2 results) one in a famous boarding school they're nearly at the end of their school careers. Over the year both have been at times in state ed and private ed.
Frankly there is no black and white answer to this. I can tell you from past experience that paying does not always mean it's better or that even if the school you're paying for like DS2's school with all that it offers does it mean it would be the right school for every bright boy. DS1 has been happiest at his very chilled and relaxed large state 6th form college he would have have been miserable at DS2's school.
I personally wouldn't send my child to school till yr 1 but that's a completely different discussion waste my money on school fees at infant level, we always had private education on our radar (we were thinking of changing yr4/5) but it was from yr 2/3 that I realised that DS2's educational needs were not being met in the state sector and probably never would be. By yr2/3 often you have a slightly better idea on what their needs are either how bright or not they are or your original view about how bright or not they are is being confirmed and then it's easier to decide what sort of school might suit them, this maybe state or private.

CityDweller · 06/08/2015 19:54

This is a tough one because, essentially, it's a 'head vs. heart' decision. It sounds like in your heart you want another DC, but logic is telling you it's more sensible to have one. There's really no way to answer such a dilemma. But I personally would be wary of making such a massive decision based on 'logic' that may change between now and DD/DC starting school/ senior school. Local schools may become excellent. You may move anyway for other reasons. It may be that the local comp is the best choice for DD/DC because of their personality/ needs/ talents, the university fee system may change by the time DC get there, etc.

PettsWoodParadise · 06/08/2015 21:20

I understand the dilemma. We have one DD but had hoped for more, they tried to come but they weren't to be so we are happy with our one. I know it sounds bizarre but if we hadn't tried I don't think I'd be so content about that. As this was thrust on us we have been able to make the decisions about private. However having come from a comprehensive background I don't have the pressure or expectation that I might be denying my child something I had but can't give or feel obliged to give - we've just 'gone with the flow' - as DD's needs developed we adjusted to the point that when DH was made redundant we rented out rooms in our house - that lasted three long years - DH is now a stay at home dad and I work FT. I mainly mention that as an unexpected change of circumstances has to also be thought about more so if embarking on the private route. Grammar is also no easy route and no 'choice' - it has to be the right fit and can be a lot of work and angst. The process of applying for grammar can destroy some children and empower others.

I wouldn't ever have chosen private school options over the number of children I could have - my choices have more been as a result and adapted accordingly, but appreciate adapting with one is infinitely less complicated....

Kennington · 06/08/2015 21:33

I feel for you
My parents paid for a flat for me and it meant freedom for me and my education and work and life.
I won't be able to do the same for mine.
As for schools - private isn't everything. I have friends who just paid for 6 th form so this could be an option for you if you want two

BertrandRussell · 06/08/2015 22:20

I am baffled by the thought of making choices about having a baby based on whether you can buy it a flat in 18 years time...

NWgirls · 06/08/2015 22:55

Yes, and also . Have another child if you want one, please! Don't let risk aversion and the desire for educational perfection limit the size of your family. Please allow yourself to hope for a happy future, with or without private education, but with your family complete.

And I agree with happygardening that state primary - at least as Plan A - makes sense. Then fund private secondary if necessary/desireable and feasible - when that time comes.

CamelHump · 07/08/2015 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mani83 · 07/08/2015 21:16

We have only had two children so we can afford private schooling. Education was a big factor with Our decision about how many children we wanted, it is all a personal choice.
I won't have a third child any time soon or at all for that matter, reason being two fees I can pay comfortably after working hard.
Have a look at all options, but choosing one child so you can provide the best is not a bad thing.

mani83 · 07/08/2015 21:17

Ps. Not pointless planning ahead. We chose a bigger house in a not bad area, schools are not the best here but it means I can afford to go private. We made the decision ten years ago and didn't have a child until 7 years ago!

Lurkedforever1 · 07/08/2015 21:36

Planning ahead based on how many children you can afford is sensible, what people are saying is that making plans about your family size based on local secondaries that you won't need for many years isn't a good idea.

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