Thread For Boarders

[morethanpotatoprints]

Just thought I'd start a support thread for those either starting this september or established boarders happy to help those with many queries.

There are quite often individual threads for particular schools but it doesn't necessarily say whether boarding, day, private or state in the title. So I thought this would be a good way of getting us all together and also for those people from overseas looking for particular types of schools.

My dd is starting in sept and will weekly board, atm I am gathering uniform and other essential items and will begin the labelling process soon.
I do quite like this as sad as it seems, I find hand sewing very therapeutic and relaxing for some reason.

Thanks Balletgirlmum

We have agreed to let her stay the weekend before the half term as there is a lot going on the last week, so she can have fun with friends before the holiday.
There are quite a few who come home at weekend and many are day students too.
I suppose at first we just wanted her home to check in with what was going on, which isn't always possible unless they are there iyswim.
Now she's more settled I'm not so bothered with the odd weekend at school.
She said it's a friends birthday party too so doesn't want to miss this.

I just want to say my daughter is now in year 9. It is totally normal for Boarders to ignore you. Both my DH and I write her on whatsapp. To get the occasional K ....We was worried at first but now we know she is just getting on with her life. If you are worried ring the HM.

What we worry about now is subject selection how do you choose?

Thanks Grikes

I have been through subject selection/ options twice before now but it was state schools not independent.
Surprisingly enough though, I'm not sure they get a huge option in either sector when you factor in timetable and which subjects the schools offer.
I let mine choose their own subjects as they could justify each choice.
If it were me I would do the same again and only step in if it seemed they were making a poor choice.
How many do they take at your school? DD will only sit 8/9 whereas her dbs took 11 and 13.

Hi NewLife4Me,

Really pleased to hear that your daughter is getting on well. I just wanted to say that I have experience of that school, via a close family member who boarded from the junior division to the 6th form. Like your daughter they had a good time there in the sense that they were a total music freak and felt that they had found a place among their own kind but, as an adult, they, and many of their contemporaries, do not feel that the school served them well as children rather than musicians.

I believe there are serious concerns about the way the school handles pupils' emotional wellbeing (even if we ignore for now the devastating safeguarding failures of the past, which current senior management is still dismissing as "historic" and has not yet apologised for. The school won't even engage with the victims of convicted sex abusers.)

Many children do thrive there, but the musical talent can make some of those children seem very mature and adult when, in fact, they are often emotionally and socially quite immature and the school does not always remember that they are human beings first and talented musicians only after that. They boast about those alumni who have musical success but refuse to engage with those who have had emotional and other difficulties later in life arising from their time at the school.

Your daughter sounds far more robust than my relative but I would urge you to keep probing away about how she is feeling throughout the whole of her time there and be very alert to any signs of trouble. The school really works best for those children whose parents take their side, rather than accepting the often rather glib assurances offered by the school when problems arise. A musical career can be pursued, particularly in your daughter's instrument, without a need for a specialist music school at secondary level - junior conservatoire pupils who attend at weekends only and do NYO and similar in the holidays are just as successful at music colleges in the long run. So parents shouldn't feel (although many do) that they are held to ransom by the specialist music schools and shouldn't be put off challenging the school for fear of disadvantaging their child. If the boat needs rocking, get in there and rock it. Your child will thank you for it in the long run.

I don't mean to scaremonger and, I would also say that you are very fortunate to have a confident daughter who plays an instrument which is not in one of the historically problematic departments at that school. But I wanted to encourage you, as I'm sure you already plan to do, to keep her talking to you as much as you can and be ready to jump in and fight her corner whenever necessary. Hopefully the need will never arise in her case but it is something I really wish my relative's parents had known at the time and so I wanted to pass it on.

The school tends to inculcate a mindset where your worth as a human being is measured in terms of your musical ability (as determined by the school of course) and it's important that parents ensure that contact with the "real world" is maintained so that, if a performing career doesn't work out for one reason or another (and the reality is that it won't for the majority of these pupils), the child is not left feeling as though they are a "failure".

Best of luck to you and to your daughter!

ps. just to add that my relative now has a career as a solo performer (the only one from their year to do so - despite being seen as very much an also ran musician while at school) in case people think this is sour grapes.....

Equity

Thank you so much for your very good post, I don't think you are scaremongering at all and it's good to get facts from past parents and those with experience.
I am glad you stressed the importance of being on top of things especially emotional.
Every week I tell her if she finds it isn't for her and she is unhappy she can come home and continue H.ed and still keep up with music if she wants, or completely stop also, if she finds this isn't what she wants.
I know that they don't like to discuss the past and just brush it off as historical and I feel this is wrong, but also sympathise as not sure what they can do, apart from help Police with enquiries and be as open as they can. That said some sort of memorial would be fitting, but how do you do this without scaring the younger children?
If anything good has come from the past it is the new improved safe guarding measures that sometimes seem a bit OTT but with the history of the school very understandable.
I'm not sure when your relative left but all the teaching rooms in the new building are glass now and of course the law wrt child protection is exemplary, as it should be. Parents aren't allowed onsite unaccompanied and we only get to take a car inside if we have an arranged appointment and at start and end of school year.
I will certainly keep your comments in mind and thank you so much for sharing. It can't be easy to write such a post to another parent

Thanks for your understanding of the spirit in which my post was intended NewLife. Yes, we came to an alumni event a couple of years back to be shown the new building/arm-twisted into donating towards its construction costs. (Grrrrr)

It is certainly very impressive and I truly hope that your daughter thrives there xxx

You are a lovely person Equity

I think too many parents don't listen to other people and then wonder why it all goes wrong. I have always tried to take on board what people tell me because their experiences are as real as mine.
Please rest assured if it doesn't turn out right she'll be out of their straight away, but for now all seems well.
She is quite robust as grown up with 2 much older brothers and can hold her own. However, I know as she grows out of this phase of tom boy into a young lady there is much to navigate.
I hope you realise I'll pm you if I have concerns now
Thanks again.

An interesting and honest post equity it's always useful to read less positive comments about a school. I personally find endless posts praising a school without acknowledging or considering its weaknesses or any negatives rather odd and makes me think that the person writing them is actually missing something and doesnt actually know the school as well as they think they do. After all no where is perfect. I personally also wouldn't want my DC to attend a school that is wonderful in every way because this does not reflect life, children have to learn to accept and acknowledge that every where has the good, mediocre and bad but that they have to make the best of it. Also as parents if we believe a school to be wonderful in every way then we are in danger of missing problems that can arise because we don't won't to see it.
30 years in the public sector has turned me into a worn out disillusioned and miserable old bitch a pretty good judge of people and situations I'm pretty cynical about institutions in general and I'm also someone who's constantly observing assessing and questioning "What is actually going on here?" "What is the reality behind all the window dressing?"

No problem at all (if I knew how to do the flowers there would be flowers in this space)

flowers are these [] either side the word thanks.

we had ds home for his first long w/end.
he seemed pretty ok about everything which was nice to see. They've all been kept very busy so far I think, but he seems to be coping well. HM and tutor all happy anyway. And another parent said ds had been really nice to her son when the other boy had accidentally broken another boys finger during rugby
neither her son nor my ds are "rugby boys" and I think he was horrified!!! (luckily, ds has got himself into the 7th team so it's not too rough!!)

In fact, I'm seeing him more than I thought I would, as the school seems keen to include parents into the school events.

I'm sure there will be down times as well, but I think he's enjoying it so far.

I hope everyone else is doing good too.

Good to hear, 1805.

That sounds really good 1805 and I like the fact he won't be pushed in Rugby, too much.
I'm sure he'll get down time, I was concerned about this with dd.
She missed several calls from us a couple of weeks ago and said she'd got carried away on the playground they have.
I think it's supposed to be for the younger ones but the older ones seem to like it as much and seem to congregate there.
Not sure what they'll do in winter, maybe games in the common room.
He sounds like a very caring boy, that's so sweet.

You know, I read all these threads which the anti-boarding brigade hijack, and I've come to the conclusion that contrary to what they all go on about, I think you have be pretty confident of your familly's love and trust, and comfortable that your child knows you love them and see boarding school as an opportunity rather than being "sent away". It strikes me that maybe these people don't feel as confident about their unconditional love for their children as people who are happy for their children to board. hmmm just thinking out loud really.

1805

I think you have a very valid point, and because of this unconditional love and security the children feel, they never are sent away. It is a very selfless thing to do for your children.

Very good point 1805. Perhaps there's an unspoken fear of the parent's pre-eminent place in the child's life being supplanted? (All the more so where a person genuinely believes children are sent away for months at a time. )

First leave this weekend!

When I was in my very narrow minded state, to put it politely, for me I suppose it was a question of feeling like parents had relinquished all responsibility. Because I couldn't imagine a single day without my children I thought that anybody else who could must be an uncaring and unloving parent.
It's also a control thing as well, how could anybody not want to control what their children did.
For me it was never jealousy but I think this obviously exists from some of the parents who are just below being able to afford fees.
I think there are a lot of pre conceived ideas about boarding schools, this can't help either.
My dh let rip on a man who posted on one of his friends fb the other night.
He said as a new parent he thought people who sent their children to board were xyz. It's not like dh at all.

Gruach

Hope the free weekend went well. Dd had one as well, but is usually home sat afternoon anyway so we got an extra day

Not long until half term now, does everybody get 2 weeks or nearly?
DD only has 10 days or so as they have music courses to attend.

I can definitely say it went fast NewLife.

Is your DD still keen on full boarding?

(BTW I attended the best jazz concert I've ever been to years ago at her school. Think the UK contingent were alumni, their US musical partners simply terrifying.)

I think the jazz is still as good tbh, some fantastic brass players up thNorth .

Yes, still wanting to fully board, we have come to a compromise.
She is staying this weekend as the start of half term is during the following week and she has rehearsals and concerts. Then if everything is fine with her she can stay other weeks too. Maybe she can fully board when she is older we'll just keep revising the situation.

I needed to know she had settled first, not from a homesick point of view but from a classroom perspective. So when she calls she has to tell me about the academic subjects, not just music. So a few things about what she is doing in each subject, anything coming up etc.

I haven't a clue how she will do and can't wait for the first parent's meeting. As she hasn't been in a classroom situation for 3 years I was a bit apprehensive.

I have found it extremely hard as well, but am coping a bit better now. I don't know how I'd have coped with full boarding from the start and have sympathy for anybody else who finds it/ did find it hard. I know it's just me though as I have issues and baggage unfortunately .

I must add, I'm not sure I'd have coped as well if it wasn't for this thread, it has kept me occupied from my very first thoughts.
Of course all the labelling and tuck box posts helped

You must feel very proud of the confidence and pioneering spirit you've instilled in her NewLife.

grauch

I am proud of her because she takes everything in her stride, huge changes and not be affected.
I am in awe but also aware we need to instil a good ethic towards school work, which I hope will come soon.
However, I take full responsibility for that allowing her to take an autonomous view.
She once told us she didn't need an education apart from Geography, Maths and English.

To find her way to her concert or gig.
To make sure she was paid the right amount
To sign autographs.

I think I read you could study at a RCM with 3 GCSE's and 2 A levels or the equivalents as long as you are a good musician.
She may be fine though, we still have no idea where she is academically.
If I had to guess, as she was during infants she was top half of second table out of 6. That was years ago though

So I am home after spending a few days near DS's school.

He is happy and engaged in lots of the extra-curricular activities at the school. However I think we made the weekend too enjoyable for him as he said it was like a holiday and he didn't want to leave us. That really tugged at my heart strings and made taking him back a teary event for me (hidden from DS of course) but luckily it was dark this time so no-one could see.

Being so close to the school on the day he had to return wasn't pleasant as it seemed we were waiting around feeling pretty horrible instead of enjoying the time together. So next leave weekend things will be changed up a little I think. At least next time we will have time to bring him home for the week so that will be much better.

I thought it would get easier but I'm not sure it will. I'm starting to think it may be best if I just let DH take him back. Or maybe it will feel easier once we move closer as I won't be so far away.

Today is a better day so I know it doesn't last long - I just get back on with everything I have to do for work and decorating the house until next leave.

Please tell me it gets easier?

It's never easy, but I think if you are absolutely sure that you are doing the right thing for your DC, and that they are happy and enjoying their time at school, then that does make it a lot more bearable.

It is still early days, so don't be too hard on yourself. But I'm sure that if you know deep down that this is the best place for your DS, it will get easier.