Please help me mumsnet-even DH asked me to ask! Sor ry Long and fraught

[miggy]

Jeez the stress levels in this house this week have been hideous, just want to go and boil my head really.
DS (13) started his new school (after 8yrs at prep school) in Sept. He is really academic and enthusiastic about all things school related barr sport. He was boarding 3 nights a week.
He hated boarding and said the only good thing about his day was phoning home in the evening. Even days he didnt board were ok but that was all. He had no friends apart from one boy who is leaving at the end of term, and was being bullied in a low key way because he wont break rules/misbehave etc and is a bit of a geek tbh.
So mummy tries to sort things out by arranging to see another school in half term and having him go there for the day. At the weekend we decided that going to the new school was the right option and duly notified everyone.
He wanted to do this week at current school because he is in some house competition final tomorrow.
Basically all the teachers have told him how much they like him and please dont go and all the things they will change to keep him happy and how moving is the wrong answer.Last night at 10.30 DH went and picked him up because he was crying down the phone that he wanted to stay.
Today we kept him off, I was at work this am and DH phoned me to say that they had had long chat etc and DS was happy etc etc. I collected him to take him to new school to get his uniform this afternoon, 2 minutes away from the school he told me that he really didnt want to move and had said he was ok so as not to upset DH (who I admit is biased towards new school). I carried on as planned, got the uniform, we spoke to his housemaster etc. Came home and he is adamant now that he wants to stay and we have had tears, he has emailed his old housemaster to say that he doesnt want to leave and we are making him etc.
I am truely at my wits end. I can see he is sad to leave and he hates letting people down so I think its that but he says he truely believes present school will get better and that he had the wrong attitude etc.
He is due to start new school on Friday, Im worried that if he goes with this attitude that he wont like it or be liked.
DH and I have just filled out all forms for new school and are looking at them trying to decide wheter we rip them up or do we just BE the parents and say no this is the right thing for you.
If you have got to the end of this-you need to answer to make it worth the time spent!

How bad is it if you change your minds - in terms of paying fees etc?

I'm no expert as i only have a 3 yr old! but i'd be inclined to encourage your son to stay at the same school (esp. as he now wants to), as the problems he is having can arise anywhere and settling in anywhere new is always difficult in itself. Staying, coping and dealing with issues he has had a present school will give him far more lifeskills than packing up and starting afresh iykwim.

If you think both schools will be accepting of your decision then i'd go with that. But obviously have long chat with you son saying if this is what you do there is absolutely no changing again.

Meant to say - it certainly sounds as though he will be getting the support he needs if he stays at his present school.

It does sound as though it might be a little premature to move him now. I would say after 8 years in one school 1/2 a term is not long enough to see if it is working out.

Unless you have any reason to doubt the current school, how about leting him stay until Christmas then review the situation. Also does he have to board or could he attend as a day pupil?

If the thing he hates most is the boarding does he have to keep on doing that? Can't he just be a day pupil?

Can't really offer any advice, but he sounds so confused. It seems that the staff at his current school have put some pressure on him to stay, I can't envisage any 13 yr old claiming to have the 'wrong attitude' unless someone puts it in their heads.

Wouldn't it be easier for him to stay at the school but be a day student? It seems from your post that what he finds difficult is to stay overnight rather than the school in general.

However, I understand that sometimes that is not possible or convenient.

maybe if you can bare it then let him see if he can stick with it at school hes still at? if it was me thats what id do, but firmly tell him that if its what he wants then should the situation arises again there is no going back once decisions to move schools are made. im not qualified to answer this, but thats what i think id do... felt i had to post just cos you told me to... lol

Message withdrawn

i would suggest allowing him to maybe stay at his current school as a day student if possible and review at the end of term.

its only another 6 weeks so there will not be too much harm done if he does change his ind again.

I really don't think its worth the stress it wuill cause him to uproot him if he isn't 100% certain. allow the current school this half term to see if they can alter things to make him feel more settled.
im sure the current school will be fine about it and the new school will just have to get on with it, im sure they would understand

It sounds like your son doesn't really know what he wants anymore, as he has had all sorts of pressures exerted on him from his current school.

Perhaps you need to decide for him, and explain that he can trust that you will make the best choice for him, as the choices are certainly confusing for a 13yo.

I have to say that I would probably be swayed by the fact that he was being bullied at the first school, even though you say it was in a low key way. I would also be concerned that his only friend was leaving at the end of term.

Do you think your son would be happier if he didn't board at all, irrespective of which school he attended, and is it possible for him to be a day pupil?

We sort of got pressured into doing it now because new school has 3 places and 4 people who want them so are saying they need a decision now.
The present head suggested staying till xmas which we agreed to, but then changed on monday night because he had been under so much pressure from the teachers to stay that we thought another half term of that would be really hard for him, plus the insecurity would be bad, and at that point we thought he wanted the move.
Odd thing is that we offered the option to not boards at current school in the beginning of the choice making process and he dismissed it. He wants to stay and keep boarding and stay in present house (although head had offered him a move to a different house). I think his present house master has been really influencing him.
Financially would be cheaper to stay, he has a scholarship at present school plus wont lose the terms fees in lieu of notice (although just spent £600 today on new uniform). Present head did very kindly offer that if we let him stay till xmas he would waive the terms notice, but obv if we leave tomorrow (as planned) that wont apply.
God knows what we would say to new school, they have bent over backwards to be helpful.
Thanks for all replies btw-really appreciated, am so immersed in it I cant see the whole picture anymore

Hi miggy
So sorry you're so upset.
I was a boarder for 10 years(10 yrs ago) and IMHO it was the weekly boarders who had the most difficulty settling down. They miss out on things at weekends that the boarders do. Obviously they want to see their M&D at weekends and so they spent their whole school lives looking forward to the weekends, sobbing down the phone etc.
In the meantime, the full boarders who have no one coming to pick them up on Friday are busy toughening up because they have to. They form a clique (which I was in ) of "we're in it together for the long haul..." which may make it harder to make friends.
I def think that half a term isn't long enough to "settle down" and if he hates boarding that much then make him a day pupil but don't take him out after half a term.
I think it will be v hard for him to make friends at the new school coming in after half a term too - won't they all ask why he left the old school?
Is the financial fall out of not sending to the new school hard to bear? Can you ask to reassess after Christmas? I think he needs a bit more time to get used to things.
Sorry if rambly and hope you and DH find a solution.

God loads of posts while I was typing - and sorry MUST go to bed but surely £600 uniform can be taken back/sold on?
GOOD LUCK whatever you decide

I also feel I cant go to anyone for objective advice. Old school say "this is the right place, stay, new school not really that different and not as good as they make out"
New school" We are miles better, this is the right place, lots of other people like him etc"
Bit of a political league table thing as new school are poaching scholar away from old school which is trying to become more academic. I dont know who to trust.
Would go to prev school headmaster but he retired last year.

Sounds like things are beginning to sort out at his old school, and maybe it would be good to let him see that process through and experience smthing bad changing thro actions and becoming positive.
maybe if he moves schoolthis period of his education will hang around in his mind as a 'failure'. I KNOW it's not but things can smtimes feel like that.
How secure do you feel old school can address the issues and give him what he needs/ If they can let him see it thro.

Slightly different slant I'm afraid, but I would be inclined to move him anyway. Although I don't think he had enough time to settle at the old school, it also sound from your previous posts that the school just wasn't right for him, too sporty and not academic enough. If most of the children there are like that, he is going to find it just as difficult to make friends in 6 months time as he is now. My dd2 is at primary school and we moved her in Jan this year, very successfully. She was being bullied at the other school, but having moved her I realise that she really just didn't fit in. Where she is now there are far more like-minded children and she now has some really good friends.
There have also been 3 other children moved from that school to other local schools, 2 of them didn't want to move. They are all very happy where they are now. I appreciate this is 9/10 yr old kids, rather than 13 which brings its own challenges, but just to say it can work very well.
BTW at dds school we made the decision 3 weeks before end of term, but she stayed to finish the term out. When the teachers knew we were looking to change schools they did give her a lot of attention and promises that everything would be alright, until we told them our decision was made and then they were very supportive, trying to make it best for dd2. If your son's teachers really had his best interests at heart, they would try and support him in the decision he had made, not try to change his mind now.
Sorry this is long, but I was going through very similar situation 12 months ago & know how awful it can be.

I think you have to be realistic about the school's motives. If your son is academic, of course they will want him to stay to bolster their academic results. But how they can counteract low-level bullying is beyond me.

If it were me, I would have a serious discussion with ds, remind him of all the reasons he was unhappy and ask why he thinks that they will change. I think he is old enough to take responsibility for his own decisions - I was allowed to choose my senior school when I was 10 and my 6th form too - but I agree with what someone else has said that if he makes a decision, he must also live with the consequences and that needs explaining to him to.

Not very helpful, I know, but I don't think there is a simple answer to this one!

Is there anyone else at his old school you could talk to? After all, they have known him for 8 yrs, and must have an idea of what the senior schools are like.

I'm a bit suspicious of the motives of the teachers at his current school - did they do anything to help him when he was unhappy or are they suddenly putting pressure on him now you've announced he's moving?

I would say move him - the first school IMO are being very unprofessional putting so much pressure on your ds. Even if things will change from the teachers point of view, how will the other children feel if he becomes important to the teachers (to keep him happy) - surely the low level bullying is only going to intensify? And let's be honest teachers can only do so much about that - kids have to deal with a certain amount of it themselves.

Whilst I agree that to stay and overcome advertisity can be great, so can moving on and accepting that things don't always work out first time.

Just think how bad you would feel trusting the existing school only to find it all reverted to the same problems once he had made the decsiosn to stay? Unless somethign specific is going to change then you should stick to your original decision, made in a sensible, considered way, and not under pressure as you are now.

I'm so sorry things have gone pear shaped again after your positive post a few days ago.
For what it's worth, I think your son sounds like the sort of lad who wants to keep everyone happy and he's been put under unreasonable pressure by his current school. If they thought he was that fantastic, why didn't they offer him the support before now?
It's such a very difficult decision to make, but I think if I were in your shoes I'd move him. You didn't think about moving him a couple of weeks ago for the fun of it, you did it because he wasn't happy and I don't see that anything's changed.
It sounds like your son is suffering terribly from wanting to keep people happy and even more so from fear of the unknown. So far as making friends later on into the term is concerned, in a 5 year school career, those 6 weeks won't make any difference. If my own ds (new Year 7) is anything to go by, friendships are still in a state of flux at this stage, not set in concrete.
I really feel for you and ds and hope you let us know what you decide.

Thanks all very much appreciated.
Have had very stressful day not helped by me being out all day on long planned school trip, involving 3 hrs on a coach full of 7yr olds whilst DH dealt with everything with minimal communication via mobile phone.
This morning we both decided to let him stay. On the basis that we started this whole thing because he was unhappy and if going elsewhere was going to make him more unhappy, what would be the point. Were we doing it because WE felt new school was better. Both of us feel that new school would suit him better but its not us who have to go there and if he goes with a miserable attitude, is he ever going to like it?
Then DH spoke to head of new school who reassured him it was just nerves and he made firm decision to move him (3pm) I said I disagreed but agreed to disagree and let him decide because either way one of us would be wrong.
Then when we got back to school after trip (younger children being at school DS left in July)(4.30), went and found one of his favorite teachers from last few yrs to get his point of view, He said dont move him. Picked up phone to tell DH and found a text message from him 5mins before saying DS was staying and he was going over to tell him!
SO DS is not moving, we are about £1000 poorer after uniform and registration fees, potential new school must be seriously peed with us, present school relieved but will mark us down as the parents from hell, plus had the most stressful week of my life.
Feel much better now though and DS is happy

Why is he boarding? Sorry, don't answer if you don't want to!

Curlew-he only boards 2 nights a week because school is quite a distance and in opposite direction to school my younger ones are at. Plus he boarded 2 nights a week out of choice at prev school (as does my 9yr old now- who is begging to be allowed to do more nights!) because its a fun thing to do.
I have given him the option of not boarding, he has also had the option of changing to another boarding house but he wants to stay in present house and continue to board. I think he feels that he needs to make it work and that housemaster has been very helpful in current crisis!
I know he's happy as he is walking around house singing again (although that has a horror all of its own )

I'm glad you've come to a decision...I do wonder though, and obviously you know your son, are all thee options you're giving him actually just making life more stressful for your ds?

I just wonder if his parents had met his worries with a robust "OK, so boarding isn't working at the moment. We're stopping the boarding but we can talk about it next term/year".....

Just being a bit more directive? I'm not usually one for that myself but your son just sounded so mixed up from your descriptions.

Maybe the whole debacle has made him appreciate that it wasn't so bad anyway though? But definitely definitely convey to the school this low-level bullying is going on.....