Schooling dilema

[Brewster]

My son goes to a lovely little infant school but is obviously having to leave and go elsewhere for september.
The school he has been allocated is our first choice and seems lovely and most people you speak to have mostly good things to say about it.
But we have been considering private school that goes all the way to 18. He had an informal assessment this week at a school we thought was amazing and everything we were looking for.
At this assessment day we were a little let down - maybe cos our expectations were too high - we aren't sure. He came out and his first words were that he didn't like it but then as more came out there was lots he did like but it seemed that he wasn't shown the ropes at lunchtime and as a very fussy eater he has based a lot of his negative comments on his dislike of lunch and the fact that he seems to have been left to his own devises through a lot of the day instead of being asked to participate in whatever learning the class was doing.

Now we don't know if we should pay the extortionate fees in the hope that this school really is as good as they made it sound or go to the state school and revisit the private idea for secondary.

We also need to consider that we will be moving our daughter out of her current pre-school as we aren't totally happy with it and it would be easier if they were closer together.
ALSO we are expecting out 3rd baby in september so do we want the added stress of a very long commute to this private school and the stress of the fees all when we have just had a baby?

Need some outside voices of reason please.
Thanks

For a child a lot hinges in lunch. When dd took 11+ exams that was the first point of comparison. Are you sure he was left out all day , it seems unlikely and might be his interpretation . Having said that , you are undertaking so much other change it seems best to set this aside for now and revisit at 11+.

He made some nice friends but he said that at one point he was told to read his book by himself and then another time just told to sit there while they finished something ?!
Hard to say how long each lasted for but also when we went to collect out daughter after break as she spent a little time in the nursery there I spoke to his teach o see how he was getting on and he just said fine.
was expecting a little more and to be told a bit about what he had been up to etc.
I just imagined for those prices we would have been walked through things a bit more and had things be a bit more special you know?!

Think you are expecting too much. Presumably it was a regular working day. If there was a problem you would have heard about it. Maybe the class were finishing work off. The teacher could observe how independent a reader he was.

But for the amount of money they are asking I would have expected us and him to be treated a little more special - no?

Apparently at lunch time the class TA should have been showing him what to do etc but she didn't so he didn't get the meal he wanted and didn't even know there was pudding.

Supposedly the class teacher is a man of few words but surely we should have bee told beforehand what his day was going to entail and what was going to happen etc.

Our opinion is kinda that the day was also for them to prove to us that they were an amazing place and worth our money etc....

But for the amount of money they are asking I would have expected us and him to be treated a little more special - no?

No, they can take you or leave you. They don't care, there will always be someone else with the money to pay.

This school prides itself on being different to regular private schools and supposedly treats all the kids more individually.

Maybe we expected too much but now we feel a bit disappointed and can't decide if now is time or secondary is enough.

If you want to be 'treated special' then don't waste your money or you will spend the next several year fretting that you are not being 'treated special'.

Mrs - I don't mean we expect it constantly just on this 1 day ....

Was this a day when the school was assessing if your boy fits in, or was it a "sell" day when they were supposed to convince you to come?

If the former, then he should have been treated, as much as possible, as one of the boys. To see how he fits in.
If the latter, then yes - you should have expected a red carpet treatment.
I suspect the 1st option was what was happening.

If you want him to eventually go private - doing a formal 11+ is a lot more painful than what you went through now.

If the school has good results, good facilities, and a philosophy you agree with, then your personal feelings about the "treatment" shouldn't cloud your decision. More important is whether you will be able to afford putting 3 kids through the private system.

Finally, as a parent with two kids in the private system - just because parents pay a lot for the education, doesn't mean that the school treats us as VIPs. Schools have their ways and we mostly have to accept them. Or leave.

Does the school's name start with a G?

Yes we can afford to put three through private when the times come - 3 years between each.

But it is also the consideration of the commute and stress with a new born.
It would mean we prob wouldn't want to be buying a new car that we want/need when the baby is born and a large house extention in a few years that would make our current house a dream house...

but if we waited for year 6 or 7 then we could prob afford to do both those things and we wouldn't have the stress with the new baby....

but what is for the best??

Just - no it doesn't

OP plenty of schools make impressive claims about their unique approach or being different to the rest. In reality unless your looking at somewhere -very different e.g. Steiner then IMO between the vast majority there's very little to choose between them.

It doesn't sound like you like the private school much and it's far away and expensive. I don't really understand why you are considering it if you like the state school he's been allocated.

All schools say they pride themselves on something, usually pastoral care or excellence in team sports or something but it's rare that they actually do much different from the school down the road. It's like saying you have a gsoh and enjoy eating out and the cinema on a dating profile. You may as well say you enjoy breathing.

That is what i am wondering - can they really live up to their claims.

Even though we like the state school you just never know do you?

We want the small class sizes and trying to get away from certain kinds of people that one would hope you avoid in the private system.

But - we live in a good area and he will have to learn to get on with people from all walks on life so is going private for secondary enough?

I do like the private but like i said i feel quite let down by them and am doubting there ability to deliver all that they promised.
I am concerned by the stress the commute and money will have in the first year when we have the baby and if as a family we would just be better off going to the one down the road and seeing how we go...

I obviously want the best for my kids and don't want to get it wrong..

Private schools are not necessarily separate from the rest of the world! Disruption, bullying, disorganisation are just as likely to occur there as high educational standards , sporting excellence etc and you may find children from a cross section of society. Money does to necessarily mean class, Boden and holiday homes. Tbh it doesn't sound as if you are presently in the right place , financially, emotionally or practically, to take the place up.

How far a journey is it ? If it is a trek for you it is likely classmates will live equally as far in the opposite direction. What about managing parents evenings, concerts, after school activities etc.

I'm not quite sure what you were hoping for from this school - some kind of sucking up to you/your son or display of fantastic expensive facilities?

The thing is, it is a school. Even the most expensive schools are.....schools, and they treat the children like pupils.

Why do you want your son to go private? Is it because you think there will be better academic provision (you don't mention anything about his learning or the lessons during the day) or for the sports (no mention) or the ethos (no mention) or for the other extracurricular stuff (no mention) - the only thing you mention is that they didn't make him feel special - strikes me as a bit of an odd thing to focus on.

I suspect you are having one of 2 feelings;

• cold feet at the thought of the fees (when you are prepared to pay and make the sacrifices you mention, but just feel anxious about them as they loom)
• cold feet at the thought of the fees and sacrifices you mention.....and that you really don't want to pay/sacrifice)

You sound to me like you are in the 2nd category. If you are thinking about the very short term sacrifices which are imminent and feeling you don't like the sound of them, bear in mind that you might be talking about that level of sacrifice for over 10 years, if that is what it means for your family. If not having a new car in the next year is concerning you now, then don't do it, because you might find you have to keep old cars for MANY years.

At the end of the day, you need to think about what you hope to get from this school and if it is worth it for your family. You sound like you've been won over by a glossy brochure and the idea of them making your child feel like a little prince, rather than much real educational stuff.

Don't choose the private school - you already feel let down. Hence it's starting at a disadvantage and considering you are going to have to pay fees and commute, you need to feel it is worth that extra effort.

I think your expectation of being made to feel 'special' is unrealistic. It's not my experience of private schools so you may have to reconsider how important that is to you as a criteria. It's pretty standard for private schools to claim they treat each child as an individual. That doesn't mean it's true.

Trust your instincts. If it didn't feel right then it probably isn't right for you just now.

well....

thanks, answered helped a little though many of you took what i was saying a little wrong as many of the things you mention i would have said were a given in why to choose a private school but hey ho.

cheers

as many of the things you mention i would have said were a given in why to choose a private school but hey ho.
YY and I can understand why you would think they would be a given but tbh the only real differences I've found in private schools are: the class sizes are smaller and sometimes the resources/facilities are much better. It hasn't equated to 'making parents feel special' or to 'treating DCs as individuals'. (my experience is anecdotal and gleaned from having DCs at private school and having relatives who teach in private schools).

We want the small class sizes and trying to get away from certain kinds of people that one would hope you avoid in the private system

If you are doing it for the latter reason then save your money. Seriously. Imagine how disappointed you will feel when you are paying through the nose and dropping of kids at 2 different schools with a baby in tow and he is in a class with a dozen other kids who you wish were being educated by the state. You have no control over the 'kinds of people' who he will end up with.

I would also be very cautious about making assumptions that anything is a given in a private school. They are businesses, nothing more. You assumed that he would be made to feel special because of how much they charge, and he wasn't. You assumed that he would be treated as an individual and he wasn't, to the extent that nobody could be arsed to include him in class activities or show him where the pudding was.

Last year DD did two taster days at her what is now her school. She had a class buddy for the duration to make sure she did not get lost or left out. The admissions lady rang me during the day both days to reassure me that she was fine. The class teacher had a chat with me at the end of the day to say what they had been doing and what they were doing the following day. They also did some computerised tests and wanted to see her recent school report and books. She loved the experience, and we were impressed with their care and feedback, hence she started last September y3. The pastoral care was very important to us as she had had torrid time at her last school, in fact she would have started straight away given the chance! Not too sure if that helps you, but I would trust your gut instinct.

Missy - yes thank you this is more what i had been expecting.
Although you got more than i would have imagined so that is fab!

I think we have made up our minds for the moment and will revisit it in a few years.

Many thanks

In the situation you describe, I wouldn't go for the private school. You have a good state option locally. he didn't think much of the taster day and neither did you. Watch out with 'all through to 18' private schools. Some fiends of mine have been burned by this, putting DC into the junior school, being led to believe it's an automatic transfer to secondary, only to be told (way too late to look around for other 11+ options! [grr] that their DC will have to sit an exam after all.

Also, you'll have 3 DC soon. Unless you can confidently afford all three at private school, it could create huge family discord if you are stressed finding he money, or one Dc feels less well catered for by staying in state education etc.

Imo (and loads of people will disagree) private comes into its own at secondary. Junior school is about learning the basics and about social interaction. Secondary is where you're paying for smaller class sizes, high expectations, low disruption of lessons, very wide choice of extra curricular to a high standard etc to enable DC to achieve best possible grades and opportunities for the future.

friends of mine, obv not fiends