Curious to know your thoughts

[iwonderwhat]

I've just glanced through the 'Tell me about a "privileged" education' thread and it's got me wondering what you would do if . . .

1. You had plenty of £££ which meant your DC were "sorted" financially for life even if they never got a well-paid job;

1. Your local choices of secondary education (comp, academy, independent) were all very good;

AND

1. Your DC were at least average in academic terms, had no "problems" and, for arguments sake, would happily go along with their parents' decision.

Would you want to:

(a) ensure they made the most of every opportunity you could afford to give them;

(b) allow them to coast along and simply enjoy school;

(c) get them into the school with the best exam results?

All slightly hypothetical but I'd be interested to know your opinions!

If I were that rich, , I would want to make sure that my children learn to deal with/invest the money they will receive, find their passion/calling and enjoy their lives sensibly, and keep my fingers crossed that they find a good partner in life to make them happy.
Definitely wouldn't care about exams/rat race etc. Not a concern anymore isn't it?

I'd still want them to go to a good school and work hard. Education isn't just about jobs in later life or money, it's an end in in itself as far as I'm concerned.

A or b. C doesn't register on my radar now.

None of the above.

I'd want them to go to the school that most suited them and would give them the most appropriate opportunities to realise their potential.

a. Sounds like there is undue pressure on them because you have paid
b. coasting has negative connotations - simply enjoying school not so much, so not sure these go together
c. we all know this isn't the be all and end all - few parents would care for an exam factory with no pastoral care

I would send my daughter to my old school (which was independent) in that situation - I haven't commented on the other thread but v v prestigious and academic girls' school in London. I think the opportunities (not practical stuff like trips and sports but mind-expanding way of life opportunities) were second to none. It is certainly a school which gets good results but that actually would not be my reason for choosing it. Regardless of whether or not DD would need to work, I wish she could have the opportunities I had. I absolutely can't afford it though, and fall into the category of being too rich for a bursary and too poor to pay for it! I do think she'll do well anywhere, though. She is very clever and, more importantly, very creative and hardworking.

Nearly but not quite a).

I would want to give them lots of opportunities, encourage them to try lots of stuff, and then support them with what they enjoyed doing.

(I would want to beast them through exams as well (not necessarily at the school with best results, but the one where I thought they'd best fit and therefore flourish), but that is so they have under their belt a level of qualifications from which they are equipped to spring off into their future with a strong start).

We have friends who have more enough "£££" either inherited or through their work that their DC's could be well and truly sorted for life. Yet all still pay for their DC's to attend top independent school, Eton et al despite having good state options and are incredibly ambitious for their DC's in terms of future careers.
People who have this kind of money are not deciding between Eton and the local state school, the latter is no more on their radar than a Ford Mondeao or a three bed 1930's semi in the suburbs.

Would stay private sector as possibly may face discrimenation for extreme wealth and therefore isolated/ unhappy learning experience. I would aim for best fit school academically and still expect full potential to be reached. Would hope for a confident, independant thinker , capable of making quality intelligent decisions and choices. Having so much money can eliminate a sense of worth, purpose or drive.

Interesting responses and I think Spicnspanx has brought up a good point about sense of worth etc. Difficult balance to find but perhaps a private school is better placed to help on that front; on the other hand, a really good state school may offer a more level playing field in treating everyone as equal and therefore keeping DC grounded.

I'd be keen to do what Gymnast said and make sure the DC could actually manage all that dosh! How on earth do you prepare a child for that and when/how do you start? Where would you go to get that preparation. Is there a Financial Planning School for exceptionally wealthy kids?!

A friend of a friend sounds to be in this position and their view is to go all out for the "best" (most expensive?) school aroun - pretty sure it's a day school as it's quite local to them. My concern would be that the DC are going to be surrounded by a lot of families in a very similar position - we're talking Eton type schools here - and that they'd never see the real world . . . and possibly become rather elitist.

So many things to consider and probably a number of difficulties to overcome that we ordinary folk don't have to worry about .

And when would you TELL your DC that they're loaded? I guess they'd be aware of a certain amount from the house they lived in and the family's lifestyle but that's a bit different to finding out you don't actually have to earn a living . . .

iwonder why would your friends DC become rather "elitist"? DS1 went to our local comp less than 1% were on FSM, the over whelming majority were affluent white MC, this is due to our location, we live in a wealthy primarily white MC area, you could easily argue he's not seen the "real world", he's not elitist. DS2 is a top boarding school costing mega money, he's at school with a significantly broader range of nationalities, but of course the majority of parents are exceedingly wealthy, he too you could argue has not seen the "real world" but he's not elitist either. Children are not at school 52 weeks of the year they do go out into the world and meet people from all back grounds, they read newspapers and watch a TV they do know that not all have what they have whether this be home life or school. Having said this many I think just take their very expensive educations for granted, not seeing it as anything special as they've never know anything else or themselves as anything special in terms of being in a particular elite group". The schools IME also don't encourage them to think of themselves as "elite" fortunate maybe but not "elite".

"When do you TELL your DC that they're loaded?"
Children aren't stupid if you live in a 20 bedroomed house own the land as far as the eye can see and have 3-4 other houses around the world most can put 2 and 2 together and make 4.
As I've already said we have a few friends is this position (I personally wouldn't swap their lives for mine but that another thread I suspect.), all have very high expectations for their DS's in terms of getting a good well paid job and shifting for themselves. Quite a few of their DC's have had gap years and their parents have refused to fund it, making them get legitimate jobs to pay for it, ok so they get better cars when they pass their driving tests, and can stay in the "flat in a London" if they get a job there but I don't know any who are handing money out to their DC's willy nilly.

happygardening I agree that it's not a given that they'll become elitist but it's a possibility. I'm not against independent schools [or schools of any particular type] and, as I said, I'm just curious how parents in those circumstances do the best for their DC - you know, getting the balance right.

I'm sure there are wealthy people around who live in more modest circumstances - not a mansion with acres of land - where it isn't so obvious to their DC that they have trust funds etc. Do/should the parents expect more of their DC because of their comfortable position or do/should they let their DC be "ordinary" in a local state school?

The "fitting in" aspect is important too.

If they went to state school would the DC later wonder why the parents hadn't paid for private education? Any one out there been in that situaiton, I wonder?

If money was never going to be an issue for my children or grandchildren I have to say I would question the whole system of education, especially the UK system.

I'd want the following for them:

• social skills
• empathy
• clear morals and ethics
• sense of social responsibility and welfare
• enlightened understanding of the human world and the natural world

When I look at the "home schooled" children and parents I know and combine that with the parents that have decided to take the kids and travel the world for a couple of years, it fills me with confidence that there are many ways to "grow an adult".

On top of that, many things I was taught at school or university would resonate with me so much more later in life. Why not get your higher education when you have experience and real passion for it? Eighteen was much too young to get the most out of social sciences (politics, philosophy, economics etc - no I didn't go to Oxbridge ...).

I think I'd opt out of the UK system altogether somehow.

I grew up in those circumstances and I suppose my DC are as well (but crap local schools- very good private schools an hour away). I had an exceptional childhood but it wasn't until my teens that I was aware of what I would inherit one day (I'm 4th generation). It was always made very very clear to me that my parents would provide me with a childhood full of fantastic opportunities but after college (uni) I was on my own.

The expectation was that I would go to private school (Groton in Massachusetts) but I rebelled and intentionally messed up the interview- I don't think my mother ever forgave me for that! I went to the local school and it was fantastic. It's one of the best in the US and I got a great education. It was made clear to me that I was expected to go to an outstanding college and I dutifully did so and had a great time.

I was never "sorted for life" in that there was no way my parents were going to support me as an adult. After college I moved to the UK and eventually found my feet and had a perfectly good career without any help from my family.

We're now in the position where my parents have passed away and I am raising my DC in the same manner. They will have money to manage one day and I am gradually introducing DS (12) to the workings of the stock market - bought him Disney shares as a Christmas present and will do the same with DD.

My expectation for them is that they will do their absolute best at school, be financially self sufficient as adults and eventually be in a position to manage money for the next generation.

Oh, and for the telling DC, I haven't quite made up my mind. I found out by accident when I was about 15. I think that was a bit young. I suspect DS thinks he's one of the poorer children at his school and that suits me just fine. We haven't moved since our inheritance and still live in a pokey new build in a bland new town, though DH has promised that I can choose where will will live after the DC have left school- a cottage with character near the sea! We drive very ordinary cars and other than the private school and holidays (and I suppose a general ease with expenses and the fact that I don't work- or rather if you asked DS, he would say I make money out of money!) there's nothing to signal to outwardly show that we are wealthy. There's certainly no mansion - I grew up in a large house with land and have NO desire to go back to that!

I suppose we do fall into all 3 of your categories OP.

I chose independent school because it would seem churlish not to.

The state schools I can access are good but the independent schools I send my DC to are better ( by my personal value system).

MN164 Now, what you've said makes a lot of sense: yes, of course, opting out entirely is a whole other option - sounds wonderful!

Thank you, Taz1212 for that insight into your world. Your approach sounds very sensible as you are making your DS aware of the responsibility he will have for ensuring the same financial security for future generations. I can imagine that it's difficult to know when is the appropriate moment for that conversation! Good luck with the house-hunting when the time comes - enjoy

I would add that growing up in the type of family that is my father's family can be quite overwhelming. One of my uncles died last week and this week a tribute was made to him in front of Congress (he wasn't a politician). I will admit it was pretty cool that thanks to the wonders of Facebook and YouTube I was able to show DS a video of the speech and say, "that was your great uncle X!", but I'm glad I'm 3000 miles away from the pressure of being part of it now. I like a quiet life!

d) send them to to local school, but not consider that this entailed 'coasting along'.

I hope I haven't come across as judgemental on this issue. I am genuinely intrigued to know what people do.

May I ask you, WordFactory how aware your DC are of their financial security and if you're planning to tell them at a particular age. How much do you think they know already? And do you have a plan to prepare them for managing their inheritance? Do you need a back-up plan in case they might be inclined to bum around on a beach smoking dope for years?! Sorry - not suggesting that your DC are like that!

And what is your expectation for them to do the same for their DC in years to come - would you be annoyed if they chose not to hand it on but just live an extravagant lifestyle?

Wow, Taz! Should I also add "Sorry for your loss"?!

That's cheating, OriginalNit!! You can't go putting in new options . . . apart from MN164 since I've OK-ed that one

What if the local school was allowing them to coast along? Would you be calling in after-school tutors or just keeping your fingers crossed that it would all turn out well and that the DC would get the right grades for whatever came next?

My greatest concern when choosing a school for my DCs is that they should get opportunities to develop. I tend to think that exams are somewhat secondary considerations and that a school that develops them well will make sure (as a sideline) that they max out on public examinations.

So far DSS1 is out the other side and DSS2 is being his usual laid back and exceptionally brilliant self and so school is doing what we wanted! DD is still little but has had extraordinary development opportunities so far.

Tax1212

Can one of my children marry one of your children someday? Haa haa ... bad joke. Sorry

When I am in West London it is very clear that the majority of wealth don't treat their kids the way your family do. They buy them student flats for silly money, they let them drive crazy cars and spend £100,000 on birthday parties. What do they think they are doing? I can't get into the mindset of that kind of parent.

iwonder it's been tricky. I suspect that I have made it more tricky than it need be, but DH and I come from (less than) nothing and we (I) have a real concern about how wealth can affect effort, work ethic etc.

Basically, DH and I agreed that we would discuss our situation with DC when they asked outright.

This has now happened. They are 15.

It's not that we own half of Berkshire, but we have built up a good portfolio of property that brings in a decent income.
Plus investments.

The DC know this is part of our income stream but only recently ( last year or so)have we discussed the fact that at some point they will receive these things.

They currently think this will be when we die. They do not consider it as part of their future in any realistic way. This is a huge concern to me.

I know that it would be absurd to hang on to our shizzle and accrue IHT but I am very queasy about handing unearned wealth to young adults.

MN it's a difficult balance.

You want your kids to strive but on the other hand if you have the cash...

We don't give our DC lots of money, they don't have designer cloths etc but they do live a very comfortable existence as part and parcel of how DH and I live our lives IYSWIM.

We pay for very expensive schools and will always fork out for things we think expand their horizons.

At university DH would like to fund the lot ( I wonder if they should take out a loan). He would probably like to buy flats for years not in HOR. He would like to fund a lot of stuff. He feels there's no point otherwise!