Should I not tell the truth ?

[LucyLocketsASillyBilly]

We have been visiting lots of high schools with my DD and have shortlisted 3 we like. This is the easy bit.

My DD's year 6 class at primary has 2 very disruptive children in it. 1 of them receives regular counselling for a variety of issues (Mum explained all the problems to me recently) and frequently gets into altercations with most of the class (even the quieter children)and the other is an outright bully that the school struggle to control (walks out of class, throws chairs at pupils and staff).

My DD wanted a new start at high school away from these 2 children in particular because she finds school difficult with them and the whole class generally has struggled to keep up with general school work with such distractions constantly going on.

We agreed we would not tell these 2 children or their parents which high schools we had shortlisted (they are out of our catchment area and not particularly easy to get to but im happy to take her so its not too much of an issue for us).

Yesterday in class their teacher asked the children to give a recount of their visits to the local open evenings and to discuss the schools they had chosen and why etc I got a text last night from one of the Mums of the above mentioned children and she was really upset I had decided on different schools to her (my choice nothing to do with her) and that she has now decided to go and visit these schools and add them to her shortlist so our children can continue going to school together.

I haven't yet replied to her and I hate to sound selfish but I don't want my DD's education to be continued to be disrupted by these children. Do I lie to her and say we are undecided and that we had only visited out of curiosity ?
I really don't want to say its partly because of her child's behaviour that I looked further afield anyway. My DD has already had 6 years of disruption from this child, including being bullied and had class work destroyed/ripped up out of jealousy. I really want her to enjoy high school and I feel its best achieved without either of these children being in the same school.
Do I lie to the Mum to try and put her off applying for the same schools ?

Just say something nice and anodyne, like 'it's a really difficult decision, choosing a secondary school, isn't it?'

It's probably also worth remembering that there's a distinct possibility (and in many areas, it'll be a probability) that no matter what school you put down as your first choice, your dd will end up at your local school.

Secondary schools are much bigger than primary schools. Even if your children end up at the same school (which is unlikely, given the number of schools available!) you can request that they be in a different class.

m'eh...how many Y7 forms will there be at the new school? Chances are your DD won't be in the same form, or in the same subject classes in Y7, and (assuming your DD and the other kid are on different learning trajectories) they'll be in different sets soon enough, even before factoring in the probability that within 6 weeks of starting Y7 most of the kids will have a whole new friendship group, with their old primary mates nothing more than 'acquaintances'.

I wouldn't get hung up on avoiding these particular kids - even if you succeed in getting a different school from them, there will be different disruptive pupils from other primaries at every state secondary. Focus on equipping your DD with the emotional and social tools to not let people like this affect her. If she's bright and works hard she will spend a lot if her time in different streams to those who are less engaged with education.

I can see why you are concerned as it sounds like the mum wants her child to latch onto yours and would probably be requesting they are in the same class etc.

I would reply with 'oh well we are expecting to get into 'local school' but thought it would be interesting to look at other options'

If they are at the same school then speak to them about not having them in the same class as it can make it hard to make friends if you are tied to someone, especially if they have behavioural issues which mean other kids avoid them.

I don't think the other mother is doing the best thing by her child by trying to tie them together either as it sounds like her dd may appreciate a new start too

Thank you.

I think I will just say that I was just being nosey at the other schools and that I believe we would only get a place at the local schools anyway.

If it turns out they get the same school I will have a chat with the school and express my feelings about them being in the same class. I just hope I don't come across a bit snobby

OP - IME you don't need to go into much detail with senior schools about why you would rather your DD not be in the same class as another child. They come across such issues all the time. In your place, I would be brief but firm. My daughter doesn't get on with X and I would like her to be in another class. Don't get into the whys and wherefores unless you have to and then you won't appear snobby.

I would say 'DD shared her favourites in class. DH & I are weighing up the travelling etc and have yet to come to a decision."

Agree there will be troubled children in all schools so make sure you feel the schools chosen have robust policies & good pastoral care.

I second what iseenodust suggested, but would add "Local school X will be top of our list anyway" And X being the school you plan to avoid....

I would agree with a previous poster that even if you avoid these children, there will be others and more at any school. What is important is how the high schools deal with them.

I would be open about wanting my dc to have a fresh start away from their primary school friends due to the disruption in class over the last 6 years.

But perhaps I'm just a bit direct.

I would also be open about it (another direct one here - "blunt" was mentioned once )

The problem will not go away - there are always mean and disruptive kids - you need to work on strategies together.

The problem with this disruptive kid is that dd will always be associated with her. Sounds like the mum is likely for ops dd to be her buddy.

I think it makes more sense for both kids to have a fresh start

If both children do happen to end up allocated to the same school, ask the Year 6 teacher to speak to the Transition co-ordinator, then any requests that the children be in different forms/houses etc has additional backing. I am often asked by parents to try to ensure their child is/isn't in the same secondary class as another child.

Anybody else think that it was a bit off of the teacher to do this as an activity with the class given that parents don't necessarily tell everybody which schools they are choosing, for a whole variety of reasons...

I'd be tempted to say that I wanted dd to have a completely fresh start after the troubles of this year (being vague and not mentioning her dd) hence the looking further afield, to see what the schools were like where she could have a fresh start. I'd probably wimp out of actually saying it though! Maybe I'd say something along the lines of you were looking for schools that best fitted the interests and strengths of your dd and that you were assuming that everybody would have done this - and that you would have thought that given her dd likes xyz you'd have thought she would have been more interested in School XX as it would have catered much better to her dd's strengths, whereas you don't think that the school that you're thinking of would do that so much...

And maybe add in some guff about it being easier to keep friendships strong if at different schools as friendships can easily drift apart at new schools whereas you make an effort to keep in touch with those you don't go to school with if you want to - omitting to mention that it's also easier to let them drop if you don't want to see them ever again.

Does your friend think that her dd is a friend of your dd or is she hoping that they will be friends do you think?

Why has she picked on your dd? Does she think they're friends or do you think she's asked half the class the same?

I'd be non-commital really.

Im pretty much one of the last parents to still be talking to her after a few class detentions caused by her little darling hence why she feels our children could be friends and travel together to high school etc.

I wasn't sure whether High schools would appreciate me asking them to keep the children out of the same classes. As I said before, I really don't want to sound like one of 'those' parents. I just feel my DD needs to have her opinions taken into account now and she feels being at a different school is what's best for her and I agree.

zipzap I understand why the teacher did a discussion session about the high schools. I think she was trying to help the children come to terms with going to a different school, being the youngest and also to explore how they are all different and have different needs that each high school will be ideal for each child etc. I generally don't object to this but I just didn't expect it to turn out this way.

I sent a text today saying that I had looked at many schools locally and that we would most likely get offered a place at the local schools anyway. I also said that our children are very different and have different hobbies which I have taken into account when finding the right school for my DD. I haven't yet had a reply.

I don't think you could choose which class they put children in anyway.
From my experience they like to split children from same primary anyway to encourage new friends from other primaries.
Do also remember if you are going out of catchment you will still be required to be able to collect sick children, I had a friend who didn't consider this.

Just be aware that the 2 children with behaviour issues she currently deals with will most likely be replaced by 6 new ones that have behaviour issues.
All schools have children that struggle to control themselves and behave in appropriate ways.
She can never avoid all of them.

Chances are your DD won't be in the same form, or in the same subject classes in Y7

Don't believe this for a second, if anything it could mean that they are more likely to end up in the same form and classes (depending upon the criteria for setting the forms)

Text back and say that you and DD are still deciding which school DD should go to. They all have some very good points so it's a hard decision to make.

Schools totally expect parental requests to put children in different tutor groups when coming up from primary. The earlier the request is made, the easier it is to sort - schools will start constructing tutor groups well in advance of transition days so that children can meet their new tutor. In my school there are still children being shuffled about in the first couple of weeks of September. Don't feel you're being a bother, you certainly won't be the only one.

Once we had a place at school we were asked to list children we wanted our kids to be with and children we didn't want our kids to be with. If DD finds that she's in the same form as one of these two on taster day at the end of year 6, email and asked to be moved due to bullying. They will move her.

We were asked at the Induction interview if there were any classmates they would like go be with or to avoid,

And I think secondary schools are better at dealing with disruption and bullying and good ones clamp right down as soon as it starts.

Your problem would be the travelling in. If you plan to take your dd this woman will be muscling on on a lift share . Whatever you do, don't mention the travel of your chosen school as a drawback, she will light on lift share / travelling together on the bus as an advantage.

Just say you looked on it as an option and to give a comparison. but haven't listed it yet. Which if you leave it until the last minute to complete the CAF, is true!