If you went to private school and your children do/will not….

[tarquinandjocasta]

DH and I were both privately educated and we always assumed that we would send our children to independent school, but the credit crunch hit us quite hard and it's now beyond our reach.

I am unreasonably sad about this. I suppose it's the opposite of the AMerican dream - I am providing less than was given to me.

Even though where we live is hardly sink estates and there are good schools, there is also a huge amount of competition to get into these schools - and I don't know how to prepare my child best for all this competition.

Yes, yes first world problems and all that, so I don't know what I'm expecting by starting this thread (other than perhaps a flaming)

Just wondering if there are others in the same boat.

PS I Have name changed (which is meant to be a bit of fun) am a long time MNer, been here since SWMNBN.

I was in the indie system from y9 to upper 6th. We cannot afford to send our children to private school, but were given a sum of money from my mother to use on a house deposit or school fees. This will last us until y4 for DS and Y2 for DD. I have no idea what we will do when the money runs out we could stretch to paying for 1 but not both. It will be a visit to the bursar. I will however not leave one in and one out iyswim. It is so much better for our DCs Ds1 started in an outstanding state for reception but had a horrific time and there were no other places in any school in the borough but i coukd not HE so he was pulled out at easter of YR and sent prjvate. If we could afford of course we would have taken this route all the way through, but for secondary i dont think we stand a chance.

Its a first world problem but the school fits the children so will be heartbreaking if we have to leave.

I didn't go to private school and neither did my dh (so I'm not qualified to answer your question!) but I just wanted to say that lots of professionals who could have afforded private school fees a generation ago will not be able to now. Fees have gone up and housing costs have gone up and the middle classes just have less cash sloshing around.

A rl friend of mine is going through this worry atm and I can't honestly get my head round it, as I think state comprehensive education is great!

Bloody tablet and spelling mistakes! Never mind the grammar :D Anyhoo dosent answer your question but i do understand how you feel OP.

I'm sort of in this situation.

I was at boarding school and ds dad was privately educated too (we aren't together any more)

I've just enrolled ds In the local private school for nursery, we can afford it with the free 15 hours, and then once he turns 7 I will get a bursary because I'm an on my arse lone parent. I'm completely shitting myself about ages 5-7 though. The local schools here are crap, the area I live in is a bit shit too, and I desperately want to give ds the start I life that I had. I have a real guilt that because of my crappy life choices ds isn't brought up in a 2.4 family home, and I'm trying to compensate for that.

I've just started a new business so I'm just hoping like hell that it takes off and my financials change direction.

So sort of similar, but not at all, and essentially I've just brain dumped all over your thread sorry about that!

Don't be sorry - it hadn't even occurred to me that you could use the free 15 hours at a private nursery (!) Clever.
5-7 I am sure will be fine - this is where my DC is now and it is ine.
What sort of business are you doing?

I can relate. I went to prep then public school & grew up surrounded by various degrees of wealth so it didn't even cross my mind that I wouldn't go down the private route with dc but like op it's simply not an option for us.
I've not gone down a typical path for someone with my educational background & DH had a very different upbringing (his dad made him leave school at 16 to learn a trade) so financially we are poles apart from 99% of my childhood friends. We are very lucky in many respects (health, happiness etc) but I do sometimes feel a touch envious at the education their DC have & a little sad that my DC won't experience the same amazing opportunities that I did as a child.

DH was privately educated and I'm an old fashioned comp girl.

I never thought my kids would be in fee paying schools and fortunately we have ended up in a grammar area with kids who are able to take advantage of that. I would however have been happy for them to attend a properly comprehensive school in a none grammar area. the " comprehensives" here are not they are more "secondary modern" because the grammars taking the brightest .

You certainly can use you 15hrs at a pre prep/private kindergarten. Also for prep age kids and FT working parents the fees are often pretty much off set by the costs of wrap around care.

I'm in this position. I was privately educated in an academic day school, husband and pretty much all his family went to public school. We both ended up at oxford.

Despite both having good professional jobs we have nowhere near the money for private school round here. Our local comp is 11-16, and distinctly average.

Politically I'm left leaning so I guess I disapprove of the type of advantage that got me where I am today, and on paper I think probably my children will do quite well because of good parental support and decent brains. Doesn't stop me feeling a bit sad that they won't have access to the sport music drama and academics that we enjoyed (classics etc). The local comp has rather an uninspiring curriculum and limited sports and music.

As muchasyou can use your 15 hrs they are only a contribution you still end up paying top up fees though, and not all indepentdents accept the hours, most do.

I get it. DD is in a private school, which is not actually all that great, but better than the state options available to us. We have contemplated putting her into a state school at various points but bottled it at the last minute, even though she appears to be the sort to get on anywhere. We are in a weird position where we can just afford it but are definitely cutting back in other ways to do so.

Me private. DH comp.
Kids comp because we could not have afforded private (as it has increased in cost by double inflation for the last 20 years)

Friends who attended boarding have largely dropped back to day
Friends who attended day almost all have used the comps round here

Then again we were at red brick uni and several of our friends kids have done Oxbridge / Imperial / top US Unis
so we don't feel too bad

I was privately educated for much of my schooling, and short of winning the lottery there is no chance we can afford for my children to go private.

When we were children in most households only one parent worked, and it was almost expected for professionals to send there children to private school. (That may be indicative of the area I grew up in though.) Of my colleagues now only one is sending her children to private schools, and her husband earns serious money.

Am I sad? - there is no way I could feasibly afford it, which makes it easier. DH was state school educated, and it hasn't kept him back. My local schools are excellent. I went through a phase a while ago when I worried my children were being missed by the system, so I make them do homework at the weekend now. I am conscious they won't have opportunities available in the private sector - the local cathedral certainly doesn't come knocking on our school asking children to audition for the choir - but to earn the sort of money I would need to go private they would never see me.

I was privately educated and then went to a Direct Grant secondary (schools now abolished that were private but the LA paid for half the places as scholarship).

DS goes to our nearest comp and I do not feel in the least bit regretful. An 'elite' education just left me feeling that my achievements were based on a privileged education rather than my own talent and efforts, so I always felt 'self undermined' if that makes sense.

Plus I disliked the sense of segregation by privilege, even then.

I have pursued a profession which is hugely rewarding and has terrible pay. DP likewise. DS has a really fulfilling, exciting life and lots of opportunities based on his own interests and our family activities and interests. He goes to a good 'proper' comp and is doing well. There is absolutely NOTHING for me to feel sad or regretful about in this situation.

Why do your children need to experience all this competition? There are good schools which do not require the super-selective hoop jumping!

I'm new to the site and joined because of my concern over which way to go for my dd. Sorry to gate crash your post, but thought you might have some advice. Both hubby and I were state, and both went on to uni, but want to give dd something more. Will really struggle financially, but otherwise am faced with state option of 34 in a class, acting head who may or may not be there in Sept and either NQT or job share in my daughter's year group. This is not ideal! We're moving to the area for the start of Junior and stupidly hadn't thought these issues would occur. Another, more expensive we won't eat out any more option, is one of the Cognita schools, and having read mumsnet old posts I'm now concerned, that there may also be issues with sending dd here. Help!

What makes you think there wil be 34 in a state class?
How many adults to that 34 kids?
Acting Head : not an issue
Job Share : often a really good thing as they get a balance of teaching

Private schools : have NQT and Acting Heads and snotty children and parents
richer ones but still snotty

look at each school on its merits - you might cheer yourselves up

and remember that kids only spend 1/6 of their time in school lessons

I went to a very academic private school on a scholarship. Dh went to proper boarding public school. All our cd have been/are at state schools, and not at particularly leafy, fashionable or selective ones to boot. We have absolutely no regrets - they're having/ have had fantastic educations. Yes, there are sometimes aspects that you're not entirely happy with as a parent, but tbh the private school parents I know whinge at least as much and possibly more. Not every teacher is brilliant, but we have encountered plenty who I would be happy to pay for my child to be taught by - except we don't have to.

Oldest dc went to Oxbridge, so clearly not held back by her education. The others probably wknt follow her there, but show every sign of being able to find their interest and fulfil their potential at the schools they are at.

They have great groups of friends, and all do/have done lots of extracurricular stuff, some through school, some outside it.

Honestly, there's nothing to be wistful or guilty about - there are loads of good schools that you don't have to sell your grandmother or tutor for three years to get into.

I was partially privately educated, my dh never set foot in a state school until he visited my kids' primary. Our children go to state school (primary, and probably secondary).

However, we're in a different situation to you OP in that we can afford private (in fact, we're considerably better off than our parents, who were the cliched old banger driving private school using people).

We've actively chosen state. My dh often looks at our children running into school, surrounded by their local friends, and says he feels that it is they who are privileged (dh v lonely and isolated due to not going to local school).

Schools (in both sectors) have changed so much from when we were young. Don't get depressed until you've actually seen your local school. You may be surprised.

Thanks for your advice TalkinPeace acting Head said they'd be 34 in a class, plus he doesn't know if he wants to be the Head (only been non-teaching deputy since Sept!) and taking over as Acting Head from Jan - July. The school was a small school of 60 from attached infant and 8 from outside. Now due to a bulge yr, authority are adding another class of 34 all from outside the immediate area, so huge changes in cohort n size of state sch as well. Seems a huge gamble.

I went to a selective independent school, not one of the really fancy ones, actually a very down to earth one where up to a third of the children in the secondary school were on assisted places and even up to free places. I went there from 5-18 and I loved it. we had classes of 27-30 so not really any smaller but in primary it was 1 form each year and in secondary 3 forms so smaller overall than the majority of schools now.
I would love my girls to have the same opportunity in some ways, they could be taught at their level, there was a nurturing environment which is harder to achieve in a larger school but independent schools now are so much more expensive, even the fees my parents paid if scaled to nowadays were loads less than the same school charges now and now their classes are tiny, the whole school is tiny. We live somewhere else now and the independent schools are too small to me, I don't want them in a class of 8, they might be the only girl or boy, it is too small. And they are more elitist. They aren't (in our area) selective at all so it is purely on wealth whereas my school was on potential (our 11+ wasn't working 2 years ahead of our age or anything it was things like comprehension, reasoning and so on) and whilst our ethnic mix wasn't great (this was the 80s in a town with not an enormous ethnic mix anyway - we had Jewish, Hindu, Chinese, Malaysian, African represented just out of my friends) my friends ranged from people who had Drs for parents and lived in big houses to people who had shop workers for parents and lived in small flats so I think in many ways whilst yes it probably wasn't a true cross section of British life it did do a relatively good job of giving people from different backgrounds a job.

So yes I would like my children to experience what I did but it doesn't seem to exist now and I couldn't afford it anyway. I like the fact it is so near our house, we can walk whereas I had to go by car or train and had a much longer day as a result, I like their mix of friends, I like their school. My memories are of something that now doesn't really exist and I suppose of a time that doesn't really exist any more - less testing in schools and so on. AND I expect rose tinted glasses remembering my childhood.

I was state educated, dh went to a UK public boarding school. We privately educate ds14, dd18 has SN and is in the state system here in Ireland.

I will say it's significantly cheaper here. If we'd stayed in London we could never have afforded it.

Ds is getting a fantastic education and is extremely happy, but the local State is pulling in amazing results too and would have been fine as an alternative had we not been able to afford private.

Well to be blunt. Your private education has not exactly provided you with the means to earn enough to educate your own children privately even, so is it really such a great thing then? Maybe you are a prime example that there are not always a benefit in a costly education and that you can give your children the means to succeed without educating them privately?

That probably came out sounding really snotty, it was not meant that way.

My children were (and my youngest still are) in a lovely state primary. I cannot understand how anyone could feel sad at the prospect of being in that school.

I went to see a really impressive state secondary yesterday, a school that was closed down a few years back after somebody was shot in school, failed ofsted and was closed down. I was really impressed to see how they have turned it around. How polite the children were, how enthusiastic staff were, and modern new facilities and lots of green space outdoors. The facilities were as good as any private secondary I would say (I have viewed some), and free.

Dont judge the entire sector based on your own biased preconceptions!

I went to a selective private secondary school, and DH went to (famous) prep schools and public boarding school. Our children are being state educated and will be state educated all the way through

I was discussing this with DH the other night actually. I enjoyed my school but really missed being educated as part of my community - kids travelled from miles around to go to my school so none of my friends lived nearby. Other kids from the same middle class suburb I grew up in went to the local comp & we have all ended up in the same sort of positions in life, so I am not sure it made much difference to me in the long run. DH had a similar experience, exacerbated by the fact he was boarding.

I focus on the positive - my children will go to school with their neighbours & I would have loved that - we live in a good borough (with grammars, although that makes me nervous in case my DC don't pass the 11+!)

It's all a moot point for us anyway, because as Mintyy points out, even though DH has the same job my dad did, we can't afford to put our kids through private schools as the fees have risen far above doctor's wages.

My husband and I both went private. I had a scholarship and a discount because my father taught at the school, he had a scholarship to a relatively low-cost private school. All in all, our parents paid a fraction of what we would have to pay to put our children through private school today. Scholarships at the level I had (75 %, my brother had 90 %) are simply no longer available so state is our only realistic option.

That said, our catchment secondary is excellent and I have no qualms about sending our first-born off there next year. I have no desire to send them to private school.

I was a boarder at public school, my daughter will be going through the state system unless she can get a scholarship. I'm pretty lucky in where I live - the state schools here are fantastic but it's the extracurricular that will be missed that I'm sad about. The complete afternoons of sport, the plays, the music etc... she can do all this stuff after school but it will make days longer so she's inevitably going to miss out. I am not the sort of mother that will be ferrying her around to thousands of activities.