If you went to private school and your children do/will not….

[tarquinandjocasta]

DH and I were both privately educated and we always assumed that we would send our children to independent school, but the credit crunch hit us quite hard and it's now beyond our reach.

I am unreasonably sad about this. I suppose it's the opposite of the AMerican dream - I am providing less than was given to me.

Even though where we live is hardly sink estates and there are good schools, there is also a huge amount of competition to get into these schools - and I don't know how to prepare my child best for all this competition.

Yes, yes first world problems and all that, so I don't know what I'm expecting by starting this thread (other than perhaps a flaming)

Just wondering if there are others in the same boat.

PS I Have name changed (which is meant to be a bit of fun) am a long time MNer, been here since SWMNBN.

we felt exactly the same - felt we were not giving DD the 'best', as our parents did. But we've now come to both accept and embrace our reality, DD has just started at her state primary and we're very happy she's there, lots of children from her (quite 'smart') nursery are there which means we already feel part of the community. Secondary is more of an issue where we are, we will have to move for state. It depends on how DD turns out to be, if she is super-academic like I was we might re-think and try and make private work somehow.

A lot of it is also to do with the fact that we live in the inner city, whereas we both grew up in affluence suburbs, so even the state school settings are very different to the state schools where I grew up, for example, there is no green space at DD's school at all, which makes me sad.

I agree with not being part of the community - I travelled about 6 miles to my school and very few children (and none in my year) lived locally to me. We have some very very good private schools near us so I don't think that would be an issue.

(Qunitessentially - a private education is not all about ending up with a very well paid job at the end of it, you know . My parents never felt they had 'wasted' their money because my sister and I ended up in industries that don't pay well, they were very proud of our choices.)

Quint, that's exactly how I feel about myself. I had so many opportunities, but because of one thing or another I have really cocked up in life and am now single mum with no money. If I can't even offer my son what I had growing up, then I feel I have failed once again - if you see what I mean? I wish I lived in an area with lovely local schools, in our neighbourhood the kids are rough and ready (last night a 4 year old was stood in the street shouting fuck off to all the cars that went past) I am really jealous of those of you with lovely local schools, because it's not even so much the setting I want for ds - just the feeling I've provided the best I can.

also - neither of my parents earned loads, but you didn't have to in those days to send your DC to a decent private school.

These days you need to earn a lot just to buy a decent home.

It is not really going in the right direction.

We bought our house in 99, the cheapest we could find (south west London) and afford, on a council estate. Combination of rows of small cottages and flats. Some good neighborhoods surrounding, and some "bad". It used to be quite rough. The schools were just "satisfactory". It has changed a lot around here in the last 15 years, and houseprices have ballooned. I would not be able to buy a house here today.

I'm in that position. However the private schools in my area you paid less than half per year what you now pay per term. Also my dp never had more than two of us at secondary at the same time, plus we got (or me and dsis got) grants for university rather than paying fees.
If school fees were in line with inflation from there, and we didn't have to think of university fees then I think we might be in a different situatio.

I do feel a sadness, because things that I think I gained from being at the private, I see my dd1 (and the others later) missing out on. Also all of mine have reasons why they would benefit from a smaller school-the states round here are 10 form entry plus. Dd1 even got a half price scholarship to one of the local privates. Problem is, that we couldn't afford to send the others even if they also got scholarships as we would have 3 at secondary, and it seemed unfair to send dd1, knowing we couldn't offer it to dd2 and ds.
It's mostly the extra curricular things I feel mine are missing out on-things like the choir for dd1 (she's very musical) had about 20 students who usually turn up, no boys with broken voices, so they're limited in what they can do. My school had 4 choirs, none of which were smaller than 20. Her school has nearly as many pupils per year as mine had in total.

There are times I struggle with it, and it's probably the thing I disagree most strongly with dh on. He went to a comprehensive and thinks it was wonderful. His reasonings are:

1. he met people from all walks of life: Thing is though, he says that-but those he has kept up with, and even those he would have regarded as friends during his time there, are all very white middle class. I actually seemed to mix much more-we had assisted places back then, and we had all from one of my friends who lived in the local caravan park (which we thought was tremendously fun!) to one whose dad was top bod in an international company you'd all have heard of. Those I regarded as friends, and have kept up with are a far bigger mix.

1. He was very bright, head and shoulders above the others in some subjects. So he was taken out of his class lessons and given 1-2-1 for those. So in that he got free tutoring. He doesn't get that that is probably very much the exception rather than the rule.

What I notice is that I have lots of fun tales of school. His fun tales and talks of doing things with friends start in the 6th form. His dp have mentioned that he found the first 5 years hard as a bright boy who wanted to work hard he stood out. I mentioned this to him at one point when he was raving about his wonderful education and he said that school was for education not for friendship, but I feel that it is just as much about the social side and 5 years of loneliness is not something I'd inflict on anyone.

Dd1 is doing well academically. She's made a small friendship group. Dd2 will go there next year. But I do feel they would both be happier at a smaller school, and they would both love the extra curriculum stuff. It does make me feel a failure sometimes that I can't give my dc what I had, and I know that they would all benefit and enjoy.

I was wondering why there is no talk of bringing back assisted places?

Not exactly the same boat. DH started in state, was moved to an extremely academic prep school, but his parents couldn't afford private secondary so he went back into the state system aged 14 in a single sex grammar. I have been state all the way through but secondary was a single sex grammar.

We're currently visiting secondary schools for ds who has been at a state primary. I won't say that we don't occasionally have a wobble and think back to what we were doing at a similar age - we definitely were writing more extended text and both of us were constant readers which ds is not (but that's not his schools' fault), but mostly we are just blown away by the quality of what ds is experiencing. I'm sure the facilities of the secondary schools round here don't match private school, but they are IMMEASURABLY better than our very battered 80s-cuts grammar schools had. The teachers are great too. We'd be daft to think ds won't miss quite a few opportunities that he would have if we could pay £15 - 30K a year for his education, but we can't. On the positive side, he is knitted into his community in a way that neither of us were. He won't have to travel long distances daily as a teenager either. We pay our taxes and council tax and we're pretty happy with what's on offer. The rest is up to him, and to a certain extent to us.

I was privately educated and DH went to a comp leaving at 16. I subsequently qualified as a management accountant and DH is in IT. I would have loved to send the DC private for secondary, but we can't afford it well maybe we could if I worked full-time However, I am vey impressed with the secondary school that we were lucky enough to get and now think it would have been a waste of money.

I went to a very well known private school, a highly academic one, and then to Oxford. I then pissed about for fifteen or so years before having a baby and finally being forced to grow up a bit. DH went to a comp, left at 16, earns approx five times my highest ever salary (I don't have a job at the moment) and managed to fit in a bit of pissing about too (though he grew up a lot earlier). So, you know, even really good private schools don't necessarily guarantee anything. OTOH, I have really excellent general knowledge and am awfully good at talking to people at parties.

DD will be state educated, btw.

I know quite a few people who were educated privately and who choose to send their DC to private school. To the dreaded comps in deepest, darkest SE London.
They never say that they feel bad about it, in fact they seem to be pleased that their DC can get a reasonable education alongside children from a huge range of backgrounds/different ethnicities, etc.

We were both privately educated, and although our children are still tiny, we're pretty sure we won't be able to pay for private school when the time comes. We're not even considering it for primary, as the schools around here are really good. Secondary is a different story- all the schools are huge and mediocre, so we'll have to see how the children turn out, and whether anything changes. I'm pretty ok with the state route, I think. DH and I feel we can make up any academic shortfall ourselves, at least in primary. And if we're not killing ourselves to pay school fees, we should be able to afford extra-curricular stuff and interesting holidays. A great bonus for me is that we were both at boarding school, so never had local friends at home. I really want my children to have that: be able to walk home from school and call round at friends' houses at the weekend etc

I went to private then public school, boarding, and DH is state educated and passionately against private schooling. Our DC are at a very middle class, outstanding state school and their future secondary school has fantastic results at the moment (beating a lot of independents round here) and a performing arts specialism. We didn't move here for the schools, but a lot of people do, and it's a bit of a middle class bubble.

I worry, and I feel guilt mainly towards my parents who shelled out for my private education, which I then "failed" to pay forward. BUT our DC will be at home. They will not have to board, they will be at home with us, here, where they belong. I'd have given every 'fantastic opportunity' for fencing lessons, theatre trips etc etc to have felt I would have been welcome in my parents' house as a teenager (I know, first world problem). They are only little and already they negotiate deals with us and feel they have a voice. I did as I was told until I went to uni, which is not great prep for adult life. Plus they know people everywhere they go, their self esteem is really nurtured at school and I could not be more proud of the people they are growing into. I still have wobbles about their writing compared with how much more was expected from me at their age, but they are essentially fairly bright children at high achieving schools and they are likely to get good grades. I do feel that, if we were to move them to private school now, we would be taking a lot away from them.

erin99 you have identified what your children need, no one could ask for more and they will benefit from that. Everyone questions their own decisions when it comes to the children but you have, without doubt, given them an excellent start in life. Don't give it a label or price tag, enjoy it for what it is, they will love you for it xx

But erin you are not, essentially arguing between state and private education but between your own fortunate present and miserable past experience.

Most people, within catchment of the state schools you describe would need a very good reason to move elsewhere. But most people don't live in that particular bubble.

And as for your boarding experience - surely you wouldn't want anyone to use that in helping them come to a decision? I boarded - I never for one moment felt that I was unwelcome in my parents' home. (It was my home too!) The child in the family who currently boards would miss an enormous amount of fun and experience if he were at a different type of school. He's been negotiating deals and having his voice heard since he was born, no trouble with self esteem, and if he ever did as he was told I'd assume he'd been swapped by aliens.

Being able to afford school fees is a different matter. Someone mentioned assisted places? A few girls who joined my school with me were on them, my parents paid out of their not particularly lush professional salaries. But I can't see this Government bringing back a policy that's run by councils rather by their friends.....

"rather than by..."

DH and I have a similar situation. He went to one of the best boarding schools in the country, and I a state comprehensive. He's not even willing to consider anywhere lesser than where he studied. It is beyond our reach.

Guilt is getting him here. Apparently I get the 'good deal' because wherever our kids end up, it will be better than the education I received. (Despite the fact we met at the same college at university).

I went to a smallish private school (20 in my year). I can't afford for mind to go private so they'll go to local state school (400 in the year)

At school it was drummed into us that we were getting 'the best' and i know my parents scrimped so my siblings and I could go there.
I do feel a bit sad that I can't do the same for my DCs. I know IAB a bit U.

Oh and the poster who said that private education was a waste if you can't afford to send your own private, really unecessary. Redundancy, illness, unexpected multiple pregnancy means I can't afford it. But thanks for reminding me I'm a bit crap.