How to help my DS cope with the 'subtle' playground bullying...?

[Legacy]

OK - I've had enough and I need to do something about this.

DS1 has just gone into Yr3. He's a very bright, articulate, friendly and kind boy, but much more academic rather than sporty.

There's some background to it too - he's very tall for his age, and sometimes a bit 'heavy-footed' or clumsy. Not helped by the fact that until recently he wore glasses to correct a squint (had surgery at 2 years old) and he probably doesn't have full 3-D vision (and never will), although his consultant says that shouldn't really cause any major problems later in life, as his brain will compensate for what it can't see (?)

Anyway, I digress...

There is a boy in his class who we've known since NCT classes - let's call him B. When the kids were little I was pretty friendly with his Mum. As they've grown up, the kids have become very different and have little in common really. B is obsessed by football (does it about 10 hours a week at clubs etc)and, to be fair, is very good, but does little else.
My son is rubbish at football, but enjoys it and tries hard.

But over the last year, this boy, B, has been making my son's life a misery with his constant comments and snide remarks.

Last term we had things like:

• I don't play football with anyone who wears glasses
• only letting my son play at playtime if he will be in goal
• structuring teams so there are 8 players on his team and only 3 (of the poorer ones) on the other, and then mocking them
• general comments like "you're not very good at football, are you?"

Mostly my son has held his ground and we've tried to teach him to stand up for himself a bit more. We also gave him his own school football, so he can organise his 'own' games at playtime.

But here we are, less than 2 weeks into the new term, and it's already starting again.

Today he apparently told my son that 'any team that has you on is going to lose...' and he was actually quite upset.

It's all just so nasty and unnecessary. I really feel like having it out with the Mum, but I don't think she'd accept it. B is an only child and rather spoilt. His father is an obnoxious b*stard - was overheard at school sports day telling his son to 'trip 'em up, son' in the races .

I'm running out of ideas about how to advise my son. I think soon I'll be suggesting he demonstrate to B how good he is at TaeKwondo, with a swift kick somewhere....

Oh, forgot to add, today's episode was made worse by the fact that this child B got a couple of friends together with him to chant 'Loser, loser' after his comment

If it is happening at school talk to the teacher about it. It sounds like bullying and it needs to be nipped in the bud.

for your ds.

Is there some way for your ds to stay out of this child's way as much as possible?

Also how confident is he? Could you work on some comebacks for unavoidable situations?

Hope you find a solution.

This is probably wholly innappropriate but maybe a swift kick somewhere would show his strength in other areas....its wrong to encourage the whole thing but he has to either be strong enough to show it doesn't affect him or show he won't be messed around. Isn't it just awful kids do this stuff. B must have his own weakness and makes up for it this way.....

Yes - it's happening at school at break and lunchtimes. At first I thought, 'oh it's just one of those 'boy things'' but no, you're right, it really IS bullying isn't it, when it's so consistent over time.

He can't really avoid, as they are both bright and are on the same table/ groups for things like Maths and Literacy. If I ask for my son to move then he may move to a less appropriate group - skills wise.

Can/ would the school do anything do you think? What could they do? Can any teachers on here advise? Would they talk to the parents without mentioning who the child is? (Although I'm sure they might guess).

What really irks me is the fact that this is kind of related to my son's lack of 3D vision - it just seems so cruel.

Part of the problem is that being good at football is so important for boys at this age, and this child, B, tends to 'lead the pack' as he's so good at it.

As a teacher although not a primary one - I would say definitely talk to your son's teacher. He/she will need to know names and (hopefully) will talk to B about how that kind of language/behaviour is inappropriate.

Be warned though - the teacher SHOULD first ask B whether he has been doing/saying these things. As a parent I'm sure you can understand this as if another parent made this kind of allegation against your child then the teacher just told them off without getting their side of the story you'd be pretty pissed off. What I'm sayong is be prepared for B denying everything. If this happens you need to reiterate. Sounds like he needs watching a little more at break. Also other kids are surprisingly willing to grass on their mates.

Bullying does occur at the beginning of the year as the atmosphere is a little hyper.

Good luck to DS - sounds a lovely lad and not unlike my DS (who will never be a footballer and currently has no concept of the rules at all so fun to come I think).

I suppose my reservations about raising it with his teacher is that there may then be retaliation from this boy towards my son.

I want to teach to learn to fight (some of) his own battles, but this one is proving difficult.

However we have been devising some 'comeback' responses, based on some of the things he is less good at compared with DS - like his swimming - he's just level 3, and DS is level6. Thing is, this child is just a blatant liar! He told his last teacher that he had level 8 swimming when another child was being congratulated on his Level 7 achievement . A really nasty piece of work IMO - I just wish his parents could see it... ironically, his mother is a teacher (at another school)

Legacy, it doesn't matter how subtle it is, it is bullying and should be addressed. I would take it up with the teacher and insist that his parents are told. His Dad sounds like a real charmer doesn't he.
On the 3D vision issue, even though your ds has had a strabismus op doesn't mean that his 3D vision is absent, just compromised. It may be possible to bring the lazy on on a bit if you find a behavioural optometrist This is probably not something most ophthalmic surgeons will think to recommend but the results can be very very good. It works on the basis of training the brain to see rather than just the eyes alone. hth

Chipmonkey - that's interesting - thanks! I think however that this is what his glasses were aiming to do - ensure that his brain got used to 'joining up' the potentially 2 slightly different images his eyes were taking in. We've now been told that his eyesight has developed to a fixed point, and that he no longer needs his glasses? It's a bit confusing because at one eye test we were told that he COULD see a 3-D image, but recently that he couldn't. It's the test where they show him a picture of a cube formed out of dots and he needs to identify the ball shape within it I think? He just can't see it . Do you have experience in this area?

kids always lie when they feel insecure my friends boy (year 3) does this . Ok this is going to sound totally crazy but have you thought about inviting him round for tea . Yes I know it sounds mad but it worked for me . We had a problem like this in year 2 Dont invite him to your house as that is saying it is ok to invite the enemy into your DS safe place ( I know physo babble but home has to be the safest place ) So I took this kid out and my Ds to a cafe and then to the park . He ahd known this boy since nursery and we had loads of incidents in the playground . Anyway it went really well and i said to this kid on his own when my son was playing , what happened its such a shame balh blah blah . Do you know what he never had a problem since . I didnt want to try the school route first as we have another 4 years at the school so I thought I would try this first . I wanted to deep down have a go at the little sod but I kept my cool and luckly it worked for me . I hope it all works out for your DS .

If that fails may I suggest judo lessons .

Legacy, haven't read this thread in detail, but it's definitely bullying and the school is obliged to stop it - it's bad that they haven't already, they must have seen it. Since they're obviously not great on bullying, I would discuss the whole thing quite carefully with them. Could you call Kidscape (a bullying helpline/charity) first to sort your own favoured approach out?

It's so wrong that this kind of thing goes on in schools - still, when they know how bad it is.

I would say absolutely no kicking, though. Make the school do their work.

Although Wakeup...'s solution is worth a try, too

which one judo ot tea .

I have to be honest the tea idea does stick in your throat a bit , what got me was this kids mum knew they were having problems and she didnt bat an eyelid when I said could he come out for tea , I would try it first but it has to be in a cafe or somewhere not at home .

He already does TawKwondo! But that's just not in his nature, anyway, to lash out - he's such a big softie!

Tea is an option I suppose, although it would have to be somewhere where ball games aren't possible, otherwise it would be red rag to a bull!

I keep toying with the idea of trying to have a 'sensible & mature chat' with the Mum, but I just don't think anyone ever will accept that there child is anything other than perfect, and we had a run-in a year ago over an incident in which my son claims B scribbled rude words over his work, B denied it, but they both got sent to the Head Teacher. Naturally B's Mum said that my son was lying, and I believed B was... (DH saud he also saw the writing, and it wasn't our son's....).

As a Mum, how do you think you'd feel if s former good friend sat you down and said, OK here's the problem as I see it - let's try to sort it out together?

WakeUp - what exactly did you say to the kid then?

I just said it was such a shame him and my Ds wernt friends any more as they had known each other a long time and I was really enjoying today as we were having such a nice time and he was being so nice to be around (I think he was ignored abit at home ) and we could do this again if we had a nice time today . Total bullshit to be honest just went with the flow

oh if a friend (it would have to be some one I trusted ) said the chat thing to be honest I would hate it ,but if it was a real friend (you know the sort ) I would still hate it on the inside but I would try to deal with it . I have a little self policy going on with my self ( does that make sence ) I try to give of the vibe to people that I am approachable with any issues regarding my son and anything that goes on . In doing this i hope they will tell me the truth as they see it . I have real honesty issues . I just want people to be honest .

Yes - IKWYM - I like to think that I'm like that too...until someone admitted that they 'found me really scarey' until they got to know me!

To be honest, thinking about it, I think the invite out for tea is the only feasible route at the moment.. a couple of things have occurred to me, as I've been writing this thread:

Boy B could be unsettled at the moment, since his Dad recently was made redundant, so his Mum is now having to work more days, and his Dad is doing the school run. So that's all new for him.

The other thing (and I may be completely wrong here) is that I know his parents always wanted another child, but it just never happened for them . B has often said he wanted a little brother or sister.
It may just be co-incidence, but DS2 has just started at DS1s school, and they have been playing together a bit at breaktimes. They really are very close. B may have picked up on this, and have reacted to this?

I actually feel rather sorry for him. He is a spoilt brat, and his father is a liability. That said, he still can't be left to get away with bullying, even at this level.

(Sorry, that last post was to WakeUP...)

I now feel sorry for the little sod too . I saw him hit my child in the playground as I walked past and I couldnt go into the play groun as it would have made it worse as A I wanted to slap the little sod and B my son would have cried because I was there . I walked into the staff room as I was volunteering at school alot at the time . I saw his teacher and said I was upset at what i had just seen . I think they were gratefull that I hadnt gone in the playground . The teacher said that they think the reason he was playing up was because his mum had just had a baby . I shoulnt have said it but I said in a quiet and low voice that . That was his problem to deal with and not my sons . I think she got the point I was trying to amke . The rundown on this little darling is that he is a bully to alot of other children because there are parents and three kids living in a one bedroom flat . i ahve heard that she and step dad are coke heads . God youve got me started now . I remember one time at nursery I said in a friendly way oh see you tomorrow and she said no I wont be here I am up in court . i said Oh drunk and disordely again then (what do I know i ahve never emt people like this LOL ) she then said no she annoyed me so I hit her . So i said well i hope it all goes ok and made a sharp exit . She invited us for lunch we had crisps and a packet of biscuits . i returned the favour and bought us all fish and chips . I suppose these things happen in life and we just have to deal with them the best we can . God thats the longest thread I have ever done .

well that was a thred killer LOL