How to help my DS cope with the 'subtle' playground bullying...?

[Legacy]

OK - I've had enough and I need to do something about this.

DS1 has just gone into Yr3. He's a very bright, articulate, friendly and kind boy, but much more academic rather than sporty.

There's some background to it too - he's very tall for his age, and sometimes a bit 'heavy-footed' or clumsy. Not helped by the fact that until recently he wore glasses to correct a squint (had surgery at 2 years old) and he probably doesn't have full 3-D vision (and never will), although his consultant says that shouldn't really cause any major problems later in life, as his brain will compensate for what it can't see (?)

Anyway, I digress...

There is a boy in his class who we've known since NCT classes - let's call him B. When the kids were little I was pretty friendly with his Mum. As they've grown up, the kids have become very different and have little in common really. B is obsessed by football (does it about 10 hours a week at clubs etc)and, to be fair, is very good, but does little else.
My son is rubbish at football, but enjoys it and tries hard.

But over the last year, this boy, B, has been making my son's life a misery with his constant comments and snide remarks.

Last term we had things like:

• I don't play football with anyone who wears glasses
• only letting my son play at playtime if he will be in goal
• structuring teams so there are 8 players on his team and only 3 (of the poorer ones) on the other, and then mocking them
• general comments like "you're not very good at football, are you?"

Mostly my son has held his ground and we've tried to teach him to stand up for himself a bit more. We also gave him his own school football, so he can organise his 'own' games at playtime.

But here we are, less than 2 weeks into the new term, and it's already starting again.

Today he apparently told my son that 'any team that has you on is going to lose...' and he was actually quite upset.

It's all just so nasty and unnecessary. I really feel like having it out with the Mum, but I don't think she'd accept it. B is an only child and rather spoilt. His father is an obnoxious b*stard - was overheard at school sports day telling his son to 'trip 'em up, son' in the races .

I'm running out of ideas about how to advise my son. I think soon I'll be suggesting he demonstrate to B how good he is at TaeKwondo, with a swift kick somewhere....

Imo this is a school issue and should be dealt with in school if possible in the first instance. I would not approach another parent unless there were things happening outisde school as well. I suggest approaching the teacher first - they should be able to deal with this and offer a plan of action. Next step - keep a record of incidents, and go to the Head Teacher if there is no improvement. I think you are right to encourage your child to try and deal with it by assertive behaviour - but sometimes our dcs need a bit of help as well. Good luck!

I started a thread very similar to this a few weeks ago - I got very upset about subtle bullying by my Ds's long-time friend from nursery (they're both Yr 2 now.) I did call the mum (a good friend of ours) and tbh probably said a bit too much. There are always 2 sides to every story and I called her when I was feeling very aggrieved - I wish I'd waited a few hours. We're still friends but there is an edge. On the other hand I'm glad I said most of what i said, and have encouraged DS1 to try and concentrate on other friends. Seems to be working. He's still friends with the subtle bully, but gradually he's becoming less and less important in his life.

If your son's life is being made a misery you should do something about it. If you ahve seen the bullying with your own eyes, tell his mum, but try and stay factual and not emotional (difficult I know). Tell her if things don't imporve you'll have to talk to the teacher. Ensure she realises you're doing this to protect your son not to pick on hers. Good luck.

Great posts here, wakeup your cafe invite is fab!

When I was about this age I was friends with a girl in my class who like me had divorced parents and not much cash. I used to get a lift to school with another friend who I was very close to in and out of school. I got into the habit of talking about the school friend and how she was poor and didn't have carpets and didn't have a Dad to the other friend. Much to my horror she told the poor friend and I in my immaturity carried on saying it but now to the girls face. My own family situation was very similar, so I guess I was trying to cover it up or something.

Anyway, one day I bumped into the poor friends mother on the street. She went absolutely mad at me - said stuff like your family are no better, my daughter has been very upset i don't think she actually threatened me, but I was terrified and very ashamed. I never did it again and still feel a total shit about it now.

I know it's not how we are supposed to deal with these situations, but I bet it would work.

Hi Legacy im so sorry this is happening to your son.
The other child and his family sound like one we know, my DS1 has been bullied by this one child since y3 (now y6) the child is a little s*it and the mother is in denile that he could EVER be in the wrong and the father has been to our house yelling and swareing and then up to the school with his half brother to thereten me all because i told the boy off for swareing at me. (sorry little rant)

First off i think you need to ask for a meeting at the school (not a rushed chat with the teacher or head) and explain what is going on and how it is afecting your child, maybe if the child is spoilt and from a family where "trip um up son" is the norm he might not relise that what he is doing is bad (on the other hand he might just be a little s*it) so if the teacher spoke to him he might stop.
Also if the school are aware they can watch for and defuse things.
Is there no way you could speak to the mother?
If all else fails i think a front snap kick in the privets might be justifide just this once... good luck

That doesn't sound too subtle to me.

Speak to his teacher. Your son shouldn't be putting up with it. He has every right to play footie even if he isn't that good at it. But I have found that the really sporty kids are often a bit heartless - they take it so seriously themselves. I had to tell all the lads off at my DS#1s last birthday party - he was sharing it with another boy who isn't terribly popular although my DS gets on OK with him. They were both team captains in Laser Quest and when my DS#1s team won all his team shouted 'loser, loser' at the other lad. My DS had the decency not to shout and to look embarrassed. I had a really good go at them. They are all quite good kids but pack mentality does terrible things.

Please speak to the teacher - he can't deal with this on his own.

legacy hope things are looking a bit better today .

Hi - thanks for asking!

I haven't done anything directly about it yet to be honest. DS says B hasn't done anything else, and to be honest he (DS) isn't particularly upset or unhappy, so I don't want to 'rush in' and risk creating a bigger issue if there isn't one.

I'm going to keep a watchful eye over the next week or so, and DS knows he is to tell me about any further occurances.

I also saw the Mum and suggested we have a coffee as 'it had been such a long time'. She was actually really friendly and said yes, she'd been working so much and felt really out of the loop etc. Let's see how that goes, and whether I say anything or not!

Don't worry though, I'm not going to sweep it under the carpet long term - just want to get my facts/ evidence right....