Sensitive, timid boy - Private or state? any experiences?

[Ouchy]

Hi there

I'm hoping for some advice really, regarding my 4 year old summer born who's due to start reception in Sept.

He is super sensitive, timid and lacks confidence. Is embarrassed easily and is a perfectionist. I'm nervous about him at school, he'll be an easy target for bullies. He does not make friends easily.

He is quite anxious and will not join in with a crowd. He's ok with one on one playdates but only once he knows the child well and has sussed them out. When there's more than one he shies away.

He's got into a nice state primary but he'll be one of 30, he'll shy away from the big groups and his voice won't be heard. I'm worried this will dampen down his already fragile confidence. He loved his time at pre school but struggled with the teachers who tried to force him to join in when he just wasn't ready.

Or we could fork out the fees for a very nurturing private school with small claws and teacher to child ratios where hopefully his interest in learning will still be picked up on as he might have more confidence to voice it and I presume teachers will have more time for ask the children as they are less stretched?

I don't know the right answer. I just wondered if anyone else has our had a timid summer born boy, what they did and how it panned out? Forgot to mention at the state primary the classes are mixed reception year one so he'll be the youngest by far.:(

Interesting about the problems small schools bring - might start a thread on it sometime!

If you can truely afford private go for it. If you send him to a state school you'll always be looking for faults and excuses to move him.

If private would be a struggle and you're happy to be open minded, give your local state school a go.

State schools aren't anything like as awful as some posters are painting them and a shy 4y doesn't unnecessarily stay quite and shy by 5 or 6.

Big classes sound bad, but they give you a place to hide and grow at your own pace and the chance to find one or two other quiet DFs.

15 loud boys at a private single sex school could be far worse than 30 DCs at a mixed state school. Yes it's stereotyping, but girls do tend to calm it down a bit.

Mixed Y1/reception classes sound daughting, but they allow for a very good spread of differentiated learning and teachers/TAs who are really used to treeting DCs as individuals.

DN goes to a tiny two form state primary. On the surface it looks idilic, but being the only girl your age isn't easy.

We were in a very similar situation to you 18 or so years ago.

DS1 was dreadfully sensitive and for much the same reason most posters have said, we chose a private/pre-prep school for him at 4.

We then moved house and DS2 came along and we were incredibly lucky to find a marvellous state primary which could take them both. DS1 started there in year 3 and settled in well. The move between private and state never proved a problem. We also never felt guilty that DS1 had private education for three years which neither DS2 or 3 did. They were very different children and fitted well into the larger classes of the state system.

But the real reason I wanted to post was to say that a highly sensitive pre-schooler need not necessarily grow into sensitive teenager/adult. DS1 is now 22 and incredibly confident. The change didn't come until mid-way through secondary school but I'm amazed, and pleased, how well he has turned out as a young man.

From your post you seem to be assuming that your 4 year old will always be super-sensitive. Children grow up; they make friends; they become more independent. Part of a teacher's job is to nurture children and to encourage in order to make them more confident.

You will have assertive, perhaps domineering, children in state and private schools. Your ds will learn to deal with it in his own way. A small class doesn't necessarily mean thoughtful caring sharing pupils!

Thank you so much for all your replies. They have helped me by giving me perspectives that I wouldn't otherwise have considered/thought of.

have decided to go with the well regarded state primary and see how he settles.

Thank you again

Good luck and hope he settles in really well.

My DC went to an infant school with class sizes of 22 at most. It was a delightful school & they loved their time there. OP you need to see what the class sizes are like atbthe state option. Private may not be best; however, I've a nephew who went to a small private school until year one because he was timid little chap. It was absolutely the right choice for him & he's now a 23-year-old who's far from timid!

Coming to this a little late but wanted to give some reassurance. My DD is generally a very quiet, shy and sensitive soul. I was terrified that she would sink at school. She was going to the state school up the road with a roll of over 500, which is pretty big compared to most of the local schools.

It's been the making of her. Within a few months of starting school she sang a solo in the nativity play. Unthinkable before starting. She has really come out of her shell. I've been amazed by the difference in her. Being in a large class, in a big school and coping has given her confidence and she's also found some other quieter pupils to identify with. That's one of the advantages of more children - greater chance of finding buddies!

There's an interesting chapter in Malcolm Gladwell's book 'David & Goliath" about class sizes and the data does not back up the hypothesis that small classes sizes provide a significant advantage.

Same situation as you 2yrs ago. Ended up private, was not play based and in spite of better staffing not the nurturing environment we were after. Switched to state primary at half term, and it was much better for our child.
Try and work out what each reception unit will offer / what focus will be. If too academic and not play based enough then would advise to run a mile for a summer born child, even if child seems 'academic'. Loads of time for that later.
Hope it works out for you.

Private. My DDs (ages 2 and 5) attend a private prep and pre-prep, they have had a rough start in life (ExDH walked out on us without any real warning and moved back to Iran). They need stability and teachers who have the chance to focus on their individual needs. Your child is far too important to take a gamble on or to risk their happiness because of an ideological view. Your DS sounds far more suited to private, don't risk his happiness. Your DS should have the best chances of enjoying school, not simply surviving it.

I didn't have concerns over DS starting at primary as he had sailed happily through pre-school. His class however had a couple of little sh*ts. 30 children and 2 adults is not a bad classroom ratio but playground staff were hopeless & the HT as much use as a chocolate teapot. So we moved DS early in yr2 to another state primary. Everything went well from day 1 and there has been no more bullying. It's not state v private it's the makeup of the class & the culture of that school.