Supporting 'more able' children

[roisin]

It is with some hesitancy that I am posting on here, especially since the recent disruption of a thread covering these subjects. But I have been posting on mumsnet for over 3 years, and it is for me the natural place to come to discuss issues which are exercising my thoughts.

I have been surprised at how affected I was by that recent thread, and how personally upset I felt by the thought that there were topics I could not raise on mumsnet.

Since then I have had email conversations with other posters on mumsnet, who feel similarly. So I would just please ask that you respect the views of anyone who posts on here, and if this situation does not affect you, then please don't post negative comments.

There is evidence that people with one good friend are every bit as happy as people with lots of friends, you know. Intelligence doesn't make people happier in general, it's true, but neither does it mean they will be unhappier. And it certainly doesn't mean they will be high achievers. Richard Branson types will always do well regardless of intelligence. I think I would see a bright child as a pleasure not a burden though I agree with Tigermoth that a problem might arise when very clever children are expected to have a greater emotional maturity as well (just as tall children are expected to behave in a more grown up way that their shorter peers).

Oh my son is a great pleasure, I was implying that I find it hard work because of his need for higher levels of knowledge that it is something I cannot provide for him despite having a degree and a high education myself.
Now his Dads a professional musician,I'm a linguist ,my Dh is a physics graduate,my mum has a PHD in English and Medieval and Renaissance literature,one brother is a lawyer and the other one is an economist, now even at family get togethers we all together struggle to even get on Ds's wavelength he is so UP there on his own one!
Ds problems this time come from the breakdown of his one good friendship and its got nasty, turned into bullying... he is very very unhappy and unable to move on with others.
I too was/am of very high intelligence but have achieved nothing extraordinary, but am very happy with my lot

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This is a great thread - very reassuring to know there are other people out there in a similar situation. I'm feeling a lot more chilled about it actually - I think I was just in shock earlier in the week, and found it impossible to talk to anyone about it.

Btw Robinw, he's only 6, and I haven't noticed any problems associated with jealousy, (from children or parents). The other day a boy, "Billy", bounced up to dh and said "ds1 is the best at maths in our class", which we didn't actually know. But it was done in very good humour, and 'Billy' has just won the "star player" award in the football coaching session. DS1 is completely in awe of his football skills. At this age they seem generally pretty good at accepting that different children have different talents in different areas.

We don't discuss the boys' abilities with other parents ... but that's not because I expect anyone to feel jealous, but more because I don't want to be viewed as "the pushy parent from hell"

Roisin- you sound like me! You are so proud of his abilities and you want the best! keep it up!

Have not read the 'nasty' thread you mentioned- by i get fed up of people posting negative comments which are the last thing you want to hear when you are worried sick about your child- I know it's a bit like saying 'you only want to hear what you WANT to hear'....but that's not really my intention- just that those people who post these 'nasty' comments don't realise how damaging they are-and if i'm honest it works the other way too...there are many times when i read posts -that i hate to say seem so trivial to me (my boys are autistic) - however i keep that feeling to myself- as i accept that everyone has worries which can seem trivial etc to others- Hope i am making sense!!!

So i agree totally about what you started this post with and wish i'd had the courage to do the same the last time i got caught in the 'crossfire'....instead i actually cried after reading someones comment to me- and felt anxious about posting for weeks as i felt everyone agreed with her and though i was 'over protective' too.

rosin - sorry not got time to read whole thread as supposed to be working but just wanted to let you know similar experience my mum had with my eldest brother.

She was called into primary school when he was similar age to your DS and the teachers said very similar things. he much preferred the company of adults ( I supposed they challenged him more) and often refused to join in with circle time etc prefering to sit on his own and read. (he was perfectly happy btw). Anyway to cut a long story short the school said my mum needed to consider that he effectively had special needs in that he had to go to a school were he would be challenged. He ended up getting scholarship to very good school and went on to Oxford but also, and more importantly, he is a little shy but made great friends all through school and uni and is now a very happy computer programmer nerd! Actually he's fab but then he is my big brother
I think my mum felt that the key to it all was making sure he was at a school that understood his ability. You should be proud too roisin - he sounds amazing.

He is amazing - and he's lovely too. I can also say that he is lovely, polite, bright and really good at getting on with other children - he was great with my DS, who thought he was marvellous, and is VERY keen to see him again (I think something about him being on a similar wavelength is in there). I am watching this thread with interest as it is very obvious that DS is streets ahead of the children in his Reception Class in reading and maths and although it is early days we have already had 'gifted' noises coming from school.

roisin- I agree with you I don't think you need to worry about jealousy at 6. Probably not ever as most kids want to be fashionable not brainy iyswim. My son (4 and a half) obviously has major problems and stands out as a complete weirdo- but the other kids just accept him. I think they do in the early school years. A lot of year 1 and 2's go up and say hello to him as well and ask me questions about him. I think bullying for being different comes later really. I'm dreading 8ish and up.

totally agree with jimjams, have noticed a definite chage at yr 5 level this year, one happy carefree confident child, kneecapped by the taunts this year. He had always been top of the heap a kind boy and so many friends. Now he tells me he doesn;t want to live if he has to go to school, so he doesn't go every day now...
I am in the unlucky position of the school implying that the problem lies with my exceptional child and his reaction to things and his not "fitting" in....
I am trying to teach him the sticks and stones philosophy but without much success,, he is very fragile now.
We are moving soon, I hope this will in part (along with careful school selection) help solve the problem for yr 6 before 11+ and secondary school.
This whole subject is very raw to me right now...

Ouch! Don't know what to say kiwisbird - my heart goes out to you, and him.

How far are you on the way to moving and finding new school? On first visiting our school we knew immediately it was the ideal school for ds1, and were delighted to get a phone call on the very last day of school to say there was a place for him. Hope you have a similar experience.

Roisin

Your DS sounds like my DD1 (now in Year 3). Last summer, at the end of Year 2, her Literacy teacher (not her Form teacher - at our school they "stream" them from Year 1) pulled me aside to tell me how bright/intelligent DD1 was - I agreed - she was doing very well at school. Teacher said "but I don't think you appreciate HOW intelligent" - she also gave her a reading ability of a 12yo and said her Literacy work was level with a Year 6 child. At home, she "reeled" off 4 A4 size pages of spellings getting every single one right - and a lot of them were very difficult.

DD1 knows she's good at Literacy - although she is not a boastful child and seems a little embarrassed when I praise her. She is very hard on herself with regards to Numeracy. Again she is way ahead with this, but because she is not at Year 6 level, she constantly tries to improve herself.

DS1 (Year 1) is showing similar signs with Literacy. Just won an award for being only boy in Year 1 to gain 100% spellings. His Year 1 teacher has already spoken to me about Numeracy skills (very good) and like DD1, is on the "Top Table" for both Numeracy and Literacy.

I don't "boast" about their abilities because it makes me feel uncomfortable - but I am incredibly proud of my 2 - DH and I are not pushy parents, we've just been incredibly lucky that both kids had the same EXCEPTIONAL Reception Teacher along with excellent teachers further on in school.

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Ahhaaa you see the school refuse to label it bullying, the one day when my son came home hysterical after being locked in a toilet, I enquired and complained to deputy head (my sons own teacher as it turns out) and she said DS was one of the kids doing the locking in and was laughing!!!!!!
She got this from one boy who told her the "truth" this one boy is the one terrorising my son now and calling him gay and poofter for not having a shaved head - a lot of forces families here btw so extra machismo in action and evident...
We are choosing our new house solely on the school we find. We are very lucky we can afford to pick and choose, we are leaving a very ordinary flat in wealthy area in SE for a big posh house in Lincolnshire where house prices are more reasonable.
I've never discussed how bright my son is with other parents, my sons QCA results were enquired about once by another mum who was one of the pushy mums you hear about... My sons were astounding in comparison, although I appreciate exams are no real indicator, my son happens to enjoy them, which is why I feel confident moving to grammar school education system in Lincs.
It is end of term today yippeeee
My sons strengths are all across the board which is interesting to me, his maths is easily the stand out subject. Literacy he is very good at spellings to the point he never practises them now, he jjst gets them right. He reads mature literature and some adult books too. I will sen d you hisanti Blair political poem Roisin very soon I promise...
xx

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kiwisbird, just skim read through this - you're saying your 10 year old was fine at school until yaer 5?

I wonder if things get a bit more 'heavy' as children get older. When my year 5 son talks about incidents in his class, they seem more serious that before - more fighting, more name calling and morr of it behind the teachers back.Perhaps the older children have wised up to what they can get away with. ie my son was pushed down a steep concrete flight of stairs by another boy - half accidently, half on purpose. The teacher didn't know and none of the children let on. My son was ok about it so I didn't report it. This sort of thing never happened to him in year 3 or 4. My son goes to a small school, very hot on discipline - not a school with a reputation for fights in the playground etc.

I wonder if many year 5s are like this - any teacher care to comment?

Scaltygirl -there are some excellent mumsnetters with experience of this. Post your message under a new thread on special needs and you'll get a good response!

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Scaltygirl - have you considered whether she might be being bullied - this might cause her to be very very wary in the playground.

Hi Scaltygirl! Please do give more detail and examples of behaviour and your conflict with the school.

We are in a similar, but different, situation. DS1 (described below) has many aspergers traits, but as he is near model student in the classroom school have never formally raised any questions about him. They are happy to accept that some particularly bright children are unusual developmentally, and can be very late in acquiring certain skills.

But we are now at the stage where we want some kind of assessment, and are waiting on a referral to an idnependent (££ ouch) ed psych, who has a specialist interest in gifted children.

Froot - has your son read The Curious Incident of the dog?

I am fascinated by your son's story. Does he have siblings btw? Did he have peaks/troughs of becoming more/less 'normal'? DS1 was very odd aged 4/5, but did subsequently settle down a lot. But in the last 6 months we've become very concerned about him again, (he's just 7), and whether it's possible for him to be involved in 'normal' activities like Beavers and tennis training ... where he just doesn't seem to thrive.

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