Why do some parents think private school at primary is a waste of money.... but are secretly saving for secondary?

[Tallandgracefulmum]

AIBU as my little one is starting prep school in Sept. I was asked by a friend at DD's nursery my plans, said private all the way and was told I would be wasting my money and should save it for secondary when it matters.

I hate this ..most parents I know would send kids private all the way through but cannot afford it so are saving for secondary. But to be honets if your not used to paying shed loads monthly for schooling, you will not suddently 7 years later ( and higher fees) start doing it for secondary.

What some people don't seem to get is that some parents value educational experience over material possessions or fancy homes. This friend in question said she will use the money she saves to provide education experiences for her children and give them a lump sum for uni.

My thoughts are she just can't afford it and wants to make me feel bad for spending my hard earned money.

How many parents actually compare a range of private school fees, then calculate how much it would cost to send one child then save the relevant monthly amount ready to give each off spring at 18? Doesn't happen. What's wrong in providing the best educational experience you can afford for your kids without others constantly telling me I am wasting my money.

FWIW I can understand private school bashers who hate all forms of private schooling, but not those who bash primary but would send kids to secondary in a heartbeat!

But her private education wasn't that good! She is clearly unable to grasp that other people make different choices about what to do with their money.

It seems to have never occurred to her that many state schools are "better" (whatever that actually means) than many private schools, that wealthy people could actually choose to send their children to state schools because, you know, they just prefer the whole concept and ethos?

She comes across as very poorly educated, infact.

The OP is applying the disadvantages she suffered as a child, the advantage she gained at PS as a result, to everyone.

I think that's harsh, minty. We don't really know much about her education to be fair.

I think she just has a blind spot on this issue, and I can sort of see why.

OP - you are obviously working with a huge budget for educating all 3 of your children privately throughout their school careers. Somewhere in the region of £0.5million? Great, fine, glad you have the money and are happy to make the sacrifices you need to in order to achieve that objective.

However, I think a lot of people are working on very limited budgets for educating their children, especially if they want to give all their children the same sort of education. As a result they may choose to use the money they save at primary education and use it at secondary level instead. Seems sensible to me, to make the money they have work as hard as possible.
I'm not clear why their choices have any impact on you at all - you are obviously already part of a community of parents who have all made the choice to send their child to the same private school as you, can you not look to them for approval for your choices?

"I'm not clear why their choices have any impact on you at all - you are obviously already part of a community of parents who have all made the choice to send their child to the same private school as you, can you not look to them for approval for your choices?"

Exactly. Well said.

As good as the grammars are, they take the best of the best students, but still cannot compare even to mediocre private schools

Really?? I have 3 children, 2 in the state system & one currently privately educated so no chips on any shoulders. The private school is the one I'm least convinced by tbh. The one 'advantage' (smaller class sizes) ended up being a big disadvantage to ds2. He's far happier in his class of 29 now he's in a State school. He's being more challenged academically as well & there's a huge range of extra curricular activities in offer.

My state school education was atrocious! After fourteen years in a state primary followed by a state secondary with sixth form, the only universities I could get into were Cambridge, Durham and St Andrews.

I think you're being a bit unkind and I challenge the assertion made by someone done above that the OP would have done as well in a state school. As a newly married couple (many years ago) we bought a house where the OP grew up, anyone who thinks she would have done as well is deluding themselves. I'm only speculating at the OP's age but in the early nineties two parts of Peckham were identified as the poorest in the UK and one of the 10 poorest in Europe. When my DS"s were born I discovered that the good news was that Southwark didn't come bottom in the council league table for education it came 3rd from bottom out of about 500+ councils. Camberwell Health Authority in which Peckham is part had the highest number of residents living in social housing and 25% of the population couldn't read and write. This is where Damilola Taylor was tragically murdered, and Peckham was on the up by then. No senior schools had 6th forms and when a Chinese child passed 5 GCSE's at grade A it made the local headlines.
On the back of this experience it's hardly surprising that she believes independent education is better for her DC's.
OP as I said before just let it wash over you, when people talk rubbish to my DH he changes the subject at talks about the weather. The British love moaning about the weather so it always works!

For shame DrSeuss .

saintly DrSuess,we can all make gross generalisations about either sector. I try to avoid extrapolating my DS's experience at his independent school and making the assumption that this is what all get who attend independent ed!

Mrs Cakes, thanks for your post.

In relation to others who think, I had a poor education... yes went to a mediocre private secondary, got to top grades and went to Oxbridge. Yes I hold my hands up, I can pass exams, but I still want my kids to be better than me. Not just about getting a great job.

Small example, I take pride that my FB t has better handwriting than me, dances beautifully and is so inquisitive about everything than I was at her age. That is not just through education, but the environment she lives in now, different from an estate. Estates nowadays are nothing compared to the crime ridden dens of the late 70s, 80s and early 90s, its very en vogue to buy ex council properties known for their space!

Yes, my mum broke her back, and it was worth it. I would do the same, but my sacrifices are not the same as hers. Her sacrifice was waking up at 3am after getting to bed at 11pm the night before to go to work.

Other people's choices do not impact on me but I do not need those around me who have made different choices and have not walked a mile in my shoes to deem mine a waste of money. I don't look for approval, only understanding, that I don't want my family to go back to where I came from, is there anything wrong in that?

Minty, I am able to grasp how people spend their money is their choice and business. That was the reason for my post in the first place.

I think we can all make gross generalisations about areas of London and what its like to live in them too happygardening.

As good as the grammars are, they take the best of the best students, but still cannot compare even to mediocre private schools

I can't get over this comment! I think this is so judgemental for someone who is moaning about other people judging her!!

Except, Happy, that I DID do as well, perhaps better, and I grew up on a south London council estate and went to a state school. So I'm talking from a position of experience rather than prejudice.

Trying to look kindly upon the friends who spend lots of money on gym membership, make up, meals out and hairdressers, maybe it's their cack-handed way of saying to the OP that they miss her, because she no longer eats out with them!

I'm not generalising happy. I have three children at 3 different schools - a mix of state and private - and was contradicting the OP's claim that any state school can never be as good as any private school - even mediocre ones. That's an outrageous claim & not been my experience at all.

Clearly my south London state school - which had girls from Peckham in the pupil cohort (one of my friend's lived over a shop in the high street) was better than the Ops mediocre private school since unlike her (according to what she posted above) I had an education that was rich in arts culture and the classics. Therefore, using her logic, all private schools must be rubbish. Except, of course, they aren't, many are utterly outstanding and offer opportunities that can only be dreamed of by others. But not everyone can go to St Paul's.

Thanks Happy, you post resonates.
I am 35 very soon.

I grew up on a north Peckham Estate until University ended and mum managed to buy in ED. Even when we were going to school, we had to hide the fact we were going private, coats over school blazer etc, for fear of getting beaten up. I have lived with murders around, illegal raves, illegal squatting, DV, thugs, gangs, beatings all from my estate. Just going to school, mum would worry who we would meet on the way, going and coming back.

I have been beaten myself, mugged from the other kids growing up. If you knew how some of the estates where, hundreds of flats over looking each other, everyone can see the comings and goings, etc, tunnels, secluded walk ways. One occasion, we were coming home from school even in a taxi the driver refused to take us to all the way home we had to walk the rest of the way. So when a kid usually African just landed or Chinese kid got 5 As it made the South London Press.

My older brother was originally at William Penn School, got beaten to a pulp he still is scarred on his face, he was moved to Geoffrey Chaucer, another state secondary, think both now closed. Bad move that was going from frying pan to fire. Mum had to do something and change our lives.

If you are/were poor and uneducated in Peckham, Walworth, Camberwell, Elephant & Castle, Stockwell, Brixton, Bermondsey in the 70s, 80s and 90s you had no chance unless you went private, even the mediocre ones.

I think times have changed, laws have helped, allot of offending estates are destroyed, but the people are still remaining, attitudes still remain, generational cycles of unemployment, teenage pregnancy and prejudice as soon as I could get out and provided a better life I did and my private schooling did that.

Hello rabbitstew. Yes one friend did say she missed me coming to the gym etc, but I think she would have rather me say I had to cancel as I can't afford it any more rather than because I want to put that money towards fees.

Yes, I do admit I have scaled back my socialising that is expensive, I don't join in the Saturday Morning Giraffe meals or the two weekly girls night out as it was costly and I looked at where I can cut costs without the kids seeing any changes. They never noticed me doing my hair; I'd go to the gym around their activities etc. I'd always say to myself " going out with the girls but not going to spend more than 100 tonight" but I'd always end up spending more so just stopped it unless it for a birthday, even then I do decline the trips away or spa days, my excuse is money is going on the fees and its the truth etc.

Mintyy I'm not making generalisations my areas if expertise in the early 90"s just happened to be demographics, epidemiology, health surveillance, crime statistics and other statistics including education levels in Camberwell Health Authority which included the depressing areas of North Peckham/Camberwell/Walworth.

Why do you say on another thread that you were "educated in the state school all the way through." ?

If you are/were poor and uneducated in Peckham, Walworth, Camberwell, Elephant & Castle, Stockwell, Brixton, Bermondsey in the 70s, 80s and 90s you had no chance unless you went private, even the mediocre ones

Do you know what, OP, I think your logic is skewed however, I think this ^^ is hugely important. I grew up in a vair naice area down south - my parents were very anti-private education, and it was very easy to be so, as some of the state schools, including mine, were not that different to private in intake! There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to repeat your own childhood - in terms of area etc - and, although I disagree with your take on private education, I wish you good luck. Just switch off when others comment on your parenting choices - otherwise it's going to be a long road ahead

OP I haven't been back for a few years I hated the area when I lived there and we lived in the "posh" end. I agree times have changed and the Ayelsbury and North Peckham have of course gone and now properties are very chi chi. Frankly nothing would get me back there.

My point is it is never a waste to spend money on what you value, be it experiences, education, house etc. Others should not openinly say youre wasting your money because one, I believe spending money on education can never be a waste because it changes lives.