Boarding dilemma

[difficultpickle]

I've name changed for this thread as under my usual name ds is pretty identifiable.

Ds did flexiboarding last year and loved it, so much so that I had to limit the number of days he did as I thought he was too young to do as many as he wanted (year 4). Now in year 5 he doesn't want to board at all.

My dilemma is that he needs to do some boarding nights to stay at the school as it is too far to drive every day. Also the activity he loves doing at school means that he should be doing some nights boarding and building up to weekly boarding over the course of the year.

I have said to him that I have no problem with him choosing not to board but that he will have to cease the activity he loves and change schools to one that is more local. He was more upset at that than at the thought of boarding. However he still says he won't board.

Not sure what to do. Do I perserve with his existing school (which he loves, has lots of friends, has support that he needs and gets to do an activity he is passionate about) or do I move him (he will know a couple of people there, bigger class sizes, limited support - he would need a statement which may be hard to get, no possibility of continuing the activity he loves)?

[morethanpotatoprints]

I don't think I could leave a child of mine in a situation where they had to get through being so upset. I would be worried that they would become numb, unable to care and emotionally distant tbh.
We are all different though and some people think it is right that their children go through this.
I would say go with what your gut tells you OP. My dd is a good singer, performs professionally and has not been to boarding school/chorister.
There are so many opportunities for talented children, maybe if he doesn't want to board he could experience something else.

[summerends]

Nobody thinks it is right for their child to go through being distraught However if the OP's son is going to have to be away from his mother if she has to go hospital then being in a familiar secure environment doing what he loves may help them both get through it

[MistyB]

I haven't read all of the responses but is there a chance than he suspects that you are ill, is worried and does not want to be apart from you? Difficult to address as you do not yet know what your health situation is.

[steppemum]

morethan - op is in a catch 22

either - leave him distraught to sleep and get him back to boarding (we are only talking about upset once or twice, not every night.)
or - take him out of the chorister school, which he is distraught about because he loves it.

The first is a shorter upset with good long term consequences
the second is a longer upheaval with unknown consequences

Add to that the op may need hospital stays and she is a single mum, then the ''push him to stay'' is a necessity.

I think many parents nowadays think that if their child is upset that is automatically a bad thing. I tend to think that when life throws us adversity, we need to have coping skills. We learn those as children through small milestones where we have had to do something difficult or even maybe upsetting, but we have got through it. I don't protect my kids from upset, I do watch carefully that it is within their ability to manage.

[schoolnurse]

steppemum but the school hadn't "succeeded" you say you "settled well and was a good pupil" but "desperately missed home". I work very closely with our home sick children once settled few would say they "desperately miss home" in my book a child saying this is still very homesick.
One child we had was very homesick but a year on I would hardly recognise him. He like the OP's DS has unique opportunities to pursue something he loves doing to the highest level and this makes him happy, he is exceedingly well supported and really cared for by the school staff and encouraged by both his parents and the school. I'm not saying he doesn't miss his family, of course he does, but when I went away for a weekend the other day I missed my family.
I can only speak for my school and a few other that I personally know but IME in the majority of schools full boarding has changed in the last ten to fifteen years thankfully it's no longer drafty dorms, porridge, cold showers and child abuse, good schools care about their children emotional and physical well being and work tirelessly with those in their care to ensure their happiness. We obviously want "good pupils" (although I have to admit I have a soft spot for some of our less "good pupils") but not at the cost of a child's emotional well being and happiness.

[difficultpickle]

morethan ds is more upset at the thought of not being a chorister than at the thought of boarding. Last night he says he knows he needs to get over it. He is 9 but emotionally he is more like a 13 yr old. He understands what he needs to do and he understands that if he does get homesick it won't last forever (if it did then I wouldn't let him continue).

I'm going to email the school chaplain as ds says he'd like to talk to him. I may also speak to his form teacher who used to be a house parent. The current house parents were both new to their role last year and I'm not sure have the level of experience to help ds more than they have already tried. They both seem to focus on the fact that ds has made a promise to board one night and broke his promos when he didn't and went home instead. Ds appreciates it is wrong to break promises (he knows I never break a promise) but when he is upset he isn't thinking logically.

[Somethingyesterday]

This is why you need to talk to them about what's going on with you - before Ds's "wilfulness " starts to spoil his relationship with the school. If they know there is an underlying problem - they'll want to help. If they don't know - how soon would it be before they begin to wonder if they've made a mistake? Please be frank with them!

[ExcuseTypos]

Agree with Something.

You must tell them you are ill and waiting to be admitted to hospital. It will bring a completely different prospective to the whole situation.

[difficultpickle]

something thanks for your nagging. You are absolutely right. I hadn't thought about it in those terms. I have emailed the house parents to let them know about my health and to explain that this may be part of the reason ds is behaving like he is.

We have a senior school visit tomorrow which means ds will be a captive audience in the car for a couple of hours. That will hopefully give me chance to try and get to the bottom of what is upsetting him. He refused to tell me when I tried a couple of weeks ago but I'm hopeful that he may want to talk this weekend.

[outtolunchagain]

Is this in a small city beginning with C or possibly E.I have a child boarding in a small school for different reasons but in some ways similar in that the same opportunities could not be had at home , plus also it was at a pinch possible to travel but only if that dominated our lives .I also boarded myself.

I would say he definitely knows you are ill , he may have known before you, when you live closely with someone you sense things , rather like they say pets can sometimes sense things.He may not know what the problem is but he knows something is intrinsically different about you , you owe it to him to talk about it with him( maybe not all of it) and to talk to the school, you are all on the same team .he doesn't want to tell you he thinks something is wrong because he doesn't want to worry you.

You then need with the school and him to devise a strategy to get him back to boarding , I hope the schools pastoral system is up to this .

He needs to know that you are 100% behind him boarding ,that you have no doubts about it being the right and sensible thing , the slightest chink from you will make him doubt and insecurities will creep in .He may speak like a 13 year old but he is 9, you need to be the parent here ( sorry if that is harsh). By allowing him such a say you are giving him too much responsibility which he is unable to some with and he is buckling under the weight of making such a massive choice .

[morethanpotatoprints]

Hello OP.

I understand now, my apologies. I read that he enjoyed singing but didn't necessarily equate this to his life as a chorister.
Meaning it wouldn't be the end of the world if he chose another area to sing. Of course this isn't the issue though as it is a chorister he wishes to be.
I think if he has found somebody to talk to he will be able to get a lot of it off his chest, which should help him tremendously.
I hope that your health improves, it must be a very worrying time for you all.
We have the opposite problem, my dd wants to board for similar reasons but not as a chorister, but I couldn't stand her going and think that she would be homesick.

[schoolnurse]

Your school should to provide each child with the names of someone they can talk too if they're worried, one at least is meant to be independent of the school might be worth considering.

[IndridCold]

OP - coming back to this thread it does sound as if you are making some progress as your DS obviously recognises the problem and has acknowledged that he needs to overcome it.

I understand your desire to keep your health problems private, but I agree that it would help if the school knew at least the basics of your situation. It doesn't sound as if they handled the situation very well by letting him come home at 10 pm - in fact I cannot think of a worse thing for them to have done under the circumstances, but never mind that now.

I hope you have a good day out tomorrow and have some nice, close mum/son time!

[nennypops]

I agree with the person upthread who said that coming home frequently doesn't necessarily help. I boarded from age 11, and went home at roughly three weekly intervals. For a long time the most hellish part of it was coming back from weekends home; I have vivid memories of sitting through school evening meals trying not to cry. But having said that, I wouldn't be keen to send a 9 year old off for several weeks at a time.

Someone certainly needs to talk to DS about why he got so upset at even one night away from you that the school had to send him home - particularly if he can cope with being away from you if he is with your mother. It may simply be that he has built the whole thing about whether he will sleep into a massive problem in his mind, but he needs some help with sorting that out. The chaplain may well be the person who can get to the bottom of that - or even your mum?

[RandomMess]

I hope you're able to have those conversations this weekend with him and all goes well.

[difficultpickle]

We had a chat this morning although ds wasn't particularly talkative. He says he is worried about me and that is one of the reasons he doesn't want to board. I've explained to him that it would help me if he was settled back in boarding. I've also managed to establish that he likes everything about boarding (even his bed there) it is just the sleeping bit he doesn't like. I pointed out that that is the bit that he isn't aware of as he would be asleep.

My mum's tried to talk to him. He didn't mention about me being ill as one of his reasons. He did mention that another couple of boys weren't being very kind but he hasn't mentioned that to me. I know he has spoken to an older boy as I had an email from that boy's mum. Hopefully as he settles more into term he will feel happier about having another go at boarding, hopefully this week.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I'm struggling a bit to find the right words so forgive me if this is a bit clumsy. I didn't board but my mum was seriously ill during my childhood (cancer). The routine of school was a big help to me as it was predictable and a good distraction. When you are playing with your friends or engaged in lessons you forget about your worries. Perhaps your DS needs to know that it's OK for him to have fun and not to spend his time worrying about you. You will always be ready to support him if he does have any issues but it makes your life easier to know he is fine and doing things he loves rather than worrying about you. So by enjoying school and having fun he is doing something good for you as well. I hope this makes sense.

[RandomMess]

Did you actually tell him that you are unwell and being able to rest more by him boarding should help you get better?

[difficultpickle]

Yes, I told him that it would really help me. I felt rather guilty saying it as I'm still not sure that me being ill is really the cause of his relutance to board. I'm worried that he may feel under pressure to board when the reason he doesn't is something else.

Chaz I'm sorry you went through that as a child.

[RandomMess]

As was said earlier you are the parent, he has the option to go to choristor school and board or give up, tbh I think you have to stop enabling him with the running around. You need to talk to the school and continue to explore that there is something else going on (or not) but he's getting too much power/responsibility for his age.

[difficultpickle]

He definitely doesn't have any power over me but I cannot control what school do or don't do. When they called asking me to collect him I refused at first but they absolutely insisted as they claimed he was a danager to himself (he was crying a lot and stopped the minute I got there, which made me think he was just manipulating people who aren't parents!).

[ExcuseTypos]

I actually agree with Random, in that you need to put some kind of time limit on all of this. I think I'd say that by half term he needs to be either mostly boarding, or you will need to start looking at other schools.

It sounds rather harsh, but it might be the push he needs to concentrate his mind.

[ExcuseTypos]

X posted.

I do think if the school and known about your illness, they wouldn't have called you. I think they would have also been able to talk to him about the fact he does worry about you and reassure him that you were ok without him.

[RandomMess]

I also think the longer it goes on the more of an issue it is building up to in his mind.

Speak to the school, tell them if the boarding doesn't resume he will have to leave and you need them to start working with you and not let him being upset/crying to call you in.

Don't envy you at all.

[QuintessentialShadows]

I am sorry to hear you are not well.

I think you have tried everything besides picking him up before singing? Can you talk to the school and tell them he is not doing the singing for a few weeks while he decides whether he is boarding or not?

Maybe it will hit home if you pick him up early and dont get the chorister bit of his day?