Boarding dilemma

[difficultpickle]

I've name changed for this thread as under my usual name ds is pretty identifiable.

Ds did flexiboarding last year and loved it, so much so that I had to limit the number of days he did as I thought he was too young to do as many as he wanted (year 4). Now in year 5 he doesn't want to board at all.

My dilemma is that he needs to do some boarding nights to stay at the school as it is too far to drive every day. Also the activity he loves doing at school means that he should be doing some nights boarding and building up to weekly boarding over the course of the year.

I have said to him that I have no problem with him choosing not to board but that he will have to cease the activity he loves and change schools to one that is more local. He was more upset at that than at the thought of boarding. However he still says he won't board.

Not sure what to do. Do I perserve with his existing school (which he loves, has lots of friends, has support that he needs and gets to do an activity he is passionate about) or do I move him (he will know a couple of people there, bigger class sizes, limited support - he would need a statement which may be hard to get, no possibility of continuing the activity he loves)?

[Somethingyesterday]

And if you do need extended treatment he'll probably need singing to help him through! How difficult.

I think you really will have to talk - urgently - to his school about your health - even though you naturally don't want to. Because they must be wondering what on earth is going on. I'm sure they'll make every effort to resolve things once they know there is a specific problem that is probably affecting him. They won't want to lose him. And I should hope they won't want to let you down once they see how things stand.

You've obviously done everything else that you can.

[difficultpickle]

handcream if there was an obvious and easy answer I would have done it by now. It's helpful to have others' experience of dealing with boarding. At the moment it is just me, my ds and the boarding master trying to come up with ideas to help ds. All of us have drawn a blank.

Moving closer to the school doesn't change the fact that for ds to stay being a chorister he has to board. The choice is simple. However I would hate to move ds if there is a possibility that he can overcome whatever it is that has put him off boarding. That at the moment is the unknown. I need to find someone at school that ds trusts enough to help and support him and I'm not sure who that person is.

[schoolnurse]

If you are likely to need a BMT then once you've got off the waiting list you're going to be admitted hospital. If I knew this was likely to happen to me and I would want my DS settled in school. If he's settled in school before you go through a BMT then you'll be able to concentrate on getting better not worry about him.
So I'm afraid I don't agree with what's written above and I deal with homesick children all the time. Bar 1 those who don't make it as boarders are neither full boarding or at home, their parents are taking them out for the odd weekend (not an exert), meeting them for lunch, they board for two days and then gave three days at home, they take them out for tea, ring them morning noon and night and God knows what else. The parents are also ignoring the schools advise we have years of experience of this in this case we really do know how to handle this situation. If you want him to full board and in fact may need him to full board in the future your just going to have to lay down the law and tell him that's what he's going to do no negotiation. Give him a clear time frame I would suggest a year, nearly all ours settle within two terms some take three, those still desperately miserable after that are probably not cut out for boarding that's life there's nothing wrong with them or the school they are just not compatible. Don't call morning, noon and night or take him out on weekends when he's not really meant to come out just behave like all the other full boarding parents and see how he gets on. If he settles the school (assuming they care about their pupils) will be in an excellent place to offer him the support he may need.
It's a tough thing to do and being unwell and a singe mum means that it's harder for you but you put him in the school in the first place you and he must have been happy with the idea of full boarding and he has enjoyed it you just need to carry on believing it's the right thing to do and do it.

[schoolnurse]

Exeat not exert! Bloody computer doesn't recognise Exeat.

[78bunion]

There is another answer. Move right near the school.

[Somethingyesterday]

"Exert(ion)"? schoolnurse I suspect your computer has a child boarding at a school more than the recommended hour and a half away. It knows exactly what it meant....

Those of you suggesting that the OP is going round in circles or should simply move have possibly never had severe anaemia. She is probably exhausted before breakfast - and finding it very difficult to think at all.

[Candlefire]

I know nothing about boarding schools but could you possibly stay the night there just the once to get the ice broken as it were? Maybe if the school knew your full dilema there may be a way to stay over as a one off thing ( not with him in the dorm, but on the premises somewhere..). It sounds like he is getting almost phobic about it.

[summerends]

Difficultpickle what an anxious time for you. Your anaemia and ensuing tiredness with no let up must make it even harder to function and make decisions.
It is very likely you will need to cope with more time spent at hospitals in the near future whether or not it is as an inpatient for a stem cell transplant. I'm not sure what options you have to look after your DS in such an eventuality but boarding in an environment in which he is happy is an excellent option. However he will be scared to leave you when he feels you unwell whether or not he can rationalise that feeling. The usual advice in this situation is to be open and practical with the child but until you know more details on treatment options that is difficult. One interim measure would be to get him used to you being away. Could you go away for a few days and your mother (or somebody else close) look after him at your home ( perhaps with a taxi service. If he copes with that, and you do it regularly over the next few weeks then you will be in a better position to try the boarding as suggested by school nurse with the boarding staff fully informed.

[schoolnurse]

He may be "getting phobic" about boarding but the question is why? Of course he's at an age where he might not be able to explain why but something is bothering him. As I've already said my money is on the fact that his mum is not well, and understandably anxious about her situation and exhausted. I really feel for them both.
OP how good is the pastoral care at your school I'm not talking about what they write on they website I'm talking about the actual reality. We pride ourselves on our high standards of last pastoral care but I've worked in other places and despite their claims the pastoral care was pretty poor. Many schools an axing since this is the 21 st century still have this stiff upper lip and think of England approach it will make a man out of you etc etc. How approachable do you think he sees the staff. It never ceases to amaze me how pompous and up their own backsides some teachers are and if we as adults see them like this how on earth do they think small children see them.
Assuming your staff are caring and genuinely kind then they must have seen this problem on numerous occasions what have they suggesting you do? The school chaplain might be a good person to speak to especially if your DS likes him but as I've said I would also talk to the house parents assuming they are experienced at the job they must be the best person to advise you.

[LEtranger]

Why don't you call his bluff? At the moment he is not being made to make a choice - he's having his cake and eating it too. You've made it clear that if he wants to stay at this school he has to board and he says he wants to stay, but he's getting you to drive him every day. He's getting what he wants - going to the school and stayin at home with mum, so he has no need to board. He needs to know you're serious - do a bit of research and then when you get him home at the weekend, produce prospectuses and start talking to him about taster days for the schools he's going to have to choose from because he can't stay at his current school if he won't board. This may focus the mind for him somewhat.

On the other hand, is daily transport not possible? DS's school is 17 miles away and he gets a school mini-bus .

I do hope you get it sorted - it sounds as though you could do with him boarding in the current months in any event due to your health!

[handcream]

I have experience of boarding schools. I have never heard of parents staying the night tbh. I would have thought that makes it worse.

[ExcuseTypos]

I think this child is very frightened and worried about something- most probably his mum being ill. I expect he's overheard something, or can just see that his mum is ill. He needs help and reassurance.

I'd suggest firstly telling the school how ill you are and that you do need him to board.
I'd hope they suggest support and help from someone used to deal with the situation, patiently and sensitively.
If they don't offer this support then I think you have no choice but to move him.

Good luck.

[greeneyes1978]

Just a thought but have you tried to get DLA for your health condition? With the money you could pay for a taxi one or two days a week. It's not an easy process but you can get help to fill in the for. Sorry if this has been suggested, I haven't read the whole post.

[RandomMess]

I think he probably has picked up that there is something "wrong" ie you are unwell. I htink you should be more honest with him and explain how it would really help you for him to board for 2 nights in a row to give you the rest you need.

[difficultpickle]

The poster who said I probably had difficulty thinking and was exhausted before breakfast is spot on. I have felt for months like I have the most crippling jet lag. It affects every aspect of my life and is progressively getting worse and that progression is speeding up at the moment which doesn't help. I don't need any help so doubt that I qualify for DLA. I'm also hoping to get better!

Collected ds tonight and dropped him at his grandma's as she has offered to take him to school tomorrow which will give me a bit of a lie in. I explained to him how it would help me if he would do some boarding nights. There is a special activity next week for the choristers which he wants to go to. I have said that if he goes I expect him to board. He said tonight that he just has to get used to boarding again. He definitely enjoys school and enjoys the time he spends in the boarding house. The only thing he isn't doing is lying in his bed and going to sleep there.

[Somethingyesterday]

That sounds like progress.... Please, please talk to the school.

[RandomMess]

Perhaps ask him if there is something he can take to make it feel more like home - duvet and pillow cover washed by you so it smells of home still?

[difficultpickle]

Random he has all that already at school - duvet and pillow covers, cuddly toys, posters etc.

I think he has had time to reflect on last night's concert and how special that was. If he stays being a chorister he will get to do lots of really special things. Plus, and most importantly, he loves singing. He was singing the anthem from Evensong in the car on the way home.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

Poor you & poor ds. If its any c

[Picturesinthefirelight]

If its any consolation there are lots of mums of little ballerinas going through the same on balletcoforum right now.

Dd (a day pupil as we can't afford her to board) says her classmates are homesick

The general consensus is that it's best not to phone/text rev every night. Give them a phone (if allowed) so they can call you but give them control as the more contact with home the worse it is.

Dd has been invited to the boarding house for the evening by her friends. Could your ds friends maybe invite him to a sleepover

I think it will be down to your being ill. He'll have picked up on it & not want to be away from you.

[RandomMess]

I think you just have to be tough on him really, that you understand that it's hard for him to get to sleep there but you need the break from the travelling. If he isn' prepared to board then he will have to leave because you can't carry on as you are.

I know how horrible that is for you but he can't have it both ways I'm afraid

[steppemum]

schoolnurse
I both agree and disagree with you!
I think if you are going to board you should let the child get on with it and not phone, do extra days out etc.

but as a ex boarder, who went at 9 and stayed until 15, I found full boarding really, really hard. I settled well and was good pupil, so by your definition the school had succeeded, but I desperately missed home. As a result of my experience I would be very reluctant to put my child into full boarding.

I think weekly boarding and flexi boarding is a wonderful development and solve some of the problems.

op, what I wanted to say in my last post but hesitated because it is very blunt is this:
I think he may be worried that you are going to die. If he has picked up on something, that will be his underlying fear and he probably can't even acknowledge that to himself. That is why he needs to hear from you an honest talk about your health.

Also, when he does do a night, you need to agree with school that no matter what you are NOT coming to get him. In fact turn off your phone and unplug the landline.

[ExcuseTypos]

That sounds like progress difficult

Please do speak to the school and make them aware of your health. I'd hope they'd be extra supportive. For example you said they phoned you last time he stayed the night, to come and collect him. I hope they wouldn't do that if they were aware of how much you need your rest.

[LilyAmaryllis]

What about the good suggestion upthread about paying someone to drive your DS there and back?

[summerends]

Really good that he is having a night away from you so that he can be reassured even if it's subconciously that being separated from you whilst you are unwell is doable.
There are children in boarding or even sleepovers who are absolutely fine until the moment they need to go to sleep and then get distraught and inconsolable. They do get through it but I can understand them trying to avoid it.
Hope you catch up on some rest.