Argument with school

[Copper]

We have just had the upsetting experience of our youngest son (7) losing 2 permanent front teeth at school, combined with my husband's angry reaction when he went to collect him - the message from school said he had chipped a tooth. DH found him with huge hole in his mouth, huge bulging bump under his eye and exploded with wrath. Not tactful and not how I would have done it, but exactly what I would expect of him. Very concerned to find out how it happened, school kept saying not their fault etc. We had an interview with the head teacher who was absent at the time. We had a different story from the one she had (2 games in the same space, it and football, collision and wham!was what our two sons had said, fell over while playing football was what she had been told). This was talked about quite calmly, and we proposed that better system of separating quick games was needed. She seemed more concerned with making us feel bad about DHs reaction and getting an apology. When it wasn't forthcoming, she told him how unpopular he was (he is usually very reserved).

I feel very upset about this - partly because my husband has obviously upset a lot of people that I have got to know quite well from helping in scvhool, partly because they think horrible things about him.

Dear Copper
The school is on the defensive obviously but definitely should not be focussing on your husband's reaction. Losing teeth can be a traumatic and unpleasant injury. I guess you have contacted your dentist about it? I really think your husband's reaction is quite understandable, he simply wasn't prepared for the extent of your son's injury. He should have been aware before arriving at the school. I feel it is adding insult for the school to criticise your husband's reaction (no doubt caused by worry for the boy) and it is completely unprofessional to make or pass on any comments about other people's views.(who says they are true, anyway?) I think you should be on his side and try not to care about what is, after all, hearsay. You could complain to your LEA about the response from the school.

Yes - we went to the meeting with a letter, which was aimed at being constructive. She probably is right about my husband being unpopular: he is so reserved it's not true, can't recognize people he's met so appears to snub them, and generally lives in a world of his own. I quite often want to apologise for him. I can quite believe he upset the staff at the time, but I just wish she had concentrated on the matter in hand.

DS was whisked off to dentist by him and doctor by me (in case of fractured cheekbone) and is lined up for two temporary crowns.

Copper - How awful for you all, and especially ds. How is he now? I have to agree with the wise comments of CAM and Batters, they have already said exactly what i was thinking. I think that the Headteacher was totally out of order to say those things about your dh. I think his reaction was totally understanding considering the extent of your son's injuries. Some parents would take it a lot firther, so really the Headteacher should think herself lucky that you have been such reasonable parents. Sounds to me that she knew that the school had been in the wrong (having 2 football games being played close to each other is just asking for trouble) had got herself backed into a corner and acted defensively by verbally lashing out. I feel really sorry for you because you are now stuck in the middle. Do you think it might be helpful to make an appointment with the Head (just you and her) to let her know how upset you are about things? Hope you soon get things sorted.

As infuriating and hurtful as the comments about your dh have been I do not think you should enter into a slanging match with the school about it. The important thing here is that the school did not deal appropriately with your sons injury, and i guess they are aware of that. I would write a letter to the chairman of the board of governors asking for an explanation and get him to look into the schools policy. - Should all this fail then contact the lea and await their fervant apologies.

We are waiting for a written response to our letter. In the meantime, I'm just avoiding everyone! And not sleeping very much. Trying to keep the kids out of it is difficult too. Thanks for all your comments - they have been really helpful.

Copper, I think it's really sad that you are suffering so much on behalf of other people! I also agree with the comments made so far re: your dh's reaction and I'm not sure that my reaction would have been any different! The fact that your dh reacted in a particular way is NOT a reflection on you and you are not responsible for what he says/does. I know it is easier said than done but I think you should try to focus on the real problem with the school's actions rather than allow others to detract you into judging your dh's reactions which were presumeable instinctive rather than controlled.

Also, remember that it can be an advantage to have one parent whom the school doesn't like to deal with so that if any problems arise in the future you (good cop) can always threaten them with your dh (bad cop)!

HTH, and good luck with the school.

Copper, just a quick note of sympathy. I agree with the advice you have been given and I fear my husband would have done much the same.

I was really shocked to hear it was two permanent teeth your son lost. Losing his baby teeth would have been bad enough, but at least he would have got his big teeth later. As it is, he is now left with a permanent reminder of this accident. Insurance companies look very seriously on permanent injuries, and compensation rates reflect this. Perhaps the Head is in panic over this - you could have a strong case against the school - and is seeking to deflect attention away from the accident and towards your husband's outburst.

I think you could do with some legal advice here.

Croppy, this sounds really horrible. It must feel like you're stuck in the middle. Poor baby as well- is he feeling better?

I must admit I think I'd be absolutely livid if this happened to one of my kids, though I know it's not the most constructive way to approach things. I think once everyone's cooled down a bit they might well recollect that it's not at all unnatural to be very upset when your child's been hurt. In fact, it'd be strange if things didn't get heated with all the worry and the understandable search for explanations.

I hope things get better soon.

Croppy, this sounds really horrible. It must feel like you're stuck in the middle. Poor baby as well- is he feeling better?

I must admit I think I'd be absolutely livid if this happened to one of my kids, though I know it's not the most constructive way to approach things. I think once everyone's cooled down a bit they might well recollect that it's not at all unnatural to be very upset when your child's been hurt. In fact, it'd be strange if things didn't get heated with all the worry and the understandable search for explanations.

I hope things get better soon.

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Hi Copper. How awful and upsetting for you all. I wish you all the best. My younger sister lost one of her permanent front teeth at the age of 9 due to a playground accident and had a crown fitted. She's now 30 and the crown has lasted all this time and hasn't caused her any problems while growing up.

I am waiting and cooling off a bit. Interestingly, one of the suggestions we made as to how they could separate football and other games a bit better (using orange traffic cones, as immediately visible)has now been put into operation, and the whole idea of playing safely has been stressed to the school.

Copper, thats a horrible thing to happen. I remember nearly knocking my two front teeth out at school doing a somersalt on the trampoline, very painful and soup for about a week, so your little man must be very sore. Not very professional of the school to bad mouth your dh, a little bit of guilty feeling there I think. To make you fell better my dh probably would have knocked someone out and asked questions later, hes not violent, just extremely protective.

Copper, I can't really add anything to this other than to back up what everyone else is saying ie: keep the two issues seperate and concentrate on what the school is doing to prevent this happening again. I just wanted to give you my support espcially as I understand the dh thing as my dh would have flown off the handle in much the same way. I too feel awful when he does it but when I look back on the relevant incident once I have calmed down can usually see that it is a perfectly understandable reaction.
Take care and I hope your ds is ok.

we had a similiar incident with our ds being hurt in the playground, the deputy head phoned home to tell us ds had been bumped into and had a little mark on head but otherwise was fine and not needing to be collected.when we collected him at 2:30 his eye was cut ,his nose was cut ,both injuries caused by his glasses and they were bent right out of shape.the school failed to inform us of this till we seen him for ourselves, i can fully understand your husbands reaction to finding a different story to what yous were initially told as i can only say i was also not best pleased.

I've not been into school after the meeting with the head on Monday apart from to drop them at the gate and run as I had early meetings at work all week. Today I had a bit more time: and found that two people, 1 probably present at the row, and one governor, cut me - well pretended I wasn't there when they would normally talk to me. What do I do? I am sure my husband was appalling to deal with - a really 'difficult customer'. The head ignored the situation and addressed me politely about the PTA disco (I'm secretary of the PTA, I help in school - I have a lot to do with these people). In some ways I feel sorely inclined to jack it all in - but would worry about the effect it would have on the boys. Maybe they are just all very embarrassed. Do I apologize for my husband's behaviour (which he stands by) - do I refer to it and say that I regret it happened? The people he dealt with told the head they were very upset by it and I expect they are. Very confused and in need of advice please.

Sorry things aren't dying down yet, Copper. I'm sure they will with time. (Here's a hopeful smiley )
Firstly, I think that the people "cutting" you are not dealing well with this situation - their actions, whether fuelled by their own upset or not, are unkind and not constructive. I think you are very brave to rise above this and consider how you can ease the situation. Many people would just fume... I would not apologize for your husband if he stands by his behaviour. (I've felt like apologising for my partner on many occasions (and I'm sure he's felt the same re me) but this has always led to extreme tension in the household of Scum.) It might be worth letting people know how upsetting you have found the situation, though, and that you were very worried about your son and the friction between your husband and the school. If you leave rights and wrongs out of it and focus rather on feelings everyone might start to see the situation a bit more clearly. When the health and well-being of their kids is at stake few people can remain calm rational and polite and maybe the people who are upset with your husband need reminding of that.

Copper, I have been in a similar situation with my husband.

We were at a 'children-welcome' adult party with our oldest son, then 6 years old. The couple holding the party were good friends of ours, with a child the same age as my son. It was time to go and I was waiting in the car, then became dimly aware of some commotion. My husband appeared looking daggers, along with my son, crying in great pain. He had just caught his finger hard in a door. My husband (who is a very proficient first-aider) rushed him to the nearest casualty department. He feared our son had suffered some bone damage and wanted his finger Xrayed. He had not, but the wound was very nasty. The day after, I received some angry calls from our hosts. Apparently my husband had totally lost it with them, because they were trying to reassure him that it wasn't so serious, and told him he was overreacting by going to casualty. One of their guests was a nurse, apparently, and felt my son, thought shocked, was OK. The couple were very cross at my husband's rudeness to them in front of their guests, and felt they were owed an apology.

I said I'd certainly pass on the message to my husband, and tell him how upset he'd made our friends, but that was all I could do. I told them, I wasn't there to witness the crisis, and most importantly, I wasn't my husband's keeper, so an apology from me would be worthless anyway. I was sorry the whole situation had occurred but I was simply not going to take sides in this. I said if they felt like seeing me alone in future, that would be OK with me and with my husband. This is in fact what happened for a while ( now things are all right between us all again - time heals etc etc). Every time the conversation swung round to this incident, as it did a few times, or they cast apsersions on my husband, I changed the subject.

Don't know if this applies to your situation, copper, but could you have a word with the PTA people to make it clear that you and your husband are entirely different people. You can understand their feelings, and you certainly don't condone your husband's outburst, but neither can you aplogise for it, and you don't expect to discuss it with them further.

Forgive me for saying this but you seem very down on your husband and very eager to believe the worst of him. Wouldn't it be fair ro say that any of us would react in an aggressive way if our children were hurt or under threat, thats just human nature. If the tables were turned and it had been you who had gone to collect your son, finding him in obvious pain and distress after being treated in a very blase fashion, could you honestly say that you would have acted in a completely reasonable manner ??

Actually you have picked up on a problem here. My husband is so antisocial that is not true, and this was one of the things thrown in our face - doesn't talk to teachers, doesn't acknowledge them in the street, etc. He says he doesn't know who they are, and I have to say he has absolutely no memory for names, faces etc - just not interested. I know its not related to the anger over the injury, and I was upset that this was brought into the discussion. But I do recognsie it as a valid description of how he appears to other people. I am sure he upsets people unintentionally - and its hard to say to people that you are so unimportant to him that even though you have taught his child he does not know who you are. He is quite different in the family, but he just has no social skills at all outside. So I guess I just expect the worst. I did feel it was very unprofessional of the head to bring this up.

Sounds to me Copper there is a few people acting more childish than the children. Why would they be so worried whether your dh says hello or not.

What on earth business is it of the school as to what personality your husband has??. I think its outrageous that they would make such personal remarks.

Absolutely, Croppy. Copper, I have a bit the same situation with my dh sometimes, but I've always felt he was in the right even if people weren't happy about it. Can you smile sweetly and suggest that they speak to him personally if they have a problem with him, not complain to you? It usually works for me.