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Original poster

Think Carefully Before Opting for Private Education

999 replies

PRMum2012 · 29/04/2013 23:50

i am a mum of two (23 months and 3 in august)I am self-employed, part time and married to a lovely architect. We have a great life and two happy kids.

On paper I would say I have not done too badly with my life and my aim is to work full time as soon as possible now my kids are a bit older. If the work was available I would happily work full time now.

Despite setting up my own business I can't help feeling like a failure that I can't afford for my own children, what my parents did for me.... It annoys me that I put so much importance on it ... I am now passionate about finding a decent local primary school for my children so they don't feel the same pressure i do now, when they are older and looking for schools for their kids ....but i'll be honest ......assuming i can afford it i would try and do it from 11 if i can....!!!!...

Hopefully by then, my kids will have an input too and they will be forming their own opinions on the issue.

Depending on mortgage and family support I can't see that it's possible for anyone with two kids earning under £80,000 - £1000,000 + (as a family income) to afford private education anymore, my advice is unless you have a thriving business or two, work as a dr, lawyer or banker.... Forget it.

It's really hard to watch my younger sibling do it for her kids, they are paying for private prep while we cant afford it.... But it really upsets me I feel like this... why can't I just be happy for them and quietly satisfied that I don't need to pay on top of my taxes for my kids education.

For my own primary education i went privately, tried the local school for secondary education but was bullied so moved back to the private system.... I had a mix of private and state during secondary - my second private school was amazing but the second state school I attended for 6th form (my choice) was great too so why is this all having such an impact on what I want for my own kids.

My DH is much more laid back, he went privately all the way through but doesn't place as much value on it as I do/did....I wish I felt the same way but all I feel now is pressure to earn more money so I can pay for them both from 11.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 07/05/2013 20:04

Oh lots of things I do are apparently child abuse Wink...

exoticfruits · 07/05/2013 20:16

It isn't a competition as to who makes the best mother. I am with teacher- I was the best option for my DCs before school and I loved doing it. It doesn't make me a better mother, it doesn't mean that my choice is the way to do it. We are all different. I can't see why that can't be accepted.

Of course some women are miserable if they have to stay at home when they want to be at work, or miserable because they have to work when they want to be at home but it is ridiculous to make out that educated women will be miserable, be abandoned with no money, take drugs, be a servant to the man and spend an entire life doing housework- damaging their DC in the process by limiting their educational chances!

To say that people with the surname Baker, Carter, Thatcher etc never amounted to anything is farcical! (Scraping the barrel for arguments)

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 07/05/2013 20:20

And some people think that only snobs send their children to private schools.

There are narrow minded people on both sides of the argument.

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 07/05/2013 20:23

Apparently 'making' my DCs do 90 min homework each evening plus 20min music practice is me abusing them.

teacherwith2kids · 07/05/2013 20:26

"It isn't a competition as to who makes the best mother. I am with teacher- I was the best option for my DCs before school and I loved doing it. It doesn't make me a better mother, it doesn't mean that my choice is the way to do it. We are all different. I can't see why that can't be accepted."

Exactly, thanks exotic. My choice was the best choice for me and for my children. Xenia's choice was the best choice for her and for her children. I do not advocate that everyone follows my course of action, and believe that there are many ways of raising happy and fulfilled children.

I do react strongly to Xenia's derogatory remarks about those mothers who choose to bring up their children themselves for a period rather than using childcare, and also to her rather narrow view of 'success' in women - or indeed in general. I apologise that I therefore worded my response more strongly than I generally would.

exoticfruits · 07/05/2013 20:36

I don't have any arguments with Xenia as to how she raises her children. It is best for her, it is quite clear she needs to be at work- I think she said at some point that she won't retire. I just keep posting because her comments about women who choose to do it differently are insulting- not to mention untrue. She has a set picture of a 'housewife' and nothing will shift it.

teacherwith2kids · 07/05/2013 20:39

Exactly.

Viviennemary · 07/05/2013 20:45

I'm sure we all do our best for our children within our means. I would have considered private education but we couldn't afford it at the time. So we made sure we were near a good school.

teacherwith2kids · 07/05/2013 20:54

Vivienne, so am I sure that we all do what we believe to be best - and it is important that we respect the choices that others make.

I know that I am guilty - in this thread - of defending my own position so strongly against attack that I have seemed to denigrate that of others, so apologies again.

morethanpotatoprints · 07/05/2013 21:17

I'm with teacher and seeker.

I too had a good career, an exceedingly well paid job, then a successful company and I am well qualified. As soon as I gave birth I knew that all that was the past and being a sahm was the future for me. It could easily have not been. I am really happy and have no regrets and also didn't want nannies or childcare, it just wasn't for me. We are not rich at all and financially it has been difficult but we got there eventually. Grin

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/05/2013 22:28

In our case at the end of my ML it was DH who became the SAH parent, now that the DC are older he is a WAHD. I think that the key is that childcare in the home or out of it is a choice taking into account the needs and wants of all the family members. It shouldn't just be assumed that it will be the woman's career that takes a step back.

bella65 · 07/05/2013 22:52

wordfactory if women are under represented, I think you will find that for many that is borne out of choice- as I said earlier. I didn't say they were as many women as men in the workplace- I said many women didn't have the same aspirations. And the women I know who moan about the 'glass ceiling' ' have actually been overlooked because they aren't that good at their jobs. Nothing to do with having a vagina. And I don't know where you find the evidence that many on MMs are unhappy SAHM. if they want to change that, they can.

Xenia why is it wrong if women earn 30% of the money? I mean, really? Why?

And finally you will find that all the research out there shows that fulltime nursery for children under a year is very detrimental to their development. Bunging a child into nursery at 3 months is tantamount to abuse- every child psychologist you ask will tell you it's wrong.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/05/2013 23:02

Bella

Can you substantiate any of your comments with anything more robust than anecdotes?

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 07/05/2013 23:24

Bella - that comnent has to win the Titanic What Iceberg? award Grin

In the last few days there has been the thread from a mum that can't cope with being the mother of twins, a wife who is trapped in a loveless marriage because she has been a SAHM for twenty years and has no chance of getting a job that will pay for her independence. Then there are all the mums posting how they would love to go back to work but child care costs would be greater than their pay.

MN is full of mums unhappy with being SAHMs. We obviously don't hang out in the same forums

bella65 · 08/05/2013 08:21

I can point you in the direction of various child psychologists who can if you like. Dr Pat Spungin author of Raising Kids ( and much more) does not agree with full time nursery for babies under one.

wordfactory · 08/05/2013 08:33

Bella - the vast majority of parents do not put under ones in nursery. Xenia certainly didn't and nor did I. What makes you think this is something all successful people do?

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 08/05/2013 08:38

I put mine in at 6 months.

musicalfamily · 08/05/2013 08:38

I agree with word above that I don't know anyone who has a successful professional job and has put their children in full time nursery from the age of 1. As I said in another post, most people I know, including myself have done a combination of maternity/paternity leave, part-time working, unpaid leave, nannies, childminders, nursery, parents up until school age, I don't know anyone who has done full time nursery 8am til 6pm from the age of 3 months.

Even in the nursery my children attend (very large, 6 rooms per age group), there is maybe one full time child per room on average.

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 08/05/2013 08:41

... until DC1 started Year R. At which point we hired a nanny to take DC1 to school and to look after DC2.

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 08/05/2013 08:45

Where I am (affluent commuter town) the popular nurseries have a waiting list. I don't know how young the babies are but there are a lot of parents who put their babies into nursery.

So I am a bit Confused that so many of you don't know someone who does.

rabbitstew · 08/05/2013 09:04

I know lots of people who put their children in fulltime childcare from the age of 6 months. Personally, I wouldn't want their lives. I don't know a single one of them who thought it was a good thing to do, rather than a necessary evil.

Spero · 08/05/2013 09:09

I am a lawyer and put my baby in full time from 7 months. Her nursery was FULL. Ad there were quite a few in the local area - all full. There are lots and lots of people who have to put young babies in nursery under one.

My daughter is 8 and seems fine. She enjoyed herself and have access to lots of activities I would never had time or patience for.

If that is not right for your child fine, don't so it. But don't pretend your experience is universal and/or the only right thing to do. I would have had no job to back to if I had taken 2 or 3 years out.

Spero · 08/05/2013 09:10

Bella - I think you need to shadow me in court for a week or so, so you can learn what child abuse really is.

seeker · 08/05/2013 09:17

I know people who have- or have had- very young babies in full time child care.

I don't think I know anyone who didn't wish there was another solution. Certainly for the under 1s.

One of the reasons we left having babies so late is that we wanted to be well enough established to be able to have genuine choices about how we organised our family lives.

Spero · 08/05/2013 09:25

Well I don't 'wish' for another solution. It worked fine for me and my daughter.

Oddly she managed to bond with me and grow up into a happy child.

All those who think nurseries for under ones is tantamount to abuse, please do share your evidence. I have a remarkable lack of care cases proceeding on basis that a baby under 12 months was a nursery.

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