Think Carefully Before Opting for Private Education

[PRMum2012]

i am a mum of two (23 months and 3 in august)I am self-employed, part time and married to a lovely architect. We have a great life and two happy kids.

On paper I would say I have not done too badly with my life and my aim is to work full time as soon as possible now my kids are a bit older. If the work was available I would happily work full time now.

Despite setting up my own business I can't help feeling like a failure that I can't afford for my own children, what my parents did for me.... It annoys me that I put so much importance on it ... I am now passionate about finding a decent local primary school for my children so they don't feel the same pressure i do now, when they are older and looking for schools for their kids ....but i'll be honest ......assuming i can afford it i would try and do it from 11 if i can....!!!!...

Hopefully by then, my kids will have an input too and they will be forming their own opinions on the issue.

Depending on mortgage and family support I can't see that it's possible for anyone with two kids earning under £80,000 - £1000,000 + (as a family income) to afford private education anymore, my advice is unless you have a thriving business or two, work as a dr, lawyer or banker.... Forget it.

It's really hard to watch my younger sibling do it for her kids, they are paying for private prep while we cant afford it.... But it really upsets me I feel like this... why can't I just be happy for them and quietly satisfied that I don't need to pay on top of my taxes for my kids education.

For my own primary education i went privately, tried the local school for secondary education but was bullied so moved back to the private system.... I had a mix of private and state during secondary - my second private school was amazing but the second state school I attended for 6th form (my choice) was great too so why is this all having such an impact on what I want for my own kids.

My DH is much more laid back, he went privately all the way through but doesn't place as much value on it as I do/did....I wish I felt the same way but all I feel now is pressure to earn more money so I can pay for them both from 11.

Most women know that the more women who choose to stay home and keep house the more they destroy the progress of other women. Your personal choices are political.

Oh Xenia. Not political, personal. My mum fought hard so I had the right to make whatever choices I wanted. You have made your choice and I have made mine - to do a variety of careers,sometimes stay home but ultimately to decide my own fate. I have been happily married for over 20 years (to the same man) and have 5 wonderful kids. Can't see where I went wrong !!!

Thanks Mum will take you up on it!

Xenia that is just bollocks. Truly.

I'd put it another way.

The more that women bleat about 'feminism' and the notion that women who don't work out side the home are somehow letting down the girls, the more they turn the clock back and make women feel guilty.

There is nothing right about choosing to work, anymore than there is nothing 'wrong' in choosing not to work.

The women I know who work looking after the home, children, etc are doing so out of choice. They made a deal with their ( almost always) high earning husbands- you earn the money and I'll take on the domestic stuff. usually based on the sound idea that their children need at least one parent who is in the country most of the time and there to help with homework, cook their dinner etc, instead of delegating it to a stranger.

I expect Xenia is having palpitations at this.

There is room on the planet for both- women who want to work and have a career, and women who want to be full time mums, often picking up a career or retraining once their children are older.

If feminism means belittling those women who choose to live their lives that way then you should be ashamed to call yourself one.

Bella, you are def invited to pub any day of week !! I've left my husband looking after kids, doing the ironing while I sneak off for couple of hours with very old friends. We are meeting in Clapham if you're near by

And Xenia, you can come too ! Will make for a lively evening. Have 2 Company Directors, one Princess (yup a real one), one who has never worked a day in her life and 3 of us who have done lots of things. Between us we have 24 kids ranging from 26 to 1. Two have full time nannies, one has more staff than it takes to run the Savoy and then there's me. Love em all after 26 years. A more diverse group of woman you are unlikely to meet ! Oh except we all went to Oxford and all like a glass or two of wine. And we all believe that woman are awesome and should never feel guilt about their choices. But it must be their choice !!! Right, train here now so I'm off. Thanks for keeping me busy while travelling

We both have a 20 year marriage and 5 children and reasonably well educated.... except I only drink water...

Enjoy the drink.

The bottom line remains that the more women stay at home and let their husband's career soar into the ascendancy the harder it is for the women who follow us. It limits choice not increases it. Once mean do 50% of children and once a 100% female board is as likely as 100% male then you can sit back and be housewives. Until then you do not have my permission....

There is nothing inherently wrong with women staying at home if that is their choice.

If you can convince me otherwise then go ahead. I just don't buy this idea that the fewer women who work, the harder it will be for women to further their careers. Ambitious and driven women have always succeeded and will continue to do so. it's about ability and merit- not percentages.

You are promoting your choice. It doesn't suit everyone. If you want true 'equality' then men will have to be able to give birth. Because the bottom line is that some women enjoy looking after their children and make the choice that they do not want to juggle work and childcare . These women are lucky- some women have no choice but to work even if they'd rather not.

Xenia

Oh you are so funny. Have you ever thought that women who do have careers don't work in an environment where there is a chance of being in a boardroom as its not that boring of a career, that a boardroom would exist.
Why do you think a sahm is a housewife? The term or the role hasn't been used since the 1950's, women moved on, lol.
I don't care what other people do its up to them, as what I do is up to me. Why would anybody think differently.

Mum thanks for the offer but not near Clapham- sorry :) But have fun!

Housewife is one of Xenia's favourite words.

Is it always pronounced with a sneer and a look of utter dismay?

Yep.
"Dregs" is said in the same tone.

I wonder who is considered to be a dreg then?

Housewives, silly.

Oh and benefit claimants. Probably.

If by that you mean women who don't earn enough to get all their child benefit payments clawed back in tax, then you're probably right, Wuldric.

I don't mean that. I was just guessing at how Xenia might define a dreg.

Dregs- children who don't get into selective schools. I kid you not. I have the post saved somewhere, because I couldn't believe what I was reading.

I guess it takes all kinds!
Good job we don't have to mix with people like this in rl.

I used the word dreg once. I have used lots of other words. If people want to find one word and quote it out of context that is up to them but I respect all people. Luckily I live in a country where I am allowed to express feminist views just as people are allowed to say working mothers (but of course never fathers) farm out their children and do not bring them up which is of course not true.

However you cannot get around the fact that all the couples on mumsnet where men earn money and women';s contribution is minimum wage pin money or no money do women damage. We will never get women to positions of power if they all wimp out and stay home. It has a huge impact on those women left behind too including the 30% who never have children as we are all tarred with the same brush and the view is formed that a lot of women once they have children stop work or never go back so why bother with women. It has a big impact and also usually those women ultimately are not very happy , plus their children do not benefit and they are taking big risks in depending on men who may die or leave to keep them and giving a very bad example to daughters that women's place is to serve men domestically whilst men earn money.

The fact that the word was even in your mind to describe children is very telling.

The fact that you refused to apologise for using it is even more telling.

Xenia.

You are talking rubbish.
I haven't worked for an employer since first giving birth 20+ years ago. During this time I have seen a huge change in women returning to work and forging careers post birth of their dc.
I have a dd who will do what makes her happy in life, as we have brought her up. I would much rather her find her own way than feel she had to live up to all the expectancies you have given your dc. My other two ds are doing fine and are well rounded and certainly don't believe woman's place is to serve men why on earth would they, lol? Do you have any idea at all what sahm's do and how happy many of us are?
I think its setting your dc a bad example to be so closed minded and forcing them into a particular lifestyle because its what you did.

I think very few people-men or women want positions of power-it takes over your life. I certainly don't and couldn't stand DH having one either. Who on earth wants to me married to an MP-man or woman? Family life would take second place. (or lower)
also usually those women ultimately are not very happy , plus their children do not benefit -I was hugely happy and it had enormous benefit for my DCs.
they are taking big risks in depending on men who may die
He did die-the reality was that I was much better off financially.
or leave if you are sensible you would have the joint finances organised.
giving a very bad example to daughters that women's place is to serve men domestically whilst men earn money

I have never served a man domestically-we are a family unit.

exotic

Yes for the family unit, its what life is about after all.

I can't understand this attitude that you are living to work.
Work is something you do in order to live-obviously you want it to be interesting and you need to earn enough to live-beyond that you need plenty of time to do the things you want.
As a family I wanted time with my family and proper time -not the dreaded quality time where they are slotted into a busy schedule. Therefore a position of power for either of us was out-unless it was one that you could do for a few years and earn enough to retire really early. As a family unit you need to organise life to suit you-if that is full time work then fine-go for it it BUT please stop telling those who don't find it of over-riding importance that they can't stay at home and they are letting women down. Other women can do as they wish -I am not ruining my life just to be a sort of role model that I don't want to be and don't think that I even need to be.

I also fail utterly to see why a woman who chooses to take a few years off paid employment is 'serving a man' or why on earth they should never get out of the house and have a strange obsession with cleaning! I have said many times that the only time I have had a cleaner was when I was a SAHM-life was too varied and busy to do it. Once I was back at work it was more routine and easier to fit in-I no longer needed a cleaner.