I think this is such a difficult debate I am not sure where to start.
DS is bright and got into a grammar school in a super-selective part of the Country. He actually passed all three he took. He didn't have a tutor per se but we did run through practice papers with him for the six months leading up to the 11+ exams. We don't live in an exclusively grammar school dominated area and there are some very good comprehensives fairly locally which effectively have a grammar school stream.
DS is bright but always coasted at primary school. For us (and it was primarily his wish to try for the grammar schools) and for him the choice to put him in for grammar school exams was based on wanting him to achieve his best, to be stretched and to compete with like-minded children. We were keen to look at schools where he felt comfortable. He would probably equally felt at home at some of the comprehensives in our area but not all of them.
I come from a working class background but went to a grammar school. Even all those years ago there weren't many children in receipt of FSM (I was one of them). I recall that even in "those days" some of the middle-class children in my primary school had tutors to help them pass.
I sit slightly uncomfortably in this debate having been a life-long Labour Party supporter. Whilst I agree with comprehensives in theory it is only where they truly have a real cross-section of abilities, socio-economic demographics and cultures that they are really fulfilling their potential and that of their pupils.
We don't live in an affluent area and we neither considered the primary or secondary schools in our locale as viable options for our DCs. I'm sorry but I want my children to go to school to learn and develop a love of learning, not to have classes disrupted by lots of disruptive, turned-off-education children and to effectively be studying in an anomolous mono-cultural environment. I know that a lot of the comprehensives in neighbouring Boroughs are very good but due to catchment area restrictions we wouldn't have got him into one of those.
If you had the choice would you opt for a grammar school or a comprehensive that has gangs?
But you are right that the grammar schools seem to be the preserve of the middle-classes. You can just tell by the rather limited range of traditional boys names. DS is one of three with his name in his class and there are others in the year group too!
A lot of DS's primary school classmates did apply to grammar schools even though they are out of Borough. In essence the ones who passed were all middle-class, although the others all have non-UK born parents (but all are degree-level educated).
I do think there is a bit of a sour-grapes thing going on here though. There are aspirant working class families who will encourage their children to the nth degree and we have friends who would fall into this category. Equally though there are middle-class parents who can't be bothered with it all (hence the tutors in some cases!) or who will change their views about grammar schools if their DCs haven't made the grade.
I think that this Country does need to stimulate its intelligent youngsters wherever they are educated. We are lagging behind and we need to prevent the brain drain once these highly intelligent youngsters have completed their studies. Yes, many people at the top of their game did so without the benefit of grammar school education but looking at my own experience, my grammar school cohort are certainly all in 'leadership' roles. It is almost a given that the pupils will achieve whereas in some comprehensives the pupils' aspirations are stifled.