Coping with children's attitudes to private school

[GooseyLoosey]

There have been lots of threads here about the way in which adults view private education but I am looking for some advice in relation to children's perspectives.

I live in a small village and I took my children out of the village school in April. I am aware that some people have criticised my decision and perceive me negatively as a result. This upset and surprised me, but I am a grown up and can deal with this.

Because the community we live in is a fairly close one, I have tried very hard to ensure that the dcs remain a part of it. This means that they are still involved with village sports and I ensure that they still see village friends.

The problem is that ds (9) is now getting a lot of negative comments about the school he goes to, about how it is full of nerds and he will grow up to be a geek with no friends etc. etc. He is easily hurt and he wants to react to this by withdrawing from village life completely.

What do you think? Should I let him or should I encourage him to confront their views?

[Sparklingbrook]

If that's what it takes Goosey.You don't want to be miserable about it a minute longer.

[difficultpickle]

Goosey it is no surprise you've been upset. It is a big decision moving schools and really hard to know whether you are making the right choice. Ds moved for different reasons other than problems at school but by the time we came to move it had got to the stage that I would have moved him anyway. I've been very selective whom I've shared that info with as I know I will be judged (more than I have already!). It is very hard for others to understand what may be the perfect school for their dcs is no the right place for yours. Rightly or wrongly the fact you have moved can only be perceived as 'this school isn't good enough for my dc'. Sometimes you have to just tough it out.

[Sparklingbrook]

Thanks for saying that bisjo. When I moved DS1 I couldn't really explain to the head what was wrong. it just wasn't the school for him. To other parents I have said 'it just didn't work out for him'. It's awkward.

[GooseyLoosey]

Tribal is a great word to describe the way children act Nit, you are spot on.

Bisjo and sparkling - you are right, ds and I just have to tough it out.

I too have never discussed the real reasons for moving ds. He was systematically bullied quite badly by one child (not in his class) and most people believe that is the reason we moved him. Only my closest friends know that a much greater factor was the low level and persistent behaviour of a number of boys in his class - ultimately that was much more hurtful and damaging for ds.

[wordfactory]

I have never understood why parents take it so personally if someone decides to move their child.

It seems common sense that what works for one won't work for all. Schools are institutions after all. They cannot possibly offer somehting that will suit all comers.

[stealthsquiggle]

This is definitely an advantage (one of few) of being in a village so small that there is no school. The DC in the village go to a range of different schools, so the fact that our DC are (I think) the only ones in an independent school doesn't make any difference - it's just a.n.other school as far as they are all concerned - there is no one dominant school to form a "tribe" - and, FWIW as far as the reverse goes, from what I have seen, when DS and his friends get together with DC who have left their school to move to state schools (or indeed DD gets together with mates from nursery) they are all just very excited to see each other.

Goosey - is there any chance that DS could be given the confidence to point out that they need him (or maybe there is a way you can point it out)? and that they therefore need to get over themselves about the school move?

If not, I would be tempted to leave it. It's not for ever - if the remaining children don't all go to the same senior school then the single school "tribe" will be broken up at that point anyway, and there will be other village stuff for DS to re-engage in at that point. My DS went to Beavers in a neighbouring village, but eventually the fact that everyone else was at the same school just became too much - they weren't outwardly nasty about it, they just knew each other much better than he knew any of them, and he lacked the confidence to 'break in' to established friendship groups, so although he loved the activities, we gave it up (and he doesn't seem to have regretted it). Football is, after all, supposed to be fun - so if it's not fun any more, there doesn't seem much point.

[GooseyLoosey]

They do need him Stealth. He is good in the position he plays and without him, the team will be at risk of folding. I think he will give it a couple of more weeks - and I will point this line out to him - and if nothing changes, that will be it for him.

[stealthsquiggle]

Fingers crossed then, Goosey, that they are at least bright enough that if he issues a "get over yourselves or I quit" ultimatum then they will realise that they need him more than he needs them.

Also, hopefully, having a plan and an agreed timeframe will make him feel better/more confident going in.

DC do form tribes, and to some extent that is healthy - the trick, IMO, is to make sure they belong to a variety of different tribes in different circumstances and that none of the tribal behaviour gets out of hand. Clearly the coaches don't "get" that they need to make the team/club into a tribe in itself, and separate it from school issues.

Good Luck.

[gelo]

Good luck goosey. It sounds a good plan. If you can't resolve it then don't stick with it and it's their loss.

@seeker I'm not wanting a private/state argument at all and can't see why you think I did. Bullying the other way wasn't relevant to the thread, so why mention it? More likely to start yet another a state/private argument if one starts comparing/contrasting imo, so I just stuck to the closest example I know about to the OP's situation and then pointed out the differences.

[teacherwith2kids]

Apologies, coming in at a tangent, because this thread reminded me of my own experience as a child.

For secondary, I moved from a village primary to an academic girl's private boarding school on a scholarship.

It was utterly unknown for anyone not to go on to the local secondary - in fact, the only children who didn't were those who went to the (quite distant) Special School.

I well remember children whispering to one another behind their hands as to what might be so wrong with me that I had to go to Special School as 'we always thought tw2k was NORMAL'. There was also a lot of teasing of a very un-PC late 70s kind in terms of miming of special needs....

[Greythorne]

Reminds me something my mother always says: you can have the thing you most want, but you can't have the things you want a bit less.

You can get a better education for your children but you can't have that AND be integrated into the village community.

Harsh but true.

[TiAAAAARGHo]

Do talk to the coaches. The children are simply repeating their parents prejudices (and the comments they have probably heard when they asked if they could go to his school). It's ridiculous but should be nipped in the bud now.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

TiAAAARGHo
Unfortunately the coaches are the parents.

[TiAAAAARGHo]

I know. But I think the OP should still say something.

[Sparklingbrook]

I think in this case actions speak louder than words TBH.

[losingtrust]

I have had the same with friends kids who will not talk to mine now because they are not at private school. They see them as below them. I personally think this also comes from some of the parents. However, in the same way I would not discourage them from friendship though because from an early age you need to learn to get on with people from different backgrounds and to cut them away may make it harder for them in later life.

[happygardening]

losingtrust your comment
"I personally think this also comes from some of the parents"
Where else do you think it comes from certainly not the school my DS's would be appalled at such behaviour. It comes from either a child's family or from the families of a child's friends.

[rabbitstew]

I think Greythorne is both right and wrong. Nobody can have their cake and eat it - if you are not educated in the community, you are no longer fully part of the community and are missing out on a very big part of it. That's part of the reason why there isn't much sense of community any more - most parents, particularly working parents since fewer and fewer adults work in their own community these days, put community exceptionally low in their list of priorities (and then wonder why local provision is so shit and nothing ever works...). HOWEVER, it should be possible to get involved within the community at different levels. Communities which expect you to be fully involved or not at all are doomed to become very tiny, judgmental places which eventually implode, anyway. To ostracise someone who still wants to play a part is RIDICULOUS.

[seeker]

Actually, I don't blame the parents of the kids who are taunting my ds. I think they are coming up with it all by themselves. The cherubs.

[TalkinPeace2]

Several of the kids from the town up the road get the train to a school in the next county
they are regularly subjected to hoots of "rich boy" and "snob"
its a STATE grammar school.

Children pick up on difference.

[losingtrust]

That is quite true Talkin. My own DD wanted to go to the grammar and then this year turned round and said 'I don't want to go now it is full of snobs'! I was taken aback with this. This had not come from me but must have come from some of her school friends. I did put her straight. When I was a kid, I put up with being shouted at and boys from my school being picked on on the way to school because we were at the State catholic school and not normal. The two local schools regularly used to come over to try and beat the boys up. If anything though it just made us bond more and we started to enjoy being different! However on a negative point, it is the type of problem that can lead to a kind of ghetto culture!

[happygardening]

"if you are not educated in the community, you are no longer fully part of the community and are missing out on a very big part of it."
This "community" guff stuff comes up over and over again your comment rabbitstew is insulting to all of those who don't have children; pensioners, those without children, single people those whose children have grown up. The world does not involve around those with children and the local school. In my small rural town (pop 4000) we have many who don't have children and many of these were born here they are as much part of our "community" as those with a couple of children in fact they see those from outside as damaging the "community" with their internet shopping, no real understanding of rural/farming life and NIMBYisms!

[rabbitstew]

Sorry, happygardening, but I disagree with you. It's bollocks that it is insulting to people without children - if you don't have children, there is one important part of the community it is hard for you to play a part in, that's a fact, not an insult. You can still have an important role to play in the community in other ways, of course, and can volunteer at the local school and still be a part of it... you have a different role and part to play in the community if you are childless, not no role.

If you do have children and don't send them to the local school, though, then it is not insulting to point out that you have made it harder for those children to play a part in the local community, because most of the time they aren't IN the local community. You can be insulted as much as you like, but you're talking out of your backside.

[rabbitstew]

Perhaps you were (deliberately?) assuming I was talking about adults when I said it's harder to play a part in the local community if you aren't being educated in it??????? Since when do pensioners have to go to school, anyway?

[rabbitstew]

And the same applies to single people whose children have grown up... What on earth have any of your examples got to do with children and they way in which they get involved in their local community?
In the village where I grew up, there was no school and no shop. The only meeting place was the church. If you didn't go to church, you missed out on the only meeting place. Consequently lots of very unreligious people would pop along on a Sunday...