Coping with children's attitudes to private school

[GooseyLoosey]

There have been lots of threads here about the way in which adults view private education but I am looking for some advice in relation to children's perspectives.

I live in a small village and I took my children out of the village school in April. I am aware that some people have criticised my decision and perceive me negatively as a result. This upset and surprised me, but I am a grown up and can deal with this.

Because the community we live in is a fairly close one, I have tried very hard to ensure that the dcs remain a part of it. This means that they are still involved with village sports and I ensure that they still see village friends.

The problem is that ds (9) is now getting a lot of negative comments about the school he goes to, about how it is full of nerds and he will grow up to be a geek with no friends etc. etc. He is easily hurt and he wants to react to this by withdrawing from village life completely.

What do you think? Should I let him or should I encourage him to confront their views?

[GooseyLoosey]

Thanks Gelo. Lots of other village activities, but he will have to confront these children at all or most of them.

I think their parents are anti-private school in principle (they are certainly amongst those who have comment on us in private) and thus attacking ds on the basis of his school is shrugged off and seen as not too bad.

I think if ds withdraws from football, he will refuse to engage in any village activities again. It will not be until much later that he might regret this. Dd by contrast does loads still in the village and really enjoys it.

[GooseyLoosey]

shoeshineboy go away or at least read the thread before you wade in with your own prejudices.

[seeker]

Go away, shoeshine boy.

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

I think when you said the kids 'liked dd before and they like her now', you probably put your finger on the problem. These were the boys who made ds unhappy before, yes? and now he's moved and they have only one forum to be unpleasant, and a very 'easy' way to pick on him. Lucky me, I've never had to have anything to do with football, but it strikes me it could be a place where male egos and opportunities for nastiness get a bit intensified. I'd be inclined to find another football club, I reckon, because this one sounds a bit rotten.

[seeker]

Please don't spend time analysing the parent's motives. Or get hung up on the private/state thing. These boys bullied your ds before and it hasn't changed. Focus on the bullying and how to deal with it.

What do they do or say that your ds finds so upsetting?

[Sparklingbrook]

FGS shoeshineboy put a sock in it.

[seeker]

Shoeshineboy- had you considered starting your own thread? Your comments are wildly inappropriate and unhelpful on this one.

[Sparklingbrook]

What would the thread title be though seeker?

[GooseyLoosey]

You are right - the private thing may be a bit of a red herring. I don't know how to deal with them though except to remove ds from any contact with them - which I think is where I am ending up.

What they say ranges quite a bit from comments about going to a geeky/ nerdy school where he'll grow up to be wierd and have no friends (oh the irony) to ones which continually snipe at the way he plays football on the basis that he goes to a school where they don't play proper sport (there is considerable irony in that too if only they knew).

[difficultpickle]

Goosey I'd assume that shoeshine wouldn't have the interest to work through the entire thread

My db was very anti private school for his dcs. He had the income but was politically against selective education, despite having the benefit of a grammar school education himself. He recently admitted that it was the worst decision he had ever made for his dcs and really regrets sticking to his principles.

[GooseyLoosey]

shoeshineboy, I get you are here to stir. Please before you entertain yourself in this way do you think you could give a moments consideration to the hurt you might cause and read what I am actually saying about my son. I will not reply to you further on this thread.

[Sparklingbrook]

The bottom line is that you want your children to be happy. That's why we moved DS1 from a school half a mile away to one 12 miles away. the bus costs a fortune and I have to drive him to the stop. But he's happy.

I think reading between the lines you would quite like him to jack the football in Goosey, it's making you both upset.

[wordfactory]

OP I agree with the other posters who say the private school thing here is a red herring. If it weren't that, these little buggers would find somehting else to be mean to your DS about.

I'm not saying kids don't get bullied just for being in private school BTW (a freind's DD was spat at on her bus not too long ago for no other reason than wearing the wrong blazer)..just that I don't think it's central here.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

shoeshine - this thread is not about you or your ego

GooseyLoosey it may be that your son will become more resiliant because he is not exposed to these boys on a daily basis and he has developed a good friendship base elsewhere. I would be tempted to give him a bit longer to see if the bullying stops or he just gets to a point where he doesn't care. In the meantime investigate other possibilities like scouts. Even if these boys are at scouts they won't have their parents to hide behind and a sensible scout leader should be able to deal with any attempted bullying.

What does your son want?

[GooseyLoosey]

Word and Sparkling, you are both right. I guess if it was not this it would be something else. I think I had overlooked that fact as it had not happened in the football context before. I also think that there is an element of it being a private school thing as their parents kind of condone their comments in this respect and so are maybe less likely to check it - that's pure (and, I know, useless) speculation though.

It is making me unhappy but I lost my ability to be objective about these children a long time ago so I try not to let my unhappiness or feelings about them influence decisions for ds. I will let him make his own decision on this (which will be to stop) and support him in any way I can.

[GooseyLoosey]

Chaz - he is conflict-averse so will want to just distance himself from it all. I don't think he really values the positives he gets from the football at the moment (and there are some) so it won't be a difficult decision for him.

[Sparklingbrook]

I think stopping is the right decision TBH. I would be in tears if I had to listen to DS being unhappy week after week. if it leaves the team in the lurch so what-you have a very good reason to part company with them.

Have a chat and a cuddle with him later and see what you can come up with with regard to other activities. You will miss that muddy kit.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

If you think scouts would work for him instead could it be presented as a swapping activities rather than simply quitting football.

Having said that, sometimes walking away from a bad situation is the right thing to do and it can take quite a lot of courage to say enough of this, I can do without you.

[gabsid]

You are being slightly different, jearlousy on the parents part, close knit villages.

I live in a village, have lived here for 4 years and feel that we don't quite fit. The fact that I don't speak English to my DC may be part of the reason, but I don't care, I want them to be bi-lingual.

I do find it draining though, there are several people here that would ignore me/us on the school run despite seeing them regularly.

I feel we just aren't part of the 'in crowd', which I don't care about, but politeness I do care about.

I feel that also affects DC (7 and 4) when trying to make friends.

[GooseyLoosey]

Gabs - you are right about the village "in-crowd". I feel for you trying to deal with that. One of the nicest things about having moved the dcs to a school outside of the village is that I no longer know the parents of their friends and no longer feel the same level of personal involvement in what happens.

Sparkling, I have been in tears so many times, I am surprised that I have tears left to cry. Even dh has cried over it all, which takes some doing. I think perhaps as a family we need to walk away, completely, and never look back and just keep on walking.

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

It is very hard when you think another child is a little shit anyway, to be in any way objective in the ways you suggest your own child deal with it!

FWIW my dd goes to dancing with another child she was close to all through primary school but now in year 7 they are at different - pretty much equivalent - comprehensive schools and dd hears little else than how shit her school is compared to friends, how it's chavvy, how they wear their collars wrong ( ) etc etc. Children can be ludicrously tribal about their schools.

Hence the rhyme round here -' [x school] rules/ [y school] drools' - and how very telling that the school names are utterly interchangeable depending who's doing the chanting.