Coping with children's attitudes to private school

[GooseyLoosey]

There have been lots of threads here about the way in which adults view private education but I am looking for some advice in relation to children's perspectives.

I live in a small village and I took my children out of the village school in April. I am aware that some people have criticised my decision and perceive me negatively as a result. This upset and surprised me, but I am a grown up and can deal with this.

Because the community we live in is a fairly close one, I have tried very hard to ensure that the dcs remain a part of it. This means that they are still involved with village sports and I ensure that they still see village friends.

The problem is that ds (9) is now getting a lot of negative comments about the school he goes to, about how it is full of nerds and he will grow up to be a geek with no friends etc. etc. He is easily hurt and he wants to react to this by withdrawing from village life completely.

What do you think? Should I let him or should I encourage him to confront their views?

[rabbitstew]

[hgrin]

[happygardening]

"Where I grew up, since it wasn't the village with the school and shops and pubs and bus service, you went to church and sang in the choir whether you wanted to or not if you wanted to get to know people in the village, you visited all the elderly people who were living alone to talk to them and check they were OK, and you knew all about every person in the village, whether they were bitter about having had to go into service rather than go to the grammar school in town, who had been caught out having an affair with his secretary, who was an alcoholic etc. There was no hiding"
It sounds like the village I was bought up in no football club only hunting. The biggest crime was being a Baptist!! The vicar could have an affair with with the methodist lay preachers wife,but Baptists were talked about in the same tone of voice that people now talk about paedophilles!

[rabbitstew]

I now live in a small town, too (bigger than yours, though) and the possibilities for community involvement are far bigger than in the village in which I grew up. Where I grew up, since it wasn't the village with the school and shops and pubs and bus service, you went to church and sang in the choir whether you wanted to or not if you wanted to get to know people in the village, you visited all the elderly people who were living alone to talk to them and check they were OK, and you knew all about every person in the village, whether they were bitter about having had to go into service rather than go to the grammar school in town, who had been caught out having an affair with his secretary, who was an alcoholic etc. There was no hiding - unless you were blissfully unaware, because you commuted to work, came home and slept, then did the same again the next day, in which case you would be talked about in blissful ignorance. The OP's village doesn't sound that extreme, but it is clearly far smaller than your cosy sounding town! I can well imagine that in a small village, the withdrawal of a child from the local primary school is considered a notable event and will have a bigger impact on opportunities for involvement than it would in a town with something actually going on in it... so, if football is the only opportunity for involvement, now, then it is actually quite a big issue.

[happygardening]

You are right Rabbit it is a town all be it a very small one. I came from a village with 15 houses so am pretty aux fait with the term village. I described where I live as a town but to those living in London it must sound pretty claustrophobic I thought 4000 people might sound like a village!!

[rabbitstew]

I certainly don't think your experience is of any relevance to someone who has described themselves as living in a SMALL village.

[rabbitstew]

Then you are lucky, happygardening. But would you really describe where you live as a village? 4,000 people sounds like a vast village to me, with ample opportunities to get involved in all sorts of different ways. Small villages are NOTHING like this and there are very limited ways to get involved rather than to just live in your house and commute to school and work and then come home again.

[happygardening]

How do you define being part of the community? He knows all our neighbours, the local policewoman etc and for want of a better word barmy prominent people in our town. When home he too shops in the local shops attends town and community activities and even community consultations walks our dogs in parks and fields and greets strangers and even demonstrated against a local planning application. In fact he does as much if not more than those being educated here. Also I don't know where you live Rabbit but many children come to our highly regarded comp from up to 20 miles away in fact over 70% are bused in from the villages so they too are not being educated in their "community". But the community spirit experienced by nearly all who live here remains.

[rabbitstew]

Do you really think that your ds at boarding school is as much part of the community as you are????? Sorry, but I think he's missing out on some of that and coming back in the holidays is not quite the same thing. I know my uncle and dh didn't think they were as much a part of the local community as the rest of their family, both having gone away to school.

[rabbitstew]

I was clearly referring to the OP, which was about a CHILD. I was not referring to the parents being part of the community or not?!!!!

[happygardening]

Rabbitstew You clearly said that "if your not educated in a community then you are not fully part of it" I am unsure how you define a "community" but I live in what I define as a community the sort many dream of bringing their children up in. Here we have all ages no crime we dont lock our doors as a community we know our neighbours and greet them when we see them we shop in our local shops and bank in our local banks talke our pets to the town vets we know the town councillor the policewomen the GP lives 6 doors away and we know when people are there and when they're not and worry if they should be we participate in town activities carnival procession fireworks night rural cinema. It's not perfect or every bodies cup of tea but it is without a doubt a community. Many in my "community" don't have children but are as fully integrated as those that do. So you are wrong sending you child outside of the community does not have to mean that you are no longer part of it because being in a community is not just about schools.

[rabbitstew]

And the same applies to single people whose children have grown up... What on earth have any of your examples got to do with children and they way in which they get involved in their local community?
In the village where I grew up, there was no school and no shop. The only meeting place was the church. If you didn't go to church, you missed out on the only meeting place. Consequently lots of very unreligious people would pop along on a Sunday...

[rabbitstew]

Perhaps you were (deliberately?) assuming I was talking about adults when I said it's harder to play a part in the local community if you aren't being educated in it??????? Since when do pensioners have to go to school, anyway?

[rabbitstew]

Sorry, happygardening, but I disagree with you. It's bollocks that it is insulting to people without children - if you don't have children, there is one important part of the community it is hard for you to play a part in, that's a fact, not an insult. You can still have an important role to play in the community in other ways, of course, and can volunteer at the local school and still be a part of it... you have a different role and part to play in the community if you are childless, not no role.

If you do have children and don't send them to the local school, though, then it is not insulting to point out that you have made it harder for those children to play a part in the local community, because most of the time they aren't IN the local community. You can be insulted as much as you like, but you're talking out of your backside.

[happygardening]

"if you are not educated in the community, you are no longer fully part of the community and are missing out on a very big part of it."
This "community" guff stuff comes up over and over again your comment rabbitstew is insulting to all of those who don't have children; pensioners, those without children, single people those whose children have grown up. The world does not involve around those with children and the local school. In my small rural town (pop 4000) we have many who don't have children and many of these were born here they are as much part of our "community" as those with a couple of children in fact they see those from outside as damaging the "community" with their internet shopping, no real understanding of rural/farming life and NIMBYisms!

[losingtrust]

That is quite true Talkin. My own DD wanted to go to the grammar and then this year turned round and said 'I don't want to go now it is full of snobs'! I was taken aback with this. This had not come from me but must have come from some of her school friends. I did put her straight. When I was a kid, I put up with being shouted at and boys from my school being picked on on the way to school because we were at the State catholic school and not normal. The two local schools regularly used to come over to try and beat the boys up. If anything though it just made us bond more and we started to enjoy being different! However on a negative point, it is the type of problem that can lead to a kind of ghetto culture!

[TalkinPeace2]

Several of the kids from the town up the road get the train to a school in the next county
they are regularly subjected to hoots of "rich boy" and "snob"
its a STATE grammar school.

Children pick up on difference.

[seeker]

Actually, I don't blame the parents of the kids who are taunting my ds. I think they are coming up with it all by themselves. The cherubs.

[rabbitstew]

I think Greythorne is both right and wrong. Nobody can have their cake and eat it - if you are not educated in the community, you are no longer fully part of the community and are missing out on a very big part of it. That's part of the reason why there isn't much sense of community any more - most parents, particularly working parents since fewer and fewer adults work in their own community these days, put community exceptionally low in their list of priorities (and then wonder why local provision is so shit and nothing ever works...). HOWEVER, it should be possible to get involved within the community at different levels. Communities which expect you to be fully involved or not at all are doomed to become very tiny, judgmental places which eventually implode, anyway. To ostracise someone who still wants to play a part is RIDICULOUS.

[happygardening]

losingtrust your comment
"I personally think this also comes from some of the parents"
Where else do you think it comes from certainly not the school my DS's would be appalled at such behaviour. It comes from either a child's family or from the families of a child's friends.

[losingtrust]

I have had the same with friends kids who will not talk to mine now because they are not at private school. They see them as below them. I personally think this also comes from some of the parents. However, in the same way I would not discourage them from friendship though because from an early age you need to learn to get on with people from different backgrounds and to cut them away may make it harder for them in later life.

[Sparklingbrook]

I think in this case actions speak louder than words TBH.

[TiAAAAARGHo]

I know. But I think the OP should still say something.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

TiAAAARGHo
Unfortunately the coaches are the parents.

[TiAAAAARGHo]

Do talk to the coaches. The children are simply repeating their parents prejudices (and the comments they have probably heard when they asked if they could go to his school). It's ridiculous but should be nipped in the bud now.

[Greythorne]

Reminds me something my mother always says: you can have the thing you most want, but you can't have the things you want a bit less.

You can get a better education for your children but you can't have that AND be integrated into the village community.

Harsh but true.